i have made mistakes in my life. i am willing to admit my faults. i'm far from perfect and i dont ever want to seem like i am. but i have been hurt myself. for a while, i blamed myself. because i fucked up and i knew that was part of the reason that everything got messed up. but as time passed and i still hurt, i realized that it was no one's fault. things happen and sometimes things aren't meant to turn out the way you'd like them to. it's been rough. and i always seemed to backtrack. but as much as i've been through. i'm done. and i'm never turning back. no regrets. not anymore.

who really knows anymore? does any of this make sense to anyone? everything is just...old. lifes games are old. you try to brighten up your life by filling it with whatever makes you happy at that point in your life. but eventually, you realize it's not enough. it's not enough to completely fulfill you. and then once you realize what it is that will completely fulfill you, you can't fucking find it. what the fucking shit goddamn motherfucking hell is going on anymore? i couldn't tell you.

i get so sick of being with myself 24/7. if that makes sense?

i don't feel good. both inside and out. i need a break. i feel like something in my life has sucked me completely dry of the person i am. i just walk through life faded. and life is just these random moments that don't connect with each other. and emotionally wise is a roller coaster. but i guess that's normal for girls. they are crazy like that. i always tried to tell myself that i wasn't like other girls. not in a cocky way as if i'm better than other girls, but i always thought that the stupid things they don't get over or the things they get mad at, i thought it was never me. i was wrong. it has finally come back to bite me in the ass. i'm just like every other girl. i'm insecure and i have to wear make-up to feel semi ok looking. and i always look for reassurance with myself in others. and i get mad at boys for not calling. and i cry over the stupidest things. and i'm finalllllllllllllly sucked completely dry.

it's been a while. i don't know what to say. life is life. it has its ups. and downs. and everyday is a struggle. but i will be ok.

I feel unsenseable and mostly messed up. I want to feel, lets say, sensible. I feel like the way my brain works is unsensible and all over the place. I constantly feel disshevled and all over the place at one time. This is probably not a good thing and it hurts my head. I want to be sensible, I want to feel a sensible way. I want to be happy for a long period of time or whatever mood I'm in for a long time. But more often than not, i feel all different things at once. I want to sit down in a chair and examine my life, i want to talk to someone and them analyze how i feel, because I never can. I can never make sense of how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I go to bed and feel like I have a heavy head on my shoulder, but wake up feeling fine. When you were little, did you ever have things just overshadowing your day because you were too little to understand how to fix it? That's how I feel. It's only before I go to bed, though. I feel like i'm responsible for deaths and depression and problems and complications of people I don't even know. Trying hard to speak and Fighting with my weak hand Driven to distraction So part of the plan When something is broken And you try to fix it Trying to repair it Any way you can I'm diving off the deep end You become my best friend I wanna love you But I don't know if I can I know something is broken And I'm trying to fix it Trying to repair it Any way I can

i can't sleep. i remember when i was younger, i used to always wake up in the middle of the night and find my mom sitting in the living room watching tv. she said she couldn't sleep. and it was always her worrying about something. whether it was the bills or the boys going off to college or something. maybe i got it from her. i always feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. it's not that people put it there or anything but i always seem to bring it upon myself. right as i feel i'm on top and life is going good, i always worry about what is going to happen to other people and it ruins my mood. i basically had the funnest night of 2006 tonight. i love my friends and we're goofy and amazing. but i worry about other people. what about other people who don't have amazing friends like me, or who don't have these amazing nights like me. and while maybe they are satisfied with their lives without the amazing friends and amazing lives, i just want everyone to be able to experience and not to look back on their high school career and remember it as not fun. i mean what about the kids everyone makes fun of? or the kids who don't have that many close friends? or the kids who never go out on the weekends? gah, it just bothers me so much that not everyone has a perfect life and not everyone is happy. i mean it may not seem like a big deal to everyone but it's making me cry. i mean i started thinking about my brother. and yeah, i know he has friends at school, but he rarely ever goes out with his friends on the weekends. and it makes me sad. as much as he pisses me off constantly, i just want him to be happy. because how am i supposed to know if he's happy? for all i know, his life sucks and he hates high school. but i don't want it to be that way. i feel like this little kid with all these grown up problems i have to solve, but i can't. i can't solve these problems and it hurts me that i can't. i just want to cry to my mom but i can't because i'm supposed to be a big girl. i'm supposed to be a big girl and handle her own problems but i just want to be a little kid sometimes and cry to my parents. i don't know, none of this makes sense.

we had a discussion about neglection with sit today, so i thought i would visit my old friends. the first two days have been pretty good. i've spend 3/4 of it with my friends, which is the place i would most rather be.

so i guess i just realized. that everyone that is with me today, we put there for a reason. that even though sometimes i feel like there is someone missing from my side, they aren't there for a reason. that sometimes you are going to have to realize that not everyone is going to stay by your side forever. and i am alright with that. i am alright.

it's SNOOOOOOOOOOOWING. ♥

so i guess sitDiary is old news. since everyone writes on their xanga now. so, basically, i guess i'll do that too. cuz i go with the flooooowwwwwwww. bye bye ♥

so i guess i haven't updated. i am sick. i got tackled. i got my period. i'm pretty sure that covers everything. & i dont really want to go to school tomorrow. so hopefully i'll die.

so this is my heart updating? idk, katie asked how my heart was doing lately? && then i avoided the question until she forgot about it. so just to set the record straight: well my heart hasn't been having a very good last couple of months. not good at all. and so it's very tired and strained from all of that. and i guess it just got kinda tired of dealing with it everyday, so it (and partly me too) has made a decision. that it's not going to repair itself or get any better if i keep beating myself up over this. so i'm trying to move on. sort of. i'm just giving up on the source of my heart's troubles. because my heart has been trying to find completeness in him but he won't listen to my heart... or doesn't care to, something like that. so the best i can do at this point is to try to talk less or go out of my way to the see the source of my heart's troubles. not saying that i'm ignoring the source, but i'm not going to go and be all "omg hi my name is jamie look at me". so the source of my troubles can try to be buddy buddy with me one moment and not talk to me the next... but this heart has nothing left to give. it's drained. so i'm ignoring what half of my heart is saying, and the other half knows that i can move on with my life and be with other people. but that's all i know for right now.

so jeremy comes home today. YAY JAMIE IS EXCITED. i'm pretty sure i've told like everyone that. but whatever. that's about as exciting as today gets besides falling down the stairs onto nicole in front of some guy in a band. i don't remember the name of it, but nicole told me. and then of course me & hena beating each other up in the hallway and pushing each other into lockers. this is to my girls. who do their best just trying to get by. who love with all they can. who aren't afraid of looking like a fool in public. who eat their mcdonalds behind a pillow while watching house of wax. to the girls who sing lullabies to my ovaries. who scream out left ventricle with me in the middle of the hallway. who show me their permit picture just to make me smile. to my girls who are always there for me. who laugh with me for absolutely no reason. to my girls who sit on the phone late at night talking about the future and what we hope to encounter. to my girls who assign people to the characters in crossroads. to my girls who always comfort each other when a boy breaks their heart. to the girls who get in fights sometimes, but we know that will never change our past nor our friendship. to the girls who sing concerts with me and aren't afraid of sounding horrible. to the ones who learn to play "listen to your heart" on the piano just because they know i love that song. to my girls who i never talk to but despite the distance, still know that we'll always be best friends forever. but most of all, this is to the people who stick by my side. no matter how much i've changed, or how much i've messed up. they are always there for me. and to let them know: i am always here for you. even if you don't think so, i'm here. ♥ you girls.

I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along

i get tired. sick and tired of the same old crap. i get sick of the same feelings, and i get sick of the same people who act the same way everyday. i get sick of hearing the same crap going on in people's lives and i get sick of the same old routine. i get sick of this same old life. sometimes, the people you thought you knew, were never really the people you thought they were. sometimes, the people you count on the most are never there. sometimes, the people who are always there for you, are not what you need to feel better. sometimes, it's easier to be pissed at the world, then let someone know that you're hurting. sometimes, it's easier to hold onto the past, rather than move towards the future. sometimes, it's easier to act like you're ok because you'd rather not deal with people asking you whats wrong. sometimes, people can't see the way they're acting is hurting other people. sometimes, it's easier to expect nothing of people because that means they can't let you down. sometimes people act a certain way, or pretend to be a certain way or embelish certain things just so that everyone will drop everything and run to them. people need to understand that life isn't always going to revolve around them, that things aren't going to always fall into place like they want them to, that will not always be in the spotlight, that the world does not revolve around them, that there are more important things in life then clothes and boyfriends, that the way you treat people is going to bite you in the ass eventually whether it be a week later or 20 years later, that "being a teenager" is not an excuse for acting immature and running away from your problems, and most of all that the world is not fair. you have to learn to give and take. but mostly give. i am not going to wait around forever for everyone. i will take along my best for the ride but if someone EVER expects me to wait on them hand and foot and just keeps taking, taking, taking from other people without ever being there for them in return... then you have another fucking thing coming. but most of all, if you ever doubt me, then you were never the person i thought you were.

It's easy to convince yourself that you arent in love with someone until you see them in the hallway, or smell someone wearing their cologne, and then you`re like, here we go again. So my conclusion is this: you don't ever stop loving someone. It's more a matter of learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore

i am feeling very uncreative and unorginal right now. it's one of those moments where you need to do an impression of natalie portman in garden state. i should really do that but then my family would be like "jamie what are you doing". i don't really feel like a sophomore right now. i feel like i'm a 4 year old. that makes no sense at all but it does to me so shut up. BLAH. i just need to get out and like be.... something. i wish i had SOME outlet to like vent all my feelings and emotions, but i am virtually talentless, so i'm stuck. cuz i can't play guitar or sing or write poems or anything. except even if i did i don't really know what i'd say. i just feel like i'm not being honest with myself or something. i feel like there are so many other things out there that i can be experiencing and i'm missing out on them. except for how am i supposed to experience those things when i live in fricken suburbia? i just want to meet someone who changes me outlook on life completely. who makes me see everything in a different way and sees everything as beautiful. and i want to go lie out under the stars like in sisterhood. and i want to go lie in the middle of the street looking up at the street lights. and i want to go to the state border and straddle the line and be in two places at once. i want to live by the beach and wake up looking out over the water. things like that. moments that make life seem worth it. moments that make you feel allliiiiiiiivvvvvvvveeeee. this entry makes no sense.

i give up on life. end of story.

i am FREAKING out. it is one more day until my driver's test and i am flippin out. this is ridiculous. i am sitting here and i have stupid butterflies in my stomach. which is REtarded, because i'm like the only person who would freak out about a stupid driver's test. and i really don't have high hopes for myself either. i've pretty much mentally prepared myself for failing. because i'm almost positive i'm going to get in the car have a panic attack and hit the curb while parallel parking. and then i'll die. not really but it would be nice to get my license tomorrow. but i don't think i will. i'm probably going to die before 3 30 tomorrow from a heart attack.