Boy that sucks. The drainpipe from the kitchen sink is rotted out. That's what happens when you use metal pipes for drains. I wonder whose idiot idea that was. I wonder if they had PVC back in 1964. Probably not. It was kind of fun tearing out the ceiling though. When I walked into the bathroom and noticed that it was dripping water, I got a pan and tore into the ceiling with a pry rod. It was fun. Now there's a mess I need to clean up. That'll cost a few grand to replace. That should make my parents happy. And we have to do it ASAP too if we want to use the kitchen sink anytime soon. I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me to get to work. I shouldn’t be here typing. I should be studying.

A very strange thing happened yesterday. But strange as it was, it was nice, and I did not care if it seemed strange. I'm not exactly sure what to think about it. I mean, I broke up with her a year ago, and here I am going on some random car ride on an obscure day in April. But I didn't mind. I had almost forgotten, but not quite. What it's like to hold her hand. What it's like to sit side by side in the car with my arm around her. What it's like to kiss those perfect lips. What it's like to gently stoke her face and admire the beauty of such an angel. What it's like to have that content feeling when she lays in my lap, and all the world seems to fade away and the only thing that matters is me and her. What it's like to feel her warmth as she leans into me, and that scent that sparks so many pleasant memories. What it's like to draw her close to me and embrace her, her head on my chest and my arms tight around her. What it's like to take her in my arms and lovingly rock her back and forth, hoping that in some way she'll understand just how much I care about her. Seriously, what if...

Everything is falling into place now. I have my mission call. I know what I'm doing with my life. I don’t' have to go at it alone. Finally, life is good. Illinois Chicago North Mission. That's where I'll be for the next two years. I enter the MTC on May 9th. On that day, I say goodbye to this life and put it in the back of my mind. People, places, things, events, all put aside as I take upon myself a new task. I don't think about what life will be like when I come back. I don't exactly have anything waiting for me, but that doesn't seem to matter. I don't have any fear any more. There really is nothing to be afraid of. I wonder why people reject this message. Why would anyone forsake it? It doesn't make sense. I hope everyone fares well. I hope the best for those whom I call my friends, and I sincerely pray for the best for those who would have me to be their enemy. There is no point to hate. I don't hate anyone. I refuse.

They say everything happens for a reason. Is that what's happening to me? I keep getting more and more delayed in sending my papers in. Most of the things that delay me are beyond my control. Believe me, I wanted to go on my nineteenth birthday, but that didn't happen. And it probably won't for several more months. I still haven't sent my papers in. They've been done for a month, but for some reason I just haven't gotten to the point where the stake president can submit them. And now something else weighs on my mind constantly. I want to join the marines. Should I do it now, or wait until after my mission. If I join now, It could be as soon as two or three weeks until I'm down at basic training. Also, When I get done with basic and tech school, I'll then be able to go on my mission. That delay will be about seven more months. Of course I'd have to join the reserves to do that, but when I come back I could always switch to active duty. Pros: (1)The marines is the hardest and most challenging of all the branches of the military. It's those challenges that make you who you are and give you the self-confidence and dedication to do just about anything. (2)I would be able to earn the rest of the money I need for my mission and then some. (3)When I return, I won't have to worry about finding a job. (4)The benefits that the federal government provides are second to none. (5)The military is a great place to raise a family. My dad was in the Air Force for 12 years. I was Born on an Air Force base and raised on one. I cannot thank my dad enough for providing me with that. The stability and consistency that was existent in my childhood, not to mention the discipline, Is what's kept me out of any real trouble. I'm a good kid, I really am, and I can thank the military for that. Cons: When I sign that paper, I'm literally singing my life away for four years. And if I join before my mission, what happens if I have a change of heart during it? When I'm on my mission, it would be nice not to have to worry about having to go back to the marines when I get home. I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I'm not really fond of reality. It seems like the responsibilities of adulthood are heaped onto you all and once and you don't have any time to breathe. Bring it on.

Finally, finally, it happened. The moment I've been waiting for for years. I was patient, but always looking for a chance. Ben saw it, and after that, I was the last one left. But not anymore. Tonight it happened. It finally happened to me. What is it, you ask? What could possibly be worth years of waiting for? What sort of event would mark a turning point in my life, you say? Well I'll tell you. I saw Patrick's dad without his toupee on! I feel as though I have reached a milestone in my life. Where my future takes me from here, only I can determine that. I feel stronger now, like I have more purpose in my life. It seems as if this has wrought a change in me, and I now have a very strong desire to do what is right in the world and do whatever it takes to prevent hair loss. What a noble cause. This experience has given me a greater appreciation for hair, and I can understand why us men do all that we can to desperately hold on to what we have. Hair is a status symbol. It shows strength, integrity, and leadership. Without it, we are nothing. With it, there is nothing we cannot achieve. Thus we see how important it is, and how crucial it becomes to our very survival. This is not to be taken lightly. We must do all we can to preserve this essential part of our existence.

It's kinda interesting to see what kind of people leave comments on this diary. It never really was intended to be a discussion on my thoughts, but whatever. It matters not. What does matter, however, is I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday and have since recovered speedily. I am quite impressed at how fast I've recovered. Here it is Monday, and you really couldn't tell I had them out just three days ago. They gave me hydrocodon/ibuprofen for pain and swelling and what not. It's really not that impressive of a drug. When I take it yeah I feel slightly dizzy, and I wouldn't be able to drive a car to save my life, but still, it's pretty mild stuff. It does the job though. So I have a date this Saturday. I'm pretty excited. I guess you could say it's an obligation, but then again it really isn't. You see, I wanted to ask her out, but she beat me to it. So now I "owe" her one. Which is what I’m doing this Saturday. It's been awhile since I've been on a date where I've asked the girl. Dating really isn't on top of my list of things to do. Nonetheless, it serves its purposes, which purposes are worthwhile. Man, the women I work with were so excited that I had asked this girl out. It was weird. I mean, here are two married women, and the happiest I've ever seen them is when I told them that I asked out this girl. One of them told me that I gave her hope for society. Ok... Well, I've decided to take some more institute classes this semester. On Tuesdays, I have Mission Preparation. Go figure. On Wednesdays, I have Book of Mormon A . My fiancée is in that class with me. Ok so she's not really my fiancée, and in fact, she's five years older than me, but its fun for us to pretend like we're engaged. She's pretty cute. If she's around when I come back, I just might look her up. I think I'm promised to six women now. How weird is that. If all goes well, my papers will be in next Sunday. I am now the last guy in my ward that doesn't have their call. The situation's getting desperate. I have to go, and quick. Guess I'll just study and read everything in sight. Nothing left to do now except end and wait for the intriguing comments that may or may not come. I really like this Nickelback CD.

For some reason, I keep having nightmares. Not as scary as they are disturbing. In one of them, I witnessed a massacre. It was at some kind of dance, so there were a lot of people. I was standing on the side on a balcony overlooking everyone when soldiers, from some foreign country, stormed in at every door and unloaded their weapons on everyone there. Later, I recall, I was part of a resistance group that was trying to overthrow these invaders that had taken over our entire country. In another dream I had just last night, I think I was in the Marines of something, and I was right in the middle of a firefight in Iraq. All of a sudden, we were commanded to don our chemical protection suits, and no sooner than after that command was given, this weird gas was released that just completely ate the flesh of the enemy right before our eyes. They were too horrific to describe. They were everywhere too. They were in between us all. Their rotting bodies just walking around us. We started mowing them down, but they were everywhere, and we were hampered by our suits. It was horrible. I remember one of them taking a swing at me and cutting a hole in my suit at my head. And it hurt too. I swear I felt pain. I was rushed to the medical tent, where I was told I had just a few seconds to live. I got dizzy, collapsed, then died. I remember dying. Why am I having nightmares all of a sudden? I know what I'm doing with my life. Why is there all this confusion in my dreams? My dreams all involve war. I don't really like war, but I know it's necessary. I agree with the war in Iraq. I would much rather fight them there than here. If we pull back, it won't be long before they regroup and attack us. Remember, it's because they drew first blood that we're over there in the first place. How can anyone forget that? I've thought long and hard about this. When I return from my mission, I really am considering joining the Marines. And I hope they stick me on the front lines. That's where I feel I can do the most good.

Alright fine. I'm going. I've decoded to leave for my mission as soon as I can. I'm not going to have all the money I'll need but somehow that doesn't seem to matter. I just want to go. I turn 19 in January. That's way too close, but it's still not soon enough. There's still quite a bit I need to do to prepare, but I know I'll be ready in time. I talked to my Aunt Heidi a few nights ago to give her an update on my life. It's really nice having wealthy relatives. She's paying for ALL of my college. All of it. Every last fee and textbook. Pretty Sweet. She lives about 30 Miles away from Berkley. This works out really well because I plan on going to U of C Berkley When I come home. It costs around $30,000 a semester though. I at least want to get my Generals done at USU just because it’s cheaper. My aunt asked me if I wanted to fly out sometime to California and tour Berkley. I'll be doing that right before I leave probably. It'll be a nice vacation. I could really use one right now. All I do is work and go to institute. I need a break. I'm almost to the halfway mark on my papers. There's quite a bit to do. I still have to get a physical. Not really looking forward to that, but the hypochondriac in me is pretty excited. I need a car. Just not yet. I want around 00' or 01' model Toyota Tacoma. I'll settle for an Impala though. I just want something with power. No more four-bangers.

Well, I did it. I asked out Kiley. When I got to her house, her dad was there this time to meet me. The cool thing was, I wasn't afraid of him. He put on the whole tough guy persona, but I didn't really care. I'm not saying that I don't respect him, because I do. I'm saying that I wasn't afraid of him because I knew that I wouldn't do anything stupid on the date. I had no doubt that I was able to maintain mine as well as her standards. I picked her up at seven and went ice skating. I thought it was a pretty good idea because it gave us ample opportunity to talk. Once again, I found that both of us had no shortage of things to talk about. And it wasn't stupid stuff either. We actually had serious conversations, short though they were. We even talked about marriage. Well, not between us. But it's fun to say that and see people's reactions. After ice skating, I took her out to eat at Wingers. She'd never been there before. Pretty cool. We took our time eating, again conversing amongst ourselves. After that, I took her home. Her curfew was at midnight, and I had her home by 10:30. I think I scored a few points with her dad that way. The thing I liked most about spending time with Kiley is that she is on the same spiritual level as I am. I had no idea how nice that could be. I felt like I could talk to her about things like that. Apparently, both of our favorite stores is Deseret Book. I feel like I have to treat Sara like a two year old. Spiritually, that's what she is. And it frustrates the heck out of me that she seems to not care that much. I mentioned this to my bishop and he informed me that if she would not seek help on her own, we were under obligation to make help go to her. And she probably won't like it. The weird thing is, I feel like I sin if I so much as touch her arm. In other words, Derek, stay away from her. I have work for you to do. General Conference is next week! Man I can't wait for it! I'm going to take notes, lots of notes. I had a thought. After Priesthood session, I'm going to go out with some girl and tell her every thing I learned. I'm thinking maybe Arielle, but I'm still undecided. If I can't take her, it would be fun to take Shanna, and probably less stressful because she's 23. Either way, I want to talk to SOME girl just so I can remember what I was taught and so I can teach someone who wasn't able to be there. "So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." (Romans 10: 17) I want to go already.

I'm taking three institute classes this fall semester. And I'm not even in college. Lectures on Faith on Tuesdays, Writings and Memoirs of Joseph Smith on Wednesdays, and Teachings of the Living Prophets on Thursdays. Pretty sweet. My schedule is packed with church stuff. In other news, I still can't feel much in my middle finger. I guess I must've got it pretty good. I cut through all the muscle and obviously a few nerves. I think I got all the way down to the bone. I had my stitches removed yesterday and I can tell that there's going to be some pretty crazy scaring when it fully heals. Can't wait to see it. I borrowed Randy's One-X CD. The song Over and Over kind of reminds me of myself. However, I really like Gone Forever. In addition, Get Out Alive is what I should've listened to before I got serious with her. Every one is pressuring me to go on my mission as soon as possible. Believe me, I want to, but I just want to wait a few months. I still feel like I need to prepare more, and strengthen my faith. I guess that's why I'm taking all these classes. "Faith comes by hearing the word of God." I can say that's true. Between institute and serious studying, my faith has definitely increased. I really really really need to ask out a girl. I need to get my mind off things. I would like to ask Kiley. After that, I don't really know. I just need to go on a date. But then that creates another problem: what do I do for a date? Ice skating, corn maze, dinner & movie, or something completely different. I don't really know. I'm debating whether or not I should go to this mission reunion with Shanna. I mean, she's 23, and I'm only 18. Actually, I think it would be really funny. I guess I should brush up on my Spanish because it's the Argentina Buenos Aires mission. I typed pretty well with this finger. I hope I regain feeling in it soon. It's very disturbing not being able to feel it. Whenever I bump it, the nerves tingle like crazy. Who is she?

So there I was once again, a missionary for the Martin Harris Pageant. Except this time, I was at the entrance greeting people instead of sitting at the booth and waving at people as they passed by. It was awesome! Some people would walk up, and you could tell that they seemed not very happy, or they were worried about something. As soon as we said hi, and talked to them a little bit, they walked away with a more cheerful countenance. It was really neat to see the effect you had on people, and to make their day a little brighter. There were was anti-Mormon group there again. I wonder why people want to spread confusion about us. It's never made sense to me. I felt bad for them because they didn't know what they were doing. Unfortunately, the police showed up and arrested the leader of the group. The other six got the hint and left. It really is sad to see people completely stand up for something that they know deep down is not true. Why they deny it, I have no idea. When the pageant started, us missionaries went down to go watch it. There were seven of us: Cody, Jaren, Chad, Shanna, Heidi, Sylia, and me. We went up to the side of the seats and started looking for a place to sit. The place was packed, and we figured there was no where to sit. Lo and behold, not far away from where we were standing and no one in the way, was a spot on a bench just big enough for all of us. We all sat down and the next thing we knew, there were Fatboys being passed to us. Apparently, a family that we sat close to had a whole big box of seconds. And the blessings don't stop there. We had a long blanket spread over our laps that we could just put our arms under. As it got colder, it just wasn't enough. Before it got too cold however, I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around to see the people behind us putting blankets on us! Needless to say, we were all very grateful, and realized that these were direct blessings from the Lord for the service we had done. It was pretty cool. Our immediate needs were taken care of, and we were able to watch the pageant in comfort. Afterwards, while walking back to our cars, we talked about meeting and Village Inn to eat. I wanted to, because I hadn't eaten for awhile and was pretty hungry. I went home and changed then drove myself there. When I got there, it was around 11:30. I went in and discovered that the only other people who came were Shanna and Heidi. I sat down next to Shanna and ordered what I wanted. It was really cool being it just the three of us. Shanna served a mission in Argentina, so she talked a lot about that. It was really interesting to hear her stories, and made me that much more determined to go on one. We were there for over an hour. I think I made some new friends. All in all, I really enjoyed being a missionary, and the blessings that came with it. Now I'm even more excited to serve a full time mission! Man I can't wait to go. Even though I was in the presence of return missionaries the whole night, I didn't feel out of place. In addition, they treated me with respect, as one preparing for a mission. I liked it. I had a good time.

Alright, for those of you who think I'm an a**hole, (I won't mention any names) all I have to say is this: You're not worth my time. You're either arrogant or just plain stupid. Or both. Either way, people who try to pick fights with me end up being the bigger looser. I'm not out to fight people. I'm not out to change anyones mind or make them see my point of view. Freak, I don't really care what you think of me. This is between Sara and I. Butt out. Please. For your sakes. No one knows what Sara and I talk about with each other, or how we regard or feel about each other except us. For those of you who want to judge her or me, or both of us together, you'll probably just come up with something very far from reality. Shame on you. Freakin grow up already. This just sucks. Why do stupid things have to happen? Seriously, what the heck do I do know? Guess I should just keep preparing for my mission huh. Guess I should just try to keep myself "pure" and "clean" shoudn't I. Hmm, well, I least I'm trying to make something of my life now aren't I. You don't know me, Teresa.

I met two girls this weekend Yesterday, Saturday, I was once again moping around and complaining that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. Ben was in Oregon and without him, it just seems weird to hang out with Patrick. Don't really know why. It just is. In the midst of my woes, I figured I'd just bite the bullet and call someone. That someone just happened to be Laisha Neff, whom I know from dance. Too bad she didn't get home until freakin' nine in the evening. Therefore, at the last minute, I had to pull something out of my head for us to do. It was too late to catch a movie, and she had to be home by eleven. So here's what we did. I picked her up from her house (She cut her hair) and took her back to mine where we took my dogs for a walk around the block. I know, kinda lame, but it was actually fun, and the stupid dogs didn't behave too badly. After that, I took her to Charlie’s were we waited in line at the drive through for like, 20 minutes. We sat in the car in the parking lot with the light on and ate our shakes, spending way more time talking than eating. For all of those who say I'm not social and don't talk, in your face. I make it a point to talk and get to know people better. I am social and I'm not afraid to talk to girls! Anyway, I dropped her off at her house, where we talked on her porch for well over an hour. It was freakin' awesome. We sure had a lot to talk about. Laisha is not shy at all, so I felt very comfortable talking to her. Both of us seemed to have everything to say, and we just had a good time. I found out that she asks blunt questions, and I told her I give blunt answers. She asked me about Sara. And I answered her. I told her the situation without giving too many details, and repeatedly expressed my desire to not associate with her because of the idiot choices she made. She seemed to understand me. Like I said, I felt very comfortable talking to her. At a little after midnight, we said goodbye. Though not what I'd call a formal date, we still had a good time. I think I'll ask her out again, for real this time. Now then onto the other girl. My dad's fried Mike came over today to look at his Trans Am that we have in our garage. This time, he brought his daughter with him. She was pretty fine. Very fine. Okay, so we all went out to the garage and Mike started up the car. Man that thing’s awesome. We he pulls it out and we wash all the dust off of it. After that, using my detailing skills I've acquired from work, I proceeded to clean it. Well, just the windshield really. But it was pretty dirty. Now, this whole time, I tried to focus my attention on the car, but I admit that a number of times my eyes may have wondered over to his daughter. Oh yeah, her name's Melissa. So her and I are sitting in the car; she's in the driver's seat and I'm on the other side cleaning the window. Yeah, we totally hit it off. I think. Anyway, to make it brief, she invited me for a ride. Pretty cool. Too bad her dad was driving though. I had to sit in the back. Melissa and I then traded seats after a little while, and of course I was a gentleman and pushed the seat up to give her more room. So yeah, um, it was cool. Too bad she lives in Layton or something. So there you have it. Two girls in one weekend. Pretty sweet. Now what do I do

Life goes on. That's the cold hard truth. As much as I want to, I can't go back and change the past. We all just have to learn to live with what's happened. Relationship's change, and dreams get shattered, but we all just have to do the best we can for the most people. I found that the best way to get rid of memories is to replace them with new ones. But what type of memories do I want? I have many things to look forward to in life. Right now, I have a good job working in an auto body repair shop, I have a pretty decent car, and I have plenty of money for dates and fuel. On a more religious note, I hold the Melchizedek Priesthood, and I do every thing I can to keep myself clean and pure, worthy to be called an Elder in the church. I have a mission to look forward to in less than a year. For two years, I will give myself completely to the Lord's work and be able to become close to perfect, having an unyielding faith, a deeper understanding of eternal principles, and charity towards everyone. Back to now, there are things that I must do. I need to go on dates. There are plenty of girls I would like to take out and spend an evening with to get to know them better and treat them with the utmost respect. I also need to maintain a positive outlook on life. I know that I have everything going for me, but sometimes I ask myself what I'm doing here. No more of that. I have too many things to loose. In the blink of an eye, I can loose everything. But I will not let that happen. There is nothing more important in my life right now than preparing for and serving an honorable full time mission. I know that I have many friends whom I can count on that can edify me in that calling, and I know that I must not lean on myself, but rather on God. I will not make him cry for me.

I went out with Arielle tonight. I've been wanting to do that for awhile, and I finally got the courage to ask her. The date went extremely well. It was way cool. Easily one of the best dates I've ever been on. Here's how it started. I was kind of complaining to my mom that I didn't really have anyone to go out with because I figured everyone still thought I had a girlfriend. My mom responded to this by saying that I need to suck it up and ask. So I did. I didn't think it would be that scary, but it was. I didn't know her phone number, so I had to go to her house and ask her out face to face. That was freakin' scary. Man I was nervous. It didn't help either that her family was within earshot. I've done some scary and nerve-wracking things in my life, and that one approaches the top of the list. I couldn't use my car for the date. I found out earlier that my car needs a new passenger side axel, so using it was out of the question. Not a problem. My mom's car is nicer anyway, and far more comfortable. After I washed it, I did a full detail on it. I don't think I ever cleaned that car so thoroughly before. That thing was shining, inside and out. I picked her up at 8 at her house. We then headed over to Wingers, where I missed the turn off and had to go around the stupid block. Oh well. There was plenty of time to kill. She said she's never been to Wingers before, so it was kinda cool to take her there. We took our time eating. In fact, we spent more time talking than eating. We didn't really shut up. We seemed to have everything to talk about. We finished eating at around 9:30, then headed on out to Lewiston to watch the fireworks. She said that she had also never been to Lewiston either. Bonus. So we get out there, and run into the usual traffic. We somehow managed to find a spot close to the fireworks. We took the same way in as I did last year, and sat in nearly the same spot. I had told her that it would be pretty close to where they'd be shooting them off from, and I wasn't kidding. The fireworks were pretty cool, and lasted for about 20 minutes or so. The cool thing about seeing the fireworks with Arielle was that it was just a pretty casual thing. I mean we got a parking spot close to where we sat, we only had to walk about 50 yards from the car, and the fireworks started not even five minutes after we got there. It wasn't a huge ordeal. It wasn't an ordeal at all. I didn't feel any stress about seeing them with her alone. I liked it. After the fireworks, we went and got smoothies at Cold Stone. We went outside to eat them because it was nice out. Again we talked. In fact, really the only time we didn't speak much was while watching the fireworks. Every other time it seemed like we had something to say. After that we drove around for a few minutes, showed her for some reason where club NVO was (still trying to figure out why) then figured the night was done. I really enjoyed going out with Arielle. Even though it was just the two of us the whole time, it didn't seem awkward or stressful at all. You'd think seeing fireworks together on a first date and it being just the two of us would be a little weird, but I didn't think it was at all. I thought it was a pretty good choice. I really like how we talked the whole time, and how she seemed to care about what I had to say. She was always asking different questions, and always seemed interested in everything. She was nice. Nice to me. She didn't have anything negative to say about anything. And it didn't seem like she was just pretending to be nice. She really is a kind person at all times. I didn't feel like she was just tolerating me, or looking for things I was doing wrong. She seemed to really have a good time. In no way did she appear to be stressed or anxious. And the cool thing was, I wasn't either. At no point during the entire night did I ever wonder if she wasn't having a good time. She made me feel like I was doing everything right. I never felt a twinge of stress. That was definitely one of the best dates I've ever been on. Probably because it felt like we were both sincere about everything. Nothing was pretended or forced. Yes, it was a good date. I hope I can take her out again. I want to, and I will. There are a few other girls I'd like to take out too, but I think the date we had tonight will always be held a little above the rest.

I wonder what it will be like when she comes back.

Man this kinda sucks. Ever since she left for the summer to work in Wyoming, it's been kind of hard. For one thing, she seems to be doing everything she can to forget about me. Also, I'm remembering every little thing we ever did together last summer. I remember everything. Every little detail, from fireworks to car rides at night to talking in the park. It's all coming back. These memories seem to like to torment me when I can't do anything about them. I don't like memories of things I may never have again. Well, I think I've decided what to do. My feelings for her have not wavered at all. But I can't do much about it unless she is willing. All I can do is wait patiently and become a better person. Man I want her back.

Anything negative I've ever said, thought, or felt about Sara, forget it. When it comes down to it, those were just moments, destined to be forgotten about as soon as I look into her eyes and see just how much love she has for me. What right did I have to ever be angry at her, when I myself am imperfect? What example of patience have I set for her when I've gotten angry? There are so many things I did wrong... I let her down. I'm beginning to feel as she did. It's horrible. This feeling inside of you that won't go away and it just keeps tearing you up and you can't do anything about it except punch something then weep like a little kid. Then you look at a photo and you wonder if it were possible to start over again and you get this feeling of hope as you think about rushing to her and hold her in your arms and say something... What would I say? All the things I've said and done to her these past two months has made me want to, and I won’t sugar coat this, kill myself. I did it the wrong way, and for that she will never be able to look me or anyone else in the eye and know that she will always be loved and never be hurt. I pour over memories of her, and it is then that I realize again that she really loved me, with all her heart. She adored me, and I have never been so lucky or happy in my entire life as I was when I held her in my arms and told her I loved her, and she uttered those same words back. My life seems pointless now. Ever since we broke up, I've only pretended to move on. I'm tired of pretending, and it's starting to show. You'd think two months would be plenty of time to move on, but no. It is near impossible to live life without her. The only thing to my life now is school and work. That's all I can do. I want so bad just to run to her and tell her how sorry I am. I know I've already done it a few times before, but I really want to do it again, because I know how she's been feeling all along. However, I think I'm too late. She once told me I held to the keys to her heart, and that she's let me back into her life whenever I asked. Sara, did you really mean that? Without her, I am incomplete. Sara, I am sorry that you did not have me for Valentine’s Day. I'm sorry that you had to cry your self to sleep. I'm sorry that you couldn't sleep. I'm sorry that I ignored you. I'm sorry that I asked you to move out of my locker. I'm sorry that you have to find your own way to school. I'm sorry that you've felt stupid when you’re with me. I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry you can't find comfort in me anymore. I'm sorry that I broke up with you. So here I am, prostrated on the ground crying, weeping, and growling in agony. I feel your pain. It comes to me constantly. I say to myself "what have I done to her...” then the pain hits me, and shoots through me so coldly, "this is what I did to her..." I can barely breath, and the guilt is making me want to explode, and cease existing. This guilt is terrible. I now know what I put her through. I sit up, clinging to life, and I wonder why I can't move. But that doesn't matter. I fall back down to the floor and look up at the ceiling. And the memories come. Memories...there are so many of them...they were so happy...we were so happy.... And then I feel nothing at all. Sara, will you let me into your life again? Will you let me hold you and protect you, and show you that I've learned a very important lesson? Will you forgive me? Will you love me? I'll love you. I still love you. That hasn't changed. It never will. I'm so sorry...

List of reasons why Sara pisses me off: 1... Never mind. It doesn't do any good to fume about people. _____________________________________________ This entry is pointless

I figured out why I even created this journal in the first place. It's sort of like a way I deal with things that Sara has said or done, or has somehow caused me to ponder. I went to AutoZone around seven this evening to try to get an alternator for my car. Unfortunately, the money I transferred into my account hadn't cleared yet, so I went back home. When I arrived, my dad mentioned to me that Sara had called. When I asked what she wanted, he said she didn't say anything. Hmmmmm... Did she need to tell me something? Was it important? Did she need me for something? It was really starting to eat at me, so I just figured I'd track her down and ask. I called her dad, and he wasn't much help. He just told me that she went to Kirsten's and Natalie's houses to pick them up to go somewhere. I then called Kirsten's mom, and found out they were going ice skating. At this point, I had no idea what she wanted now. I had to go back to AutoZone, this time with cash. The ice rink was on the way, so I decided to stop by real quick and find out what she wanted. Bad mistake. I went inside and stood at the edge of the rink. When she saw me, her smile turned to a frown, and she came hesitantly over to me. Trying not to seem put off, I asked her what she wanted when she called me. This was her reply: "I was just going to tell you not to come over because we're having girl's night." She said as if I had just rudely interrupted their good time. Why couldn't she tell my dad that? He just would've relayed the message and then I would've known. She then proceeded to ask why the crap I would hunt her down just to ask her why she called. I really didn't have an answer. I wanted to know what she wanted, so I stopped by on the way into town to ask her. At the time it seemed like an okay idea, but looking back, I probably should've just gone straight to AutoZone and straight home. I asked her if she was mad at me, and she said she was a little annoyed. She thought it was stupid of me to track her down just to find out what she wanted, and I felt even worse when she told me. She then asked me why it was "every time" she went out, I hunted her down. By this time her friends were getting annoyed with me, which didn't help. I wanted to be gone a lot sooner, but now I was in the middle of a lecture of sorts. I'm really sorry I did that. I guess it is kind of silly to track someone down just to ask what they wanted. I really didn't mean to make her angry at me, or interrupt their fun. I feel like I just ruined their whole night. I felt rejected. I mean, my own girlfriend didn't want me there, and let me know it. I just had this vision of me standing at the edge of the rink, waiting for her to see me and when she did, she would smile and skate towards me with delight, pleased with this unexpected surprise. I guess that was too much to ask for. I don't really blame her. I was an idiot. I'm never doing that again.