Unfortunately, that wasn’t the last of the problems from the ordeal. The next morning when Ashley got up for school she had a black and blue mark on her cheek from striking her face against the bed. A few hours later I received a telephone call from Bart, her Oakside counselor, asking how she came to be bruised. I related the tale of events leading to Ashley’s anger flare-up the night before, including Mike’s take down when she slammed her face into the bed. Bart said that, as a mandated reporter, it was his job to notify authorities about a possible case of child abuse. Oh, good grief.

A couple of days later a CPS social worker named Lachae Crisp came out to visit us. She had already spoken to Ashley at school, and now she wanted to hear our side of the story. Mike went into a lengthy recitation, starting with the shopping trip to the mall and the probable shoplifting. I added the parts I was familiar with- how Ash had proceeded to kick and scream after their arrival home until she physically attacked Mike and our previous experiences with her acting out violently. When we finished, Lachae said our stories matched. Luckily for us, Ashley had been honest with the caseworker and told her that she was the one to lose control. She also described in detail how she hurt herself and made it clear that neither Mike nor I had struck her

Lachae did ask Mike about the take down technique, and he responded that he’d learned it from the parenting seminar on how to control defiant teens. He produced a file detailing all of her hospitalizations and IEP correspondence as well as statements taken from the park ranger and eyewitnesses on the date of her first violent altercation. Thank God for his thoroughness. Lachae seemed satisfied that Ashley’s injury was an accident. As she stood to leave, she got a thoughtful look on her face. “I don’t want to see the two of you get into trouble over your daughter,” she said. “But often my experience is that once a child decides there’s nothing to lose, he or she can be quite vindictive. You were foster parents. You know what children, especially teens, are capable of.” She ended up warning us that we could be in danger of having abuse charges filed against us again if Ashley ever decided to pay us back for our tough-love parenting. She said she’d make a note in her file to that extent for future reference.

Several nights later I was sitting at my computer after dinner. Ashley’s birthday is on October 8, and she was gearing up to turn 16. Sweet 16 and never been…- well, never mind. So Ashley was talking about fun things she wanted to do on her birthday. Mike had already promised her a party for her and some friends the weekend after the 8th, but these were plans for the actual birthday. To be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention because I knew Mike would handle it.

Ash has a love for scary slasher flicks, and the gorier they are the better. I hate them passionately and will not allow them in the house. Not only for myself, but I don’t like the younger children watching movies which are going to give them nightmares. Nevertheless it didn’t stop Ashley from wanting to see them and trying to wheedle her way into having Mike rent them for her.

He was in the family room around the corner watching tv with Ashley. She came out to me and started talking about what she wanted to do on her birthday, which was renting movies- Psycho, The Exorcist, Friday the 13th, and I said no. Very calm, I’m working on the computer, and I just stated a flat no. She asked why, and even though I didn’t have to tell her, I gave her my reasons- bad movies, I didn’t want the little kids accidentally seeing them, she didn’t need that kind of intensity on top of her own stuff going on. I told her that I did not want scary, gory murder movies in my house.

As we all know, Ashley doesn’t take “no” for an answer. She kept suggesting movie titles, and to me, each one is as bad as the next, so I rejected them all. Seeing that she wasn’t getting anywhere with just asking, she started to beg. And I’m trying to keep cool, but I’ve already given my answer, and no amount of pleading was going to make me change my mind. Then she noticed that the begging wasn’t having any effect, so she started accusing me of having an ulterior motive.

I’m thinking how Mike doesn’t want me provoking Ashley, but look here. I’m minding my own business, and she is the one doing the provoking. I got up to take some dishes into the kitchen and finish the clean-up from dinner, and I’m pretty much trying to ignore my daughter. She followed me, still harping on the movies she wants to watch, her voice becoming louder and more insistent. Mike was glancing back and forth between the tv and us, so I know he saw what was going on. He had to have noticed that I was doing my best to ignore Ashley. And he’s just sitting there, not doing anything. Like he’s made of stone.

I just burned inside over how Mike wouldn’t put a stop to her behavior and defend me, but at the same time I couldn’t express it. I really didn’t want my reaction to goad Ashley into becoming more angered, getting so riled up that she started kicking or something. So I decided if she wasn't going to let up and Mike wasn’t going to intervene, I could remove myself from the situation. I grabbed my purse and said I had to get out of the house.

I went to Walmart to shop for an hour and gradually calmed down. It was way past bedtime when I arrived home so I didn't have to worry about confronting Ashley. But as it turned out, she wasn't the problem. Mike was! You know what he said when I walked in? He accused me of starting the fight. As if I was picking on "innocent" Ashley, and it was my fault that she was following me around and begging to see movies. Well who wasn’t leaving who alone?

I've never said our little girl is stupid. Ashley had noticed the one-upmanship and was starting to pick up on the confrontation crap and use it against me. And again, it didn't seem to make a damned bit of difference what the truth was. Somehow it all boiled down to being my fault.

****TTFN,

Julie