So today was interesting.

I ended up (after much debating) going to a party thrown by my aunt (on my dad's side). It was a birthday party/costume party for my 15 year old cousin.

I enjoyed the ride there because I got to spend a lot of time with my sister (who was my "date") and we caught up a lot and just talked about life.

It was interesting because I hadn't seen that side of the family in a few years, well, some of them I haven't seen since 2014 and others since 2008.

When I was younger I held things against them I probably shouldn't have. I distanced myself from that side of the family because I blamed them for the shit my father put me through. How he was never there for me growing up and how I feel like he took advantage of my mother. I mean she was 14/15 when they got together and she had me not too long after...and he was in his 20s. Yeah.

But of course my father was there and he was drunk (of course) and like he did his usual bullshit of hugging me and telling me how much he loved me and showing me off to his family members/friends that I haven't met before. It's really uncomfortable. I feel so awkward when he hugs me/shows me affection because I'm not used to it. And I don't know how to process it without going numb.

Towards the end of the night he pulled me close and told me how sorry he was for everything he did - I guess him and my mom splitting, him not being there for me, etc. etc. and whatever else he could think of.

I didn't know how to react and I still don't.

I want to believe he meant the words he said. I want to believe that he knows how much he fucked up and that he knows he did wrong by me and really does want to rectify all of the pain/hurt he caused. but I know better.

Why? Because he's said this shit before.

He told me the same thing when I was 12/13 and he showed up randomly and said he'd take me to a baseball game/to the movies. He never showed.

He told me the same shit when I was 16 and I visited him when he was drunk with his friend.

He told the same thing to my aunt when I was 21 and she had her new baby. How he was sad we weren't close and how he missed all the years in my life.

And now he's told me it when I'm 24.

I don't need him anymore. I don't think I ever did because I had an amazing dad substitute. But like...I don't know why he keeps doing this to me. I wish he would just let me go. Pretend I don't exist. Stop with the empty promises. Stop with the comforting words that we both know he has no intention of following up on. It's not fair to me. It really isn't.

"Hey Dad,

I'm writing to you.

Not to tell you that I still hate you,

just to ask you how you feel.

And how we fell apart.

How this fell apart.

Are you happy out there in this great wide world?

Do you think about your son?

When you lay your head down

how do you sleep at night?

Do you ever wonder if I'm alright.

I'm alright."