Arg. does the title of the song put it any more right? i have to leave stacy behind even though i want her so much. why does it hurt when people just let things go when you ask? most of the time people never mean it. it kind of shows like they dont really care... i want to run away just to see who'll follow i want to die just to see who'll care... i want to be dying just to see who'll come to my rescue. im so insanely scared it will be no one though. like my mind processes that it'll be no one. arg. she doesnt care. i took huge chances with her and it was all just to pass the time. you know, you think your leading the game but then you realize you didnt have the other players figured out at all. you were wrong to think you could be in control. dead wrong. she said "better off friends" i say better off dead. i broke up with him. the guy i would scream and cry just to hug. i did it for my own selfish vices. because i cant handle not being able to mess with other peoples minds. i cant stand not being able to steal control. i know im being rediculous but. what. what the fuck do i do. im me and that is never OK. im me and that means never being what others expect and find appealing. bury me baby, im just a walking corpse after you ripped my heart out

6:35:47 PM): the few things keeping me alive and im pushing them away. why? 6:37:38 PM): i don't know? maybe b/c you think everything and everyone will leave you, so maybe you're pushing them away b/c you don't wanna get hurt anymore then you already are? but even though you know i'm here for and will never leave you, you still have that little bit of you that thinks i will...and maybe you're choosing to believe that little bit instead of believing that i'll always be here 6:37:44 PM): if that made any sense at all... 6:38:19 PM): that, it's easier to believe that i won't be, then i will be 6:38:21 PM): yeah im a scared little abused puppy... 6:38:23 PM): so you won't get hurt 6:38:41 PM): pathetic and quivering in the corner... 6:39:11 PM): :[ and i'm the one trying to make you better, and you don't know what to do, so you try and bite me. 6:39:26 PM): b/c you don't wanna get hurt...b/c you don't know who to trust anymore. 6:39:52 PM): i'll raise my hand to pet you, and you don't know whether i'm gonna pet you, or hit you 6:40:04 PM): b/c you've lost sense of direction 6:40:15 PM): or...emotion. 6:40:22 PM): yeah..ive learned when i put all my trust in one person they tend to shatter it completely and leave me alone in the dark with a serial killer 6:40:41 PM): yeah, but how have i done that? 6:41:40 PM): idk. but we talk less...like every other person i put my life forth for...soon we wont even be friends anymore.. 6:41:51 PM): yes we will. how am i supposed to feel when you finally say you'll call and you dont????? "i guess promises are better left unsaid" im a mess and i cant put myself together i have loose ends i cant tie up i am a loose end ....im an end...

my dad is getting to me really bad. i fight back, he hates it, he thinks its disrespect, i think its self defense. i wont take his verbal abuse. only a little longer but i really cant leave this behind me. not when they are so important[yet so not] to me. idk im lost like a puppy, but one thats been beaten so its scared of anything that moves and shows emotion dont get to close, i might lash out, backed into a corner, defend my withering pathetic life. all in all i just want someone to love me...but i cant let that happen because its been carved into my head that no one couuld love me and all there is is pain in taking chances...

So... last night i had one of those near-death things scary and messed up idk i dont want you to want me i want you to hate me only because i dont want to hurt you i know i will oh god i know i will and i could NEVER forgive myself because you dont deserve that i could never live with myself knowing i put that ache in you. but god dammit, is it too late to reverse it??? it is..but...im not that deep into it.. maybe if i pull away maybe from everyone more than i am now no one will care and ill just cease to exist from everyone god if only it was that easy

my horoscope said id feel like im losing control today but i wouldnt do anything drastic damn..its right... know whats fucked up though? that i have to keep 2 diaries. i should just use one. so i can actually say what i feel i should have to keep a seperate one just to let things out. but no, people read my other one. fan fucking tastic. and i hate how vulnerable i feel when i tell someone i barely know something about me. like yeah, idc if they know where i live and how old i am and everything. but...i dont like poeple knowing how i feel deep down. and i have no idea why. but it makes me feel absolutely HORRIBLE. and i hate how paranoid and scared i am. i dont want to lose you..i cant. i feel like your the only thing worth it anymore, and if i lose you i lose everything. which is insane, because i dont even know you that well your constantly hurting me, but i swear the benefits outweigh the damage. and why the fuck do i have to be so hypocritical. i know im a jealous person..i hate when girls hang around you..but ill go around kissing everyone and sit on guys laps and hold their hand and put my arm around them and such. i even exclaimed how easy it was to manipulate tyler in front of you i gotta stop that. but then i feel like "if he wont give me the attention, why shouldnt i go someplace else for it" but i know theres a chance all that bothers you...and id rather be miserable and you be happy than the other way around except im not happy im only happy when im with you and that doesnt happen often my horoscope said i cant be too possive because it'll be bad ....how am i supposed to be ok with you slipping away when it kills me?

"1...2...3...Go! Well All My Life This Music saved Me I Can't Afford Your Therapy My Frustration it needs release, cut me open and hear me bleed Playing Punk It Keeps Me Sane I Don't need drugs to numb the pain It keeps me alive, I hope it helps you I won't let your worthless America Ruin Me NO WAY! I'm screaming out, somebody listen, It feels so good This Therapy I'm screaming out, somebody listen, It feels so good This Therapy I lost control and hurt myself I knew deep down I needed some help The self-abuse would not stop, No matter how hard I tried So I Lied And I Pulled My Life Together Am I Going Insane? Think Again I Got So Fed Up With Being Unstable NO MORE I'm screaming out, Somebody Listen, It Feels So Good, This Therapy! I'm screaming out!"

im so so scared and so paranoid if things stay the same i swear i swear i wont last another day "lies oh lies and everybodies lies and i dont believe you" things wont change "well we all agree, that we dont believe, that this is the last time. well we promised you, now you see the truth, that this is the last time, that this is the last time" "your bedroom behavior was nothing more than checkmarks on bedposts" i love you but if you dont love me dont let me go on strike me down slash my wrists pour that alcohol down my throat thin my blood so i no longer have to go on alone leave me in a cold dark room so i dont have to see my world melt away in front of me and i dont have to feel deaths grip if you dont love me... let me go i dont want a world without you

Whats wrong with me?? im seriously doubting my sanity i think things happen when they dont, i blur the lines between reality and my made up world. i dont feel anything i want to i fucking NEED to i have every single reason to be happy but i dont feel anything, not sad, not happy, not even ok. just...nothing make it go away make it go away make it go away i want to feel the happiness i know i would have if i could youve done more for me today than anyone ever has and then we kissed and i didnt know how to handle it so i started having a panic attack and i couldnt breathe and i couldnt move i just couldnt exist i wanted to be in a dark shadow left alone to think but i was surrounded by people who were watching i dont even remember how your lips felt or how it happened if i try real hard i might be able to make something up and believe its real its probably what will happen god i know i love you but i cant feel it and its killing me...

"I believe I can see the future Cause I repeat the same routine I think I used to have a purpose But then again That might have been a dream I think I used to have a voice Now I never make a sound Every day is exactly the same There is no love here and there is no pain Every day is exactly the same Sometimes I think I'm happy here Sometimes, yet I still pretend I can't remember how this got started But I can tell you exactly how it will end I'm still inside here A little bit comes bleeding through I wish this could have been any other way But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do" im..im not happy im nothing near it and i dont know what to do anymore i dont think im worth anyones time i dont think they even care anymore im not sure what my value to society is or if i even have one i wouldnt even chance suicide again, it never seems to work, it never seems to heal things either but idk maybe leaving maybe that will work maybe maybe i will be ok for once everday for a long time now has just felt like a bad dream that i cant keep up with like nothing feels real like if i tried to touch someone id just fall forward right through them like a ghost like i need a theatrical effect just to get someone to notice im alive like the song "good to know if i ever need attention all i have to do is die" WHY DO I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?!?! i dont care about all the others your the one i want your the one i need and im NOTHING this is agony in the form of silence will someone please just splash me with water to wake me up from this nightmare???

i cant help but HATE, i mean absolutely HATE parts of my life most parts like 99% of it and i dont know why it just feels like a horrible dream thats going by too quick to soak in im not going to lie...ive developed huge trust issues...huge relationship issues... i cant help but think every now and then 'this is one huge practical joke played on me' you dont really care for me..and all these people saying you do, that they hope something sparks up, they are just in on it. and when i finally let my guard down and get confident they will all scream "just kidding!!!" because if time has taught me anything its that i dont get to be one of those girls who can hold a guys hand and he'll hold her in his arms and she can just smile and mean it ...im one of those girls that runs in circles and screams for the pure joy of screaming, who dances in the rain and stands up for what she thinks is right, who loves shiny things and has ADD and everyone thinks is just ditzy and stupid but no one takes the time to find out who i really am... im the underrated puppet people like to think they can pull the strings of, but in all reality im just going along with it to make them happy, they dont realize i can see through everything ugh but im always paranoid if i call him he'll just be like "why is she calling me...wtf...i never wanted her to" but maybe maybe im just making the same mistake twice can i really let him get away like i did with talon? maybe im meant to.. and be alone.. maybe i was never meant to have someone like those girls do hell im just the fun friend anyway nothing more ...never anything more.. im the question mark that isnt worth considering..

i cant help it i want to run away from everything just get out of this place "Doctor doctor, what am i here for?! Cant you see that i dont need this place?? i dont need these walls!" but i cant, not with these loose ends, not without missing you winter brings hesitation, reservation, depressing days if you dont know how to play up with the white magic on the trees spring brings on new light, dreams, laughing and playing in the sun, hope... it gets rid of the depression, it kills the reservations, melts the hesitation... cant it just be 60 out with a chance of new love and not-used-to happiness? i want to be able to walk home again better yet i want to be able to walk home holding your hand... please oh god please, let me have that fairy tale love for once, at least for a little while, please please im begging you please...

I have these moments where im just pumped to be a kid and pumped that i have all these oppertunities and then i have those moments where i absolutely HATE who i am and HATE everything that im associated with i cant stand this all right now. its a god damn rollercoaster and i cant help but feel sick while riding it im really not sure on what to do like ride it out? or fight against the current? im not sure.. maybe something will change... "oh baby please wont you take my hand we've got nothing left to prove"

i finally realize what you did to me how could you make me believe this?? it makes sense, everything ive done, the way i am, i understand why and its all your fucking fault no matter what anyone ever fucking says i know ill believe it and i know ill still push people away when i think theres a chance because you fucking ruined me you fucking bastard... i still love you anyway but i can never let anyone know that and i can never let myself feel it your the past and the past is killing my future im tearing myself to peices and your the grip

God im so terrified... is like something might actually change.. but it might just be the same and i couldnt handle that again and i cant talk to anyone about it... im so so scared... and its like the flight response is about to go into action i finally get what they were saying what do i do... do i run.. or do i fight?? god this is so bad im so scared...

So i guess i have a lot of reasons im bitter about love. but its bittersweet, at least. im still a hopeless fucking romantic no matter how hard i try to kill it. but i hate it, i hate it, i hate it so fucking much valentines day. ugh. everyone is so fucking depressed on that day, the slight few who are estatic because their 'sweetie' got them something and they have someone. GUESS THE FUCK WHAT ive never had anyone for that fucking blasphemous day. so stop being so fucking depressed just because he didnt get you the red flower, or because the candy isnt all that great. dont be so fucking sad because your boyfriend didnt get you anything. at least fucking enjoy the fact that you have someone last year i got absolutly crushed. wrote the guy i loved who was 'in love' with me too [wasnt my boyfriend, oh no, because 2 years means NOTHING still] that i spilled my heart out to in a letter and even got him things. wow a thanks and a never-mention-it-again. then he makes out with my friend this year. fan fucking tastic. this year ive got someone else im fucking head over heels for but he wont even talk to me. GOD WHEN WILL I FUCKING WIN?!??!?! highschool is an endless pit of dead-on-arrival love for me. the first 2 years on this fucking putz, then my whole junior year on this gorgeous kid who doesnt care. dont i fucking fall for the good people?? my job this valentines is to put a fake fucking smile on, and help my oh-so-down friends get through the day cuz god knows they dont need me being all depressed. needless to say im horribly bitter under it all but i guess you wouldnt be able to guess because im hopelessly hopeful on the outside. fucking love... what a joke.

so like i need a change i need to change how i look at least a little because this is getting rediculous something needs to change and thats all i really have power over of please let it work please let me feel better

fuck you... im NOT dealing with this leg pain again NO

So hmm ive been eating more, which is good, and it hasnt been hurting so bad havent had the stomach problems but for the past 2 days ive had this horrible headache it reminds me of when i used to have a headache everyday for like 2 years then they kinda went away and my body got worse id rather the headaches than the stomach aches though idk its not so painful lately but i wish there was none at all...

So im getting worse and i can feel it it hurts so bad to eat that im not even sure its worth it anymore clearly it hurts more to eat than not eat i start shaking and like, convulsing.. my abdomen hurts a lot more now and im always dizzy, no matter what i do my heart feels more and more messed up each day and its getting harder to think and remember things im not sure if im ever gonna get better at this point...

I had to say something it hurts too much not to i didnt want them to be suddenly crushed when i was randomly gone... i wanted to give them warning because im the only one who knows whats completely going on they just have a vague idea if i told them the whole truth well i couldnt bear the way they looked at me then i already dont wanna look them in the eye i bet its hurting them more than me