We went to a movie last night. I didn't think it was going to happen because you never stick to your word, but lately, you've been surprising me, so I guess I wasn't surprised that it happened. I sat in the front seat next to you and we rode in silence for a good five minutes, having no words to say, while I wondered if you'd ever been silent with your ex-girlfriend, and whether or not it bothered you the way it was bothering me. Sometimes, I can sit in comfortable silence with you and be happy with myself, but there was no radio on, just the sound of the car going over bumps in the road and the faint sound of your breathing, and it wasn't enough to soothe my nerves. I've gained weight again, because I stopped not eating for this weekend. It's only my mother at home, my dad's out of town, and although this means she can't handle both my brother and I (and so I get away with more), it also means that she's more careful about dinner and lunch and breakfast, because she can keep an eye on both of us instead of relying on my father to do it. So I've eaten normally, maybe even more than normally, and whatever weight I lost the last two days, when I was running on 90 calories for the whole of the two, I gained back. But eventually, you started talking, about stupid things, and then I started talking, and voila. A conversation was born. We drove to Ryan's house to pick up Moose. I'll admit to being uneasy. I don't know Moose very well, other than the fact that he's supposedly a cool guy and that his fiance left him for a guy who lived at his house, so he had to go live with Ryan instead. He's two years older than us and is supposed to be in college, but he's going to the community college starting next year. Well, I learned a lot about Moose last night. He's pretty much an amazing person, agrees with me on everything except his love for System of a Down. We took turns destroying you and giving each other high fives, and no one mentioned that I was in pigtails, which I think is a good thing. I was terrified you'd make some sort of remark about it. At the movies, I sat next to you, and I was slouching, and you were slouching, and because the movie was so terrible (Epic Movie), you spent it attempting to tickle me and running your hand up my thigh until I shoved it away. You rested your hand on my neck a few times, playing with the strands of hair I couldn't get into the pigtails, or you kissed me on the cheek, and I had to pretend I was more into the movie than what you were doing, which was such a falsity, I'm afraid I might go straight to Hell for it. (If I'm not already, that is) You did the same thing WHILE DRIVING on the way home, and I couldn't stop thinking about how Moose must think we are, you constantly flirting with me and me, I'm afraid, initiating it a few times, with remarks and slaps upside the head. But he hadn't lost any respect for me, because at the end, he told me I was awesome, and I told him he was amazing, and I felt good about myself for what was probably the first time all night, because someone incredible found me awesome, and I find that I have a rather dull personality. You changed the CD back to Trevor Extor when you drove me back home. You stopped the car so I could look out the window and trace Orion with my fingertips, then told me legends about Orion chasing Scorpio, and let me in on how you can find your way based on the constellations. I had no idea you know so much about the stars, and I chalked it up to years of Latin and the fact that you're a mariner, but I was still astounded. You asked me if I was going to that concert with you, but you said it was in New York City, and I admitted that there was no way my parents would let me go to NYC on a Thursday night, furthermore driving home the age gap between us. When you stopped the car outside my house, I unbuckled my seat belt and sat there, my feet on the dash, listening to you finish a sentence. And then I turned to you, and you were looking at me, and I had the strangest sensation that you were going to kiss me, and I... I turned my head and you ended up kissing my cheeks. I couldn't look at you after that, not until I was out of the car and you were teasing me yet again about something or other. Why did I do it? Turn my head, that is. It's simple, really, although I only found the reason from not sleeping last night. It's because I'm trying to protect you. God, I do so hate it when people do things for my own good, but it's true. You don't deserve me. Go ahead, shake your head. There's two options as far as where we're to go if you kiss me. 1) It could just be a series of random hook-ups from then on, which is something I've already detailed in an earlier post, and which is something I will not, under any circumstances, do with you. Or 2) We could end up dating each other, boyfriend and girlfriend and the like, and it isn't that I'm afraid of a relationship, it's that I'm afraid of you worrying about me day and night. I'm a burden. I have more baggage than you possibly know, and you won't be able to deal with that. You just aren't strong enough. So I'm sorry if it seemed like a slap in the face last night, like I was denying you. I was just trying to say that, unless we talk it over, I don't see how you'll be able to deal with me.