so well it has been a really long time since i have even looked at this thing but now i find it the only way to let out my feelings. recently my life has completely gone... empty. my girlfriend Lauren left me about a month ago. maybe longer. maybe shorter. im not sure anymore ive lost track of everything. well the truth is im lost. there is this constant emptyness inside of me and i dont know what to do. since lauren has left i havent known what to do with myself. i find myself wondering what my purpose is in this world. why am i here. i have failed the tenth grade. the reason being is so that i could see lauren more often because when i was a grade ahead of her i didnt see her enough out of the day. i feel like im not making any sence. the last few weeks i havent slept much. the most sleep i got was when i spent the night with her and even then i often woke up in the middle of the night making sure she was still there. i dont know how to say it but some times i feel like i cant breath. is that normal?? ive been having these crazy thoughts that i never thought that i would have. im not a sad person im a happy joking all the time type of person. why am i like this??? i am a seventeen year old boy and i dont want to see eighteen. why? ive tired everything. when me and her would get into one of our stupid ridiculous arguments over nothing i would have these little tricks that would get my mind away from her. well. they dont work anymore. if anything they make me think more of her. ive been crying alot. all the time. most of the time i dont even realize it. i dont know what is wrong with her but we went from seeing eachother everyday to not even talking period. it hurts. i want to hurt myself. but im scared. why should i do it? will it make it better? will it make it stop? lauren was the air i breathed and the land i walked on. there was nothing in the day i did that didnt have to do with her. when we were togather we promied eachother forever and a day? why? we both new it wouldnt be. shes a party girl that likes to go out and have a great time and im just that lame poser kid that walks around with his head held down. what made us connect? where did the connection go? now what? ive tired everything. ive changed almost completely. im one of those type of people that cares. i make sure that everyone in my car is wearing a seatbelt. why do i often find myself with out one? what am i to do? i find myself checking my phone almost every ten minets at least. why? she wont call. she doesnt miss me. why do i miss her. Lauren? if you ever read this... im in love with you. i am seventeen years old and i would give anything in this world to spend the rest of my life with you. why have you gone? i know i fucked up Lauren and im trying to fix it all. why? your not coming back to me? you dont care even the littlest bit? please stop. please just stop. you tell me you love me and some times you miss me. doesnt that mean anything to you? why do you mean everything to me? i feel sick. am i sick? should i go see some one? i think im becoming one of those people. i dont want to be one of them. i want to be normal. but then at the same time i dont care anymore. please call me. im so fucking lost without you lauren. cant you see that? your killing me? please.