Michael and I just weren’t doing well. Ashley was a source of constant irritation, and as in most families in crisis, the worst started coming out. Mike couldn’t let go of the fact that Covington High was where Ashley met the people who gave her the drugs, nor that I had begged to send her there. It didn’t make any difference that there was no way I could’ve known beforehand that Ash would seek out pot-smoking kids to be friends with. It just mattered that she’d started using too, and in his mind that made me somewhat to blame.

I was a little put out by her behavior, and the way I saw her twist Mike around her finger irritated me. I mentioned once or twice to him that his coddling was not helping anything, but all he did was accuse me of being hostile. Almost overnight he began to turn very protective of Ashley, and it blinded him to what was actually happening in our lives. It wasn't just the pot, he began blaming me for her all of her ongoing problems. I guess that in his mind, I turned into the person she needed safekeeping from.

Mike and I started to see Kerri professionally in an attempt to work things out between us, and for me, therapy was a lifesaver. Kerri was very gentle and kind, and I connected with her. She made me feel safe, and I was able tell her about my struggles growing up and not feeling as if I belonged. How I'd vainly tried to win approval or even attention from my parents and what this had done to my self-image. How everything was competition with my sisters, Jamie and Karen, even for our parents’ love and attention.

For the first time I was able to explore how my background had shaped me. I had previously acknowledged that I came from a dysfunctional family of alcoholism, and I knew that watching my father emotionally abuse my mom had had a huge impact on me. But as I told Kerri about my marriage with Mike and how he wouldn’t respect me or even listen, she said something very interesting. "The lack of validation isn’t your problem to fix, Julie. It's Mike’s, because what he is doing is continuing the abuse you grew up with." It was very clear to her that Mike was using my fears and insecurities against me. And as I sat and listened, it was like a light going on in my head.

The problems with Ashley were being felt throughout the family. Even though Mike took over control of Ashley and monitoring her behavior, the stress felt like a full-time job for me. Cal and Luanne just seemed to hate her, and her accusations against Jason hadn’t helped matters any. The smaller children were afraid of the stranger who had moved into their big sister’s body, and they kept at arm’s length from her. Nobody ever knew whether she would be loving and sweet, ready to play and have fun with her siblings or angry, screechy and mean. And in the chaos of all our fighting, 19 year old Jason announced he couldn’t take it any more. He decided to move out of the house and in with Mike's parents, and I felt I was losing an ally.

On June 12 the family was at the ballpark during the last full weekend of softball. Ryan was scheduled to attend his team party after the games. Ashley asked to go, and we refused because it was Ryan’s team not hers, and she hadn't earned the right to go to a party. She had her eye on some of the cute boys on his team, and I realized right away what she was after. Ash's pleadings of "please, please, please" followed me all over the park, and people around us wondered what was going on. The entire episode was very embarrassing for us. We wouldn’t give in, and she returned home, angry and resentful, screaming at me, "It's not fair that I have assholes for parents."

The misbehavior started up again the following day when the family returned from church. We planned to take all the children, but Ryan had homework, so we let him stay home. We couldn’t trust Ashley by herself and made her attend with us, even though she's older than her brother. She felt this was unfair, and the resentment flared right up again. This worsened dramatically throughout the day, and we shipped the younger kids over to their grandparents in case the fight erupted further. And it did. Some ugly things were said by all, to all. By early evening, after a full-scale vocal storm among the three of us, Ashley was uncontrollable. She was threatening to jump out windows, and we had to summon the sheriff to constrain her. Back into the hospital she went.

This time she was sent to a place called Charleston Psychiatric Center. She must have gotten her hands on marijuana at the ballpark because she tested positive, and I knew exactly who gave it to her- one of the board member's kids. We were beginning to get an inkling that we were facing some serious drug and behavior problems with our oldest daughter.

At an in-hospital family therapy session with Ashley the next day, it was clear that she still wasn’t addressing her issues. Arms folded across her chest, face turned away from us and only answering in grunts when she had no choice, she was behaving just like she was back in San Ramon. Ashley was hostile and proceeded to dive right into the blame game. Until she learned to assume some responsibility for the way she acted, she would never get better. Unfortunately, the entire family was going to have to suffer along with her.

****TTFN,

Julie