Slowly falling out of love with the person I thought was my person has got to be the most heartbroken I've ever felt. After eight years, I'm not sure where or how to restart.

The Format is getting back together for a few shows and one of said shows requires only a short trip from St. Louis to Chicago. I am ridiculously happy and excited and it's bringing about all kind of nostalgia. A very important person in my younger life introduced me to them. I fell in love with them as my young heart fell in what I knew to be love with him. I believed I related to some of their more angsty lyrics about drugs and alcohol and suicide (I didn't). I now relate to their lyrics about moving on and loving friends and loving life and dealing with bullshit (I do). One of my first concerts was The Format. My first tattoo was Format lyrics. David calls their music "too hipster-dipster" for his liking. Everyone has their flaws. They broke up 12 years ago and my 21-year-old heart was shattered. But now they're back. And my best friends in Wisconsin and I are going to see them again. And I'm so happy. Thanks again, Nick.

1. We vacationed in Oregon for 10 days and now we’re planning on moving there. 2. Our pug got a skin infection while we were away and now she’s wearing a cone and it’s just about the cutest thing ever. 3. I turned 32.

Hey man. I can't think of a better way to reply to you since everything seems inactive. I stop by here every once in a while. Nostalgia is a cruel temptress. And you're right. Nothing is the same, which I think I'm ok with. I really hope you're doing well. Take care

It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success. I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses. Kate

So I just spent the last few hours reading nearly all of my melodramatic teenager ramblings that I posted here years and years ago. Jesus. If I were to meet past me now, present me would be pretty damn grumpy. I don't know why I'm even here. I guess I sort of assume that everyone I used to know also wanders aimlessly around an online diary they had almost a decade ago (or however long). That, and I just so happen to have remembered my old, celebrity crush-inspired password for this thing. Anyway I'm old now. Almost 30. Working at a bakery. Graduate school-bound. I have a pug and a cat and a boyfriend-going-on-fiance and a cool St. Louis apartment and a fridge full of Bud Light and two TV's in the living room because said boyfriend and I want to ignore each other in the same room while playing different video games. Oh, there's also a pine tree candle burning. I hope all of you are doing well. See you in another five years or so when I'm again trying to find things to do other than write a paper. Me and my Sophie-pug.

I should have never looked.

I went for a walk. For the first time in days, the Oregon coast weather has permitted me to do so without ending up soaked or pelted with hail. I probably would've walked anyway. I wanted some egg rolls from the little market on the beach down the road and I had no gas in my car. Anyway, I went for a walk. I got to the beach and saw a small group of people, seemingly all from the same family due to their matching baseball caps, staring up at the sky while "ooh"ing and "aah"ing. *SNAP* Multiple camera flashes. There's a bald eagle flying around. Cool. Really, I mean. Bald eagles are cool. Whatever. They're big. And.. I dunno. Neat. *SNAP* *SNAP* (knowing [or not knowing] my lack of memory of social interactions, the following conversations are obviously partially fabricated, but based on the bits I do recall.) "Do you see it?! Isn't it WO~~Nderful?!!!" *SNAP* *Stare* Oops, she's talking to me. "Yeah, they're real cool. We see them every once in a while." "You live here? How LUCKY for yo~~~u! You must have so many nice pictures!" "Oooooh!" *SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP* *Smile and stare* "Honestly, I really don't..." *Just stare* "...I only have my phone, which isn't any good for taking far away pictures." "...How can you not have any pictures? These birds are such graceful and amazing and wonderful and lovable and beautiful and OMGI<3BALDEAGLES and fantastic AMERICAN icons!" *SNAP* "Well, I.." "If anything, this should be a reason you should BUY a camera!" *SNAP* "I don't..." "Did you hear this everyone?? She lives here and has no pictures of a bald eagle that's ALWAYS here!" Seven "WHAT?!"s. *SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP* "WE'RE TRUE AMERICANS!" *SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP* "I'm going to go get my egg rolls. And you're driving a Toyota."

I made a mistake today. A really, really awful one. In other news, I've received word from my professor via email that my final essay was "near perfect", the only flaw in it being a lengthy paragraph that needs to be split in two. She's going to [edit: try to] have it published. I suppose this means starting an essay at 12:00 am the night/early morning before the essay is due works well for me. In other news, the passive-aggressive man of the house that I like to call "Dad" is waging a silent war with me for hot water in the mornings. The only thing worse than having to get up at 6 am for shitty retail work is having to get up at 6 am and take a freezing cold shower before going to shitty retail work. In other news, I've decided that I want to work for the CDC. A friend has connections in the infectious disease research department. Right up my alley! And Atlanta seems nice. I've heard the aquarium there is fantastic. Plus, Donato lives in Savannah and we can go ghost-hunting together when I have free time to visit. In other news, I'd probably miss Portland too much, though. And I've already become an avid OSU fan. GO BEAVS! I suppose I've got another few years worth of school to figure it out. I don't know how to make this right.

Because I've never been one to come up with my own ideas, really. I used to silently chastise myself whenever I stayed up until the sun came up. Especially in the winter, when the sun rose the latest. Through my basement bedroom window, I would just barely see the sunlight through the thick line of trees along the property line. Then, for the first time since midnight, I'd glance at the clock, realize I had to be to my hotel housekeeping job in just a matter of hours, say goodnight(morning) to the man I had been talking to all night via Yahoo Messenger, and fall asleep on my uncomfortable futon. I couldn't sleep without the same two albums playing randomly and continuously, with Windows Media Player displaying those colorful lines and blobs that were supposedly moving to the music being played. I was in love with him. I was so in love with this man. So much so that I didn't care how horridly tired I'd always be. I had graduated a semester early from high school, though nearly failed my AP World Literature class because of a combination of sleep deprivation and distraction. So in love with him. And for what? What did we even talk about? At first it was it was about the tumultuous relationship he was already in. He successfully made me hate a woman I didn't even know. I'd talk about my best friends. About how one had a house just up the hill and we could see each other's bedroom lights on, or at least the computer screens. She always knew what I was doing. The closest we ever came to a date was choosing a movie to watch at the same time, while eating food from the same restaurant. I got a small strawberry cheesequake blizzard from Dairy Queen, he a large. We watched some of Big Fish. I had to go because using the upstairs computer meant common interruptions from family. My dad had magically disconnected all phone lines (an thus internet. dial-up what what) from the basement for the very reason I was on the one upstairs. I had a cell phone. One of those big, clunky Nokia ones that you could change the faceplate and button colors on. I had transparent neon green with red buttons. But, I was too scared and nervous to ever really speak with him. So for what was this all for, really? Playing online word games together and the, eventually, frequent suggestively-themed chat sessions? Jesus. Fuck that. But I was young and I loved him. I got sick. I blamed him when I was mad at him. He blamed himself when he was being melodramatic. Truth is, I just got sick. Blood issues. Vitamin deficiency issues. Ex-boyfriend issues. Everything sort of fell apart after I stood up from sitting at the computer to open my bedroom door for my mom when she knocked at it. I got as far as opening the door and hearing her ask what kind of sub I wanted from Subway before I fainted, fell backward, and got a nasty cut on my shoulder and bump on my head from the entertainment center that had gotten in the way of a smooth landing. I blamed him. He blamed himself. It would end in a flash. Or, really, multiple flashes. A tug-o-war. First one pull "We shouldn't do this" and "You should be happier." Then the opposite pull "I miss you" and "I can't not talk to you." Shit. That's awful. The last time we said goodbye came right around the time I was moving to the Oregon coast. I was leaving the day after my graduation ceremony and four days before my 18th birthday. Seriously. Still a dick move, Dad, but I forgive you for taking away my chance to buy lottery tickets and cigarettes with my real-life friends. My brother took the time to print out label stickers for the boxes. While some of mine said "clothes" or "video games, music, etc.", after the first half-dozen well-organized ones, my ability to give a shit faltered. The rest were labeled "stuff" and were haphazardly filled with the contents of my dresser drawers. Some boxes were filled with stacks of papers that could've been mostly recycled, but I found it was easier to ship them off to be left forgotten in new house's basement storage space. (Yes, they're still there, and probably moldy because that's how Oregon works.) A friend helped me pack a little bit. Sometimes she'd be using my computer to talk to him. They were friends, I guess. More like she spied on us. Or I used her to spy on him when he would talk to her and not me. God. I still listen to music before and after I go to sleep at 4 a.m., but usually only after a long ffxiii session or night of post-procrastination essay writing. After all, I'm an adult now.

It did! It was awful. There's always a certain time of year when the ocean blows in the absolutely worst-smelling sea air. Like dead fish and vomit and hot dogs. It's beginning to be an odd Fall on the coast here. It's unseasonably warm, and insanely windy. I can hear the waves at night crashing into one another. In fact, when I was driving through Depoe Bay, there's a bridge where locals and tourists alike will gather to whale-watch. You know those log rides at water parks, where after you get off, you can walk across a little bridge that's right above where the log comes down and makes a huge wave and you get soaked? It was like that. Picture, picture, picture... Ah! It was great. I have homework!! After years and years of none, I finally have homework. Be proud. Bye.

So, yeah, doin' college stuff. Well, preparing at least. I don't start until Tuesday. But I went out supply shopping. Are notecards used in college? Preferably the 5-colored 100-pack? They were on sale. I figured I could find some use for them. Yeah. First big step toward medical school. Colorful notecards. Today is the first day of my staycation. Stay, since I was supposed to go to Savannah for a week, but realized I was poor and missing the first two classes would be frowned upon. All's well, though. I can use that $300-some I would've spent on the ticket to pay off .01% of the school loans I'll inevitably have once I'm done with school. At around age 40. Lofty goals, sure. Lofty, super-rich, luxurious hopes. Oh, and I'm getting a tattoo. "WHAAAT???" I know, right? I couldn't believe it, either. Also, Lucas is coming home. So sudden Bed.

Yes, that really is a question I was asked. And yes, she was serious. I also have that old Pepsi commercial song stuck in my head... "bah bah ba-ba-baaah, bah bah ba-ba-baaahh." You know, that one. (the last ten seconds, really) But now I'm thirsty for Coke.

Apparently I have an error in my SQL syntax that doesn't allow me to change my age to 23 or my profile to now say "I'm 23" Short story shorter, I'm 23 now. I feel ancient. And yes, I haven't been here in nearly two months. I have no excuse other than whenever I sit down at my parent's computer, I honestly don't feel like typing about what I've been doing for the past month or so. I took another trip to Wisconsin the week before my birthday. It was amazing! I love my friends so much it pains me to be here. I honestly couldn't ask for better friends. Turning 23 went by unceremoniously. It landed on father's day, so I ended up sharing it with my dad, my uncle and my grandfather. The latter of the two not even knowing it was my birthday in the first place. I can't complain, though. It was an amazing dinner. Scallops, lobster tails, prime rib, huge salad and tons of bread and baked potatoes. Very tasty. I ended up having to work that day because a girl I work with got so upset with her live-in boyfriend that she punch her wall a few times, seriously hurting her hand and unable to work. Apparently. Then it was July. The fourth was my brother's birthday and I gave him a call and found out that he's moving to the east coast. Sort of really lame, but I'm trying to be supportive. I then found out that OIT had messed up my scholarship and grant paperwork somehow and I'm no longer enrolled for the nuclear medicine tech. program. Now, if I wish to go, I have to wait until the 2011-12 term. I'll be fucking 25. Boo. Also, my dad up and decided to quit his job and turn in his real estate license. He now works as a consult. Basically, doing all the shitty parts of his job (phone calls, faxes, preparing paperwork etc.) and not getting paid for it. Things are all up in the air now. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen. BTW, new haircut: I told the hair-cutting lady that I wanted it shoulder-length lololol Oh well. It turned out pretty rad anyway.

it seems that any sort of relationship that may have been forming with lucas has ended just as quickly as it started. however! it was my choice. portland is too far from the coast to be able to casually date someone. we'd have to plan it out and make a day out of it. even then, the chances of his unpredictably, ever-changing schedule ruining any plans that are made is quite high. there can be no "let's get coffee" or "see you after work" or anything like that. ah well. i'm not desperate to be with someone. i have too much going on. like.. hm. well, my brother's birthday is coming up. my parents want to buy him a laptop because he's moving out of his current house (and away from the roommate that owned the sole computer). so, i've been up for the past couple hours doing amateurish research. a.k.a. finding the cheapest laptop. and that's also a lie. i've also been feeding my facebook addiction and eating sourz candy for the past couple hours. mmmm ---- i had a strange dream last night. it was really unsettling, though i don't really think it can be considered a nightmare. i typically don't remember my dreams, but i know that in the few that i do, the people and places are altered. though in my dream i could know a person is, say, my next door neighbor, once i wake up i realize that the person in my dream looked nothing like the real thing. same goes for places. however, in this last dream, everything was how it should be. i don't know if that means anything or not. anyway. to make a long story short in my dream, there was some sort of virus? plague? biochemical weapon? that was slowly spreading and causing people to lose their memory.. selectively, i suppose. people were forgetting people. anyone that was involved with their life. everyone seemed to carry on with all other daily responsibilities, just suddenly not knowing anyone anymore. i'm basically in a panic throughout my entire dream. it ends with me and my friend matt going to a beach in wisconsin that was somewhat meaningful to us in order to try to keep our memories of each other. i remember realizing that whatever it was that was making everyone forget had gotten to us. i hunched into a ball and cried and grabbed matt's hand and kept yelling his name until i heard him ask what i was doing. i told him that i thought it would help me to not forget him. he then said he didn't understand what i was talking about because he didn't know who i was. and that was basically the end. sort of sad. i don't really know what to think of it. i'm not particularly worried about my friends forgetting about me. i didn't really make that long story short. more like i made a much longer story into a long story. oops. i'm going to bed now. tomorrow is my day off! !!! the music store moved into the mall where my full-time job is located. makes things pretty convenient work-wise. also, operation: get-max-to-freaking-like-me is back on. really. bed. now.

It's gotten to be that time of year when, for reasons that are beyond me, the frogs in the area migrate from one side of the highway to the other. Unfortunately, the street I live on runs parallel to the highway and crossing it is also part of their course. I'm tempted to park my car at the very end of the road, just off of HWY 101, so I can evade the frogslaughter I commit at least twice a day. The most I can do is scream and turn up my radio/ipod/cd player while avoiding any direct glances at the road. Fortunately it's only about 50 feet. And to make it worse, these aren't just regular frogs. No, these are a protected species. Although they are on the "Least Concerned" level, I'm sure if the number of frogs that have fallen victim to my commuting were to be reported, I'd be locked away for life. --- Had another nice date with Lucas. Things seem to be progressing quite well. However, I can't tell if I just have my walls up and I'm being overly-suspicious or if something just doesn't seem right.. I just can't tell. Ack. Saw Star Trek today (technically yesterday, nightowls) and enjoyed it a lot! Simon Pegg makes my heart race a bit mmm.. SD shout-outs! (though I think only one person reads this anymore) minusthemodestmouse: If you are still around, hope you're well. I don't have any other well of telling you, so I do hope you see this. I miss your comments! and dandelion: You're fantastic, dear. --- Time for bed, I suppose. Or at least going to my room instead of on the computer. To play piano or DS or read or sleep. Goodnight

A month! I remember the days when I couldn't stay away from here for longer than a few hours at a time. What.. five years ago? Sheesh. Anyway On to my excuses. Just as I was feeling better from the Flu, I contracted some other kind of hideous disease. A lesson to all: Do not get Strep, Tonsillitis, and Bronchitis all at the same time. It'll probably be one of the worst things you'll ever endure. It took over my life for the better part of three weeks. I'm feeling loads better now (YAY! I can eat again!) thought I'm still taking many antibiotics and some pain meds. Just in case. Other than that, I've just been working quite a bit. Things with Max are not improving and I know I've never mentioned him before. Maybe just to Lucy/[dandelion]. The ridiculously cute Brand New fan. He now brings me pizza slices from his other job, yet I have yet to be deemed hang-outable. Easter was surprisingly enjoyable. I usually get pretty nervous around my father's family, but I had a really good time. We went to brunch at a ritzy restaurant in downtown Portland. My aunt knew the owner; a tall, mysterious-looking Persian man. Ridiculously good food. Crab cakes and eggs benedict and a man in the corner making omelets. And the desert table? I absolutely died. Chocolate-covered strawberries and cherries and baklava and tiramisu. Mmmm.. Five hugs and three cheek-kisses from the mysterious Persian man later, we left and went to Powell's bookstore downtown. I could live there. That store is amazing. I think I spent about $70 there. And freaking cute-book-reading-boys galore. Later that night, we had dinner at my aunt and uncle's home. Dinner was fantastic, of course. I'm at that age now where I fit in with the adult conversation going around the table. Before I had realized it, my cousins had made an escape upstairs. Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I'm just not ready to sit and chit-chat about what trees are best to be planted in the front yard or plumbing problems or retirement. I'm not and adult. So instead, I went upstairs to play table tennis and Guitar Hero with my cousins Tristan and Jordan and their friends Cole and [forget-your-name]. Last night I went to the casino with Corby, Deena,Maryellen and Selena. Met up later with Corby's Nike co-workers Paul, Casey, Kyle and Kyle's girlfriend. Spent most of the night in the bar while watching everyone else (except Corby, really) dance. I don't dance. It's not good for the uncoordinated and easily-embarrassed. Afterward, I blew $20 on video slots. I'm lame. This is stupid-long now. I'm not waiting another month to update again. Yuck.

..I really can't think of a time I've felt this sick. It's as if the plague I had last week was just a small taste of what was to come. Ugh. Yay for laptops and lying in bed. Boo for being sent home from work and the inevitable horrible paycheck next week. Not to be gross (((but really, who gives a hoot?) hoot.. haha) there was an owl keeping me up last night, too) I think I've vomited more times today and yesterday than I have in the entire 22 years I've been alive before these two days. I hate being sick. Especially when I had plans made. Also, William now thinks I've been ignoring him like a bitch when, in fact, I've just been too tired or too puking all over the place to get in contact with him. Blaarrrgg. Long, venting entries do help a bit. Whining does help, too. You know how when you have the flu your muscles ache? I have the common ones.. like my shoulders and knees and neck and all. But my jaw hurts real bad and wtf, my tongue? It's weird. Strange places hurt. My eye sockets. My knee caps. My toes.

The best part of my day at work came in the form of a Canadian customer. Sure, we see a lot of them around here. Mostly on the weekends. But this one was different. Most of the time they'll have a slight English or French accent, which (don't get me wrong) is fantastic! But! Not only did she say "Hoser" more than once, she said "Zed" when telling me her postal code. "Zed" makes "Zee" seem so boring. That's how I'll spell my last name from now on.. "Emm, Eee, Zed, Zed..." Not only that, she had the whole over-accentuated vowel thing going on and the "Eh?" at the end of just about every sentence. It was wonderful and I couldn't help but giggle when she wasn't looking. After she left I asked, "Wasn't her accent great?" "What accent?" Really? You're kidding. Really? I'm still laughed at for how I say "bag." I guess Midwest accents are funnier than Canadian ones. :/

I fucking got accepted! Nuclear Medicine Technology: The responsibilities of an NMT are varied and can include performing radiation safety and quality control procedures; preparing and administering radiopharmaceuticals; operating nuclear medicine instruments; positioning patients for imaging procedures; collecting, preparing and analyzing biologic specimens; and preparing data for interpretation. I'm trying to convince my friend Matt to go into it with me. Katie: nuclear medicine technology.. do it Matt: what is it? Katie: we can take the same inject-people-with-radioactive-stuff classes Matt: i like the sound of that Matt: injecting people with radiation sounds like a good time Katie: i expect it will be Matt: aww, so we have to treat cancer patients? :(:( Katie: not always. it's medical imaging for all sorts of stuff. like "take this pill so we can see your kidney stones!" or something Matt: KIDEY STONES!! Matt: Kidey? Katie: "I'm sorry.. what we thought were kidney stones.. are actually KIDEY STONES!!!" Matt: "We're not sure what they are yet. Just that you have them. You may turn into a child." Katie: "...or a cat-like golem creature." Matt: "You may disappear entirely. We just. Don't. Know." Katie: "You could develop super-human abilities like flying or laser-eyes or telekinesis.." Katie: "We just can't give you a straight answer. We have no idea." Matt: "We're actually going to leave. You frighten us to be honest." Katie: "Please try not to break anything or set things on fire with your eyes on your way out. And please don't forget to pay your bill at reception." Katie: "...Weirdo." We'd make good doctors.