| *131* I don't know what I expected | |
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Feeling: unstoppable
Me and Mike, on the fly, decided to drive to San Francisco for the weekend. We got Giants tickets, and I wanted to see the Dodgers lose, PLUS I got to see Brian Wilson close the game. Boston WILL have him one day. Of course I saw Andy, and I got us some tattoos. They look pretty dope, kinda schmall and on our rib cages, but on our backs, if that makes sense. "Seven Seventy" is what it says, and that's how many days we were born apart. It was fine for me, but it was her first tattoo so it was tough on her, but she did great. Mine totally didn't raise as much as hers did either, it was pretty funny. I can't even see it without a mirror. Now I am officially broke though, that was all the money I'd saved. 3 dollars in my bank I think. so that was great. But I had a TERRIBLE feeling all weekend, and my phone was dead so I couldn't call, I tried but she didn't answer anyway, but I found out what it was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wish you could go in my head and see what I'm thinking, and how I feel, but you can't. So I'll try and explain. I've made the biggest mistake of my life, and I'm reminded of it every single day. I wish I never did it, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I can say honestly I've never been this miserable in my entire life. Everyone says it is just for now, that I'll get over it, and GOD I'm trying, but its becoming more and more clear that it isn't happening. I know that you hate me, and I wouldn't expect any different. Why wouldn't you? I've been selfish, hurtful, unloving, demanding, disrespectful, intrusive, and immature. But, I'm trying to change. Through all this I've realized how bad I am, and I'm GOING to be better. I WILL become the man for you, I won't give up. I put all of your things away, and realized how great we were. I left a single picture up, that PERFECTLY described/s us. The picture of me pulling you in a cart down your old street. Then there's the 100s of blank squares on my walls where your pictures used to be. The cold bed that means nothing to me because YOU and YOUR blankets aren't there anymore. I thought that not seeing you would make me miserable, and that this was the best choice, but knowing that you aren't waiting for me, that I won't come home and the first thing I do is hug you, is the worst fate I can imagine. I'd rather wait a thousand years for you, knowing that you were doing the same, than live through this hell. But I know how great you are. You are literally the perfect woman. Perfect for not just me, but any man lucky enough to catch your eye. So live your life. If you've found someone better than me, than PLEASE enjoy your life. I'd rather be a side note in your life than nothing at all, and if this is what it takes, I'm fine with it. My one request is that he be better than me. You deserve the best man possible and anything less than what we had isn't deserving of you. In the meantime, I'll be working. I'm going to become a better person, a person that can deserve you. I'm going to try and move on, but we'll see where life takes us. I'll always be waiting. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I'll wait for you this time. |
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