I just plain old miss you and I cant stand it anymore.

You always new how to get into my head.... Im pathetic huh?? Right im the one going around making all this shit up right?? Yeah. Exactly. You know something? I like it when your mad. IT TURNS ME ON. So go ahead and get mad. Your nothing but a cunt to me anymore. The way i treated you? I treated you like gold and you know i did. Your just upset because you know that im now happy and its not with you. lauren you never mad me happy. There was always them stupid fucking arguments over fucking nothing and you loved it. It got you off at night. Your fucked up in the head is whats wrong. There is so much more to say but i dont know what else to say. FUCK YOU.

So recently ive been getting back al the friends that i lost when i was with lauren. I started hanging out with one of my old friends scotty and he as this friend named cc. well i liked her since the moment i saw her. but i never tried anything because i didnt think that i had a chance. then one night i got a call and it was her and she wanted to hang out so we did and since then we spent like every night togather. we started dating and everything was pretty fucking swell. i changed completely since lauren has left and i dont let anything bother me anymore. cc didnt like that. she felt like i didnt care. so after about a week she left. she went to her exs house and spent the night and called me today and said her parents are taking her out of school and all this other stupid shit. so she broke up with me. i dont even know what im saying right now. Lauren has been spreading these rumors about me to. how fucking immature can she get. after everything ive done for that cunt she does this. its pretty fucking ridiculous. i fucking hate her.

So i woke up on saturday morning at my dads at six fifteen and found my sweat shirt then went out to my car. I started it and backed down the driveway. i turned my headlights on and went down the road. I was driving really fast because i just felt like i needed a rush and well ill just say i wrecked. i hit a tree at 75+ miles an hour. I keep asking my self why didnt i die? What is the purpose of my staying on this world? idk. i hit the side of my head on the side of the door (which smashed the door all to pieces) and the top of my head off of the window, broke the stearing column with my knee, and hurt my shoulder. thats it. i hit the tree so hard that the driver side front dor wont close and all the other doors wont open. i dont know what else to say. i just want you to know that im still here. as much as i dont want to be i still am.

Im lost without you.

I dont know why i do it to myself. i find myself sitting here being all depressed and to make it worse i look at her info or her away message. i dont know what im saying. i was just on myspace and she posted pictures of him and her on there. i cried. i wish there was some thing i can do but at the same time im glad. i want her to be happy and i know she was never happy with me but she made me happy. even when we faught i knew that it was going to be ok because i thought she loved me. i blew up my dirtbike the other day. i also broke my car. so now its 32 times worse. now i have to sit home and do nothing. i try calling my friends and try to hang out with them but they allways have some thing better to do. right now casey is at his dads so is mikey and mike is at work. so i have to sit here. man i wish i had a car. why do i always try to be so nice to everyone? if i wasnt so nice all the time id still have the jeep and the prelude would have nver blown up. i started smoking cigars like you wouldnt beleive. the other night when we all went possum kicking i bought 6 packs and by the time i got home i had two single cigars left. i started to drink to. i want to get away from here. shes all i think about and i cant stop. kailin is coming up tomorrow. to tell you the truth i dont really want her to. but then again i kinda do. all she really talks about is how she wants to have sex with me. we have a plan to have sex when she comes up. what the fuck is up with that? who plans it? im really starting to get sick of everyone and everything. i wish there was something i could do to make it all stop. so i had a dream about her the other night. is that normal? should i still be dreaming about her? i feel sick. the other day while driving in my moms car i had this urge to drive off of this one cliff and the urge was so fucking great i could barely fight it but then i thought what if it doesnt kill me? then what? then everyone is going to feel sorry for me and all that and that isnt what i want. i just want it to be better. i dont know what else to say.

The holidays suck without you here....

So me and kailin have been talking every night. its kinda nice to have some one that actually cares. shes a really cool girl and i like her alot. atleast i think i do. im scared. i dont know what to do. everytime i get close to some one i end up hurting them and it just sucks. so we were talking and she told me she thinks shes falling in love with me. at first i was so happy but now im just scared. i think she just wants to have sex to tell you the truth. but then again i feel like she actually wants me. all we talk about now is how were going to have sex when she comes up on the thirtyith. dont get me wrong sex is nice and all i just.... so mike and mikey tried to get me drunk and to smoke pot. i hate that stuff. but when i thought about it i kinda thought why the fuck not. everyone drinks and smokes up. why dont i. why do i have to be different. i blew up the prelude. i felt like i had nothing left after that. my car was all i had left. but at the same time there was alot of memories in that car. ones that i dont want to remember anymore. so i needed money and sold it. $100. i miss it. i hate it at the same time. so now i have a really nice car and i dont like it. i like having a shity car and being able to beet the shit out of it. i like to go fast, jump, burn out, hit other car, and trash it. but now i cant. but at the same time i like having a nice roomy car that has leather seats good heat nice air and all the nice accesories that you need. im starting to like it but i still hate it. idk. there is so much more but i gotta go.

so this is what has been going on. first there is this girl named carolyn that goes to my school that i started talking to alot. well then she started liking me. so one night she asked me to hang out with her so i did and then when i was there we were watching larry the cable guy the health inspector she asked me what was wrong and when i turned to say nothing her mouth latched onto my face. so i was like ok whatever and slipped her the tongue. then she pulled away and said i love you then went back to kissing me. so i pushed her back and said WHAT!!?? and shes like i love you so i said dont ever say that again not now not tomorrow not ever. then she started all this crying bullshit and i just had to break it off. meanwhile i was hanging out with this girl tia from work that dated my uncle and dated one of my best friends. fucked up right? so then we started hanging out and then we ended up in my bed and lets just stop that there. and so while that all was happening Kailin came back from matyland and me and her were hanging out. after me and tia did all that i just kinda blew her off. i havent talked to her since the morning after that when i dropped her off. so the thing with Kailin i ended up getting really close to her within the two days we hung out. the truth is though ive always had alittle something for her. so we were hanging out one night and then i took her home and said see you in school tomorrow. hugged her. went home. went to school the next day and she wasnt there. so on the bus ride home i txted her to see if she was ok and she said her mom kicked her out and that she was moving back to maryland so i ended up confessing my feelings for her. she told me she has feelings for me to and that i should come see her before she left. so i put on all my best clothes and went to her house. we packed up her stuff and then she gave me a hug good bye and then when she pulled away she kissed me. ive never got that feeling that i got when she kissed me. so without saying anything i watched her get into the car and leave. i walked up to my car and left. got home. and ive been talking to her everynight on the phone until like 2 o clock. its been amazing. see the thing is she has so many problems and i really dont even care all the prbolems she has just makes me like her more. its so messed up. yeah so while all this was going down my car blew up. it was tapping and me and casey decided to smash it through a feild and the motor locked up so we kept trying to pop start it then it finaly un seized and we drove home. it was fucking sweet. but now i have no car. FUCK IT. ha.

life is getting so ridiculously hard.

so i officially do not care about life anymore. lauren has found some one else and im actually happy for her. i hope that it he is worth it all. by the way she is talking he deffinetly is. i guess that this whole timei was never really anything to her. i dont know. it doesnt matter any more. i have one week and that is it. the suicide thoughts are so great now that i dont even think about anything else. today was probably the worst day i have ever had at work. i showed up late and then i was fucking so god damn depressed and everyone was asking me whats wrong bla bla bla so i ended up crying like ten different times. its pretty embarasing. but whatever. it really sucks. this whole thing does. i mean im only fucking seventeen. but. have you ever wondered why we are here? what is our purpose. no matter what there will always be pain and sorrow and depression no matter how happy you are. and for what. why. i have never really realized how much i need her until now. and it sucks because im to late. i would give anything and do anything to change the whole situation. i really wish i would have stayed single for a while longer. lauren was my first everything. she was my first kiss, sex, love, life, she even was my first hug. how fucked up is that. i know that i fucked up but do i really deserve this? how can i make it better. exactly i cant. there is only one way out and thats the path im heading down. its pretty fucked up how sometimes when i was by myself driving and i would take a corner to fast and get this feeling inside of me like wow i should slow down and now there is no feeling. if anything i feel like i should go faster. there is this game that i like to play, ecpecialy when im alone in my car, you know those signs that say you should only go so fast around a corner. i like to double it. and if i do that easily i like to triple it. it gets pretty exciting you should try it some time. you know how you find something that can always get your mind off of things. like for some people its friends and some drugs and some drinking well for me its driving and anymore my driving has become insane. i dont know. sometimes when im in my car i imagine that i get into an accident. and i think what if i did get into an accident? then what? in a car accident you have a chance of living. so thats why you get a shot gun. im going to stop writing now. maybe ill write tomorrow. maybe not. Bye

So.... yesterday i didnt go to school. why? i didnt sleep at all the night before. why? the girl i love and care most about basically told me that she hates me. why? im a fuck up and never do anything right. why? i guess i just took her for granted. you know how that saying goes you never know what you got till you lose it. its deffinetely true. if i can give anyone that reads this advice do not take things for granted like i did. it will be the worst mistake you ever make in your life and youll never get over it. so anyways... yesterday my mom came in to wake me up which i was already awake because i never went to sleep and then i said i wasnt going to school. so when everyone left i got up and moped around for a while then i got some money around and went to get parts for the prelude. so in the middle of fixing the car i got into a complication so i called upon my dad and he came up and helped me out. then he asked me to go to his house and help him out so i did. i was in the mood to ride so when we got done i said i was going to go and when i got into my car i got a phone call from casey that said corey was on his way to go riding hurry up and get there. so. have you ever been on keelersburg road? my speedomoter never went bellow 100. pretty fucking sweet. in a way i guess its good that i dont care for my life anymore. i do alot more crazy stuff. if youve ever been on keelersburg youve been on the jump. when i hit that i was way in the air. i went so high the front tire came loose on the car. so. i drove home. went riding. got another call from keith k. went to tunkhannock. ate. raced around. did some burning out. going fast. all that fun shit. i ran a few stop signs did some shit i never thought i could or even would try to do. then in the middle of all that the cops came. sweet. then we went to the gas station and talked about everything and messed with our systems then got a complaint called for noise. so then the cops showed up there. do you know whats fucked up??? same fucking cop. get that shit. so then at about ten thirty i got home and did what i usually do. cried. so.. i dont know maybe ill write in here again later.

so well it has been a really long time since i have even looked at this thing but now i find it the only way to let out my feelings. recently my life has completely gone... empty. my girlfriend Lauren left me about a month ago. maybe longer. maybe shorter. im not sure anymore ive lost track of everything. well the truth is im lost. there is this constant emptyness inside of me and i dont know what to do. since lauren has left i havent known what to do with myself. i find myself wondering what my purpose is in this world. why am i here. i have failed the tenth grade. the reason being is so that i could see lauren more often because when i was a grade ahead of her i didnt see her enough out of the day. i feel like im not making any sence. the last few weeks i havent slept much. the most sleep i got was when i spent the night with her and even then i often woke up in the middle of the night making sure she was still there. i dont know how to say it but some times i feel like i cant breath. is that normal?? ive been having these crazy thoughts that i never thought that i would have. im not a sad person im a happy joking all the time type of person. why am i like this??? i am a seventeen year old boy and i dont want to see eighteen. why? ive tired everything. when me and her would get into one of our stupid ridiculous arguments over nothing i would have these little tricks that would get my mind away from her. well. they dont work anymore. if anything they make me think more of her. ive been crying alot. all the time. most of the time i dont even realize it. i dont know what is wrong with her but we went from seeing eachother everyday to not even talking period. it hurts. i want to hurt myself. but im scared. why should i do it? will it make it better? will it make it stop? lauren was the air i breathed and the land i walked on. there was nothing in the day i did that didnt have to do with her. when we were togather we promied eachother forever and a day? why? we both new it wouldnt be. shes a party girl that likes to go out and have a great time and im just that lame poser kid that walks around with his head held down. what made us connect? where did the connection go? now what? ive tired everything. ive changed almost completely. im one of those type of people that cares. i make sure that everyone in my car is wearing a seatbelt. why do i often find myself with out one? what am i to do? i find myself checking my phone almost every ten minets at least. why? she wont call. she doesnt miss me. why do i miss her. Lauren? if you ever read this... im in love with you. i am seventeen years old and i would give anything in this world to spend the rest of my life with you. why have you gone? i know i fucked up Lauren and im trying to fix it all. why? your not coming back to me? you dont care even the littlest bit? please stop. please just stop. you tell me you love me and some times you miss me. doesnt that mean anything to you? why do you mean everything to me? i feel sick. am i sick? should i go see some one? i think im becoming one of those people. i dont want to be one of them. i want to be normal. but then at the same time i dont care anymore. please call me. im so fucking lost without you lauren. cant you see that? your killing me? please.

I am so sick of fighting with these fucking people. yesterday i got into a huge fight with aunt debbie for the first time in a while. and i was so fucking mad but then we made up like 2 minets later and everything was ok. mom started yelling at me tonight for no reason. she is such a dike. i hate her so much sometimes. she can be so nice to me but then she turns around and just gets to her normal bitchy self. im just so sick of it. if i wasnt with Lauren i would go live with my dad and tell these people to fuck off. i dont need them. uhg. i wish my mom was rich so i can steel all her money and leave here and not have to deal with all this bull shit. they are coming to reposes my four wheeler. FUCK YOU. worst of all when i need someone to talk to your not even here for me to talk to. but i love you anyways. come home soon. i miss you so insanely much. you have no idea. you are my everything. and then some.

Lauren i miss you. im here all alone and i dont feel good. i wish you were here today. i love you. today i didnt go to school. i dont feel well. i called Lauren this morning but she didnt answer, must have been busy. i miss here so much. i wish she new how in love with her i am. but she has no clue. i miss her smile. whenever i am with her i just know that every thing is going to be ok. i wish i could be with her all the time. i cant wait till were old enough to move in together. it will be so wonderful. I LOVE YOU HUN. we are going to be together forever and a day.

well today was the first day of school and like any other day of school it sucked. i hate school. but i guess i have to deal with it. this year i have lunch with Lauren which rocks. i love her. after school today she came over and we hung out. we fell asleep for a while and after that she had to leave me like always. i miss her. im on the phone with her right now. i love you. i love you babe. always and forever.

well today was the first day of school and like any other day of school it sucked. i hate school. but i guess i have to deal with it. this year i have lunch with Lauren which rocks. i love her. after school today she came over and we hung out. we fell asleep for a while and after that she had to leave me like always. i miss her. im on the phone with her right now. i love you. i love you babe. always and forever.

well today is saturday and it is almost sunday which means that school starts soon. monday. i hate school so much. im not looking forward to it at all. i cant wait to get out. I miss Lauren. she is so wonderful and means everything to me and she just doesnt get it. i wish she would just love me. shes just so amazing. i hate it when she leaves. every time she leaves i just get so low. i hang out with her al day and then she leaves and like five minuets later i miss her like insane and i cant stand it. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. miss you like crazy.

saturday night lauren came over to my dads with me it was perfect until later that night and then i ended up sleeping by my self. that was horrible. oh well. then sunday she went home and i went to work. work was boring. like usual. i came home and stayed up till the morning. i passed out on the couch and billie awoke me with a startle. it was pretty funny. i went to my bed and went to sleep. today i woke up and did pretty much nothing for a while. casey came over and we hung out until lauren came and got me. i went to her house for a while. it was another perfect day. no fights at all. i loe it so much and i love her so much. she is the most amazing person i have ever met and i hope she plans on staying with me for a while. i love her. i came home and went down to caseys house to get him and he is up her now. we were cooking microwavable singles in the microwave and the microwave ended up catching fire. it was pretty amazing. now were all sitting here doing nothing.

well today nothing has happened yet so i hasnt been to exciting. last night was horrible. Lauren for some odd reason is not happy with me and i dont know why. i hate it. i love her so so so so very fucking much and she doesnt even reaize. i guess i have been being a real big dick to her. i dont know why i guess it is just the way i am. im trying to change i really am. i dont know we will see what happens. I LOVE YOU!!!! I REALLY REALLY DO!!! BELEIVE ME ALREADY.