i still want to marry you. you're still the man of my dreams. you still broke my heart. i still need you. i needed more than a phone call. i still need more than a phone call. but the timing isn't right. when you called me two months ago and told me that you made a mistake, that you love me, i needed more than that. i know it sounds lame, but i needed a grand romantic gesture. i drove for 12 hours to try and win you back. i was so nervous for those 12 long hours, but hopeful. everyone i spoke to said everything was going to work out because i was making such a big effort to keep you. my hope was pointless and i'll never hope again because of this. i drove home for another 12 hours the next morning without feeling. without a heart. i left it with you. well i'm not too sure if i left it with you. i think i just left it in humbolt. i didn't want it anymore. so i left it there, vulnerable. who knows if you decided to pick it up or not. the point is, you hurt me worse than i could have ever imagined possible. i thought i was going to marry you. i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with you. i was really happy. i was really happy. and the truth is, now i'm stuck here in ventura with a boyfriend i like only every other day, with a boyfriend i have no intention of marrying, with a boyfriend who deserves my love and affection, with a boyfriend who will never get that, with a boyfriend who isn't you. i hate myself for loving you. i hate myself for losing you. i hate you more for breaking my heart and not caring at all. that was really god damn bastardly of you. you stupid ass hole. jesus christ, you're such an idiot. i can seriously see now why guys want me. i'm funny, i'm not stupid, i'm attractive, i listen, i care, i'm a real person, i'm nice, i'm sweet, i have great boobs, i have a nice butt, honestly my body is rockin, i'm no where near a bitch, i'm not mean when i'm on my period, i'll do anything for the man i love, i have goals, i have responsible priorities, i'm straight edge, i love baseball, i have great friends who love me, i'm great at sex, i don't take 7 years to get ready in the morning, i'm genuinely interested in everything you have to say, i'm stubborn with silly things that will make you laugh instead of be angry, i'm great for movie trivia, i can make lots of silly faces and do lots of silly voices, i'm not a conceited whore, i save money, whatever i'm sick of writing this list, i'm a really great person and you just took that for granted. hard core took it for granted. i'm the best girlfriend in the world. i make people feel really great about themselves. i could have rocked your world. plus we would have had the cutest babies ever. i don't even want kids anymore. i don't even want to get married anymore. honestly if it's not with you, i just really don't want it. there's no other family i want to be a part of, but yours. fuck kids, i don't want them at all. fuck marriage, nobody is worth my time. i still miss you everyday. i still wish you really proved to me that you love me. i still want you. i still need you.