I dont know why i do it to myself. i find myself sitting here being all depressed and to make it worse i look at her info or her away message. i dont know what im saying. i was just on myspace and she posted pictures of him and her on there. i cried. i wish there was some thing i can do but at the same time im glad. i want her to be happy and i know she was never happy with me but she made me happy. even when we faught i knew that it was going to be ok because i thought she loved me. i blew up my dirtbike the other day. i also broke my car. so now its 32 times worse. now i have to sit home and do nothing. i try calling my friends and try to hang out with them but they allways have some thing better to do. right now casey is at his dads so is mikey and mike is at work. so i have to sit here. man i wish i had a car. why do i always try to be so nice to everyone? if i wasnt so nice all the time id still have the jeep and the prelude would have nver blown up. i started smoking cigars like you wouldnt beleive. the other night when we all went possum kicking i bought 6 packs and by the time i got home i had two single cigars left. i started to drink to. i want to get away from here. shes all i think about and i cant stop. kailin is coming up tomorrow. to tell you the truth i dont really want her to. but then again i kinda do. all she really talks about is how she wants to have sex with me. we have a plan to have sex when she comes up. what the fuck is up with that? who plans it? im really starting to get sick of everyone and everything. i wish there was something i could do to make it all stop. so i had a dream about her the other night. is that normal? should i still be dreaming about her? i feel sick. the other day while driving in my moms car i had this urge to drive off of this one cliff and the urge was so fucking great i could barely fight it but then i thought what if it doesnt kill me? then what? then everyone is going to feel sorry for me and all that and that isnt what i want. i just want it to be better. i dont know what else to say.