so i officially do not care about life anymore. lauren has found some one else and im actually happy for her. i hope that it he is worth it all. by the way she is talking he deffinetly is. i guess that this whole timei was never really anything to her. i dont know. it doesnt matter any more. i have one week and that is it. the suicide thoughts are so great now that i dont even think about anything else. today was probably the worst day i have ever had at work. i showed up late and then i was fucking so god damn depressed and everyone was asking me whats wrong bla bla bla so i ended up crying like ten different times. its pretty embarasing. but whatever. it really sucks. this whole thing does. i mean im only fucking seventeen. but. have you ever wondered why we are here? what is our purpose. no matter what there will always be pain and sorrow and depression no matter how happy you are. and for what. why. i have never really realized how much i need her until now. and it sucks because im to late. i would give anything and do anything to change the whole situation. i really wish i would have stayed single for a while longer. lauren was my first everything. she was my first kiss, sex, love, life, she even was my first hug. how fucked up is that. i know that i fucked up but do i really deserve this? how can i make it better. exactly i cant. there is only one way out and thats the path im heading down. its pretty fucked up how sometimes when i was by myself driving and i would take a corner to fast and get this feeling inside of me like wow i should slow down and now there is no feeling. if anything i feel like i should go faster. there is this game that i like to play, ecpecialy when im alone in my car, you know those signs that say you should only go so fast around a corner. i like to double it. and if i do that easily i like to triple it. it gets pretty exciting you should try it some time. you know how you find something that can always get your mind off of things. like for some people its friends and some drugs and some drinking well for me its driving and anymore my driving has become insane. i dont know. sometimes when im in my car i imagine that i get into an accident. and i think what if i did get into an accident? then what? in a car accident you have a chance of living. so thats why you get a shot gun. im going to stop writing now. maybe ill write tomorrow. maybe not. Bye