The kids splashed and played for an hour, and just as we were getting ready to go back to the campsite, here came Mike and Ashley in their swimsuits. I couldn’t believe me eyes! I bit back a very nasty retort as I gathered the little ones and headed back to the motorhome. Making a quick lunch and getting them back into clothes, I gathered all the laundry, kids’ gear, my stuff and dirty dishes and loaded it in the station wagon. The kids grumbled when I told them we were going home, but I’d had it. And we roared away leaving Mike and Ashley to take down, unplug, fold up and load.
By the time Mike and Ashley arrived several hours later, I’d bought McDonalds for the kids’ dinner and finished my part of the cleaning up. All that was required of me in the motorhome was to remove the perishable food we hadn’t used, and it could wait a day. I didn’t speak to either of them all night. From my bedroom I could hear Mike and Ashley laughing and talking.
Kerri came over to our house for our scheduled therapy the next morning. She began by asking about the movie situation, and since I’d already spoken to her by phone the Friday before, she mostly needed to hear Mike’s side of the story. But he didn’t remember it at all the way it happened. He claimed that, while Ashley had watched the Last Summer movies, he felt there had been no harm done and she deserved a little "encouragement" for what he felt was a better attitude and a willingness to try harder. Strange, but I saw neither. Then he went on to claim that when I phoned him three days earlier about Ashley missing school I had been hostile and aggressive in my approach. However, he did recall saying "butt out and shut up" to me.
We moved on to the camping trip, and I explained about the stolen money, Mike’s lack of enthusiasm for correcting her and how he and Ashley had totally ignored us all weekend. Kerri shot him a perplexed look and asked why he hadn’t disciplined her. He replied that he’d spoken to her about stealing, and I brought up the fact that if anything had been said, the message that was conveyed to me was that I had no right whatsoever to demand respect or responsibility from either of them.
Kerri concurred, patiently listing all the grievances that had been placed into discussion: a) Ashley finagled a way to watch movies that I’d clearly stated were forbidden in the house, b) she had missed school because Mike allowed her to stay up so late she was too tired to get up, c) she’d stolen money from me, and d) Mike had demonstrated that her feelings and wishes were more important than mine by refusing to let me take her to task for the missing money. Wouldn’t Mike, she asked, consider Ashley’s behavior outrageous?
"No", he replied. "My wife’s behavior is outrageous!"
The silence in our living room was total. Kerri looked at him curiously and asked how I was behaving outrageously.
Mike began unloading about how much strain he was under. He claimed I’d antagonized and needled Ashley, making it impossible for her to behave the way I expected her to, and then I blamed Mike for her wrong choices. He didn’t love our daughter more than me, as I charged, he just felt she needed a defender against my unending, harsh criticism. He didn’t feel comfortable leaving me alone with Ashley, and with the lack of sleep he was receiving by dozing at her doorway every night he was worn out.
Mike faulted me for the condition the family now found itself in- being told by everyone that Ashley leaving home was our only option. It was his opinion that if I had backed off early on and allowed him to work unimpeded, we would not be forced to send Ashley away. Between his constant worry over the way I used every opportunity to lash out at Ashley combined with financial pressure because he couldn’t work and support the family, he was thoroughly depressed. As if this wasn’t enough, Mike said emotionally, I had even used his emotional issues against him. He accused me of destroying our marriage and started to cry.
Kerri turned to me, and you could have sucked me through the floor. Telling her a little about the night we’d argued, I said I had in no way meant to imply that his being depressed was his fault. Kerri, her primary concern that neither of us hurts the other intentionally, asked if what I said could have been misunderstood, and I said yes. But, I told her, I’d already apologized several times, and what else was I supposed to do besides say I was sorry?
Mike agreed that I had apologized, but he made it sound as if he didn’t believe it. However, there were other things that worried him. Such as the proof he had that I’d been writing to the ex-boyfriend. Mike was talking about Jonathon, a man I'd met through our church youth group when I was 15 and he 17. While I'd had a major crush on him in high school, he was happily married to a very nice woman named Deborah, and they were perfectly matched as mates. I’d also grown up with her, and Deborah and I were probably better friends than I was with him. Besides, even though Jonathon and his wife only lived about 45 minutes from us, I'd had very infrequent contact with them over the years. But for the past several years Mike had been dropping innuendos about how much I wished I'd married Jonathon and his suspicions that I had been writing to him secretly.
As far as I was concerned, that was the last straw. No. I was not now nor had I ever carried on some kind of secret affair with this man. He was married, as was I. This had absolutely nothing to do with any part of our lives, and I resented being put in the position of having to defend myself over these obviously false charges. The problem at hand was Ashley, and the reason for the problem was that Mike was unwilling to make her mind and, instead, put unbearable pressure on me. Facing the huge possibility of her leaving for a treatment center in the not-too-distant future, he was striking out at me because he didn’t want her to leave, while I recognized it as the last and only chance she had to get better.