I'm feeling distanced from everyone. I want so much from D, and we're so good, but so bad... R and I go up and down, sometimes we're so close, others so far apart. I miss DM. The talks, the silent understanding, more emotion than we bargained for... And J... Oh J. I want to lay in his arms and listen to the beating of his heart so badly. How I miss him. 2 of the above mentioned 3 are married. I am married. I still dream of C. Can't get him out of my head. I miss him so much. It till hurts. It always will. I don't think I'll leave my husband. I've realized that I want what he has to offer more than I want to be with someone I love. Security. A house. Stability. I have so many secrets inside. So very man ysecrets. Sometimes I want to be alone again, with no secrets. I want to be alone, uncommited, however commited just the same. Who the hell came up with monagomy anyways? It's stupid bullshit. I miss J. I want D. I want to feel his hands in my hair and on my body again.. I thirst for his words of desire....