I am bleeding through my bandaids. I called my therapist to reschedule my first ever appointment that my parents made because I have an eating disorder and they think I need help. I called her and left this long-winded, long-stated, all-over-the-place message on her answering machine, so now she thinks I'm insane without even talking to me. And when I was done with that, I sat on the grass outside of my mom's work, on a playground meant for kindergarten kids, and cut my side with scissors, then locked myself in the faculty bathroom and cut myself again and again and again. And now I am bleeding through my bandaids and freaking out a little because I have never been more empassioned about anything than I am when I'm carving lines into my skin or when I'm starving myself or when I'm spilling the contents of my stomach inside a perfect porcelain bowl. Welcome back.

Current Weight Your weight is 114 lb as of 04/17/2007. Weight Goal Your goal is to weigh 98 lb by 06/23/2007 Goal Progress You are currently 16 lb above the target weight. The deadline for your goal is 67 days (9 weeks, 4 days) away. To meet your goal you need to lose about 1.67 lb per week

Note: This was written on the 6th of April. You asked me out a few minutes after midnight on Sunday morning. You, the boy with the beautiful hipbones and the iceblue eyes, who I've been trying to avoid for the last year because I'm so attached to... we were sitting in his car making out in my driveway and it was late and my contacts were drying out and I couldn't see the lights but I could see the haze around them, and we broke off and I sat there with my eyes shut and my lips pressed tightly together and you said, "Jenn?" and I said, "Yeah?" and you said, "Do you want to go out with me?" And I was so taken off guard, because I was tired and you had been upset that whole day, and I was trying to think of all the signs that I must have missed that pointed to the thought of you asking me this question that day of all days [such as holding my hand during the entire 2-hour movie, such as putting your arm around me, such as everything] so I just responded with, "Okay", and then there was silence. "'Okay'?!" you asked. "God, you're adorable." So now I have a boyfriend, and it's terrifying, but even worse is that I've been gone from home THIS ENTIRE WEEK. My parents are food-Nazis, and I don't have a scale, and as a result, I rushed to my aunt's scale the second we got to her house in Wisconsin to find that I've gained 4.5 pounds since I last checked on Sunday. I wanted to cry. And that's when I faced the truth. I've been waiting for this relationship for a year and a half. Every song makes me think about you, every syllable of every word. I can't breathe when you kiss me. But I'd give up everything I have with you right now for a chance to be thin. There is something seriously wrong with me, and I don't think I could live my life any other way.

Ryan thinks you're taking me to Prom. He asked me last night what I would think of going to Prom with you. What would I think of it? Well, now, I think that Ryan's going crazy, because the Prom is in June, and it's March, and we've kissed twice but we're still not going out, so what's the point of it all? Why bother asking me now, when we aren't going to have anything in June? But that's not what I told him. I realized that the way things work with you and your friends is that your friends suggest something to you and you shrug it off. And then they suggest it again, and again, and again, and in the end, maybe you don't end up doing what they told you to, but you end up going on the path towards doing it. So I told Ryan that I'd be pleasantly surprised if you asked me, adding that I don't expect it nor am I planning for it, and he asked me what my parents would think. I didn't tell him my father thinks I'm too good for you, like you're some sort of community college that I'm thinking of applying to. Too good? In a sense of character, in a sense of 'deserving' someone, then no, I'm not too good for you at all, and I don't think there are too many people that anyone is 'too good' for. He thinks you're a slacker, says that you're rubbing off on me, says that he doesn't want me spending time with you. He'd hate the idea of us at Prom just as much as he hates the idea of you and I as an "us" in any situation, but he'd deal, wouldn't he? Listen to me. I've turned into a freak.

Paul tried to tell me he liked me today, but I ignored him. I can't say no to people, and I know I have to, because I'm so caught up in everything that's you, it's impossible to imagine myself with anyone else right now. Not that I can imagine myself with you, but I suppose that's another story entirely, isn't it? My self-confidence issues and problems with prudeness are things you don't want to deal with, I know, and they're things I don't want to deal with, either. Trust me. So I've been better and worse, depending on how you look at it. I've been eating, though not much. It's enough to get my friends to stop calling me anorexic. They wear smiles and joke about it, but it's obvious in their eyes that they're 100% serious, and that frightens me. I'm not suffering from an eating disorder. Can't someone go on a diet without being stared at? Even you've taken it up, though not as far. You just point out how I never eat and leave it at that. So I eat in front of you and you don't talk about it anymore. But I promised myself I'll be 100 by April, and I'll be 100 by April. The eleventh, I think? The twelfth? I don't remember.

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways. My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days. I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes to a whole new world that had since been in disguise. But that day will most likely never come for me, and it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are. So tonight, I'll sit and pick apart your pictures and overanalyze your words. But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard. It's taking everything in me just to forget your sweater so far. I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world. But your undecisive mind shows me that you are "just another girl". I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real. What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams? Maybe then you'd know how I feel. But that day will most likely never come for me, and it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are. So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures, and overanalyze your words. But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard. It's taking everything in me just to forget your sweater so far. I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever felt this way. Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin. These are the parts of your body that cause my comatose to begin. I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever felt this way. Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin. These are the parts of your body that cause my comatose to begin. I will sleep another day. I don't really need to, anyway. What's the point when my dreams are infected with words you used to say? I will breathe in a moment as long as I keep my distance. I wouldn't want to go messing anyting up. So don't go worrying about me. It's not like I think about you constantly. So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect your life anymore. I knew it the moment you walked into the door. So don't go worrying about me. It's not like I think about this constantly. So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect your life anymore. I knew it the moment you walked into the door. I'll let you get the best of me, because there's nothing else that I do well. I'll let you get the best of me, because there's nothing else that I do well. I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker. I guess that's how this one's going to go. I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker. You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim, "All hail the heartbreaker".

I ate more today than I've eaten on a Wednesday in the last month or so. I had breakfast and lunch. And I can't do anything about it, because it's too late, so I'm just sitting here and eating more. You see this? You kissing me makes me think I'm pretty, and it makes me think you like me the way I am, so I get lazy on the whole not-eating thing. When in reality, I should be trying harder to make you want me.

Dear World; If you don't stop making good things happen, I'm going to start thinking I'm actually someone important. So unless you don't want me to have an identity crisis, I'd suggest you cut that out.

I gained ten pounds over February break and only now have made it down to one-fifteen again. But trust me, I'm overjoyed. I've eaten! But I'm still losing weight! I'm just eating little amounts, very little ones. I'll update on that later. That's not what I want to talk about right now. You kissed me today. You were driving me home, and we stopped at my house. I was about to thank you for the ride when you made that face you do when you want to make me feel guilty, and then you said, "Don't I get a hug?" I smiled because that's definitely something you'd do, and I leaned in to give you a hug, but no hug happened. Instead, there was just this kiss. You kiss differently than Justina does, but I suppose that's not saying much, considering you're two different people. You're a bit more aggressive. And I was just so caught off guard that I went along with it, and then it was over so quickly, and I just rested my cheek against yours, my chin on your shoulder, my eyes shut tightly in the hopes that I wouldn't have to move. That's when I remembered where I was, and what had just happened, so I muttered, "I have to get out of here" and fumbled for the door handle. But I couldn't find it. And when I did get out, I reached for your bag, trying not to make eye contact, and you said, "That's mine," and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. So I just grabbed my book and you said, "Goodnight, sweetheart," like you always do, and then I shut the door and ran. Sprinted into the house. I always thought that when people said, "weak at the knees", it was a figure of speech, but it's true, because I can't walk. I'm stumbling everywhere I go, and my stomach is constantly churning, and I just took a shower and tried to convince myself that it was a bad idea, but something's happened to me, and I'm not so sure it was anymore. It was, it was, but I'm not so grounded. Not so cynical, if that's possible. The icing on top of the cake? You called Ryan immediately after it happened. Immediately. I was trying so hard to not tell anyone, and I just get this IM from Ryan that says, "He just told me to stop pushing for you two to go out because you kissed, and I said 'shouldn't that make me push you more?' and he hung up on me." And then: "This is such a big event for him that he called me right after it happened. But we're not going to tell anyone that." So I told Sam, sophomore Sam, that is, the one who doesn't talk to any of my friends, because I needed to get it off my chest before I exploded. And my mother knows, because I walked in the house blinking and unable to stand on my own two feet, wobbly as... something wobbly. Fuck. I can't even think right now. This is what you do to me. See this? I'm so happy you don't see this, actually, because you'd never want to do that again.

Today, Mike and I were walking in the hallway when I saw you ahead of us. You threw your arms in the air and screamed "yesss!" because there was a note on the orchestra door that said there were no lessons today, and I put my head to the floor and muttered, "I don't know him," and walked a little faster. But you started walking down the stairs just as I did, and Mike pushed me into you and said, "Go for it". You laughed, I murmured an apology and then, "This is so gay." On the way down, as my feet were hitting the steps so fast and so hard that I felt as if they'd reach the bottom before the rest of me did, you said, "I've got something to give you", and for a second, I thought it was something like a flower or a card, but it was just the CD I asked you to burn for me last night. And so my irrational hopes deflated in less than a second, but just as I began to walk a little faster so you wouldn't see the blush creeping onto my cheeks at the realization that I'm a dumb fuck, you put a small box of Godiva chocolates in my hands and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart". When I turned around, you'd left. I dealt all day with people telling me how expensive Godiva was. (It wasn't. You left the price tag on because you don't know how to give a gift - $6.) But honestly, the price didn't matter to me. I was too shocked that you'd given me anything at all, that you'd bothered to go out and buy something, and that I was left with nothing for you. And I just started thinking about what all your friends would say, or if they already know, which got me thinking about what my friends would say if we started dating, which got me thinking about dating you in general, and whether or not it's a good idea. I'm sorry to put you through this, sorry for the way that I avoided you all day, until 7th period, when you came into the Band Room while I was eating lunch to talk to me. I didn't mean to seem cold or unforgiving, I'm just trying to sort things out. Because the chocolates made me think of something else, too, and that was how ironic it was that you'd given me chocolate as a gift. Food is the basis of my fear right now, the basis of everything. Giving you the burden of me and my dysfunctional habits. I mean, come on. Right now, I'm in the middle of a two-day fast, 48 hours of not eating anything at all, and if anyone knew that, they'd flip. You'd find out sooner or later, about everything, and that's when you'd pull the I'm-worried-about-you card, and that's when I'd stop talking entirely. I can't stand that happening. But I'm not going to eat the chocolates. I can't. It's just funny that you chose to give me my worst problem as a gift. Bittersweet, in a sense, I suppose. Anyway, my fast was ruined second period when my English teacher gave six of us a handful of gobstopper jaw breaker candy hearts. Everyone was eating them, and excited, and I admit to letting an excited sound escape my lips, so it would be way suspicious if I refused to eat them. Tally for the day (so far): About 60 calories - Five jawbreaker candy hearts.

It's been over 24 hours since I've had anything that contained calories. I'm a little dizzy, but mostly, my head just feels uber-heavy. I know there's no way I'm getting out of eating dinner tonight, but I'm sure I can have only one slice of pizza instead of two. That's gross. I know for a fact, though, that I can go 48 hours without eating anything, starting after dinner tonight. I skip breakfast and lunch every day, and on Wednesdays, I'm at the shop, and they have burgers. So I tell my mother I'm eating there and I tell the kids there that I ate at home, and no one suspects otherwise. Tim today, totally unprovoked, told me that I need to go home and eat because I'm too skinny. I pulled away from him and stared at him skeptically. Too skinny? Is he kidding? I'm almost 115 pounds again, and I'm only 5'2". But whatever. I'll get into that another day. This is basically me telling you that you don't want to ask me out. Again. Because Ryan had a conversation with you, and you said fine, you'd do it, and now I'm terrified that I'm going to do something wrong and we're going to lose something good. What about friendship? What about everything we've done in the last year? Over a year? And we're going to throw that away... for what? For something that isn't going to change anything at all between us? It doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm in denial. Let's be honest for a moment, though, okay? Can you blame me for being in denial? I mean, come on. I've spent the last year and two months of my life waiting for you, and now you decide it might be a good idea to try something? I'm thrilled, really, and because I'm so thrilled, I'm searching for reasons why this shouldn't happen. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. Don't let me persuade you otherwise.

We went to a movie last night. I didn't think it was going to happen because you never stick to your word, but lately, you've been surprising me, so I guess I wasn't surprised that it happened. I sat in the front seat next to you and we rode in silence for a good five minutes, having no words to say, while I wondered if you'd ever been silent with your ex-girlfriend, and whether or not it bothered you the way it was bothering me. Sometimes, I can sit in comfortable silence with you and be happy with myself, but there was no radio on, just the sound of the car going over bumps in the road and the faint sound of your breathing, and it wasn't enough to soothe my nerves. I've gained weight again, because I stopped not eating for this weekend. It's only my mother at home, my dad's out of town, and although this means she can't handle both my brother and I (and so I get away with more), it also means that she's more careful about dinner and lunch and breakfast, because she can keep an eye on both of us instead of relying on my father to do it. So I've eaten normally, maybe even more than normally, and whatever weight I lost the last two days, when I was running on 90 calories for the whole of the two, I gained back. But eventually, you started talking, about stupid things, and then I started talking, and voila. A conversation was born. We drove to Ryan's house to pick up Moose. I'll admit to being uneasy. I don't know Moose very well, other than the fact that he's supposedly a cool guy and that his fiance left him for a guy who lived at his house, so he had to go live with Ryan instead. He's two years older than us and is supposed to be in college, but he's going to the community college starting next year. Well, I learned a lot about Moose last night. He's pretty much an amazing person, agrees with me on everything except his love for System of a Down. We took turns destroying you and giving each other high fives, and no one mentioned that I was in pigtails, which I think is a good thing. I was terrified you'd make some sort of remark about it. At the movies, I sat next to you, and I was slouching, and you were slouching, and because the movie was so terrible (Epic Movie), you spent it attempting to tickle me and running your hand up my thigh until I shoved it away. You rested your hand on my neck a few times, playing with the strands of hair I couldn't get into the pigtails, or you kissed me on the cheek, and I had to pretend I was more into the movie than what you were doing, which was such a falsity, I'm afraid I might go straight to Hell for it. (If I'm not already, that is) You did the same thing WHILE DRIVING on the way home, and I couldn't stop thinking about how Moose must think we are, you constantly flirting with me and me, I'm afraid, initiating it a few times, with remarks and slaps upside the head. But he hadn't lost any respect for me, because at the end, he told me I was awesome, and I told him he was amazing, and I felt good about myself for what was probably the first time all night, because someone incredible found me awesome, and I find that I have a rather dull personality. You changed the CD back to Trevor Extor when you drove me back home. You stopped the car so I could look out the window and trace Orion with my fingertips, then told me legends about Orion chasing Scorpio, and let me in on how you can find your way based on the constellations. I had no idea you know so much about the stars, and I chalked it up to years of Latin and the fact that you're a mariner, but I was still astounded. You asked me if I was going to that concert with you, but you said it was in New York City, and I admitted that there was no way my parents would let me go to NYC on a Thursday night, furthermore driving home the age gap between us. When you stopped the car outside my house, I unbuckled my seat belt and sat there, my feet on the dash, listening to you finish a sentence. And then I turned to you, and you were looking at me, and I had the strangest sensation that you were going to kiss me, and I... I turned my head and you ended up kissing my cheeks. I couldn't look at you after that, not until I was out of the car and you were teasing me yet again about something or other. Why did I do it? Turn my head, that is. It's simple, really, although I only found the reason from not sleeping last night. It's because I'm trying to protect you. God, I do so hate it when people do things for my own good, but it's true. You don't deserve me. Go ahead, shake your head. There's two options as far as where we're to go if you kiss me. 1) It could just be a series of random hook-ups from then on, which is something I've already detailed in an earlier post, and which is something I will not, under any circumstances, do with you. Or 2) We could end up dating each other, boyfriend and girlfriend and the like, and it isn't that I'm afraid of a relationship, it's that I'm afraid of you worrying about me day and night. I'm a burden. I have more baggage than you possibly know, and you won't be able to deal with that. You just aren't strong enough. So I'm sorry if it seemed like a slap in the face last night, like I was denying you. I was just trying to say that, unless we talk it over, I don't see how you'll be able to deal with me.

This is sad. I'm going to say that right now, before I go on, before I spill out a little piece of my soul onto this white space in front of me. It's sad. I'm sad. But that's besides the point. The point is this: Today, I was standing at a table eyeing a box of fundraiser candy. I hadn't eaten in a little over 24 hours, hadn't had anything put inside of me that contained calories of any sort. Nothing. And I figured I could throw it away for oh, say, 100 calories? Maybe 50? Just so I don't faint before reaching my 48 hour point tomorrow. And I was picking them up and reading the back and throwing them down and reading others, running my hair through my hands. I couldn't believe it. 270 calories for three Reese's Cups? That's ridiculous! I had a plan to only eat under 300 a day! [Except for now, of course, when I'm doing a fast.] And then one of the people there saw me doing all of it and asked me, "What, are they all expired or something?" He then asked if I was reading the expiration dates. I responded that I was looking at the calories, and you just laughed and told me you don't have respect for me as a person, then went back to your work. But Al [the guy who was talking to me] kept speaking, and eventually, he said: "Well, you've lost weight." I blinked and furrowed my brow and shot him a confused look, and he gestured his hand up and down and said, "You look thinner. You lost weight. That's good, right?" I swear. This is why I do this. You have no idea how nice it feels to hear someone tell me that. I bought the Reese's AND a skittles package (270 calories each), but only ate one peanut butter cup before realizing that they really aren't worth throwing away a long time of doing this. If I want to be 100 by April, I have to hurry up that offense. Oh, and edit: Tim told me today that he knows of a lot of guys who want to date me. We got on the topic because I let him have shotgun in your car and you said I must really love Tim, and Tim said he felt loved because a lot of people love me that I don't love. He named Ryan, of course, which I already knew and which just made things more awkward for the three of us, and then said there were others but didn't elaborate. Something was making me think/hope/imagine/fantasize that you're on that list. But I know better. So for today? 90 calories - 1 Reese's Cup. For tomorrow, well. We'll just see where that goes.

From now on, I'll be using the titles as my current weight. But that's irrelevant. Here's what went on today: I hadn't studied for the Spanish test, the Math test, OR the AP World History test today. So I spent my before-school time studying for those three, up until first period when I took the Spanish test, and then I studied for Math until fourth, and then AP World until sixth. I know that sounds like a lot of tests, but you have no idea how nice it felt to be able to be finished with it all by sixth period. (Although I would have liked it if my schedule had allowed for me to have lunch before AP World so I hadn't have gotten an 83...) I ran into you, like, a billion times today. It was weird, seeing you acting the way you do in front of other people. Sort of quiet, actually, at least in the halls. And then I walked by and you walked in front of me and did that thing I always do with people, where I go one way and they go the same way. You know what I'm talking about. And I just laughed and looked at you and you put your arm around my waist and then left. You told me last night that you want me to go to a concert with you on February 15th. I told you I didn't know what I was doing on that day, but Sam S-M said I should say yes, so I eventually did, even though I still don't know what I'm doing on that day. (Or that my parents will say yes. It's a Thursday night, a school night.) And I'm probably paranoid, but since your ex-girlfriend was the one who introduced you to Trevor Extor's music in the first place, I can't imagine her NOT being at the concert. It's at a restaurant, and it's an acoustic concert, and I really don't want her there because if you take me, then you're TAKING me, you know? Whatever. While I'm on the topic of you, I'll just get it out there: All your friends want to see us together. I'm not going to lie; it would be nice to actually be with you. But I'm not going to push you towards dating me, either. Tim stopped me in the hallway today, gave me a hug, and then said, "You need to hook up with Harrison." And I was like "Excuse me?" but he just grinned and walked away. That's not as surprising as what happened at the end of the day, when Ryan (the kid that's confessed to still liking me) gave me this really long hug and, upon letting go, shoved his hands in his pockets and said, "So when are you and Harrison going to date each other and just be done with this already?" It turns out that the topic of the two of us is all they've talked about for the last two days, although I'm sure it came up when you dropped me off yesterday. I just wonder if you know about their master plan. In other news, Mike has begun to worry about me. I didn't eat lunch today (duh) and he noticed. After offering me his bag of pretzels first, then a little juice box thing (Mike's still sort of twelve), he was like, "I'm really worried about you." So I scoffed at him and said he was reminding me of David, and he said, "David's worried about you because he wants to get in your pants. I'm worried about you as a friend." I ignored that statement and, eventually, he let it go. Leanna asked me if I'm on a "diet or something". I refrained from responding: "or something" because I know she's smart enough to figure it out. This is why I can't just hook up with you. If what Tim said is supposed to be different from what Ryan said, and Tim wants to know what's stopping me from just hooking up with you, that's it, and that's what I'm going to tell him. That hooking up with you is a mistake if it doesn't mean anything, and everything has been so screwed up lately that I can't add another fuck-up to the list.

Paranoia - (90%) Physical security - (90%) Avoidant - (76%) Cautiousness - (76%) Accommodation - (70%) Change averse - (70%) Hypersensitivity - (70%) Physical fitness - (70%) Work ethic - (70%) Artistic - (63%) Female cliche - (50%) Intellectual - (50%) Orderliness - (50%) Wealth - (50%) Dependency - (43%) Narcissism - (43%) Vanity - (43%) Anti-authority - (36%) Conflict seeking - (36%) Extraversion - (36%) Individuality - (36%) Need to dominate - (36%) Materialism - (30%) PeterPan complex - (23%) Histrionic - (23%) Mystical - (23%) Self absorbed - (23%) Stability - (20%) Hedonism - (16%) Interdependence - (16%) Romantic - (16%) Adventurousness - (10%) Religious - (10%) Sexuality - (10%) Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. trait snapshot: introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual

And this is how it works: I come home from school and I go straight to the computer. I hit up myspace for a while, forget about my homework, and pretend I don't notice that growling in my stomach that says that at any minute now, it's going to start digesting itself. I pretend I don't notice that he's been being different lately. Nicer, perhaps, but perhaps even crueler, depending on how you look at it. I pretend I don't notice that I'm not okay. I don't mean okay as in feeling okay, because I'm not, and I can't pretend that. I've been dizzy and light-headed and oh-so-tired lately. Lack of calories = lack of energy = lack of being able to pay attention. I mean that I pretend I don't notice that there's something wrong here. Because there isn't. Is there?