Two months into ortho tri-cyclen low, and I wil never have a pregnancy scare again. The emotional aspect of this situation has changed dramatically; a baby is not just a baby, anymore. It is a child, my child, a product of Will and I, something that will grow up to be a person, a member of our family. I hate this feeling, this new regard for the life of a hypothetical fetus, and yet it fills me with wonder. When did this transformation take place? All the extra estrogen in my body is keeping me from pregnancy while softening me to the idea. I am suddenly a busty, tender, and emotional claire. I feel like things are slowly shifting with the weather. I do not want to become one of those people, a reformed partier with my nose in the air, basking in the shine of my inner light. I have come to realize, though, that I am almost twenty and not doing well in school. I am forcing my lover away with my actions. I am watching my best friend slowly rot herself from the inside out with Ritalin. I am worried about her more than I am worried about myself. I have reached that point, that day where it is Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and I am stoned or drunk or strung out again and I do not have the energy or interest to do anything else. Where I have no money because I spend it all on cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, fast food. I am still sorting it out in my mind; this is not a proclamation that I will never smoke again, because I do not want that. I want balance, and order, and financial security. Time in Olney, sick in bed, time in Jersey, roaming the neighborhoods I know so well- that was good for me. Thinking about things could be good for me too.