in a new light i see the reinvention taking place. the growing up and seeping downward into myself as i have never done before. i have not inked out these thoughts nor have my fingers grazed these keys since the transition from thick muddy treading to smooth skating took place. new ways are being set and familiar faces are coming back into my life to remind me of what i have yet to overcome. my exuse is that i blank out on what exactly i want to say to you, dear diary, for fear it may become too tangible. i have found a companion in whom i suddenly trust and respect. an old friend with more compassion than let on in past days. nothingness with her is the best of times talking of nothingness and laughing at the least of all things. how can i feel? i cannot change how i feel, this i know. i know that however i feel will be respected and not frowned upon, but so often do i jump to conclusions about my heart and lack consideration of my will. pretty girls with good hearts and nonjudgmental connotations enrapture my heart of ice with warmth so kind that it is seemingly indomitable. nothing is indomitable. and what is to be dominated? attraction is tricky. hints of what she could possibly encounter without him because i am but a pistil-bearing temptress to be played with as a plus to what is love and long-living creep in and out. do i like this? the excitement and power of the situation knowing that in myself it is not what it is to the damsel at hand is stronger at times than my hormonal desperation tapping me on the shoulder. i dare not turn to see the white behind me. the light of infatuation is not a beautiful one.i do not desire to be enraptured. be my friend and my muse. if the red below our noses faithfully draw nearer, let me be satisfied in the triviality. let me be satisfied in the continuity of her love and long-living tranquility in what is her natural state of contentness. let me be satisfied.