I gained ten pounds over February break and only now have made it down to one-fifteen again. But trust me, I'm overjoyed. I've eaten! But I'm still losing weight! I'm just eating little amounts, very little ones. I'll update on that later. That's not what I want to talk about right now. You kissed me today. You were driving me home, and we stopped at my house. I was about to thank you for the ride when you made that face you do when you want to make me feel guilty, and then you said, "Don't I get a hug?" I smiled because that's definitely something you'd do, and I leaned in to give you a hug, but no hug happened. Instead, there was just this kiss. You kiss differently than Justina does, but I suppose that's not saying much, considering you're two different people. You're a bit more aggressive. And I was just so caught off guard that I went along with it, and then it was over so quickly, and I just rested my cheek against yours, my chin on your shoulder, my eyes shut tightly in the hopes that I wouldn't have to move. That's when I remembered where I was, and what had just happened, so I muttered, "I have to get out of here" and fumbled for the door handle. But I couldn't find it. And when I did get out, I reached for your bag, trying not to make eye contact, and you said, "That's mine," and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. So I just grabbed my book and you said, "Goodnight, sweetheart," like you always do, and then I shut the door and ran. Sprinted into the house. I always thought that when people said, "weak at the knees", it was a figure of speech, but it's true, because I can't walk. I'm stumbling everywhere I go, and my stomach is constantly churning, and I just took a shower and tried to convince myself that it was a bad idea, but something's happened to me, and I'm not so sure it was anymore. It was, it was, but I'm not so grounded. Not so cynical, if that's possible. The icing on top of the cake? You called Ryan immediately after it happened. Immediately. I was trying so hard to not tell anyone, and I just get this IM from Ryan that says, "He just told me to stop pushing for you two to go out because you kissed, and I said 'shouldn't that make me push you more?' and he hung up on me." And then: "This is such a big event for him that he called me right after it happened. But we're not going to tell anyone that." So I told Sam, sophomore Sam, that is, the one who doesn't talk to any of my friends, because I needed to get it off my chest before I exploded. And my mother knows, because I walked in the house blinking and unable to stand on my own two feet, wobbly as... something wobbly. Fuck. I can't even think right now. This is what you do to me. See this? I'm so happy you don't see this, actually, because you'd never want to do that again.