So... essentially... I just feel like stuff is slipping away. I don't know if it is just me.. or if it's what is really in fact happening. It's that really bad sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that usually means something bad will happen... but this time I can't shake it by getting a good night's sleep or getting a huge homework assignment out of the way. I dunno, maybe I just woke up wrong today.. but this kindof wrong feeling has been eating away at some of the things that used to make me happy. This is not one of those things that's all "oh, I need to take some prozac and feel all better.." Not that I would anyway... because I don't feel the need to be homicidal/suicidal in my life... but.. that's a different discussion entirely. It's just kindof a bugging feeling that I can't shake... despite my best efforts. I am trying to get through, but it's as though my voice is lost in the sea of other, more noticable people. I've been a shy person most of my life, despite coming out of my shell a lot over the past 4 or 5 years. But, of course, my shyness always remains as part of me.. so I am left as just an unnoticed shape in the shadow of other, more oratorically gifted people. It isn't how I want it to be. But I suppose that is how it is. It came as a little bit of a surprise to me the other day to think about high school. This year, I noticed a bit of a change in my social life. Freshman and Sophomore year, it seemed like school was a neverending wait until the weekend or the next party during school vacation. But this year, I have noticed that I only know a few people who I would probably call up just to talk to or hang out with outside of school. I don't see myself as an introvert in a lot of ways. But, it is just seeming like something about this is dwindling.. and if something doesn't change, I'll find myself wondering where everybody has gone. Again, maybe I just woke up wrong today. Ever have a regret, not about the action itself, but a regret of the waves of consequence following the action? It's like a big, horrible shockwave. The middle is where it all starts, and you don't realize what it really is until you get to the other side of it where all of the destruction is going on. Ok, maybe a bad analogy... but you will probably understand what I'm getting at. Basically, I just wish things were back to normal before what ever giant switch got flipped to make this weird turbulence. Not to say it's abnormal for a person's life to have some shit spots... but, this just doesn't seem like the usual. I don't know.... Maybe I'll go back to bed and wake up right tomorrow....