i just keep waiting for you to text me. which is stupid, i know, you don't have to tell me.

i talked to jade the other day. she helped a little bit. she told me i'm not looking at serious things, that i'm looking at my situation at such a wide angle that i can't really see what's going on. which was the perfect analogy, she was dead on. things that should be a big deal i'm sort of blowing off. like the fact that i don't laugh anymore with michael. or the fact that kissing kiefer made me cry. those are big things, but i list them in with other things so often that i don't recognize them for what they are. not laughing with michael is a big sign that it's not going to work out. arguing and fighting all the time is a big deal. loving kiefer, but crying is we kiss because it didn't feel right is a big thing.

my dad called me today and told me that i could move out to vegas if i don't like my living situation or if i get trapped somewhere or i'm without a house or if i just want to. he said debbie could get me a job as a cocktail waitress. he said they make pretty good money. i told him i don't really wana move because i just got a new job and i'm supposed to start school in february. plus there's other things to keep me in ventura. i don't know. it was really comforting and nice of him to tell me that though. so now i know that i won't be homeless.

i'm just sort of floating along. letting things happen to me. sometimes trying to make things happen for myself, but fucking them up. so then i'm hurt and floating. it isn't fun. i don't like it.

my perry costume was good. but the second i walked into the party i felt unattrative because my costume wasn't skanky at all. i was covered head to toe while everyone else was showing legs and boobs and everything really. meh whatver, maybe next year i'll be seksi. probably not.

i should get back to work. at least we close in an hour and i can go enjoy halloween with my friends.