Like I said, my relationship with Ashley had taken a major nosedive after her runaway. Her sneaking out of the house and leaving for two weeks was a slap in the face. After I’d done my best to smooth things between her and Michael, after I'd gone out of my way and put my marriage in danger and convince him to send her to public school, this was how she repaid me? Listening to her bitch about Mike and me infuriated me, and it set my teeth on edge when she described how horrible her life was at home, as if she was Little Miss Innocent and had done nothing to alienate us. When the family underwent an investigation over Jason's so-called risky behavior, in which her worker scrutinized us like we were abusive parents, I just withered inside. And I wondered what else was up Ashley's sleeve.

So when Ashley went to New Hope, as bad as this sounds, if I'd never seen her again, I would've lived through it. I needed time to cool down from the cold fury inside me, with her out of the house, in a safe place and receiving counseling to discover why she acted like she did. I was working through my anger in my own way, by talking to Kerri Martin, but I just wanted some space between my daughter and me for the time being. I needed a time out, and I wasn’t going to get it with her at home.

Mike, however, had different views. Ashley’s attempting suicide scared him. We still didn't know at the time that the suicide attempt was a set-up, and Kerri warned Mike in no uncertain terms how close we had come to losing her. If he didn’t want a repeat of Ashley trying to kill herself, Kerri told him he needed to back off and love her for the person she was, not how good she was or how well she behaved. Parents are supposed to have unconditional love for their children, and Mike was acting as if he would only show her affection and approval if she pleased him.

Well, he listened to Kerri. He said he saw the error of his ways, and he didn’t want Ashley dead, especially if it was because of him. Mike made a true attempt to understand her and try to get along, and he promised that things would be different from now on. And Ashley, smart girl that she was, recognized the softening of his heart and took advantage.

She was sent down to New Hope on May 19, and right away, Ashley saw that she was in big trouble. This place was not the Hilton. I wasn’t even anything like San Ramon. It was the old county children’s shelter- an old, dumpy place full of out-of-control teens, some from very rough lifestyles who would just as soon steal you blind as smile at you. The staff was used to kids sobering up in a hurry and offering half-meant promises of good behavior. They didn’t listen to Ashley’s whines nor did they treat Ashley like some VIP. She would call us in tears, saying she was scared half to death, and the staff was as frightening as the kids in the place. She complained that New Hope was foul and filthy, and nobody was looking into her safety or administering her meds as ordered. It was just the type of talk which took advantage of Mike's sympathies, and when she appealed to her father, he hustled his butt to get her out of there as soon as possible. My peace lasted three days.

Of course, the only place she could go was home. So Mike made her promise a million things, discharged her from New Hope, and brought her home. To me. In hindsight, it was the worst thing he could’ve done. Because I was still angry and didn't want to deal with a child who'd caused all this trouble for everyone. I wanted to heal the pain Ash had caused the rest of the family- the younger kids and Jason who was having a very difficult time with whether he wanted to be anywhere around Ash because of her petty accusations. I could see immediately that she hadn't changed a bit. Ashley was smart and manipulative, Ashley was bored and connected. And Mike fell for it.

Ashley had completed up her 10th grade schooling while in the hospital, so she was left with lots of time on her hands at home for two weeks before the high school let out for the summer. This was not at all good, because idle hands are the devil’s playground, and she was very busy conjuring up ideas of freedom in her head. I’m sure it was obvious to her that she was not my favorite person, and we went out of our way to avoid each other. Mike was trying to find her a therapist to see, but Kerri Martin was willing to fill in for the short-term. Mike also pitched in to take her to the aftercare meetings at San Ramon which were standard for teenagers who had been hospitalized there.

Ashley seemed to enjoy the meetings, especially seeing other kids her age whom she'd become chummy with. What we didn’t know and wouldn’t find out until several months later was that Ashley’s sneaking out/runaway in March and April wasn’t a one-time event. We knew she wasn’t trustworthy, so Mike installed an alarm on her door (locking her in was both unsafe and illegal). But Ashley chafed at the restrictions and squawked that we were treating her like a prisoner, and Mike, who was trying to win her love and trust, fell for it. So most of the time we left the alarm off. She would later tell Mike that getting past me was easy, and he climbed all over me for allowing her to "walk right past me" while I was at the computer, doing laundry or working in the kitchen.

While on the run in April, Ashley had developed a very loyal group of friends who used drugs, and these kids were waiting to welcome her back into their fold as soon as she got home. And she knew other teens at San Ramon or found mutual friends of kids, and they helped her network too. Ashley continued to sneak out once or twice a week, going to parties and using or hiking over to her boyfriend, Herbie’s, house. And as she continued to use the drugs, her personal skills at maintaining her equilibrium started to crash. Ashley became paranoid, unable to cope and easily angered. In short, she was a walking time-bomb.

I think Ashley knew she wasn’t handling being out on her own well. She also saw that she wasn't going to be able to just pick up where she left off, and our strict rules irritated her. She wanted to be with friends so within a week of her release from New Hope she started begging to go back to San Ramon hospital. Of course, it was structured there, and she had daily visits with her psychiatrist, but since she was considered no longer a danger to herself, there was little anyone could do. So she stayed home, I tried to ignore her, she continued to connive and plot, and we made due.

****TTFN,

Julie