well, now that miriah and i broke up and now argue alot i hurt even more. some times we dont understand eachother and im not completly honest with her saying its ok and all that; that i say. when its not im not ok by no means. i miss her so much. but i dont deserve her. but i feel i need to have her as a friend. i need some part of her in my life may not be the one i want but it works and makes me happy. i was glad she was trying ot be my friend i was just an emotional wreck. i still am. at least she has someone who understands her and knows what he has to do when he has to do it unlike me.. im sorry if i made her and all her friends upset about it all. im just surrounded in guilt for not doing what i should have. and yess im admiting pretty much all of it is my fault. and yes i said things i dont mean today cuz i didnt know wether to be angry or upset or what. because as i always do i was saying it wasnt my fault, and blaming other ppl. but im trying to be a man take the responsability for what happened. i should have known not to rush into things with her because she still had feelings for rick. but i didnt, because i get i guess kinda selfish and dont think about that stuff. but it felt so great to have her by my side and there when i need her. it still feels like when i need comforting or talking to i will be able to go to her when i need. may not happen right now because i have made her so upset and didnt mean to at all. but it happened and now i cant give enough sorries for it because it was so wrong and stupid of me. i have the up most respect for her and rick. yes i have said many times i dont like him. but he makes her happy. getting to know how he is around her and is about her, just changed my opinion. because he is better for her than me. im just a guy that thought he could be there and give enough but couldnt.... im in so much doubt right now its insane. i jsut hope she understands what im saying and forgives me for the bullshit i put her through. i really do care about her. and want her as a friend if its at all possible. i may not deserve it, but i want it so much..... i need to go. later mike