I want to marry her. Whoa that was kind of bold. I'm only 17. But I'm not getting married until I'm at least 21. I'll be off of my mission by then. What to do, what to do... I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. She says she can see herself spending the rest of her life with me. Is this the spirit telling us this or is it just our own wishes? Someone please help me. I'm going to go be alone for awhile later today. I'm going to go read the scriptures, then pray and pray until I receive some comfort about this issue. We're taught not to have boyfriends/girlfriends at our age, so why was I told to go to Sara? I guess it's like when God commanded Nephi to kill Laban, even though killing is against one of the commandments. Oh well. He knows what He's doing. We don't. So Sara keeps calling herself "second-best". That really pisses me off. Have you ever loved someone so much you just wanted to smack them upside the head? She says I might find "the best" when I come off my mission and if I don't find anyone, I'll just marry her as a last resort. Those are her own words. Yeah, pisses me off so much that I just want to yell and scream in her face but at the same time cry at her feet. I don't care what she thinks of herself. She is the BEST in my eyes. Why can't I make her understand? I know how I see her, and I have a good feeling I know how God sees her. Honestly. Grow up Sara. I asked my mom what she saw in mine and Sara's future. She said she saw me serving an honorable mission, then coming back and most likely marrying Sara. My mom also said that Sara needs to grow up a little because she's not really mature enough for me. My mother is a very smart woman. And you know what else? She's right. She is always right. She says the reason I don't want her to talk about me marrying someone else is because I'm scared of that thought. No duh. Let's ask a question. Do people get married, expecting to divorce? No they don't. So what is the point of having this relationship with Sara? She says it's to learn and have fun. Yeah right. These types of relationships tend to deprive people our age of that. So it's really puzzling why I was commanded to go to her. Am I temporary, or permanent? My job, the reason I was told to go to her, was to help her. She has put her life in my hands. Am I supposed to get so close to someone, only to have them taken away with no hope at all of ever seeing them again? "The night goes on as I'm fading away, I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream...." I want to scream and yell right now. I want to take my car and do some really insane stupid stuff with it to blow of steam. I want to go fast. Really really fast. I want to punch something so hard it shatters. I want to love her for the rest of my life.