I always think I have it figured out, how stupid can I be???I have no idea what to do about anything, my whole world is crashing down. Ryan got so mad at me on Memorial day, he found the letter that Chad wrote me. "Oh! He loves you! Oh get rid of that man? Oh! He misses you?! Why did you cheat on me with Chad!?!?!" No matter how much I tried to explain that hes just my friend, Ryan is an idiot. So when he ripped it up, I ended it, I cant deal with the jealousy and the control and the way he talks to me, its too hard. But I feel so bad. He needs help, hes so psychotic. I bought a rose for his moms grave and thats when he decided to carve my name into his arm. I was so mad. I wish I knew what to do. I dont think I want to be with him but I dont know, I mean I dont want to be mean. Cody is in juvy, I lost my best friend again. Renee is here from New York but I havent had a chance to see her really. I guess Her, Collin, Mitch and Sam came over last night but I was gone. I have been hangin out with my 2 neighbor guys they are pretty cool. I went to chicago with pam over the weekend, I got a tattoo of a monkey holding a banana on my upper back, its cute. Nothing feels the same anymore. I dont have any friends because of Ryan, because I chose to be with him and no one likes him, so now they dont like me. I barely see Crystal and Andi. Adam and Dawn are coming over tonight, or so they said. I just dont know anymore. Katie is getting her new ID so shes giving me her old one so I can go out to the bars. All I have been doing is working and going to class, how fun is that. I dont fuckin know what to do anymore. This will probably be my last entry for a while, I am stayin at my house now. You all know my address, so write me, its the only way to keep in touch.