Note to self: Learn to stop kissing/engaging in any sexual activity with boys you barely know/ dont like. It only leads to trouble.

Sometimes people act really really stupid, and i want to punch them. But then I remember that I'm not a very good puncher. And it hurts my hands more than it hurts anyone else.

Today was wierd. I watched about 5 movies... I feel lethargic and unmotivated which is unusual for the way I've been acting lately. I just don't feel like anything is worth doing. I'm feeling... not really UNHAPPY, but dissatisfied. I think I'm just having an offday. Today I babysat 3 little boys. One of them referred to his penis as his "Kicky". I've never heard that one before. Anyways, they were good boys and it was a good time. I forgot how engaging childrens movies can be. But then i remembered that I still am a child. I can learn much more from little kids than they can learn from me. I want to be around them all the time, and watch them do funny little kid things and act like they know how everything works. I like seeing their eyes light up when you say something that interests them, or when you mention cotton candy or reading them their favorite books. I want to be a kid again, but I don't think I've ever really been good at being one. I've always wanted to be old.

Tonight, Eric came over and watched Team America and Detroit Rock City with me. He looks so much older since I last saw him, even though its only been a matter of days. He's so great, a really amazing guy. However, I feel like i have a void. I want someone to cuddle with me and to show a little bit of compassion. Eric isn't a very cuddly boy. He doesn't snuggle, even when i try to get all close and cute with him. He doesn't give little periodic kisses, or rub my back or put his fingers in my hair. He is not right for me, it isn't right of me to try to make him right for me. I just feel a little bit incomplete. Hopefully, I'll soon find someone to fill this stupid space i have in my heart. A quick change of subject, I think I'm really going to like NCHS even though its totally different from Carmel. Kids are really friendly and my teachers seem really laid back. My English teacher, Mr. Coleman, is amazing. When he talks about literature or life, I'm captivated. I want to listen to him talk all day and learn to participate in such intellectual activity as he can. I'm reading two books currently, and they're both amazing, Catcher in the Rye and Blue Like Jazz. I really like reading. I want to do it all day and night, then learn how to write my own book and pour my own thoughts into it. There is so much I want to learn and do, ,lately. Everyone at my new school is pretty nice to me. Sometimes, boys will say things to me that kind of embarass me. Random boys in my classes hug me when they see me in the halls, or wave at me, or ask for my number, ect. I dont know, its just wierd. Everyone is really interested in helping the new girl, mainly because they know I'm impressionable at this point and they could have an opportunity to create a new "mini-them". However, I really like my own personality. Its original and determined and inspired by so much. I'm learning to love life. But I also want to be in love. I have a feeling I'll find him, soon, but I probably won't be right. I want to help people. I'm tired of only helping Me Me Me. I think that if i concentrate less on myself and more on others, then I will be much happier. I'm sure someone in the world was created especially to take care of me, and there is a certain person out there that I was made to especially help them. I feel a little blank. I want something amazing. I want to feel something great in my heart all the time and never feel like my chest is deteriorating from a strong diamond into weak, broken pieces of sand. Mr. Coleman had a quote in his room I really adored today.I think its from a play called Equus, so I think i might read it. This quote really resembles how my heart is feeling. I'm searching for a passion. I'm envious of, but intrigued by passion people have, either for their religion, for a hobby, or a romantic type of passion. I'm just lacking it all together. "But that boy has known a passion more ferocious than I have ever felt in any second of my life. And let me tell you something,I envy it."

Tomorrow is my first day at North Central. I'm really nervous, but I've needed a change. Jessica moved out today, after living here for a few weeks. I hope she's happy in her dad's house. Lately I've been thinking of someone and everytime i see there face i want to laugh and cry all at the same time. I need something great in my life. I need something amazing and loving and comforting. I have faith that ill find it eventually, but I'm becoming impatient. I'm too young to think about this, but what if everyone only has one perfect match? How do you know if you've found it? What if mine is in like, Scandinavia or something? Love is a scary thing. I dont know if i've ever experienced any sort of love, but i can't wait until i do.

Life. Such a strange concept. When people think of Life, they think about the future. However, the most important part of Life, could be the past. To a young, scared, mentally exhausted girl such as myself, the future seems terrifying. The thought of change and struggles and independence is something that I'd rather just skip. I want to seek comfort in the past, but I forget that the past isn't all that great. My whole life, I've only thought of the future and what I want for myself. These goals seem so far fetched to me now. Infact, I can't even imagine being half of the successful, happy person I want to be. The truth is I've failed. I've failed at everything I've ever attempted. I can't even get through a day of school without becoming terribly upset. Usually, these fits of despair are brought on by the tiniest things. I just can't function any more. I need some help, but I really don't have any support. I keep trying to seek help in the wrong places. I've developed a little dependency on hydrocodone, and I KNOW that it can only make matters worse. I say things that I know I shouldn't and I isolate myself when I feel uncomfortable. It just seems like nobody wants to help me or listen to me, which is true. I realize I'm a whiny girl. I realize I'm pathetic. I just don't know how to help myself. Maybe writing will help. Maybe becoming involved in something musical will help. I just need to feel needed. I need to be so engaged in an activity that it rids my mind of silly, upsetting ideas. I'm going to work on it. I'm going to strive for the best. Wish me luck.

The words that escape your lips don't matter anymore. The plastic friendship we once had has long melted away all that is left is that burning, rotted stench That i can still detect in the awkward situations when i am faced with you.

I need to change. My social life is a joke. I have people I'm friends with and that I hang out with, but I am ridiculous. I do things I normally wouldn't do, I treat every boy I encounter like I'm madly in love with them. I'm the queen of leading people on. I need something solid. Aside from that, I've been thinking about my dad alot. He hurt everyone. He's made it hard on everyone. I love him soo much, still though. He's my dad, I wish he was here to take care of me and actually BE a father. I'm scared I'm going to turn out like him. I need someone to rub my back and tell me that I didn't get the bad genes, that I'm not going to destroy my family, that I'll grow to be RESPONSIBLE and never decieve or hurt people like he did. We're so goddamn similar though. We are both charismatic, outgoing people, we're good at getting our way, and getting around the rules. I've never settled for hard work, I've always tried to find short cuts. I don't want to be that anymore. Also, my bullimia is taking a turn for the worse. I was doing so much better. I was eating healthy and not worrying so much. Then, drama with Mark, ect, caused me to freak out. I felt worthless and unstable. I've gone from puking maybe twice a weak, to puking 7-8 times a day. I feel bad when I have a sip of soda, and my stomach can't keep anything down. I need something constant. My life isn't a mess, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it is. PS: I quit smoking. It feels nice. PPS: My hair is bright red

What a nice day. Eric came home with me and we made a pie. Even though neither of us can cook worth shit. We cut all these apple things up and i cut my little finger. I bled and stuff. Then, we made the dough for the pie crust, but i made about 2 times too much. So we made this pie, and ate it, and it was cute. Then we went to Steak n Shake and talked about boring things. I really want someone i can have on hand 24/7 to just talk smart with. But Eric is a good boy, and although he doesnt talk smart, he is nice enough to put up with me and pay for my french fries. He says he could never get mad at me. For some reason, that made me feel really nice.

Today was a wonderful day. I started out happy and optimistic, and the day went wonderfully. The highlight of my day, however, was talking to my friend joel. We had an amazing conversation that was intelligent and pretty inspiring. We talked about how him and his girlfriend have been together for 17 months and 14 days and how happy they are together. It showed me that people really can be perfect for eachother. I've never met her, but if she's half as amazing as he is, then they're perfect for eachother. I could learn so much from him, he's getting me reading material, and we talked about improving yourself, and just beneficial stuff like that. Ahh tomorrow is pie day with eric :):)

After a long time of trying my hardest to ignore religion. I started to think about it today. Here is my theory: We are here, and we can be rewarded or punished for our actions. The reward for good actions is being happy and joyful The punishment for bad actions is being miserable and sad. In order to do good actions, you must be a strong person. You get strong by thinking good thoughts, and getting to know yourself, because once you know yourself, you will be ready to do good for others. Weak people just get weaker if they do not take action. They get punished. It is not a matter of heaven and hell, it is a matter of using your life for good or wasting it on bad. I'm probably just tired and ranting, but this makes perfect sense to me.

Well, much has happened. I've learned to cope with the fact that me and mark are not goign to be together. I think that all girls give their hearts away foolishly at one point. It is normal. I feel like it wasn't right. He's found someone else, and It will hopefully be amazing for him, and he will be able to enjoy it for a long time. I've grown up after this incident, I think, and I have learned to give myself more credit than i've previously given. I thought that after having a broken heart, it'd take a while to get back into the swing of things. I thought that I wouldnt find anyone perfect for me again. But I now realize that I'm perfectly fine. I'm how i always was, and I can find someone even more perfect, because under all of my bitchiness and worrying, I'm a great girl. I try to be a good person, and I really am compassionate of other people. I'll find someone amazing. I know it. I just have to be patient and start being more comfortable with who I am, or even more than that, FIGURE OUT who I am. Please wish me the best of luck. As for today, It was fun. I got a ride home from Andy Wally, and me and Matt played air geeetar in the back seat with eric. I hung out with austin and jessica after school, and we went to walmart and tried on footy pajamas and Austin pushed me around in a shopping cart, until i deviously found the old people scooters, and hopped on one of those. It was a fun night. We went to steak n shake and talked about porn, and people we've met, and ciggarettes, and all sorts of things. I love my friends. They will always cheer me up. Jessica especially knows how to kick me in the ass and get me to stop moping over dumb shit. People are genuinely good to me. I hope i can be just as genuine back :)

Home sick. Puking. Gross. Went to a show saturday. It was surprisingly really fun. I hung out with austin most of the time. He's a good guy. Infact, He's pretty much a great guy. We did silly things and laughed about it. And we went to Arby's with erica and christiana and split a sandwich. I was supposed to hang out with him yesterday, but due to some conflict with a loved one, I decided against it. He painted me a picture of a little hand holding a big one. :) Mark and I had some issues. I dont know if we can ever be how we were. It isnt that i feel any different about him, but he's obviously not wanting to sacrifice some of the things he's doing socially, and I honestly am fine with that. If it is better for both of us to just be friends, then i think that is what should happen. I'm pretty sure having him out of my life all together wouldn't be a good solution. We aren't in love anymore. I can tell by the things he says. But if we can't be in love, we can atleast care about eachother. I only want good things to happen to that boy.

I've felt like hsit for the last ehhh... 3 days? My head feels like shit, i feel like im going to puke, I'm irritable, and I want to cry. I was at claires the last 3 days and I felt this way and i just ended up sleeping at home. M itz is out of town, and julie hates me and wont let me stay at home, so im pretty much on my own. I'm at kelsey's right now, and i feel bad because im being so irritable and frusterated. lfjakf d I feel like im going to die.

After today, Carmel's fall break officially starts. While some people are going out of town, on college visits, or just have plans with their friends, everyone is looking forward to the break. I, however, am not that excited because the event I was looking forward to is already over. This weekend, the boy of my dreams came home from college. After 2 weeks of on and off arguing and me being an insane bitch, I desperately needed to see him. Although he was just coming home for a doctor's appointment, he agreed to see me on Saturday. The second we saw eachother, I knew everything was okay again. After a long time of being apart, he gets a certain look in his eyes the first time we see eachother. Saturday was amazing. We sat in two cold parks, just happy to be close to eachother, talking about anything and everything, from dreams, to pets, to children. There is a certain electricity that flows through our bodies when we touch, and nobody else can compensate for that, because its just a Mark and Tayler electricity. Sunday night was kind of a mess. But the fact that we were able to get passed it and move on with our weekend is what matters. Monday night, despite Marks knack for being late allofthefuckingtime, we had a great time. Its hard to pay attention to anything else when I'm all snuggled up to him. He makes me giggle like an 8 year old girl sometimes and I think that is perfectly fine. We are perfect together. Tuesday,yesterday, he left. It was sad, but it was okay. School is good for Mark, and he enjoys it. Even though we only spent a half hour together, it was a perfect ending to our little rendezvous this weekend. As he got in his car to leave, I noticed how much more "I love you" means when you're looking into someones eyes. Its gives me shivers to hear him say it after a million online "love you"'s and occasionally some phone ones. Its reassuring, and I can hear the truth in his voice. Infact, just talkign about it makes my spine kind of tingley. All in all, I really hope i get to see you soon, Mark. I miss you so much already, and I'll be thinking about you all day today. Have a good rest of the week at school. I love you, even though saying it here is nothing compared to saying it to your face.

Who knew that watching some Matt Stone and Trey Parker movie with a silly blonde haired boy could bring me such joy? Mark Curtis is amazing. Probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. No matter what is going on in my life, seeing him makes me forget it all. He doesn't care if I dont wash my hair one day. In fact, he still gets cuddly with me, even though I'm probably really gross. He's late all the time, but his boyish charm tends to lead me to forgive him. He knows just the right time to touch my arm, kiss my cheek, or squeeze me really really tightly. His hair smells like strawberries when he washes it, and its softer than most girl's hair will ever be. His fingers are sort of boney, but he's still good at holding hands. In fact, my chubby little hands fill in the space inbetween his skinny fingers. Even my aunt, who hates me, likes him. In fact, right after he left, she came up behind me and goes " He's so nice and little!" He feels the same way I feel most of the time, and I can almost tell what he's thinking by looking into those light blue eyes of his. I'm never going to let this get fucked up. Never.

"If it is meant to be, our hearts will find each other when we meet. And if our hearts melt together so will our bodies and souls. Then every word and every touch will fuel our passion flame. I will be yours, you will be mine, and we will be one."

So once upon a time there were 3 bitches that liked to talk shit about me. The first is a self proclaimed " Stoner" whom thinks that i have been " talkin shit" about her for the last year. When in reality, I dont even know this bitch and dont give a shit about what she does. The second is a girl who's had a grudge on me ever since her boyfriend decided to start kissing me freshman year with out mentioning he had a girlfriend. The third is just some tall bitch who has a funny looking face. I'll probably HAVE to fuck those ladies up. I think certain people should come home.

Today was a good day overall. PSATs were a piece of cake, as are all standardized tests. Mitz got a hair cut, and i came with her. It looks nice, but its mostly the same. She hadn't gotten one in 6 years and I couldn't have my mother looking like a dirty 43 year old hippie. So we chopped that shit off. Then I ate panera and came home. Me and Mark got in a fight-ish thing. Edit: I AM upset. And if Mark won't forgive me, then the only thing i can do is forget about him. An almost impossible task.

No make up, I look 10 years younger!