i am thinking of her fingers as i type as she types cold moist and slow.. they way they gripped my skin eras ago... like kittens in the curtains all the hot nights with the doors open and the music on low.. insense and candels lighting the corners of her master bedroom.. and two little girls out of the bath into.. one big white cloud of a bed twenty pruney fingers twenty toes.. an unconventional jack and an unconventional rose.. and now that its over im looking back on that year i'm shaking my head and im hitting my pipe.. as i think of her fingers and type

can't you tell i've been lying through my teeth i've been as wrong as hell i've been in disbelief but you didn't know you like me better malnurished with a face full of blow pale sorry and discouraged sick and tired of sick and tired of blank looks of sleeples nights spent wired and you say i'm changing like its the worst thing i could do you sing "you look so good in blue you look so good in blue" but my eyes will stay their blue and the only thing thats changing is the way i look at you

i am the poster child for peace and creative release two fingers that just wont cease look at them do they they mean something i know you could feel them scream something my horns they hide from you after all you told me that since i lied to you you wont hold me why wont you hold me [CHORUS] i'm sorry for this destruction here have my concoction i made it to heal you cuz even now i can feel you i can feel you dying you wanted me to wait i signed the treaty you wanted a clean slate i wiped down the grafiti you said to wait but i jumped the gun and it was too much fun so just dance with me until tomorrow this trance i'm in is one of sorrow but if you can just be forgiving you can make me keep living i can feel you dying [CHORUS]x2

the hunger is sickening now and regret rears its ugly head as the next night falls. the wind smells of gasoline and fried food, and the faces of people are shaded in their distance. or maybe it's my distance... she says i dont feel anymore, that i'm numb, inconsiderate, intoxicated, and never serious... well, my skin is thick and my heart is light. my hair does what it wants and so do i. i'm not intoxicated anymore. i can feel my lungs and life expand and shrink. i wasn't joking when i said i was happy there, and i wasn't joking when i said i was grateful. it isn't funny. but it's okay.

in a new light i see the reinvention taking place. the growing up and seeping downward into myself as i have never done before. i have not inked out these thoughts nor have my fingers grazed these keys since the transition from thick muddy treading to smooth skating took place. new ways are being set and familiar faces are coming back into my life to remind me of what i have yet to overcome. my exuse is that i blank out on what exactly i want to say to you, dear diary, for fear it may become too tangible. i have found a companion in whom i suddenly trust and respect. an old friend with more compassion than let on in past days. nothingness with her is the best of times talking of nothingness and laughing at the least of all things. how can i feel? i cannot change how i feel, this i know. i know that however i feel will be respected and not frowned upon, but so often do i jump to conclusions about my heart and lack consideration of my will. pretty girls with good hearts and nonjudgmental connotations enrapture my heart of ice with warmth so kind that it is seemingly indomitable. nothing is indomitable. and what is to be dominated? attraction is tricky. hints of what she could possibly encounter without him because i am but a pistil-bearing temptress to be played with as a plus to what is love and long-living creep in and out. do i like this? the excitement and power of the situation knowing that in myself it is not what it is to the damsel at hand is stronger at times than my hormonal desperation tapping me on the shoulder. i dare not turn to see the white behind me. the light of infatuation is not a beautiful one.i do not desire to be enraptured. be my friend and my muse. if the red below our noses faithfully draw nearer, let me be satisfied in the triviality. let me be satisfied in the continuity of her love and long-living tranquility in what is her natural state of contentness. let me be satisfied.

she came across some nothing words from many moons ago held her tongue took some breaths and let them be sticks and stones in fact it's really nothing and it matters to her not the only difference is her blood pumping faster and her addiction tighter taut how many times undone can the best of friends be how many time can you recall when she was your enemy and how many words unkindly finger-tipped across these keys only to find that we are sisters with the same disease

"autopilot" midnovember's cold air fills my lungs while she educates, my mind swells, my heart listens closely with my eyes darting from sea to stars with my fingers in the sand and my toes in my docs i can breathe easy now that i'm here but i still don't know what to say or how i'd put it if i had last night's title: "nothing is too much because nothing is enough" except maybe the veiw or her voice tonight i came home to my cramps my walls my queen-size matress my organic chocolate milk and my protective mother thinking of no one... nothing or maybe everything? concepts and theories like bees to my brain peircing poisonous persuasion toward enlightenment i left my spirit on the beach and it's making its way back through brush and paved ways through the lost and the forgotten paths that lead me all the way here and when it gets back to my body my spirit and i will walk on rock on in rhythm with reason and logic

Just because im running now, that doesn't mean im chasing. I'm headed away from disaster ...Well, pacing... I'm still a little dizzy from my kamikaze trip. I can't swallow your perspective, girl, so don't offer me a sip. I'm "a picky little bitch with too much in her eyes." Yea, asshole, THANKS, I love to be analyzed. Sunday afternoon... The rains real light... I can't decide if I want any calls let alone if i'll go out tonight... fuck. You can see I'm small, but i'm rocking the whole situation. I'm telling you it's a sexual craze! It's sweeping the nation! hahaha Big talk. Small girl. One year... Hello world. CallMe ComeSeeMe HoldOutYourHands TouchMe ConfuseMe DoSomethingIDon'tUnderstand PushMe LeaveMe TurnAroundAndLaugh I'm only here foronemoreyear. I can't be yourotherhalf. QUOD ME NUTRIET ME DESTRUIT

shake me down tonight i'm up here evaluating the sky "yea i may not always feel lucky" she says "but i'm smart enough to try" i'm interrogating the sky like the only thing i understand i know the stars, the clouds and the changing colors like the tips of my hands i mean i think i could learn more about something else but i'm tired of tryin' i'd rather lay up here lick my tears and blow kisses to orion shake me down i'm back here in the last row staring at the stage again i'm in the darkness trying to seem busy with my papers and my pen i'm sketching a naked stage with yellow curtains drawn i'm looking at my naked knuckles without my armored rings on shake me down now i'm dancing without music i'm bleeding without pain i'm driving with no destination splashin' 'round without rain and i'm splashing even though i'm freezing in little puddles making my pant legs wet and i'm splashing even though i'm freezing cuz it's as close as i'm gonna get shake me down from these branches i've been climbing so long ya know it's fun and fine while i'm swingin but i'm no king kong

i'm surrounded by weakness and ignorance deliberate lifelessness in large masses it's kind of like being the only girl at the party and all of the men are making creepy passes and they swoon and they strut thinking that they might impress when really all i feel is less comfortable in my dress and i'm rolling my eyes and i'm flipping my hair while their fondling their flies and showing their underwear a sharp edged analogy appropriate, i think because it's so unattractive to watch them all sink and i sink into my chair thinking "these werent my plans" repeating the cycle of scan the room, take notes, rest my chin on my hands and while they're all sinking bubbles keep rising to the top and they make small funny noises as the quiver and pop i begin to wonder i wander and invade i can't help but revisit the descisions i've made cuz with every small popping noise comes an echo so loud that by the time it's done sounding i'm on that 9th cloud because no matter how long i'm the only one i'm lucky theres me at all and no matter how quickly they come and go they always leave their markings on the wall and whether it be a quote or a doodle its a lesson none the less and usually when they exit the crowd i feel more confident in my party dress

take a walk along the beach with me we'll gather up some broken shells and soggy wood and then we'll sit and ponder how to make these now useless items good because at one time the shells were homes and the trees helped us to survive until the breeze came along and blew them down and the shells washed in with the tides now all of natures precious gifts are ruined by the wind i guess it just blows the way it wants to blow, relentless, like your sins yes, take my metaphors take my analogies just take my whole right hand twist them all to fit your mind because i could never make you understand that by-gones can't just be by-gones we cannot just be friends "come what may" has gone too far and this is where it ends the wind is blowing strong now. your scent passed by along with the white dust, and notes from an angry piano having been betrayed by a powerful electric guitar sing loudly, causing the earth to quake and quiver underneath me like when we mixed our chemicals and the world came to an end... remember that? do you remember how i built it back up with new promises and lost kisses? i can remember it so clearly that what is in front of me now is blurred by tears. it's no good anymore. the tragedy of it all is that i question every day whether or not moments shared were really shared. the real pain comes from the unknown, the unknown that no one will ever, ever know. who was the one in your heart if any at all? does it matter now? did it matter then? do you think of me when its dark and no one can see in or out, when you stop smiling and breathe in this new reality? i don't think of it anymore. not how i did. its nostalgia. it's sorrow. it's aggrivating. it's a teeter totter between here and there and i'm balanced in the middle trying my best not to fall off because it's going to stop soon. it's going to stop and i'm going to jump off and congradulate the new champ having held her game and been careful with me... with my heart... with my faith... with me up there so unsteady. i just wish i would have known what i know now then. trust... trust is fluid like a stream that flows smoothly at times, then over sharp rocks and growing fungi, on a journey to a delta of love. a calm that we never really reached. i'll see you. i'll sip my coffee. sip your tea. i wont abandon you. i won't break my promises. but i cannot and will not love you.

i can smell the temptation. kill it. hold me back and start the suffocation. make it final. i'll watch from your arms. i dont want to die with it. so sound the alarms. i'll be your only if you can still hold me when all the screaming is done. ill be your baby if you just save me now. i want you to be the only one.

ok so anyone who does this: is definately on my good list.

she was cuffed to the idea like the what-if was a chair bright interrogation light in her eyes her pride lit a cigarette and just stood there waiting for her to crack waiting for her to cry that comment scampered through her mind like a roach across a wall it made her heart soar it made her skin crawl then they said, "we got this confession. we just need for you to sign. why don't you just cooperate and this will all be fine" there was that light and then there was this darkness but there was no line in between and asking her heart for guidance was like pleading with a machine cuz joy, it has its own justice and dreams are languid and lawless and everything bows to beauty when it is fierce and when it is flawless on the table were two ziploc baggies containing her eyes and her smile they said, we're keeping these as evidence 'til this thing goes to trial meanwhile anguish was fingering solace in another room down the hall both were love's accomplices but solace took the fall now look at her book of days it's the same on every page and she's got a little tin cup with her heart in it to bang along the bars of her rib cage

well i fixed my diary up. i think i'm going to delete most of those old entries and start again because i miss having a diary that isn't tainted. i'd really love to write right now but i have to go meet austin and eva. best part of the day sometimes, i swear. lately i havent been myself and my days have been filled with poop. out of vta tomorrow. yessssss

i feel a bit calloused, like i really should care more. but the truth that keeps marching in is pushing me through the EXIT door. and every fucking time i've left, i haven't really left. so you mock every last syllable, you twist every motive, disregarding that thing in my chest. i've been living in clips recently. from the first line of that letter to the last line up your nose. and i've come to the slow motion realization that i never meant it either, i suppose. cuz when things fall from beauty, it's supposed to hurt. but sittin up here on this pedistal, you're not so beautiful under all that dirt. "AYO for YAYO" "get a fucking life" what happened to "i dont want that in my present or future" hahahaha "i want to be his wife" hahahaha i mean, we ALL know what happened (uh oh) well... the ones that know you the best we're the ones you push the farthest away the ones who passed the final test do you a) think of only your self (perhaps your fathers right) - oh and the drugs b) put every feeling up on a shelf (saving them for a more conveniant night?) do you c) label everything you come across UNDENIABLE LOVE d) you're just plain ENFERMA or e) all of the above he says we say the same things about eachother "so much shit.. why'd i stick around.. whats her motive.. i dont fucking get it" but we know why because we got FUCKING STUCK with eachother, god forbid it. i like that i'm off rhyming.... no rhythm... no patterned stitch sociopathological bipolar psycho bitch and you BASK in that title like it's healthy (like you care) bought the fucking T shirt cuz your wealthy (fix your hair) i feel a lot calloused, like i really can't care more. and the truth that keeps marching in is replacing that insensitive whore. and every for fucking time i've cried, there's a bitterness so disgusting that i'm throwing up this "friendship" and magifying the mistrusting. what they dont know, they will never know. all that i've said, i take back. "come what may," i will never be your puppet i will NEVER cut you ANY slack the connection was lost long ago i just couldnt hear the dial tone i was so busy talking to MYSELF all this time that since i've hung up the phone.... i'm liberated. and since you've been gone, i can breathe for the first time. and yeah, you mock, i'll rock. maybe i'll take your trip to hawaii, and squeeze extra hard that lime... just for you... cuz i'll pretend its your heart... fuck the rhyimg. fuck you. pretty much.

best rehearsal ever. i'm quite myself again. i was a bit gone for a few days, sorry guys. but im ok now. i've got to be cuz some people aren't exactly... ah gah i've been all smiles all night. i'm a bit scared about tomorrow.. well no, i guess scared isnt the word. i'm like... erg i really wanted to see that chick thats like ani, lol. but i probably shouldnt be thinking about THAT huh? PRIORITIES, EMILY! im not going to go into it.. im just like... actually ecstatic about what shes doing. its like the best thing possible. and its not my fault. and nobodys going to blame it on me. and aahh in ur face.

i came home from school today and went to sleep.. kind of. it was so scary. i was laying there looking at the pastel pictures on my wall that eva drew with me last night.. i don't remember falling asleep, but the next thing i new i was in this trap of a dream hearing a dog barking talking and something scratching.. what... the.... fuck. and then i had some dream about the auditorium caving in on me while i was sitting in the middle of main stage.. i was so gone at rehersal tonight. all of us are so tired. some of us more than others... i wish i could have stayed home from school today. i passed out in 5th period, but i already had my head down. it was just one of those times when u wake up like 15 seconds later not knowing if you were asleep or not...? i need to get back into bed now. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow....

time to back up a bit don't get up don't cry or do that sighing thing you do when i look you in the eye it's really very simple just kiss my cheek and say goodbye i never really go anywhere anyway i just pass through from time to time if you think you're not worthy i'd have to say i agree i'm not worthy of you you're not worthy of me which of us is deserving look at the human race the whole planet at arm's length and we don't deserve this place what good is a poker face when you've got an open hand i was supposed to be cool about this yeah i remember cool was the plan tried to keep it all under wraps but the wraps kept going slack i keep turning around i keep coming back give me your vertical your horizontal line i want to take each of them bend them to fit mine the world is too good for me i am such a naughty girl but when we're together we're too good for this world but you keep dosing up and i keep dozing off

i wrote three pages yesterday. i managed to write about politics and some women (not only the rain). theres not much left to say about the election, i think. people take up all of the opinions and i end up re-wording and using metaphors. and the women? woman, i guess. this one is not a girl. it's terrible that i've got my eye on her. it's impossible, and i'm creeping up to a cliff.. how exciting. i dont know what it is about this weather that makes everyone so cold inside. everywhere i look there are people trying to warm their insides with words of memories and creating new ones inspite. no, not inspite. i like my new memories. two adventures. two people i have never conversed with so much. sometimes going to the porn shop with someone is the funnest way to get to know them, ha. i never knew that people actually bought suction doo-dads to make their nipples larger. i also have no idea how to use a body sling or how "not yet - erection prevention cream" works exactly... and shannon doherty on the cover of play boy? yes. suprise! anyways, at the moment i'm at the coffee shop, and i want water. i'm going to go. lets home this gets saved. oh.. and that girl? the one without the love? i think she thought of me. i think it was me.