this was written september 14th, 2009. over a year ago now. i came across it tonight in my email drafts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish you could go in my head and see what I'm thinking, and how I feel, but you can't. So I'll try and explain. I've made the biggest mistake of my life, and I'm reminded of it every single day. I wish I never did it, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I can say honestly I've never been this miserable in my entire life. Everyone says it is just for now, that I'll get over it, and GOD I'm trying, but its becoming more and more clear that it isn't happening. I know that you hate me, and I wouldn't expect any different. Why wouldn't you? I've been selfish, hurtful, unloving, demanding, disrespectful, intrusive, and immature. But, I'm trying to change. Through all this I've realized how bad I am, and I'm GOING to be better. I WILL become the man for you, I won't give up. I put all of your things away, and realized how great we were. I left a single picture up, that PERFECTLY described/s us. The picture of me pulling you in a cart down your old street. Then there's the 100s of blank squares on my walls where your pictures used to be. The cold bed that means nothing to me because YOU and YOUR blankets aren't there anymore. I thought that not seeing you would make me miserable, and that this was the best choice, but knowing that you aren't waiting for me, that I won't come home and the first thing I do is hug you, is the worst fate I can imagine. I'd rather wait a thousand years for you, knowing that you were doing the same, than live through this hell. But I know how great you are. You are literally the perfect woman. Perfect for not just me, but any man lucky enough to catch your eye. So live your life. If you've found someone better than me, than PLEASE enjoy your life. I'd rather be a side note in your life than nothing at all, and if this is what it takes, I'm fine with it. My one request is that he be better than me. You deserve the best man possible and anything less than what we had isn't deserving of you. In the meantime, I'll be working. I'm going to become a better person, a person that can deserve you. I'm going to try and move on, but we'll see where life takes us. I'll always be waiting. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I'll wait for you this time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's official, i'm an idiot. i was too prideful or something. i mean i know i was hurt as hell, but jesus fucking christ.. what the hell is wrong with me? i should have dropped everything and taken him back right fucking then and there. the second i read this. i'm a moron. i listened to my friends, i listened to people who don't really know me and kiefer. the only people who really know me and kiefer are ME AND KIEFER. i should have just listened to ME. i wanted him more than anything, but i didn't take him..? i have to be fucked up in the head or something. there's no other explanation, right? then he tried again. and again.. really hard. he tried really hard. and what did i do? i hurt him. i denyed him. why? i'll never fucking know. what i do know: that will never happen again. and i'll be the one to put myself out there. yeah sure i did it the first time and got my heart handed back to me, but i did worse. i did worse. so this time i'm going to put myseld out there, my whole self, everything i've got. we're fucking meant to be together. like duh. seriously who the fuck else would i ever want??? who the hell would want me more than him? nobody! we love each other. or at least i love him, i can't be certain that he loves me back, but i can hope. i stopped hoping because shit got bad, really bad, so i denyed all hope, i turned it away, that was my first mistake. with many after that.. but this time i will hope. i'll hope with everything i've got. what the hell do i have to lose?! seriously. i've already lost the love of my life, if i don't try to get him back now, i'll never have anything worth living for. he was the reason i was always so happy. he was the reason i lived. he was the reason for hope. and i want my reason back. no more waiting around for the right moment. no more fucking dilly dallying. no more selfishness. no more fear. i'm not afraid anymore. i am so sorry that i was afraid for so long. we've lost a year and a quarter and i'm not about to lose anymore time with you. i hope you're still waiting for me, because i'm coming.

sometimes i pretend that some of the postsecrets i read are about me from you. then i grow a brain and realize that isn't going to happen. nothing that i want or plan to happen is going to happen. it sucks because i plan out really awesome shit. like, you have no idea, you'd be so excited. it's always the raddest most legit series of romatic, but nonchalant events. i saw a postsecret today that i thought had to be for me from you, then at a second glance i saw the eiffle tower in the background and realized that if it was from you it'd be for her. not me. that sucked. i usually come to the conclusion of, "you're being so lame it's ridiculous, that post card is not directed at you twat. go get a life." this time it was, "what if that means me?! oh..wait.. wow he's going to visit her.." and then i preceded to be sad. i am leading a double life and both sides are very shitty. well this certainly blows. i wish it was May. if it was May, i'm fairly certain i'd be happy right now because one of my romantic, but nonchalant plans could be coming into action. and it would be sweet. i even know what i'd wear. yeah i've thought of all the details possible on my side. it's your side that i don't know how it'd go. tried it once and i definitely got the opposite reaction than what i thought i was going to happen. then you tried it and i'm pretty sure you got the opposite reaction as well. what are we doing? shit, that's wrong.-- what am I doing?..

i just keep waiting for you to text me. which is stupid, i know, you don't have to tell me. i talked to jade the other day. she helped a little bit. she told me i'm not looking at serious things, that i'm looking at my situation at such a wide angle that i can't really see what's going on. which was the perfect analogy, she was dead on. things that should be a big deal i'm sort of blowing off. like the fact that i don't laugh anymore with michael. or the fact that kissing kiefer made me cry. those are big things, but i list them in with other things so often that i don't recognize them for what they are. not laughing with michael is a big sign that it's not going to work out. arguing and fighting all the time is a big deal. loving kiefer, but crying is we kiss because it didn't feel right is a big thing. my dad called me today and told me that i could move out to vegas if i don't like my living situation or if i get trapped somewhere or i'm without a house or if i just want to. he said debbie could get me a job as a cocktail waitress. he said they make pretty good money. i told him i don't really wana move because i just got a new job and i'm supposed to start school in february. plus there's other things to keep me in ventura. i don't know. it was really comforting and nice of him to tell me that though. so now i know that i won't be homeless. i'm just sort of floating along. letting things happen to me. sometimes trying to make things happen for myself, but fucking them up. so then i'm hurt and floating. it isn't fun. i don't like it. my perry costume was good. but the second i walked into the party i felt unattrative because my costume wasn't skanky at all. i was covered head to toe while everyone else was showing legs and boobs and everything really. meh whatver, maybe next year i'll be seksi. probably not. i should get back to work. at least we close in an hour and i can go enjoy halloween with my friends.

i'm not happy. i'll never be happy again. i miss you kiefer. and i need you. i am in love with you. i'm not happy with michael. we fight and argue all the time. all the god damn time. all the time! it's never ending. he finds reasons to be upset with me. i'm unhappy with michael because i think about you all the time. i sit here and day dream about you. about being with you. about ways to get you back. about us, together and happy. we're purple people in an orange world. aaaahhhhhhhhhhh! someone fucking help me. it's been ten months since he broke up with me. it's been four months since we got back together and i broke up with him. but it wouldn't matter if it had been ten years and four months, i am never going to stop loving him. i can't. i've tried to stop it, i've tried to change it, i've tried to ignore it, i've tried to overcome it, i've tried to deny it, but it doesn't work. nothing works. my feelings for him won't go away. my life would be cake if i didn't love him. but i do. jesus christ i really do. fucking jordan, god you idiot. you idiot. you're a moron. go away, go away, go away. leave me alone. feelings for kiefer, thoughts about kiefer, dreams about kiefer- go away. leave me be. please. please. please. he's never going to love me back. he's never going to forgive me for dating michael, let alone love me again. i have fucked over my life. if i died now, things would be great.

last night, while in sleepy creepy mode, michael hinted to the fact that he is most definitely falling for me. he said he hasn't said anything because he doesn't want it to be just those fun feelings of infatuation one has with any new relationship. he also said that he would feel foolish and embarrassed if he told me just because it's so soon. who knows if he remembers saying all of this or not, but it was nice to hear. he also said something cute earlier that night that he spoke about again while in sleepy creepy mode. he grabbed a full bottle of smirnoff vodka and said if you drink all of this and wake up then we're meant to be together. he was joking, but when he spoke about it later he mentioned how he didn't really mean to say it or something along those lines because he didn't want to say anything to me yet that pertains to "we belong together." that was a runon sentence, i don't give a fuck. anyhow, i'm just wondering if maybe michael is the guy. it's hard to tell. i mean i know i'm not supposed to be able to tell so soon into the relationship, but with kiefer i knew while we were just friends that i wanted to marry him. then when we actually had a relationship it was just that much more in-your-face clear that we are supposed to get married and make babies and literally live happily ever after. but it didn't work out that way. obviously.. but now michael has got me wondering if this is it. if i'm meant to fall in love again or not. i don't feel it yet, but it could be budding inside of me. maybe not love for michael, but being able to love in general. or at all i mean really. i'm probably going to end up falling in love with michael, but for now i'm just flying, going whereever the wind takes me. right now the wind is blowing me into having fun with michael almost everyday. i'm having a blast, but at the same time i know i'm not as happy as i once was. he looks at me every now and then and asks me if i'm sad. he says i always look sad. i'm not sad, i'm just not as happy as i once was. as happy as i was with kiefer. or as happy as kiefer made me feel. i don't know it's so weird. everything is so weird right now. i know that i have the potential to be as happy or happier even with michael. i think i'm not letting myself. dude i think that's seriously my problem, i am not letting myself reach that point of ultimate happiness. number one because of what kiefer did to me, number two because of what i did to scott, and number three because of what michael did to me early on. if michael hadn't backed out in the beginning i would trust him completely. but now i can't trust him fully. plus the whole kiefer breaking me into a million pieces thing has made me put up even more walls then i already had to begin with. and trust me, i had a fucking fuck ton. from birth. i have no idea why i've always had the fucking great wall of china around me, but i always have. it sucks for everyone around me, but fuck it really sucks for me too. how can anyone ever love someone like this? how can i ever love someone? you can't around my walls, you can't break them down, you can't climb over them. i have to let you in. and that;s the hardest mother fucking thing uhhhhuuuuhhhhhhhh.

*131* I don't know what I expected Feeling: unstoppable Well before I let it all out, I'll describe my weekend. Me and Mike, on the fly, decided to drive to San Francisco for the weekend. We got Giants tickets, and I wanted to see the Dodgers lose, PLUS I got to see Brian Wilson close the game. Boston WILL have him one day. Of course I saw Andy, and I got us some tattoos. They look pretty dope, kinda schmall and on our rib cages, but on our backs, if that makes sense. "Seven Seventy" is what it says, and that's how many days we were born apart. It was fine for me, but it was her first tattoo so it was tough on her, but she did great. Mine totally didn't raise as much as hers did either, it was pretty funny. I can't even see it without a mirror. Now I am officially broke though, that was all the money I'd saved. 3 dollars in my bank I think. so that was great. But I had a TERRIBLE feeling all weekend, and my phone was dead so I couldn't call, I tried but she didn't answer anyway, but I found out what it was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wish you could go in my head and see what I'm thinking, and how I feel, but you can't. So I'll try and explain. I've made the biggest mistake of my life, and I'm reminded of it every single day. I wish I never did it, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I can say honestly I've never been this miserable in my entire life. Everyone says it is just for now, that I'll get over it, and GOD I'm trying, but its becoming more and more clear that it isn't happening. I know that you hate me, and I wouldn't expect any different. Why wouldn't you? I've been selfish, hurtful, unloving, demanding, disrespectful, intrusive, and immature. But, I'm trying to change. Through all this I've realized how bad I am, and I'm GOING to be better. I WILL become the man for you, I won't give up. I put all of your things away, and realized how great we were. I left a single picture up, that PERFECTLY described/s us. The picture of me pulling you in a cart down your old street. Then there's the 100s of blank squares on my walls where your pictures used to be. The cold bed that means nothing to me because YOU and YOUR blankets aren't there anymore. I thought that not seeing you would make me miserable, and that this was the best choice, but knowing that you aren't waiting for me, that I won't come home and the first thing I do is hug you, is the worst fate I can imagine. I'd rather wait a thousand years for you, knowing that you were doing the same, than live through this hell. But I know how great you are. You are literally the perfect woman. Perfect for not just me, but any man lucky enough to catch your eye. So live your life. If you've found someone better than me, than PLEASE enjoy your life. I'd rather be a side note in your life than nothing at all, and if this is what it takes, I'm fine with it. My one request is that he be better than me. You deserve the best man possible and anything less than what we had isn't deserving of you. In the meantime, I'll be working. I'm going to become a better person, a person that can deserve you. I'm going to try and move on, but we'll see where life takes us. I'll always be waiting. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I'll wait for you this time.

kiefer and i started dating again shortly after i wrote that last entry. except this time i couldn't do the distance. i was the one who broke up with him. i broke up with kiefer quirk, girls don't do that. you don't break up with kiefer, he breaks up with you. anyway, we had only been back together for about a month or so when i broke up with him. it was too hard, and i couldn't do it anymore because the security was no longer there. we were together for three years then BAM we weren't anymore. then we spent six fucking months apart and just assumed that if we got back together everything would be as it used to be. well it wasn't as it used to be. i was no longer secure in our relationship. i went from knowing, full well knowing that we were going to get married to all of a sudden being broken up out of nowhere. i can't get back into that being a long distance relationship, we need to be close for something with those conditions to work. i've been dating my long time friend michael recently. i like him, we have fun together. but i think about kiefer all the time. i'm always thinking about him. he is never not on my mind. never. when i'm at school, when i'm at home, when i'm with my friends, worse when i'm with michael.. i just can't stop thinking about him. i miss him incredibly. but the really awful thing is that i miss my kiefer. my kiefer, not this new and unknown person he has become. he's not who i fell in love with anymore. and that breaks my heart. he was the one person who i knew would always love me for me, no matter what. and now he's different. now i believe that no person in their right mind will ever or could ever love me fully like he did. and like i loved him. it's just not in the cards for me anymore. maybe in your lifetime you're only allowed one great love. well i already had mine. and the sucky part is that it only lasted three years.

i broke up with scooter almost a month ago. i'm fairly certain that he wants nothing to do with me anymore. whatever. i tried to tell him that i am not the woman of his dreams, but he just wouldn't see it that way. well, he will now that we're not together. i believe it was the 29th that i told kiefer that i still love him. he responded with "i'm sort of not straight edge anymore." he also said that he can't really say it back because he has a girlfriend and that wouldn't be fair. ya ok. i am more than certain that he barely wants to be my friend anymore, let alone my boyfriend. so that fucking blows. yay. i started school and i love it. i got a job and as far as i can tell (since i havent officially started yet) that i'm going to love it despite the hair and make up restrictions. so if i'm more than certain that kiefer barely wants to be my friend let alone my boyfriend, then why am i still hung up on him? it's been almost SIX goddamn months. i need to deal with the fact that it's over and that its never going to happen again. six months jordan, come on, it's been six months. i need to start looking at other guys. i need to show the world how fucking amazing i am. because i really am crazy bad ass. b.a.p. if you will.

am i falling for scoot? i called him baby only twice and it was because i wanted something and i knew how to get it. but now i call him baby all the time. i used to use him for his body, his rugged man strength. now.. i do it with him because i need to. because i don't want anyone else. i didn't tell him anything. now i tell him everything. i'm so comfortable with him. it's beyond comfort really.. i feel .. safe. i used to try and tell myself i felt safe with kiefer, but really, deep down, i always knew he'd leave me. i always knew i loved him more than he loved me. with scooter, i really am safe. i'm definitely physically safe, and i'm emotionally safe too. it's a weird feeling, but a great feeling. great. stupendous. when i think back to the things kiefer said to me the night i tried to win him back, being with scott makes everything better. i gave kiefer my heart. but scott stole my heart. he definitely stole it.. and it definitely belongs to him now. it kind of hurts me to say that. kiefer is supposed to own my heart, but he didn't want it. so somebody else took it. and that somebody else, he's taking much better care of it than kiefer ever even tried to. kiefer did three romantic things that i can think of. 1. he surprised me with roses while i was sleeping for thanksgiving break. 2. he surprised me on my birthday in the theatre with flowers. 3. he ordered me a cheese burger with no pickles, i don't even do that for myself. but that's it. that's all he did. scott has not only done random cute things for me already, but he is constantly telling me how much he likes me and why, constantly complimenting my body and personality, and has the potential to do some really romantic and grand things for me. kiefer still hasn't tried to win me back beyond a phone call..

i'm falling for him too because i desperately miss love.

Need To Be Next To You - Leigh Nash Been running from these feelings for so long Telling my heart I didn't need you Pretending I was better off alone But I know that it's just a lie So afraid to take a chance again So afraid of what I'd feel inside But I need to be next to you (need to be next to you) oh I, oh I I need to share every breath with you (share every breath with you) oh I, oh I I need to know I can see your smile each morning Look into your eyes each night For the rest of my life Here with you, near with you Oh I I need to be next to you Need to be next to you Right here with you is right where I belong I lose my mind if I can't see you Without you there is nothing in this life That would make life worth living for I can't bear the thought of you not there I can't fight what I feel anymore Cause I need to be next to you (need to be next to you) oh I, oh I I need to share every breath with you (share every breath with you) oh I, oh I I need to know I can see your smile each morning Look into your eyes each night For the rest of my life Here with you, near with you Oh I I need to be next to you I need to have your heart next to mine For all the time Hold you for all my life I need to be next to you I need to be next to you (need to be next to you) oh I, oh I Need to be, need to be next to you (oh I, oh I) Share every breath with you I need to feel you in my arms, babe (oh I..) In my arms, babe (oh I..) I need to be next to you

i really should title these so i know what the hell they're about. so jade said that brent said that scoot said that he's falling for me. fuckk. idk though, i mean.. idk. shit. i don't want him to love me because i know i'm never going to love him, but it's kinda nice in a way. he really appreciates me, in every way possible. plus he got me a dozen roses the other day for no god damn reason. i'm a sucker for red roses. i know in my heart, throughout my whole heart, that i'll never love him. but will i have the balls to not say "i love you" back when he finally says it to me? it would suck for him if i didn't say it back. i know in the beginning i won't say it back, but maybe he'll just wear me down..you know? what if he constantly tells me? i know him. i'll say to him something like, "i appreciate the courage it took for you to say that to me, but i just don't feel the same way." how many times will i be able to say that? not that many. he'll stick it out for as long as it takes.. i know he will. he'll wait. and wait and wait for me to love him back. but i won't, ever. who knows, maybe me never saying it back will be the thing to break us up. unrequited love really is a terrible thing.

dammit, i really am a heartless bitch.. even peter said it. fuck, i'm a horrible person. i use my boyfriend for his body. for his manly comfort, for his hugs. i'm not really interested in him, like his personality, not interested, don't really care. fuckin honestly, he's too nice for me. i need a guy who is gona be a dick every now and then. you can't smother me with compliments and affection 24 god damn 7. i don't want it. grow a pair of fucking balls and treat me like there are other things in the world you care about besides me! i don't like being the center of attention. i don't like you clinging to me round the clock. lay off because i'm just going to break your heart later. fuck. i'm a dick. seriously, i wear the god damn pants. plus, get a job you mother fucker! i want a guy who can easily pay for me when we go to the movies. not a guy who needs to do chores from his mom to get money. get a job! as much as i don't like being paid for, I DON'T LIKE PAYING FOR YOU TOO! i'm trying save for my future here, i can't do that very well if i have to pay all the time. you're the man, you're supposed to pay!! fuck i'm annoyed. i hate this garbage dump of a situation i'm in. i fucking love kiefer and i can't have him. sure i've been there before, but this time he loves me back. we love each other and can't have each other. we both have somebody else. it's just bad timing. no, worse than that. the timing isn't off, we're off. i still don't think he really knows what he did to me. i was the happiest mother fucker around. he took away every single little thing in the entire universe that ever meant anything to me. he just took it!! and he didn't give one god damn fuck either. he's an asshole and i shouldn't want to be with him, but i just can't help it- i'm in love with him.. i am in love with kiefer shawn and some days i wish i wasn't. because the days that i love being in love with him are harder than anything i've ever been through in my life.

i still want to marry you. you're still the man of my dreams. you still broke my heart. i still need you. i needed more than a phone call. i still need more than a phone call. but the timing isn't right. when you called me two months ago and told me that you made a mistake, that you love me, i needed more than that. i know it sounds lame, but i needed a grand romantic gesture. i drove for 12 hours to try and win you back. i was so nervous for those 12 long hours, but hopeful. everyone i spoke to said everything was going to work out because i was making such a big effort to keep you. my hope was pointless and i'll never hope again because of this. i drove home for another 12 hours the next morning without feeling. without a heart. i left it with you. well i'm not too sure if i left it with you. i think i just left it in humbolt. i didn't want it anymore. so i left it there, vulnerable. who knows if you decided to pick it up or not. the point is, you hurt me worse than i could have ever imagined possible. i thought i was going to marry you. i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with you. i was really happy. i was really happy. and the truth is, now i'm stuck here in ventura with a boyfriend i like only every other day, with a boyfriend i have no intention of marrying, with a boyfriend who deserves my love and affection, with a boyfriend who will never get that, with a boyfriend who isn't you. i hate myself for loving you. i hate myself for losing you. i hate you more for breaking my heart and not caring at all. that was really god damn bastardly of you. you stupid ass hole. jesus christ, you're such an idiot. i can seriously see now why guys want me. i'm funny, i'm not stupid, i'm attractive, i listen, i care, i'm a real person, i'm nice, i'm sweet, i have great boobs, i have a nice butt, honestly my body is rockin, i'm no where near a bitch, i'm not mean when i'm on my period, i'll do anything for the man i love, i have goals, i have responsible priorities, i'm straight edge, i love baseball, i have great friends who love me, i'm great at sex, i don't take 7 years to get ready in the morning, i'm genuinely interested in everything you have to say, i'm stubborn with silly things that will make you laugh instead of be angry, i'm great for movie trivia, i can make lots of silly faces and do lots of silly voices, i'm not a conceited whore, i save money, whatever i'm sick of writing this list, i'm a really great person and you just took that for granted. hard core took it for granted. i'm the best girlfriend in the world. i make people feel really great about themselves. i could have rocked your world. plus we would have had the cutest babies ever. i don't even want kids anymore. i don't even want to get married anymore. honestly if it's not with you, i just really don't want it. there's no other family i want to be a part of, but yours. fuck kids, i don't want them at all. fuck marriage, nobody is worth my time. i still miss you everyday. i still wish you really proved to me that you love me. i still want you. i still need you.