this was written september 14th, 2009. over a year ago now. i came across it tonight in my email drafts.
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I wish you could go in my head and see what I'm thinking, and how I feel, but you can't. So I'll try and explain.
I've made the biggest mistake of my life, and I'm reminded of it every single day.
I wish I never did it, I wish I could take it back, but I can't.
I can say honestly I've never been this miserable in my entire life. Everyone says it is just for now, that I'll get over it, and GOD I'm trying, but its becoming more and more clear that it isn't happening.
I know that you hate me, and I wouldn't expect any different. Why wouldn't you? I've been selfish, hurtful, unloving, demanding, disrespectful, intrusive, and immature.
But, I'm trying to change. Through all this I've realized how bad I am, and I'm GOING to be better. I WILL become the man for you, I won't give up.
I put all of your things away, and realized how great we were. I left a single picture up, that PERFECTLY described/s us. The picture of me pulling you in a cart down your old street.
Then there's the 100s of blank squares on my walls where your pictures used to be. The cold bed that means nothing to me because YOU and YOUR blankets aren't there anymore.
I thought that not seeing you would make me miserable, and that this was the best choice, but knowing that you aren't waiting for me, that I won't come home and the first thing I do is hug you, is the worst fate I can imagine. I'd rather wait a thousand years for you, knowing that you were doing the same, than live through this hell.
But I know how great you are. You are literally the perfect woman. Perfect for not just me, but any man lucky enough to catch your eye.
So live your life. If you've found someone better than me, than PLEASE enjoy your life. I'd rather be a side note in your life than nothing at all, and if this is what it takes, I'm fine with it.
My one request is that he be better than me. You deserve the best man possible and anything less than what we had isn't deserving of you.
In the meantime, I'll be working. I'm going to become a better person, a person that can deserve you. I'm going to try and move on, but we'll see where life takes us. I'll always be waiting.
If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I'll wait for you this time.
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it's official, i'm an idiot.
i was too prideful or something. i mean i know i was hurt as hell, but jesus fucking christ.. what the hell is wrong with me? i should have dropped everything and taken him back right fucking then and there. the second i read this.
i'm a moron. i listened to my friends, i listened to people who don't really know me and kiefer. the only people who really know me and kiefer are ME AND KIEFER. i should have just listened to ME. i wanted him more than anything, but i didn't take him..? i have to be fucked up in the head or something. there's no other explanation, right?
then he tried again. and again.. really hard. he tried really hard. and what did i do? i hurt him. i denyed him. why? i'll never fucking know. what i do know: that will never happen again. and i'll be the one to put myself out there. yeah sure i did it the first time and got my heart handed back to me, but i did worse. i did worse.
so this time i'm going to put myseld out there, my whole self, everything i've got. we're fucking meant to be together. like duh. seriously who the fuck else would i ever want??? who the hell would want me more than him? nobody! we love each other. or at least i love him, i can't be certain that he loves me back, but i can hope. i stopped hoping because shit got bad, really bad, so i denyed all hope, i turned it away, that was my first mistake. with many after that.. but this time i will hope. i'll hope with everything i've got. what the hell do i have to lose?! seriously. i've already lost the love of my life, if i don't try to get him back now, i'll never have anything worth living for.
he was the reason i was always so happy. he was the reason i lived. he was the reason for hope. and i want my reason back.
no more waiting around for the right moment. no more fucking dilly dallying. no more selfishness. no more fear. i'm not afraid anymore. i am so sorry that i was afraid for so long. we've lost a year and a quarter and i'm not about to lose anymore time with you.
i hope you're still waiting for me, because i'm coming.