wow. things are so different. everything is so weird. i guess i'm growing up and growing away from the past. looking back to a year ago everything was so different. i was with someone and i thought i was happy. and he was my only friend. i wasn't allowed to have any other friends. then after him was a phase of just being depressed. then it was justin. now everything is just so confusing. and i have great friends. but still i feel like really lonely. like none of my friends are real friends. i would never be able to call any of them if i was sad or needed to talk to someone. and i really want to just be able to talk to someone. i'm so bad at being single. its horrible that i need a guy to be with. i'm too dependent and i know it. and then when i'm in a relationship i never feel stable so i won't open up or anything. riding home with alley today made me really sad. like i know we're so different then we were then. and our friends are different and we both are the same that we start acting like the people we hang out with and i really don't like her friends very much. and i love her. that makes me really sad that things just aren't how they used to be. =(

YAY I'M GOING DRIVING SATURDAY SUNDAY AND MONDAY!

why are boys so dumb? omg it makes me so mad that i always go for guys that treat me like crap. like i really don't deserve this and i'm getting so sick of being treated this way. i hate having a boyfriend that i would do anything for and he doesn't care about me at all. i mean he'll go up to one of my best friends and give her a big bear hug and then this other girl. and he like barely even touches me. and today at school he was like standing there talking to this girl and i just like walked away and he didn't even notice. like my friends will be like you need to get rid of him and i always end up making excuses for him! he is so fucking annoying. like i really don't understand how i've stayed with him for like 2 months. its getting really annoying. like i don't know how much more i could take. the last time he called me was in october. and if i call him his phone is dying or he has a lot of homework or he's really busy. and if he's online when i am he has to do homework or go help his mom so of course he can't talk. and all next week we have off. do we have any plans? of course not. and he will sit there and lie to my friend. he'll be like gianna picks every movie we see or she'll always pick what we do. the only time i picked what we did was the last time we went to the movies. the rest of the times i said it didn't matter. and he will be so like moody sometimes and it drives me crazy. oh my god. i am so fucking over boys.

wow this month has been so busy. so much has happened i forgot where i left off. things with justin have been cool... i guess. i'm learning to play songs on my guitar. yehhh... school has been boring-er than ever. christmas break can't come soon enough. my grandma passed away last week and the family all just left. i wen't into the city last night. it was cool. i've been doing lots of christmas shopping and lots of wrapping. i'm so bad at wrapping and it takes me forever... so that's not fun. things with friends have been weird... i can't really explain it though. oh and exboyfriends are so obnoxious! i hate him so much. he imed me the other day and he was like "i see you at school but you don't say hi to me." and i was like "i never see you"... i do i just act like i don't :o). then he was like "oh well i'm glad you don't hate me. i was going to say after all that we've been through you hate me. after all we did" and i was like "wow" because that is really messed up that he would say that to me. and he was like "are you mad at me?" and i was like "no i think its really messed up that you would say that though" and he was like "oh well it was really funny though" and i was like what the hell. i mean he's making it seem like i was a slut. we didn't do anything likke that much and anything we did was like what he pressured me into. oh i hate him so much. i hate the way he treats me like crap. he like changed me so much and i try really hard not to think about him but when he will like go up to my friends and like be all nice to them and try to be my bff. that is so messed up. yuck i hate boys!

well my grandma is in the hospital :(. they don't know if she's going to make it. :( that kind of sucks. my uncle came up saturday to see her. nothing but drama since then. i did absolutely nothing this weekend. no fun at all. everyone wanted me to go to the christmas dance but i didn't want to. i kind of wish i did because i was sitting at home painting my toes and watching cops. plus its always fun to get dressed up. oh well. justin didn't want to and i didn't either. they said it was kind of boring anyways. so yeah i had like a complete panic attack today. over nothing. after school i met up with justin and melissa was behind him and she looked really pissed so i was like what's wrong and she was like you really don't know your boyfriend. i asked justin what that was about and he was just like don't worry about it. ok so i was like weird... and upset because i panic at stuff like that. anyways i go home and call melissa and she was like i'm still at school i'll call you later. so i'm like freaking out by now. brittany wasn't helping she was like i'm sure he's not cheating on you. maybe he has aids. all this stuff and i'm like oh my god don't say that. so melissa calls me back like a half hour later and she told me that he was just being stupid and immature. and apparently we have a date this weekend? we're going to the movies? we made plans last weekend? hahah i love how he tells her first lol

i think i'm getting sick. oh boy. i was sick on thanksgiving throwing up like 10 minutes before dinner. =( and even better i didn't get to see justin all weekend. i don't know how he expects me to be with him. i mean we never ever hang out anymore. it would be a little bit better if he could just call and talk to me for like 5 minutes. no he can't even do that. and if i call him he never seems like he wants to talk to me. i sucks that i can't even talk to him about it. i don't know. the worst part is that i like him way too much to do anything about it.

so yeah 4 day weekend... so boring. on thursday i cleaned. friday i sat home and did nothing. saturday i went to the mall then i got grounded. my mom is a bitch. she is worried that i'm going to have a reputation for being a slut? ok we haven't even kissed yet and i'm a slut? ok. i would have a worse reputation for having a mother who had a baby at 16 years old. i told her too and she is pissssssed. oh well. now i'm grounded for having an "attitude". then i called her to ask if i was allowed to walk home from school with my friends. absolutely not. i swear to god she thinks i'm like 10. i'm not. she can't get over it that i'm 15 years old and she has to have control over every part of my life. no. she thinks i'm this horrible kid and she has her hands full with me. ok. i don't smoke. i don't drink. i don't do drugs. i don't have sex. i never go out. &&& i get good grades. and she wonders why everyday of eigth grade and freshman year i would sit there and cry and stay home every friday night and i wouldn't even talk on the phone until the end of last year. i mean i'm going to be sheltered enough from living in this small town where nothing ever happens. but she doesn't need to make it so i can't even walk down the street. or i have to call and check in when i go to the mall or sleep over my friends house. and my 31 year old sister doesn't even have a boyfriend let alone get married. i swear to god she wants me to be like that. then she can have complete control. it just sucks. and i'm always the one that ends up apolgizing. even when i don't do anything wrong. and i'm not going to be like that anymore.

well these past few days have been pretty hard. like i was so confused and just sad and i was laying down like this is the worst feeling in the world. i was so confused about justin. like it was getting on my nerves because i thought that he doesn't care about me. but i guess i realized that's just the way he is. like he is so shy and like he never calls me or anything but when we're together it's magic. and like he told my friend the reason we didn't kiss yet is because he wants it to be special. and i think that is really sweet and cute but everyone else is just like is he gay? anyways no school today or tomorrow. i went to the palisades mall with britt today. it was fun we spent like 31835975 hours in sephora. i love that store.this weekend is going to suck though because justin has to do house work all weekend and tomorrow he's going to this girl kristens house for a project. lol everyone is telling me i don't need to be worried. lol and then my one friend is going to hook up with this guy tomorrow night and she was like yeah you and justin should come with us he would get a much better education with us then he would doing a history project. lol i love that girl.

Girl: hey baby i want to show you.... Boy: ( cutting her off ) ugh i'm so mad Girl: why? whats wrong ? Boy: ugh everything Girl: explain baby Boy: just lost a championship game, parents flipped out on me for no reason, and im catching a cold Girl: well hey there will always be other games, you know ill take care of you when your sick, what your parents flip about ? Boy: they are making me pay them for a car repair Girl: is it alot of money Boy: no it just sucks Boy: but hey i dont feel well im going to go lay down Boy: bye Girl: wait i want to give you some... Boy: cant it wait til tommorow ? Girl: yeah sure Girl: bye Boy: bye 2 hours later a friend of hers asks her to go for a drive ...she goes..... her friend swerved to avoid a truck....hitting a tree instead her friend was killed instantly....shes in critical condition This is the conversation between her sister and her boyfriend Sister: omg ( crying ) Boy: what? whats wrong ? Sister: my sister...your gf was involved in a major car wreck Boy: is she ok ? ????? Sister: shes in critical condition Boy: i'll be there in 10 minutes He shows up to the hospital room ...standing outside the door going over the last conversation in his mind over and over as he heard the machines beep and beep and breathing tubes pump Boy: she wanted to give me something or tell me something Girls mom: yeah this... it was an envelope smelling like she did sealed with a kiss in lipstick he opened it..... it said ..... your everything to me....i love you with everything i am and everything i have...i want to spend the rest of my life with you sealed in it was a ripped movie ticket from the first movie they went to and the first picture they took together he kissed the picture as a tear fell from his face onto the picture it looked as if in the picture she was crying then the machines flatlined....3 minutes later she was pronounced dead If you have any heart...any soul...or want to be happy you will repost this. if you care for someone ...do not let something like this ever happen Post this in the next 200 seconds and you WILL have THE best day of your life THIS SATURDAY. You're number one *love* Will either kiss you, ask you out, or call you or better

wow so last night was funnnn. i went to the movies with justin... i met his mom. she is so sweet. she was like teasing him and stuff. i felt bad but it was cute. she was like your such a pleasant girl i don't know what you see in justin. and i was like awe and then she was like i'm having so much fun looking at justin's goofy faces in the mirror. lol. he was getting all embarassed. anyways we saw prime. it was funny... and yesterday this stupid freshman girl that sits with justin at lunch was talking about me saying like i don't even like him and i'm such a bitch to him and that's not true at all. i like him so much and i've always been nice to him. and to her. i didn't do anything to that girl and she needs to mind her business. she's probaly just pissed because she likes him. but that's her problem. uggh i hate dumb girls.

so things have been really confusing. there is so much thats happened in the past few days. like i've been having the most amazing times with my friends but when i'm by myself i get thinking and things are just so confusing. first of all justin and i are together =D. but even that is confusing like i said i wasn't going to get all attatched to him and i am and it scares me to death. like i like him so much but i've been here before and i just ended up hurting so much. and i doubt justin will be like that since he is such a sweetheart and he wouldn't cheat on me. but still i don't know if i'm ready to get all involved. anyways halloween was absolutely amazing. at 6 melissa, deepal, adrianna, courtney and i all met up at melissa's and ate pizza. yum yum. i was a devil and melissa and deepal were geeks, courtney was this weird thing i don't know and adri didn't dress up. boring. then we went and melissa and dee kept running to like every house and we were all just like not really into the whole running thing. then we met up with kaitlin and sam. then there was this grown man with this weird mask thing on and he was holding a head was like following us but he was with a few other adults and a lot of like 10 year olds. one of the old guys was like i hope he's with you like kidding around and then he started following us down the hill. all you hear is kaitlin scream and everyone except me and adri ran down the hill. it was so funny. anyways school hasn't been that bad. it's spirit week so everyone is in a good mood. pep rally tomorrow. and i started drivers ed. that's good. we take the written test a few days before my birthday so i'll be able to start my driving around my birthday. oh and i'm going to the movies with justin tomorrow night. yayyyyy. we're gonna go see prime i think? and i'm in like the worst mood i had to do this whole sociology report thing and i like had a nervous breakdown. lol. i was like crying and everything. and my parents were like driving me nuts. i like started crying and then i got oil on my white shirt and my mom told me to boil it and then my dad started like flipping out on me so now i'm not talking to him. and i get in trouble? i don't get it. whatever my parents are idiots. ohh and my guitar is coming home on saturday. yess exciting. oh and i got my hair trimmed last night. just thought i'd share. i guess thats about it <3

wow yesterday was so much fun. i hung out with britt for a little while, then i had to go to the nursing home to see my grandma. then i went home for a while and then i went to the mall with britt. on the way there justin called me and he said that this girl called him because like her boyfriend was gonna go to the movies with her and then he cancelled so she asked justin if he wanted to go and he called me to see if i would mind. i don't know who it was but i kind of think its this girl that likes him. if it is yuck i'll be so mad at her. so i guess we're together? i don't know. anways i got 2 sweaters at the mall. then i went home and got changed and met maggie and lisa at maggie's and we were hanging out at her house for a little while. then we went on a haunted hayride. of course i'm the one that gets stuck on the end so they would all come up to me. lisa and i were so scared we were like holding on to each other. and then i would like scream so loud and like i was like nooo not me. lol then we went back to maggies for a little bit and then my dad picked lisa and i up and brought us home. so much funnnn..

so justin and i are kind of together. ??? i don't know. but we're going to homecoming together. and yeah like he was like i like you so muchhh blah blah. i don't know.

Thursday, October 27, 2005 Cheer up, Aquarius. Things aren't as bad as they seem. You think your crush is ignoring you, but that's not the case. Truth is, he's unsure about how he feels, and he wants to be sure of his intentions before he makes any rash decisions. Have a little patience -- time is on your side. wow. haha that is so funny...

yuck i'm looking back at this past year and wow it has sucked. like last december my moms' aunt died and then the next month her other aunt that she was really close to died. then in march my grandpa died. and then in october my grandma died. now my other grandma has to go in the nursing home. and besides all that i've been through so much crap. like the most crappy relationship ever. i never really got in trouble before only stuff like having an attitude or something like that and then this summer i got in bigg trouble. i was always like getting straight a's and last year in school i got 3 c's and 1 a. and then everything with justin is just making me so mad. like i've been waiting way too long. and i don't know what for. like he has all the control and it just drives me crazy because like i went through this whole control thing with my exboyfriend and now i'm like do i really want this? yuck when will this year just be overrrrrrr

awe so last night was really cute... i went to the football game with britt and laura. we met up with a bunch of people. everyone was talking about homecoming and pretty much everyone has a date except me, melissa, and logan. so someone was like gianna are you going? and i was like probaly but i don't want to go alone. and then alley was like justin didn't ask you yet? and i was like no... and they were all like i'm sure he will and i was like i don't know. so my friend logan who i like never see anymore and he was my first boyfriend back in 6th grade. he was like awe gianna... if justin doesn't ask you i'll go with you. i was like aweee i love you. it was so cute. =)

the past few days were really boring. nothing good happened at all... that's like the story of my life. i went shopping with madre yesterday to get a present for my dad for their anniversary [?]first we went to bed bath and beyond and she got something for him. then we went to old navy and my mom was like do you see anything you like and i saw sweaters but of course she wouldn't let me get them because shheeee didn't like it. anyways i had to get a new sketch pad so we went to wal mart after that. she told me she was going by the lamps. of course when i went over by the lamps she wasn't there so i spent half an hour circling around wal mart looking for her. i was getting so annoyed and like i was oblivious to everyone like seriously it was a blank. anyyyways then i went home. fun fun. so homecoming is in like 2 weeks. my friend told me that lover boy was gonna ask me to go. yeah that didn't happen yet. oh well... today he was being so weird to me. i saw him before school and he was walking with this girl then he like came up to me and we walked around and then he just left i was like what the fuck? and like he didn't say good bye or anything. so i flipped out to alley about how much i hate boys... lol and then i went to bio and this kid like pulled my chair because he does it like everyday. and i almost sat down today. that would have been great.

Turned ON or OFF when a guy: dresses in abercrombie/hollister stuff: off dresses like a thug: off dresses like a surfer/skater: depends dresses in all black: off plays a musical instrument: drums or guitar bites your ear: off i'll like start laughing lol is shorter than you: definately off is taller than you: on has straight teeth: on grabs your ass: like if we're by ourself on lol is tan: on has a 6pack or close to it: onnnnn wears braces: off has chapped lips: off has green eyes: on has blue eyes: on has brown eyes: on has a shaved head: off drinks: off smokes cigarettes: off smokes pot: offfffff has black hair: if it looks good has blonde hair: if it looks good has brown hair: if it looks good works out plays sports: on wears cologne: on wears makeup: off has long hair: not really long but like shaggy is really cute has short hair: on has mohawk: off plays sports: on a bad boy: off a good boy: onn lol i'm a dork has nice arms: on has a job: on has any piercings: off has tattoos: maybe depends if it looks good boxers: they're ok but boxer briefs are definately a turn on tighty whiteys: offf has a good personality: on has hair all over: that is just gross calls you: on Bites you: hah i'll start laughing calls you back when you hang up: on as long as he's not a stalker can talk to you on the phone: on is bisexual: off understands love: on falls in love quickly: it depends stares into your eyes: on is honest: on is on time: on calls when he says he's going to: on walks over and kisses you for no reason: on wants to: ... cries: as long as its not like he cries more than a girl but i like when i guy is comfortable enough to cry in front of me gets jealous of your guy friends: definately off can't make a decision: off snowboards/skateboards/wakeboards/surfs: depends

just finished psats a little while ago. oh boy fun fun. i didn't do so good. it wasn't that hard except for the second half of math. i like left almost all the fill ins empty. oh well last night i went bowling with melissa. i really didn't want to and justin told her so i kind of had to. it was an ok time. my high score was 30 lol. i almost fell to. that would've been nice.

well life has been pretty good. school pretty much sucks. progress reports came out over the weekend. i'm doing really good. all of my classes i got above average or excellent. except gym haha. i got like average and needs to put in more effort. oh well. and today my group had to present our project in english. ours was so long it took like 15 minutes just like explaining it. but thats because our english teacher just like told us everything to put down. girls suck. thats pretty much all there is to it. one girl i've been friends with since 1st grade and the other one since 7th grade just and they flirt with justin so much and when i ignore them they get mad at me???? yeah that makes sense. oh well this weekend i went to connecticut to clean out my grandma's house. on saturday i went shopping with my sister though. it was ok. we went to lunch and there was this guy and girl on a date and oh my god we were laughing so much. he was like talking about how he went to france and smoked hash and it was jsut so ridiculous. and i got a guitar but it's righty and i'm lefty so i have to get it restrung. and i'm gonna learn how to play. ohh and last thursday or friday was so funny. i went to guidance to hand in the paper for the psat's and i saw my exboyfriend walking with this freshman that's in my gym class and like when he walked by me he like rubbed it in my face that he was holding her hand. i was just like wooooow... i hate him and my friend looked back and he was staring at me. and he heard me. haha lol it was funny. and today was really cute. i was with justin at lunch and i guess i looked sad? i don't know but justin was like what's wrong? and i was just like nothing. and he was like you should be happy. like when i'm with you it's the happiest part of my day. i was just like awww. he is such a sweetheart.