and so the darkness falls... but how shall it be perceived? on one end, darkness is pain, sadness, suffering. it is a time where people retreat to their homes for fear of what the darkness holds. they are paranoid, anxious. it is blindness. blindness that angers a man for he desires vision. color. simplicity. on the other end darkness is a time where people retreat to their homes not out of fear, but so that they may rest. sleep. dream. and in these dreams they are free. on this end blindness is not a disability, but a blessing. it allows man to confidently follow his heart. for it is all he is certain exists. he lives a true life. perhaps this is merely a question of the optimist and the pessimist. but in either instance, the darkness eventually comes to its end. and it is in that moment that a segment of fate has been defined. what becomes of the person who finds negativity in darkness? a longer history of dependence. lack of trust. unmended sorrow. they are disappointed. trapped. the other finds growth. not for the moment, but to carry with them for an eternity. they are inevitably more content with life itself. with all that they shall be faced. as the sun rises, will you be curled up, cold and naked? or warmly embraced.

wow. talk about a break huh?

man ive been out for awhile... nothin really interesting going on... hope all is well... i need some new pics

so i went to that underoath show on monday...... can u guys say AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEESSSSSSSOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! alright so i got to caress spencer and his leg.... u see we went like 4 hours early so that we could be in the front and be in the front we were.... he literally climbs right over me and is just singin... his freakin peepee is all up in my face and im just...absolutely in awe... i cant explain how that felt guys...... just freaking awesome. but ne ways the last song of course was my like favorite and like..i just couldnt contain myself. i took out my pigtails and the let fro fro free. u have to see my hair to understand. i mean it just came alive and like ate everyone. : well it did. and yea i stood up on the bar ON the gate that was like 1/2 inch thick haha... yea it was difficult but whatever i got up there and despite losing all feeling in that poor lil leg of mine, i kept standing til the end of the song and.... *sigh* good times... and lets see here.... i crowd surfed for the first time eva! haha...yep to coheed and cambria. it was so fun... oh yea and this giant fell right on top of me... that wasnt cool but hey... he was pretty hott! so yea... it was just...great. jealous? oh... u should be. OH YEAH! the keyboardist from underoath kept giving us water! haha...hes so cool... ne ways...thats all for today folks! have a good one...lada

finally got this piece of caca to work... so yea thats me on the left. the others are 2 of my besterest pals.... so umm...yea have a good one guys!!

hey guys for all who care to see what i look like, go to cassieonfire on myspace...im the chic on the left...have a good one guys

so ive given up on drummer boy...yea i still like him but im waisting my time. so whatever, fuck him. carlos, i tried to keep on good terms with him but hes an ass so yea, fuck him. school sucks ass, the people there annoy the hell outta me, im backed up on the work and just...ahh!!! im just in a really 'whatever' mood. well, ive been in this mood for awhile now so maybe its not a mood ne more...maybe this is who i am. i dunno. time will tell i guess. but yea as far as guys...mmm hmm.... youre gonna have to show me that ur not all the same. because at the moment...thats how i think of you. but yea i hope i dont sound all depressed mode cuz im not at all. i like this 'mood' actually. i just wish i could get out more!! and i cant wait til i can drive. i wish i could drive myself to the underoath show who no one wants to get me to! :( oh well...ill catch em next year...? well hope all is well...later

yea the other day i wrote this really long entry explaining everything to like the last detail and whatta ya know...it doesnt save and i lose it so...this is very summed up cuz i am not about to type it all up again... i broke up with carlos...i had been tryin really hard to like him and stuff...tryin to get more into this whole bf/gf thing but yea...i just...dont like him ha...poor kid. plus he pissed me off for several reasons and yea... i guess the only reason i went out with him in the first place is tryin to get over drummer boy...but ne ways thats over. we went to the bled/silverstein/madison/senses fail show...kicked ass. we talked to like all of them. it was just way awesome. and like we went like 4 hours early to make sure we were in the front, which we were, and literally like 2 minutes after we get there, drummer boy happens to get there. so for like 4 hours hes like right there...it was just so awkward. first time id seen him since all that drama with him happened. i thought i had convinced myself i didnt like him...but seein him just brought everything back...and so i couldnt even look at him that whole time we were standing there. i was just so nervous. but i guess he was...yet he wouldnt talk to me. well we said hey and stuff and like he made like 2 comments to me but u know...for the 4 hours we were there... we basically didnt talk.i was waiting for him to talk to me and at the end of the nite when we i got home... we were texting eachother and right away he says something about me acting like i was too good for him. and i tried to explain that wasnt it but he was like that he was tryin to talk to me the whole time and i was ignoring him...i said sorry, i wasnt trying to....he says whatever youre an a-hole...and i spent i dunno how long tryin to get him to respond to me...i mean i thought he was jokin...but obviously not. he hasnt talked to me at all....but despite all the reasons i have to totally dislike him...i dont. and this bugs the hell outta me that he wont talk to me.... why the fuck do i still like him...

call me slutty but i got my first boyfriend a week after drummer boy 'dumped' me. i dunno if this was such a good idea. hes a really good guy. really nice. really hott ha. and really likes me. maybe thats why this is weird. i mean ive never exactly had someone feel that way towards me. im seeing how he treats me and stuff and like... i realize DB never liked me in the first place. i fail to understand why he would drag 'us' on for over 3 months to simply decide he was bored or whatever the hell happened. i still dont know. when i asked him about this after i realize he was like blowin me off, he said " ive been really busy lately and feel like im leading you on and i really dont want to hurt you, your so sweet to me! " KISS MY ASS DRUMMER BOY!! i hope your happy now. but ne ways a week after that conversation, this guy that we would hang out with finds out me and DB stopped talkin and made his move. i guess hes liked me for awhile. i had absolutely no idea. but yea i dunno. i guess im just gettin used to this whole bf thing. but ne ways... guess im gonna go now. HAVE A GOOD ONE EVERYONE!!!

oooooooooook.... literally over a uh, night? LITERALLY! i guess he got umm..bored...annoyed...lost interest...found a new chic... u tell me. i have absolutely no idea. im thinkin its prolly a little bit of all those things...including the new chic...ouch. but hey this stuff happens right? i mean...its not like it was gonna last forever.... so whatever... its just really obvious hes tryin to pull away from 'this'. guess i gotta let him go.... it was nice while it lasted... cant say im not gonna miss this....... cant say its not gonna hurt.......

Whoo!!! so yea... all that talkin FINALLY paid off... me and DB...we finally made out. yep yep...good stuff huh? it was so awesome... hes so awesome...this is so awesome... im doin pretty darn good. like he came over to g's and it went pretty slow i must say. it took bout an hour for us to hold hands. that alone was a first. so yea i was content with that. then like, we slowly made it to the trampoline and yea, we were just layin up there "lookin at the stars" ha...seems like a book to me. but ne ways yea we were just layin there together holdin hands and stuff and then after like another hour and half, he finally did guys...he finally did. my first KISS kiss...with drummer boy....who the hell woulda thought it? its madness.... but ne ways yea...that was just...just a pretty damn good night....so yea since then....he's came over to visit me TWICE...and the numbers continue to grow.... yep.... were gonna make babies

i love that song! sssssssssssoooooooooooooooooo................. i dont get to update much nemore since i last moved. got the comp hooked up but no main fone line....it sux. i guess not much has happened since i was last on.... me and DB have still been talking everyday... had me worried a few days ago tho.... i was just worrying about nothing in the end. just worked myself up i guess...cuz like ya know he would like call me cute lil names and stuff...heehee....but then like we had a phone convo that was like awkwardly silent and so it ended kinda short and like i texted grecia right afterwards telling her how it was quiet and we needed more things to talk about..and SOMEHOW it was sent to him instead! had me so worried for the longest time cuz it was right after that that he stopped calling me stuff...but yea thats ova! thank goodness. yessss the names are back! lol im a dork... but yea and now i gotta get him something for his BDAY! i think i know what ima do but just for the hell of it.... ne ideas fellas? i dont exactly know what guys like on their bday...... haven't exactly ever had to until now so all suggestions are appreciated! well i guess thats just about it... UNTIL NEXT TIME MY FRIENDS..... F A R E W E L L ! !

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... its been awhile since like the best day ever happened. whats happened since then?? a lot actually. we've talked everyday since the first time i called him...well txtd him ha. but its all good. we spent the 4th of july together and hes came over to hang out a few times after work. so yea... im am QUITE the happy camper. hes kept me in a pretty good mood lately. well... in general. just...yea...its good lol. i like him...alot... i still cant believe this is happening. i mean seriously...its drummer boy! and like we'll be talkin on the fone and stuff and telling eachother how we used to stare at eachother at school and stuff and how he seen my bump into a table cuz i was watching him and not paying attention to anything else!!! lol..i was soo embarrassed..... *sigh* good times, good times. i REALLY REALLY hope this doesnt fade off. i mean it doesnt look like that would happen ne time soon but yea... i dunno... its like im lookin for the title now...ya know the whole bf,gf thing. i hope im not the only one thinkin about that.... considering the whole age thing...i mean hes turning 19 in 2 months and i just turned 15... i mean i dont really see a big prob... im cautious about it dont get me wrong...but i dont think its that huge... seems everyone else does tho...well later

alright alright alright....GET THIS SHIT!!! CASSIE...YES CASSIE...AFTER ALL THE WAITING AND HOPELESS DESIRES I HAVE WITHHELD FOR THE PAST COUNTLESS DAYS,WEEKS,MONTHS...MY TOP OF THE LINE DREAM IS NO LONGER SUCH A DISTANT AND UNREACHABLE MILESTONE. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE (DRUMMER BOY IF U ARE NOT A FREQUENT READER OF THIS DIARY) HAS MADE THE MOVE TO MAKE US HAPPEN...US! HOW THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN??? IVE WANTED SO BADLY TO TALK TO HIM FOREVER AND DESPITE MY UNDERSTANDING THAT I WOULD NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN BEING THAT HE HAD GRADUATED, DESPITE EVERYONE TELLING ME I HAD TO GIVE IT UP, IT WAS OVER,I HELD ON STILL AND FOR ONCE, IT REPAID ITSELF. I MUST SAY GOD HAD MY BACK ON THIS ONE. THX BIG MAN HA SO HOW DOES SUCH A THING TAKE PLACE??? LET ME BRIEFLY DESCRIBE THE BEST NIGHT EVER TO EXISTENCE... 1. I RECEIVE THE NEWS THAT MATT(DB)THINKS I AM HOTT AND THAT I HAVE TO GO TO HIS SHOW THAT NIGHT WHERE HE WOULD BE PLAYING. 2. I GO TO THE SHOW 3. HE PULLS UP LITERALLY 2 MINUTES AFTER I GET THERE AND THE FIRST WORDS EVER SPOKEN TO EACHOTHER WERE...HEY! LOL 4. HE PLAYS HIS DRUMS AS I STARE AND ANALYZE EVERY FACIAL EXPRESSION, EVERY MOVEMENT, JUST AHH! IT WAS GOOD...HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL... 5. COPS UNFORTUNATELY CUT THE SHOW A LIL SHORT 6. SO WERE JUST HANGIN OUT AND ITS JUST LIKE IT WAS AT SCHOOL WHERE WE JUST SMILE AND STARE AT EACHOTHER BUT STILL TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK TO EACHOTHER. 7. HE STARTS COMIN AROUND ME A LOT AS IF HES GOIN TO TALK TO ME...BUT STILL NOTHING 8. HE COMES AND SITS IN THE CHAIR DIRECTLY BEHIND ME AND SO I JUST GO FOR THE DAMN KILL AND ASK HIM SOME GAY QUESTION...JUST MAKIN CONVERSATION :p 9. SO WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE THE SHOW, WALK OUTSIDE, START WALKIN BACK TOWARDS OUR HOUSE...AND JUST AS WE TURN THE CORNER, MATT HAS JUMPED IN THE CAR TO CATCH UP TO US...OR SHOULD I SAY ME...HEEHEE 10. MY BUTTHOLE FRIENDS MAKE ME GO WITH THEM TO PICK UP SOME JACK IN THE BOX LOL...WE TALK AND STUFF ON THE WAY (FRIENDS... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HAHA) 11. WE GET BACK TO THE HOUSE. IM LIKE "THANKS", START WALKIN TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR...AND HES LIKE "HEY, IF YOU GET BORED OR SOMETHIN LATER, CALL ME" YEP, HE PASSES THE DIGITS. SO NOW IM A MONTH PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD AND WE LIVE A MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE OFF THE COAST IN CALI...

back from rocky point....good times good times.... altho im about to spew my intestines... i think it was the food. but ya know i dont regret it at all...that food is too damn good to pass up...even if it gives my chlamydia...or somethin haha. well i gotta go lie down now...hope all is well ...later

im off to a graduation dinner in a few. mexican restaurant called popo's... i feel it too closely resembles poopoo's...prolly not the best name for a restaurant but hey..ill admit its damn good. OH YEA! fate is at work guys, fate is at work. i haven't lost all connections to drummer boy. my friends bro is supposed to start hangin with him so guess ill be a frequent visitor once that happens :D who woulda thought... wow i got myself into quite a shithole. im so dumb. i must have been waisted for a few months there. but now im sober. and im not ready to explain what im talkin bout yet haha...eventually. its just...this wound is still in its flesh...not ready to be exposed.. well im out...later

wow...last night was cool. pretty good birthday i must say. its cool to just hang with the pals once in awhile. like none of us are into eachother or ne thing so like were just all cool and...yea its great. geez im all sore tho. damn grecia jumps on my head. i lost one of my 7 lives. whore. so were startin a band. hopeless romantic...that sounds quite accurate for the 3 of us ha... man i need to get these pics on here! well im gonna go.....have a good one!!!!!! OMG....its summer

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! WOO! finally 15...14 was such a pain in the ass already. i felt so young...it just sounds young. fffoooouuuurrrrrrrrrttttteeeeeeeeeeennnnnn... u hear the youngness tone to it? eh whatever. its done. now ima wait just as long to be 16 so i can drive...what the hell ima drive ne ways. im just gonna go. just gonna drive. breathe a lil bit. so like yea...last day of school was today. totally bombed that spanish final...sux cuz like i was supposed ace that shit. oh well... so yea. i dont know what the hell ive got myself into. in effort of tryin to make it easier for me to have let matt go, i made it worse. like now hes gone and like i dont even like this other. so great move cass. way to go. i think i need to think a lil more before i do things like this. but shit i waisted so much on this!! ugh...whatever its done. ive been thinkin a lot lately. like i just want this great guy already. and not just a guy like... i mean i want a boyfriend. a good one. for once i wanna meet someone who likes me as much as im into him if not more. just a nice, clean guy. who would like write a song for me. bust out with his acoustic and like just surprise me with it. ugh..teary eyed teary eyed. where im at now it feels like that doesnt exist. just another hopeless dream. hopefully someone will come along and prove me wrong. ne ways enough sensitivo ha. so yea the plan is to go to one of the guys casas and just hang for my bday tonight. the ol' swimmin kick back. the only thing AZ weather is good for. well crash bandicoot is waiting for me so im outta here. have a good one mijitos!! <<

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He's gone...thats it. all of that. like all my entries are about him...and now ill never see him again. i guess i made a mistake. its my fault....

my pals just jumped at me cuz i never talk about them in my entries... haha...cuz theyre losers... haha not really i love em. so what can i say? grecia has an abusive relationship with an ass..adie has many short relationships all the time haha... me?? well unless u cant tell... i continue to wait for my turn... drummer boy...PLEEZ boy.. i only have 8 days left at school with him...i love that boy...its killin me guys, killin me.... JUST TALK TO ME!! haha... wow yesterday...got locked outta the house...that was a huge catastophe but ne ways...we finally get through the window when this truck passes by...its DB's friends...grecia thought he was in there... thankfully we found out he was not cuz i looked like caca...all sweaty and shit from the effort to get to the A/C... turns out they were on their way to pick him up... i love that boy... so ne ways my friends ha.... we need to go see mean girls... cuz we are the mean girls haha...no really. well...i dunno how to explain it. just yea we gotta see it...and i need to get our picture on here. LOOK FORWARD TO THAT!!! so yesss...take care children and wish me luck for these last 8 days... wow...i love that boy...