Ashley came home from school, and I asked if I could take her to Aftercare. She looked at me quizically but didn’t argue and said it sounded like a good idea. She wanted to tell me some stuff and felt that it was better said away from the house.
I presented wanting to take Ashley to Mike, and after a bit of surprise, he reluctantly agreed. He didn’t say much and moped around the house all afternoon, depressed. In fact, his behavior was exceptional in that he locked himself in his office and stayed there after Ashley’s return from school. He was profoundly depressed, and since he rebuffed all offers of help there was nothing I could do about it.
I was apprehensive leaving for Charleston that evening, mostly because my daughter and I hadn’t been completely alone for months, and I wasn’t sure if she would behave. But getting away from the house together seemed to calm Ashley, and we settled into our familiar relationship of many months back. Once we were on the freeway she began to speak. Had I noticed anything weird going on with Dad, she asked. His depression was the most noticeable problem, I answered, and he was becoming despondent over her lack of progress. She nodded and said she had a lot to tell me- some of it might be difficult to hear, but it was important that I know. She also wanted to talk to a woman at the hospital who helped run the program and get some advice.
We drove to the hospital, and I met Jay McClure, the teen therapy administrator, for the first time. Right away I liked him, and as the meeting progressed, I could see his zeal for reaching addicted teens. I found him easy to talk to and trust.
Ashley joined me after pulling the other leader aside, and we listened to a very enjoyable meeting. She seemed to know so many of the other kids- I recognized names of teenagers Mike had described from his participation, and I introduced myself to some of their parents.
After the meeting Ashley and I went out to eat at Del Taco. Our awkwardness disappeared as we began talking and seeing each other’s point of view in the past months’ troubles. Without Mike’s interference, conversation flowed freely. Ashley learned how, despite her recent behavior which confused and angered me, I really did love her, and it was my concern over her welfare which caused me to react as I did. I learned how Ashley had wanted to reconcile with me all summer, but at every turn Mike had talked her out of it. And as we sat face to face discussing this issue, we realized that all along he had been in the background separating us, playing both sides and thereby sewing seeds of mistrust.
Ashley went on to illustrate her version of the downward spiral of the family. Yes, she realized that she had contributed to many of the problems and knew she was out of control. In her way of thinking, leaving home to go into treatment seemed like the best solution, maybe the only one. She understood Dad’s reluctance to let her go, but she also felt that he was too attached to her. It was as if his whole existence was wrapped up in her, and she felt stifled.
Did I know, Ashley asked, that Dad had pictures of naked actresses and models (naming names) on his computer? I feigned innocence, and she was quick to point out that he hadn’t shown them to her, but she knew what was there. We talked about the freaky photos he’d taken, such as the one of her smoking which he used as a screen-saver, and she mentioned how "funny" it felt when he asked to photograph her. She told me that Mike had talked to her about our marriage and love-life, and I was shocked at the intimate details he had provided- stuff he had no business sharing with a teenage daughter. She asked me about the high school boyfriend Mike kept mentioning, and I told her the true story- I was no longer infatuated with him, and I had no idea why Mike was so hung up over an ex of mine that went back so many years. And was I aware, she questioned, that Mike kept three or four knives in various places in his office and had spoken to her about his wish to kill himself? This last was news.
My mind was whirling. The time Ashley and Mike spent together down in his office, the attempt to insulate her from others, the smoking and unique treatment all were starting to make true sense. Mike was seriously ill, and intervention was immediately needed. His depression and desperation to make her well seemed to have warped his judgment, and it seemed that maybe he was going overboard in trying to make her well. It was almost as if he had become more of Ashley’s peer than her father, and I wondered where he would consider the right place to draw a line between appropriate and inappropriate conversation with a teenage daughter. I felt betrayed by his lack of understanding for both Ashley and me.
Ashley seemed to want to share more but drew back. I felt a little overwhelmed, and maybe she figured I’d heard enough for one night. She was probably right. Neither of us wanted to go home, but after an hour and a half, it was time to leave.
****TTFN,
Julie