A few days after the movie incident, we received a very generous offer from the church youth leader, Marilyn. Because of Ashley’s flare-up, she was aware that the school authorities were breathing down our necks about her attire, and Marilyn volunteered to take her shopping. We simply couldn't afford to buy her more clothes, and Marilyn expressed an interest in doing something nice for the family. Ash said shopping with Mike or me made her really nervous, but I was worried about her ability to manipulate Marilyn and get her way, although I trusted the woman’s judgment. However, we discussed the situation, and she seemed to have a firm grasp of the wardrobe issue. She said she wanted to buy our daughter some modest outfits, some as a birthday gift, the others as an early reward for trying to get along with the family and do better in school. I agreed enthusiastically, thinking that if it worked it would be money well-spent.

They went out on a Thursday evening, and Marilyn made it a special time for Ashley. First they drove into the city and had dinner at a nice restaurant. Then they went to Nordstroms where Ashley selected 3 sweaters, all matching in design but in different pastel colors (thank God, no black!). She also bought a modest dress, blue jeans and a pair of gray slacks which coordinated with each of the sweaters. Marilyn splurged on candles, a bracelet and bath/beauty products. The coup de grace was an expensive black leather jacket which I know cost close to $200. But when I protested that she was spending way too much on our daughter, Marilyn waved me off dismissively. She had no children of her own to spend on, and she and her husband were financially comfortable. She wanted to do this for Ashley. We certainly couldn't afford to completely re-outfit our daughter, so I gratefully let her.

To be honest, I was close to giving up on Mike and Ashley. It was a no-win fight for me. Either I tried to parent our child, incurring the wrath of both of them, or I just allowed them to do whatever they wanted. Maybe this seems like a cop-out, but I only had a limited amount of energy, and there had to be some of me left over for the rest of the family. The playing favorites and special treatment routine was getting to me, and I couldn’t stand the disparity in which Mike acted towards our oldest compared to the smaller children. Ashley was obviously hostile and showed it every day in every way, and Mike never corrected her. He was just as unreachable. Anything that didn’t gibe with his preordained ideas of what was good for her, he wrote off, and it didn’t matter whose opinion it was. If Kerri made a suggestion, he was polite, pretending to consider it and then went about his own business. If I offered advice, he yelled at me.

It got to the point where we could hardly talk about Ash at all. Not all of this was Mike’s fault. Discussing her in front of everyone was out of the question and totally inappropriate. But it was even worse when we tried to confer confidentially. If something came up, Mike or I would give each other “the look”, meaning it was time to head for the bedroom. Once there, we had seconds before Ashley came looking for us, accusing us of talking about her behind her back, which she hated. We had no privacy, and I kept telling myself that maybe if we could’ve actually discussed the rights and wrongs of what she was doing, we might have worked something out together. But when you have a teenaged daughter who swears she’s the subject of your conversation, and she won’t let you have a moment’s privacy, it makes an unstable, impossible situation.

We were both exhausted beyond belief. Unfortunately, with his own depression, Mike was sleeping most of the time he was home, especially if Ash wasn't here. You would've thought we could figure out to talk about her while she was at school, but our timing was way off. It seemed as if we were being dragged down a path neither of us wanted to take but had no choice.

The other children reacted with dismay and confusion. Ryan was angry all the time, disdainful of how Ashley's behavior was an embarrassment to all of us but blaming me and his father for it. 4th grade Nicole and 2nd grade Andrew did what came naturally when their father ignored them- reverted to immature behavior and clung to me. The twins, Emily and Eric, who were now 4 seemed to rise above the garbage, but I was still in total charge of the family. And I was barely holding on with my fingernails, convinced that maybe I'd be better off as a single mother. At least I wouldn't have Mike breathing down my neck.