[142] I Only See You

Feeling: defeated
It's been a while since I've written. I write that a lot, I find. But I don't think I'll ever be able to get back to my daily writing progress...whatever. I'll do it when I can and I'll like it. -_- Anyway, things have been bittersweet. I'm gearing up for my wedding in just 8 weeks. That's probably why I haven't written because I've been too focused on the whole wedding thing. I need to get so much planned and there's just not enough time. I'm thinking of making a secondary journal that's private so I can put my deepest darkest thoughts there...can you even still make an account on this website? I'll have to check into that. Anyway, I've just been so stressed out. I'm a full time 4.0 student, planning my wedding, dealing with guy problems in more ways than one, and balancing several businesses / small projects. I'm overwhelmed but I can't stop because I'm gearing up for my future and I can't stop or I'll doom myself to failure. I'm not proud to admit it, but I've started cutting again. I don't want to delve too much into that on here but it's a thing. And again, I'm not proud of it but it's soothing. I've been numb for most of this year and I can finally feel something again. I wish I made better choices when I was younger and didn't learn to soothe in such a self-destructive way but there's nothing I can do about that now. I can only hope my mental state gets better.
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[141] All The Things

Feeling: perplexed
So it's been awhile. I wanted / no, intended to update this more frequently but life keeps getting in the way. I've been distracted and just preoccupied with other things. I feel bad but meh. I've been in school now for 4 semesters (well, this current one is my fourth) and I've been doing surprisingly well. I've been able to maintain a 4.0 every single semester which completely exceeds all expectations I had for myself. But sometimes, that's a good thing. Because if you can blow your mind about yourself that means that you are better than you thought - which means you need to start thinking better. At least, if logic would dictate. But it often doesn't...stupid mind. So that's a thing. Also, I'm getting married this year. Woo. I never thought I'd be here 10 years later (2008 me thought he'd forever be alone because nobody could possibly love him) and then bam here were are. It was a long journey but it was rewarding and I'm happy. It's just been so stressful making the invitations, saving up money, planning, etc. It's almost too much to deal with sometimes. I've become a stoner, haha, which sounds weird but like sometimes the best way to destressify myself is to take a hit or two. Doesn't make me a bad person. It's becoming legal soon anyway. But I will say I've gotten really good at making edibles which is a lot harder than you'd think. Besides that, I have a few projects coming out soon which I am very nervous about. My Trading Card Game is almost done and I'll be making a Kickstarter soon to promote it. I'm having two books released at the end of this year - one Young Adult Fantasy and one Young Adult Lesbian Romance. I just need to learn to relax and stop letting my mind destroy me. It's my worstenemy which it should be my greatest ally. It's kind of both and I wish it was more one than the other. =/ In other news I've gotten back into WoW and also became a huge Overwatch fan. Mercy and Mei are the best and I'll fight anyone who says different! I have put in so many hours. Haha. Oh well. I'll update again soon. o/
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[140] Hello, It's Me

Listening to: Valentina - Alaska
Feeling: bitchy
So This semester is almost done. I'm two finals away from it being over. I just want it to end so I can get a good mental rest because it's been pretty taxing. Also stupid anxiety has been surfacing again. I'm tired of it - it in itself is a huge drain on my mental health. I've decided after the holidays pass to go to a doctor and see about getting some help. I'm just so tired of fighting it on my own. I've been trying for over 10 years and it's just too much. I'm much better in some ways but still not where I need to be mentally. Even though my life is pretty good these stupid voices in my head won't leave me alone. I'm also sick so that isn't helping. I caught a cold after Disney World (yeah I went there with family / fiance) and it was getting better ... until it got worse. Apparently it turned into an infection. I'm on antibiotics now. I'm sure most people with anxiety will tell you that when you're sick it just gets worse. Something about your body focusing on healing so your mental defenses are down? Idk. But it's happening. I'm just happy I get to see my Internet friends in 2 weeks. I just hate that I've gained back some of the weight I lost. I was doing so well ugh. I just need to do better. And I can do better. I'm just so tired.
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[139] Shadows Still Remain

Feeling: frazzled
It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time. I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA. As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good. I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered. I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice. I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way. I'm going to do great things.
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[138] Let Our Hearts Bleed

Feeling: awake
Hello Diary. I haven't written in quite a while! I know, I'm guilty. Sue me. Okay please not really...I'm sorry ;_; I've been very busy. For starters, as I said before, I got my GED and I have started my first semester of college. It hasn't been too difficult but it hasn't been easy either. It's been interesting. I also went to my bi-yearly vacation and hung out with friends. I made a bunch of new friends and just had a good time...too good of a time, in my opinion. I gained back like 15 lbs which I'm now currently back on track to losing. I couldn't start at the gym immediately because of getting con crud right after which took like two weeks to go away -_- meh. The semester is almost done for me. I submitted my last work and am waiting for the grades. And then I get a month off to do whatever I want. Yay. My birthday is in a week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'll be the big 25. I still feel the same as I did when I was a teenager, just a bit less naive. I hope that never changes. I don't want to be that dick who forgets what it's like to be young and keep a fresh perspective on things. But anyway, I have a whole week of fun planned out for my birthday so I have a lot to look forward to. I'll end this here.
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[137] Just Wasn't Stable

Feeling: accomplished
Hey Diary. So rememeber last month when I wasfreaking out about taking my GED and worried I'd fail? Well, I didn't! I got it and I actually passed by a decent margin. I haven't written here since then because the last 30 days have moved by in a blur. I had to do a bunch of stuff to register for school and picking out classes, my degree options, etc. etc. but it's all done and I'm finally, officially a college student ^.^ I've also been pushing hard on the weight loss front. I'm almost 70 lbs down. I had to go shopping for new clothes since none of my old ones fit me right anymore. I've gone down almost 6 pants sizes. I used to have to wear a 2X shirt now I'm in a large. I've never felt more confident about myself or my body. Not to mention I've been baking a lot more and actually getting more people who want me to cater their parties. Things have been going rather well for me. I'm moving next month - I hate that I've been forced to do it so often (like 10 times in the past 5 years) but this should be the last time for a while. I'm actually excited, too, because I'll be my first actual time renting a house of our own. Like no family, just us. I have my big trip in 2 weeks to see all my online friends. I wonder how surprised they'll be to see the new me. To be honest, I'm surprised when I look in the mirror. Until next time, !!_//
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[136] Break Down

Feeling: anxious
So I'm posting again - in less than a month. No, it's not a holiday or my birthday. :P I'm hella nervous. Part of my whole year of improvement means I had to make a doctor's appointment to fix a few issues I've had for a while on top of...the appointment to take my GED test. Yup. So of course I'm freaking out and my anxiety is fucking with me. I hate it. I wish I could be normal and not have my own mind try and drive me crazy. -_- I'm just worried because if I fail this test, it'll severely set me back. I need to pass it so I can move forward with my life and be where I need to be. Where I want to be. And I've studied a shit ton. I've taken every practice test and gotten in the 80th percentile (you only need 70th to pass) but I still feel nervous. And I wish I could just not. jivfpvpjvjvoaajofvjopa Wish me luck, I guess.
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[135] Real Me, Inside

Feeling: cool
Heya, Sit Diary! So things have been going great lately (which is also probably why I haven't updated in a long while - I've been too busy!) I've lost about 50 lbs so far. I'm really glad that my dieting/hard work has been paying off. I told myself I'd get fit before my 25th birthday and it looks like I'll hit my goal by then. I've been studying a lot and am prepared to take my GED soon. I'm nervous but I feel like I know enough to pass. If I do, I'll be starting school in June/July so that'll be fun. I'll finally be a college student, woot! I've also been making more money at work which has really helped my morale and general ability to buy fun/nice things, so that's exciting too. I can't really complain about much, just stupid anxiety hitting me every now and then. But I'm doing my best to combat it little by little. I've been focusing on baking and stuff like that. I've been getting more people asking me to do things for their parties. Oh, and I'm almost done writing my next book! See, I said busy! :P I really want to update here more. This diary holds a special place in my heart. I never thought I'd be updating it over 10 years later (from when I first started it) but sometimes it's fun to read old entries and see how much I've changed/grown. I'll continue to do so and maybe I can look back and be proud of myself. I'm starting to get that feeling, I just want it to be fully realized. Someday soon. <3
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[134] All Things Pass

Feeling: antsy
Hey. So I'm sorry I haven't updated here in two months. I know I said I'd do daily updates but I just don't see that as likely for the time being. Maybe it'll happen again one day soon but I just don't have the time right now. In January I went to my bi-annual convention thingy and hung out with my friends again. It was so awesome to see the online crew / my new family. I had just as much fun as I always did. Not to mention the fact that I also became friends again with Topher / sorted that whole situation out which honestly meant the world to me. I missed his friendship more than anything and after it was resolved it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest. This past event was one of my favorites/the best event ever which is good because I said if it wasn't good I wouldn't go to anymore. Aside from that, I'm earning a lot more money than I used to which makes saving very easy and I can afford nice things for myself - the last 6 months were tight so it's nice to be back to a stable area. In addition, on Feb 1st I decided to start dieting and working towards the body I've always wanted. As of now, less an a month later, I am 15 lbs lighter and already feeling the effects. I have no plans to stop, either. I will be fit before my 25th birthday. Presently I'm just trying to find motivation for everything else I need to do. I really need to amp up my writing because I'm falling behind. I need to start streaming again. And I really need to further my attempts at baking as a job - like becoming a professional caterer. It's just so hard to find the drive for anything right now because I've been focusing so much on not over-eating and watching my weight. But I'll find the balance, I'm sure. I'm in a good place mentally for the first time in a while. And I hope it lasts. Later o/
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[133] Only One

Feeling: affectionate
Hey. So the last three days were awful but also good...in a weird way. It was the trio of Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day...so it should have been 100% awesome, right? Well no, wrong. For starters I had to get through an incredibly stressful weekend of work before the holidays which wasn't fun. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I made a crapton of money. And then after that, on Christmas Eve, I had to go Christmas shopping which last minute isn't fun. Thankfully a random shop in the mall was having a huge blowout sale (95% off everything!) so that tremendously helped with the budget. After I spent the first Christmas Eve with my mom in forever. Anthony and myself went out with her to eat at the local Chinese Buffet. However it wasn't entirely good because my asshole Uncle showed up and that was all kinds of awkward. Not to mention I ate SOMETHING bad and as a result got food poisoning. So...that wasn't fun. On Christmas I was still feeling ill but I powered through it and went to see Anthony's mom's family with him. I baked like 3 dozen cupcakes for the holidays. I was touched because I actually got stuff from his family (I'm used to his dad's side ignoring me & our relationship so that not happening was nice) we also had a nice conversation with his older sister and she made us both feel a lot better about where we are in our lives. And it also helped me to appreciate my relationship more because sometimes you take for granted the...benefit of having someone always there for you to help you through your struggles and Anthony has definitely helped me a lot. I'm not as anxietic, I'm better in social situations, and I can handle myself better without cutting or drinking. And now I'm helping him work through the anger his parents instilled in him. We're both broken but together we're whole and that's the important thing. Sometimes it's not about the most obvious thing but the little details in between. This holiday season has taught me so much about myself and my relationship and it's never going to be easy but it'll always be worth it.
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[132] Lose It All

Hey Sitdiary. Things have been going well. I've been pulling extra hours at the ol' warehouse and earning decent money...and as with most things in life, more money = better. I've been trying to start writing under a new penname and that's going okay I just need to find the motivation that I've been lacking. It seems like the surge of adrenaline I had two months ago has vanished and left me feeling empty inside. I want to finish my work so I can get it published. I want to succeed in my endeavors. It's just really awful when you have an overwhelming voice in the back of your head that tells you you're going to fail no matter what you do. Anxiety sucks. And I wish I didn't have it. Thanks, family. I guess there's nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and try my hardest to push back against the tide that keeps trying to drag me under. I just worry one day I won't be able to fight being dragged out to sea and I'll drown. I don't want that and the prospect is scary...but I can't help but thinking about it sometimes. I just wish I could be normal. In a perfect world I'd be anxiety-free, depression-free, straight, married, have my dream job, and have 2.5 kids by now. But this isn't a perfect world and that life was never meant for me.
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[131] Need a Scalpel

Feeling: beat
The past few weeks have been interesting. I've been writing a lot more and just trying to keep myself from going under with my anxiety/depression. It seems like it always hits me this time of year and I need to learn to force it down. It's so weird that right around the time of the holidays it hits me. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of the year? Ugh. I have a convention in a month and I'm sad because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I've not made much progress and I'm annoyed. I'm starting a regime tomorrow so that makes me happy. I'm just tired of stress eating and bake eating (I love baking but since I have to taste my own creations it gets fattening!) I hate that my family didn't teach me better eating habits when I was younger. Like they were perfectly okay with me drinking two 2-liter bottles of soda a day and eating 6 packages of ramen in two sittings. Is it any wonder why I was an obese pre-teen? Thankfully I'm not obese currently but I still have a long way to go before I'm in the body I want to be in. I just hope I can get there - you need a lot of will power which is something I've always lacked. I feel scared and...apprehensive. There's been a lot of changes in my life recently and I'm worried about how I'm going to handle them and how I'll deal with the ramifications if they cause problems. I hope that issues don't rise and I hope everything will remain stable but...you never know. And that's the scary thing. I don't feel like I write here as much as I should because it is cathartic and every therapist in the world recommends keeping a diary...maybe that'll be a New Years' Resolution - go back to doing daily entries again. We'll see when the time comes. Let's just focus on one a week until then. Maybe. :P Otherwise...I guess things are good.
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[130] Got Me Weak

Feeling: loved
Hey. It's been a while but I'm still active a year later (which is practically longer than I've ever been able to do consecutively which I feel like is a win on my part so hush) Yesterday, 11/14, marked my 7th year anniversary with Anthony. It's hard to believe we've been together for seven whole years. Sometimes it feels like we just got together and other days I can definitely feel each and every single day that I've been in this relationship. I won't go too much into what he means to me and how much our relationship has saved me because I covered that last year in an entry. I'll just say that I'm thankful we're still together a year later. People always lie and say when you love someone it comes easy. There is nothing easy about /love/ as an emotion. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do because you must learn to compromise which is hard for those people who are stubborn (ala me) and you must also learn how to be strong while being weakened. Love is strength because it can make you do things you never thought you were capable of doing, but it's also weakness. It's allowing someone to make you weak because you place your life, heart, and soul into their hands and hope they don't destroy you. When I think about the person I used to be and who I am now, I realize that in many ways my relationship has matured me. It's forced me to become more pragmatic and also taught me what love really was. So here's to another year, hell, a lifetime of happiness and devotion to each other. <3
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[129] Worse Seem Better

Feeling: anxious
Anxiety sucks. I know it should be an obvious thing because even the name doesn't sound attractive. For those who don't suffer with anxiety it's the constant feeling of fear. It's a constant voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you you're not good enough. It's the occasional explosion of an overwhelming weight that makes you feel suffocated. It's not being able to be left alone with your thoughts for too long or you'll go crazy. It's not fun. I've progressed so much with my anxiety that I'm shocked sometimes because I never thought I could and then there are days where it'll hit me and I'll feel like I made no progress at all. Those days suck. Majorly. I am trying to do so much with my life right now and I'm just scared none of it will work out. I'm scared I'll be a failure and let everyone who believes in me down. I'm currently finishing a novel up (my muse finally returned, yay!), working on a game, and also getting things ready to start my baking business. It's a lot but I need a lot or else my thoughts will drive me crazy. I really, really, really want to succeed in life it's just so hard. I have to be strong and tell the negative voice in my head (her name is Debra) to shut the fuck up and let me breathe. Let me be as successful as I know I'm destined to be. Let me prove to all the people who said I couldn't do something in my life that I CAN do it and I can do it better than they ever dreamed of. Than I ever dreamed of. I just want to make people proud of me. --- A few days ago Anthony and I went apple picking for the first time since last season. It was so much fun...and even though we got way too many apples and I now have a fridge of apples just waiting to be cooked, I want to go again. I love spending time with him. ^.^ Ok...that's enough for today.
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[128] Make It Right

Listening to: Simple Plan - Perfect
Feeling: scattered
So today was interesting. I ended up (after much debating) going to a party thrown by my aunt (on my dad's side). It was a birthday party/costume party for my 15 year old cousin. I enjoyed the ride there because I got to spend a lot of time with my sister (who was my "date") and we caught up a lot and just talked about life. It was interesting because I hadn't seen that side of the family in a few years, well, some of them I haven't seen since 2014 and others since 2008. When I was younger I held things against them I probably shouldn't have. I distanced myself from that side of the family because I blamed them for the shit my father put me through. How he was never there for me growing up and how I feel like he took advantage of my mother. I mean she was 14/15 when they got together and she had me not too long after...and he was in his 20s. Yeah. But of course my father was there and he was drunk (of course) and like he did his usual bullshit of hugging me and telling me how much he loved me and showing me off to his family members/friends that I haven't met before. It's really uncomfortable. I feel so awkward when he hugs me/shows me affection because I'm not used to it. And I don't know how to process it without going numb. Towards the end of the night he pulled me close and told me how sorry he was for everything he did - I guess him and my mom splitting, him not being there for me, etc. etc. and whatever else he could think of. I didn't know how to react and I still don't. I want to believe he meant the words he said. I want to believe that he knows how much he fucked up and that he knows he did wrong by me and really does want to rectify all of the pain/hurt he caused. but I know better. Why? Because he's said this shit before. He told me the same thing when I was 12/13 and he showed up randomly and said he'd take me to a baseball game/to the movies. He never showed. He told me the same shit when I was 16 and I visited him when he was drunk with his friend. He told the same thing to my aunt when I was 21 and she had her new baby. How he was sad we weren't close and how he missed all the years in my life. And now he's told me it when I'm 24. I don't need him anymore. I don't think I ever did because I had an amazing dad substitute. But like...I don't know why he keeps doing this to me. I wish he would just let me go. Pretend I don't exist. Stop with the empty promises. Stop with the comforting words that we both know he has no intention of following up on. It's not fair to me. It really isn't. "Hey Dad, I'm writing to you. Not to tell you that I still hate you, just to ask you how you feel. And how we fell apart. How this fell apart. Are you happy out there in this great wide world? Do you think about your son? When you lay your head down how do you sleep at night? Do you ever wonder if I'm alright. I'm alright."
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[127] Forget Where You Been

Feeling: reflective
Hey diary. So recently as a birthday present to a friend of mine I read a bunch of my early entries to him. See, he didn't know me back when I was 12/13/14/15 so he was excited to see the kind of person I was. Yeah, it lead to me cringing a lot but I got through it. It's interesting to read back and remember all the things I did and the person I was. I mean, I'm still the same person but I see things differently and have evolved beyond my old line of reasoning. I don't regret the things I did or the person I was because it helped shape my present and it also helped me to become a stronger person than I would have been otherwise. I wish I could go back in time and tell 12/13/14/15 year old me to not take things so seriously. That it seems bad now but in 10 years everything will be just fine. You'll be out of your grandmother's house. You'll be in a relationship (the one thing you've always wanted!) you'll have a purpose in life. You'll have dozens of friends - so many that you won't be able to keep up with them. You'll be wanted. You'll be loved. You don't have to be miserable now because everything you're feeling is just temporary and one day it'll all be so much better. Just be patient. I think so many people forget where they've come from and where they've been. And they end up forgetting why they got to where they are. If you forget your roots you lose your entire reason for being. I was pretty miserable when I was younger. I did a lot of cringy things (like "fall in love" too fast, try and force people to like me, care way too much about what people thought, dealt with more bullshit than I should have, etc) but as I said, I don't regret any of it because your experiences and memories shape you. If you're smart, they'll shape you for the better. If you're dumb, well, you'll never grow. I'm glad I've grown into a mostly okay person. I say mostly okay because I still make mistakes. I still have anger issues. I still take too much bullshit sometimes. And I still care about what people think of me. But I'm learning more and more every day and maybe one day it won't be the same. I hope 12/13/14/15 year old Mike...like if he could see me now, I hope he'd be proud of the man he turned into. Because I am proud of who I am.
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[126] Close Your Eyes

Feeling: worn
I can't believe it's almost going to be a year since I started writing here again. I look back on 2015 and it seemed so long. I went through so much stuff, did so many things, and grew so much as a person and it seemed to go on forever. And in comparison, 2016 seems so short. I don't know if time's just going faster or this year has just been uneventful - aside from the whole losing my house thing >.> I'm starting a new venture. I'm still not in writing mode but I've been baking a lot and I've learned to make what I've been told are super delicious cupcakes and I'm hoping to start catering weddings, parties, etc. I just really want to spread smiles and baking sweets for people is the best way for me to do that I think. I'm dealing with family bullshit drama again. My grandmother had me working for her and she ended up not paying me for 60% of the work I did and yet she has the balls to get mad at me for not wanting to help her anymore. I'm just so over her. And I'm over my cousin and her drama. I honestly hope they take away her baby because I can't stand to see my God Daughter abused/be in an abusive situation. It makes me sound heartless, I know, but honestly the baby would be better off with a new family than with her mother and father. My poor aunt doesn't need the stress of another kid in her life when she has a recent newborn. Ugh. I think one of the scariest feelings is not knowing what your place in the world is. Not only that but feeling like there's a time limit and if you don't find out by the end of the countdown you'll just be a shattered mess whom everyone hates. It's a silly fear but it...is very real. I hope I'm going in the right direction in my life. And I hope I'm making all the right choices.
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[125] Sing You A Lullaby

Feeling: depressed
Things are looking up, I believe. For one, the kid my brother stabbed is doing fine so that's good. There's still a court date so that'll be something to see if he gets off and I hope they take it easy on him. He's saying it was in self-defense so we'll see. I move into my new apartment tomorrow. God, it's beautiful. I'm really excited. And once I'm there I can begin working towards my new passion of opening a bakery. I'll be baking my heart out and showing the world what I can do. I just hope people are receptive. I'm still depressed because money is an issue. I'm not pulling in money like I used to because I haven't written a novel in over a year at this point, my short stories have been declining, and I don't have the law office job that I used to. I'm starting something temporary which could make me about 100 dollars a night so that'll be nice. I'm feeling disillusioned from some of my friends. I don't know if it's the situation I've been in or just...general fatigue but it's harder and harder for me to not be mad at them. Like I can normally brush it off but it's getting difficult to not go off - and I need to remember not to do that. Time seems to move so quickly. I hate it. I wish it would slow down so I can catch up with everything but I know that's not what it does. I just need to be able to breathe. I can't believe it's almost been a year since I started writing in this diary full time. I've managed 125 entries and it's not been a year yet. That's 1/3 - which is way better than my old track record. So I'm proud of myself. I wanted to do somewhat constant updates and record my thoughts and I've managed for the most part. Maybe next year I could manage to do 2-3 a week and aim for 200. We'll see. A character from one of the new shows I discovered has a favorite saying and I think it's time to embrace that. Essentially; if you look hard enough at any situation you can see good and you can see bad. Some people choose to only see the bad. But you can also choose to see the good. I'm going to choose to start seeing the good more than the bad. In less than 24 hours I will have made about 100 dollars, I'll be in my own house, and I'll be one step closer to my destiny. Not too shabby at all.
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[124] Just An Outcast

Feeling: helpless
I don't know if You can hear me Or if You're even there I don't know if You will listen To a humble prayer They tell me I am just an outcast I shouldn't speak to You Still, I see your face and wonder Were You once an outcast, too? Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I know my last entry left things on a cliffhanger. Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others. I went to a con with friends. It's the one I go to every summer and it definitely helped me raise my morale and perspective on things as only friends can do. It was also the first drama free one in a long time...which was good. Sure there were small incidents but they were just that - small. My cousin isn't moving in. Her mother put an end to that crap. Oh, we got back and we found a place to move into that's reasonable and not bad! So yeah, we're leaving at the end of this month which makes me very happy. Today I got some scary news. My brother stabbed someone. Yup, you read that correctly. He stabbed someone and my mother was at the police station with him. I'm nervous. I hope he didn't do it. There's a chance he didn't and is just covering for someone. He's that type of person he'd rather go down than betray a friend...he's very troubled and has been going through things the last year or so. I don't know if he knows how bad our mother's heart is or how much strain he's putting on her. I'm worried for his future and I'm worried for hers. One of the good things of my mother having me so young is that she's supposed to be in my life a long time. I don't want that to be cut short because of stress. But on the other hand she could have been more on top of things with him. Damn it. I think no matter what the outcome today, lives will be ruined. As it stands the boy/victim is in the hospital and they don't know how he's doing / if he'll survive. If you pray, please pray for my family.
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[123] Been My Home

Feeling: violated
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so angry right now. My grandmother, after promising to NOT move my cousin in here, agreed to let her move in. FUCK. I don't want to deal with this bullshit and I do not need the stress. I'm tired of everyone giving in and letting her make a mess of her life and always being there to catch her when she falls - thus NEVER letting her learn her lesson. I don't understand. I don't understand how she received all of the tools needed for life on a silver plattered, squandered them, and everyone just acts like it's no big deal and treats her like a damn victim. I can't live with her. I did it once and itwasn't a good situation. I do not want to deal with her and become a built in babysitter / endure her abusing her child. I can't handle this bullshit anymore. Now I have to move AGAIN in less than two months because everyone in my family is so damn unreliable. FUCK.
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