last night, while in sleepy creepy mode, michael hinted to the fact that he is most definitely falling for me. he said he hasn't said anything because he doesn't want it to be just those fun feelings of infatuation one has with any new relationship. he also said that he would feel foolish and embarrassed if he told me just because it's so soon. who knows if he remembers saying all of this or not, but it was nice to hear. he also said something cute earlier that night that he spoke about again while in sleepy creepy mode. he grabbed a full bottle of smirnoff vodka and said if you drink all of this and wake up then we're meant to be together. he was joking, but when he spoke about it later he mentioned how he didn't really mean to say it or something along those lines because he didn't want to say anything to me yet that pertains to "we belong together." that was a runon sentence, i don't give a fuck.

anyhow, i'm just wondering if maybe michael is the guy. it's hard to tell. i mean i know i'm not supposed to be able to tell so soon into the relationship, but with kiefer i knew while we were just friends that i wanted to marry him. then when we actually had a relationship it was just that much more in-your-face clear that we are supposed to get married and make babies and literally live happily ever after. but it didn't work out that way. obviously..

but now michael has got me wondering if this is it. if i'm meant to fall in love again or not. i don't feel it yet, but it could be budding inside of me. maybe not love for michael, but being able to love in general. or at all i mean really. i'm probably going to end up falling in love with michael, but for now i'm just flying, going whereever the wind takes me. right now the wind is blowing me into having fun with michael almost everyday. i'm having a blast, but at the same time i know i'm not as happy as i once was. he looks at me every now and then and asks me if i'm sad. he says i always look sad. i'm not sad, i'm just not as happy as i once was. as happy as i was with kiefer. or as happy as kiefer made me feel. i don't know it's so weird. everything is so weird right now.

i know that i have the potential to be as happy or happier even with michael. i think i'm not letting myself. dude i think that's seriously my problem, i am not letting myself reach that point of ultimate happiness. number one because of what kiefer did to me, number two because of what i did to scott, and number three because of what michael did to me early on. if michael hadn't backed out in the beginning i would trust him completely. but now i can't trust him fully. plus the whole kiefer breaking me into a million pieces thing has made me put up even more walls then i already had to begin with. and trust me, i had a fucking fuck ton. from birth. i have no idea why i've always had the fucking great wall of china around me, but i always have. it sucks for everyone around me, but fuck it really sucks for me too. how can anyone ever love someone like this? how can i ever love someone? you can't around my walls, you can't break them down, you can't climb over them. i have to let you in. and that;s the hardest mother fucking thing uhhhhuuuuhhhhhhhh.