going out w/ kristina but why am i - she doesnt make me laugh like she does dont have as much fun is it b/c im lonely, wanting comfort, wanting touch? so mixed up the other day at tennis me n maria got sum whiskey from the navy lodge... hehehe.... it wasnt enough 2 get me drunk drunk, but i was pretty tipsy... kept laughing at everything... finally mr lamb got suspicious n came over 2 check my eyes thinking wed gone and smoked pot b4 we came 2 practice. and my one eye was all bloodshot anyways from allergies. was sooo fun tho.

vito said he talked 2 kristina this morning n she said she likes me but she doesnt know if im over maria yet since i got all upset saturday night at prom after the whole dancing incident... so im really happy about that... he keeps telling me one of us needs 2 make a move and ask the other out. i saw her right b4 psychology so i walked up beside her n said hey and she gave me a hug and asked if i could walk home w her after school. i wanted 2 but then i remembered i had tennis and if i walk w her ill miss the bus. so that kinda sux... i wanted 2 hang out w her at lunch so we could talk or watever but i couldnt find her so i just came in here.

was on the bus coming here n billyjack got on.... he wanted 2 sit near andres cody n this other guy so he was like, do u mind if i, squat here at the edge of ur seat? so i was like no, so he did, but really... it was so tempting 2 shove him off. i could just picture his lanky body falling down between the rows of seats and sliding 2wards the back of the bus. it woulda been hilarious. im so mean... in my head, anyway. so then i was listening 2 them and they started talking about prom n andres asked him if he was going and hes like yea and then he said he didnt know with who. and i was thinking isnt he going w/ natashia? cuz theyre going out, i figured theyd be each others prom date. and then andres was telling him he should ask jamie cuz she wants a date but doesnt know who 2 go with, and he was like, i told her she should ask u cuz i know tashias not going. then he looked over at me and was like, and if she was shed be going w/ britta anyway. i like just dropped my mouth open i was like how could u just say that with her b/f right here?? then hes all like nah im just kidding, her n natashia like totally hate each other. and billy turned around like really? i just wanted 2 dissapear...

im here again still tryna do this project... was supposed 2 do it 2day but i had like nothing 2 present so i asked belinda 2 go b4 me so id have more time. so when we got 2 class mr jacobs called me up there n i was like im not ready n hes like wat do u mean ur not ready ur supposed 2 go 2day, n i was like well i cant go if i dont have it done! n hes like so ur gonna force belinda 2 go 2day? she was supposed 2 go on friday! so i just shrugged and he was like ok ure lucky shes here to have ur back. grrrrr... maria lent me her coheed n cambria cd 2day i love it!! gonna ask vito 2 burn it 4 me maybe. i gotta go work now... actually its not that bad its the 60s its groovy.

reading natashias diary online just makes me want 2 cry... she says no one loves her and wonders y would anyone love her... y cant she see how much im in love with her and that i have been for like over a fucking year??!!! it seriously breaks my heart. i mean i try 2 not think about her but its sooo hard esp when she just randomly comes up and sits so close 2 me or flashes me that smile and then i just feel like melting all over the floor.... and now that i know that she feels that way its gonna be even harder b/c i just want 2 run up 2 her n kiss her let her know shes loved. i kinda wish i never found out what her user name was cuz now i feel like such a stalker.

well todays been hell. i have no energy 2 move the only reason im out of the house was cuz theres no way i was staying home alone w that asshole. the other day they found my prozac in my drawer, mom said she was looking for a pencil but thats bullshit she knows i always keep my diary n private shit in there. so anyway this morning i wake up 2 the sound of the beasts voice, him n her are talking about the prozac and hes saying all this shit like i always have to ruin his vacation every time he takes off work and that im a piece of shit and he really hates me and i was like wat the hell this is not something i wanna wake up 2. so i went and jumped in the shower right away so i could get out of there. then b4 i left i went in the kitchen 2 get a drink and mom was talking 2 me but i wasnt responding cuz i knew if i did id just start bawling. so finally she gets it out of me wats wrong and we have this argument and i leave and when i get back everyones getting ready 2 go 2 mcdonalds and i have 2 go cuz its theos bday. i had kinda calmed down and was trying 2 ignore him n mom and so after they ate, cuz i refused 2, kate n theo went back in the playroom n it was just me and them 2 sitting there and dads like,r u gonna pout all day or are u gonna smile for ur brother on his birthday. i was like damn he doesnt even have the decency 2 say hes sorry after he knows everything i heard him say. but then again y the hell would i expect that from him. and he just kept getting on me and finally i had it i was like fuck off. and he totally flipped out getting in my face and we were screaming at each other right in the middle of fucking mcdonalds. and everytime id cuss hed just get madder and madder so finally im like wat,ur allowed 2 cuss me out but i cant cuss back at u? and that bastard leaned across the table and spat in my face. i couldnt beilieve it. i sat there totally shocked and he started saying how he was gonna punch me right in the face and knock out my teeth so then id be toothless as well as being blind. mom was tryin 2 push him back down in his seat and ppl were staring and i was bawling... then we finally left and when we pulled up at home moms telling me 2 not go in the house but just leave until we both cool off so im like well where the fuck am i supposed 2 go? im not gonna walk around looking like this. so i was like im going over marias. n shes like o no ur not ur not bringing our problems over there. so i was like watever n started walking off but dad came after me saying i better not disappear cuz theos got cake n presents so i just went in the house. i went right in my room and was throwing everything in2 my suitcase and my backpack i wanted 2 get the hell outta there. im calling ms ellwell 2night 2 c if i can stay with her cuz i cant take his shit anymore. im so hurt and i cant stop crying i keep crying like every fucking five minutes i cant control myself. and he wants me out anyway he said i better find some where else to sleep cuz it wont be under his roof. i really wish i could get the hell away from here.

im so angry mom changed her mind again and now were gonna go 2 greece if we can get this flight thats on monday. i think the only reason she did it was cuz she doesnt like conflicts between her n dad, which pisses me off... shes supposed 2 be a strong woman not be giving in2 that asshole just cuz he gets mad. anyways me n him got in another fight last night. hes been in a pissy mood ever since hes been on leave, i think hes got 2 much time on his hands. the only time he talks 2 me is if hes tryin to start a fight. on thursday ms ellwell called cuz i was supposed 2 read her some of my poems over the phone cuz i forgot 2 give them to her at school and shes gonna try to get a poetry journal together over the break so we can hand them out when school starts again. the first time she called i was out walking, so dad told me she called. then later she called again but i didnt wanna talk 2 her then bc weve only got one phone now n its the one downstairs where and him and mom were right there and i didnt want them hearing my poems cuz ive got personal shit in there they dont know about so i got her number n told her id call her later. well when i got off the phone dads all bitching at me like whys she suddenly calling here all the time wat r u up 2 are u in trouble again blah blah and im like no nothings up, n hes like well something has 2 be up if she keeps ringing my phone off the hook. oooo he was making me so mad. so we stopped talking. then after the greece thing on friday morning when me and mom werent gonna go he kept on ignoring me and started ignoring her 2. then yesterday they were kinda talking again but only cuz she said she would go 2 greece now, but me n him still werent. until last night, i was in my room about 2 go for a walk n my back was to the door cuz i was puttin on my flipflops n getting my keys n he was about 2 leave 2 go 2 the store so hes right outside my door n suddenly he just comes in and starts yelling at me saying like my ass is hanging out of my pants and its disgusting and if my pants dont fit me i dont need 2 be wearing them and that i need 2 show him a little respect and all this other shit. i was like wat the hell. i mean yea my pants are really baggy but theyve always been like that so wats the big deal all the sudden. and my ass was not hanging out cuz i had my big jacket on and it covers like most of my ass. i hate his fucking guts. so i went for a walk but id just had it w all his shit i ended up at the playground crumpled on a swing bawling for about an hour. i cant take it anymore i cant stand him. i wanted 2 go 2 sarahs but guess where she went on vacation... greece. so i was all alone. i just really wanted 2 die.

were here again... im at the library. got back monday morning. friday nite aunt adele spent the nite again w/ ryan n me him n dani were gonna stay up all nite cuz it was my last nite there but dani went upstairs n fell asleep. so me n ry put in scary movie 3 n then hes like, u wanna find sumthing 2 drink? so we went thru aunt donnas cabinets n he found a bottle. then ry goes outside 4 a minute n comes back in going, lou n his friends are outside n their stoned as shit n drunk, so i was like really lets go out there. so we went but louie was just coming in n ry was like, u ok lou? u look a little drunk there. n he was like, hehe, yea. i asked him did he wanna watch the movie w/ us n he was like, sure, and went on the couch but he ended up fallin asleep n me n ryan finished drinking the rest of the bottle. we were laying on the floor and i was talking and then i was like, hey did u ever hear how if sumones sleeping n u stick their hand in warm water they pee? lets try it on lou!! so we got up n started filling up this bowl n went over 2 lou. i was tryna pick up his hand all quiet but i kept laughing n ry was like shhhh ull wake him up. so i did it again real slow n just as i put it in the water ryan farted really loud! we both just started 2 crack up n lou mumbled, dude knock it off n took away his hand. we fell back on the floor n stuck our heads in the pillow 2 stop laughing. then we looked up at each other n cracked up again. i remember putting popcorn up his nose 2 lol. but after that we just calmed down n talked and watched tv till like 4. the next morning me dani aunt donna aunt adele mom dad mommom kate n theo all went out 4 breakfast before leavin. at the airport me n dad got in this huge fight... i dont really wanna get in2 it all agian, but i ended up having the choice of staying there or coming back n i came back. only b/c of school n i didnt wanna make anyone feel like they had 2 take me in if they didnt really wanna. cuz i dont think dad even wants me y would anyone else. but im gonna stop b4 i get all depressed again.

im so fucking depressed. were leaving 2marro, this is our last nite here. went 2 aunt lauras n saw everyone 2 say bye, i didnt think i would cry till i said by 2 gramma n auntlaura cuz they had tears in their eyes so i started 2 get all teary 2. now here at aunt donnas aunt ri came up n 2nite ryan n aunt adele are spending the nite. danis staying 2 even tho i thought wed be droping her off at aunt lauras 2 go home w/ gramma. but shes just gonna go back w/ aunt adele 2marro after we leave n shes gonna drop her off at grammas. i told her 2nite were gonna have 2 stay up real late. n me her n ryan said later 2 nite well go swimming in the dark like we did w louie last nite. but really i dont wanna go back. there's really nothing there 4 me. danis gone. courtneys gone. i dont look 4ward 2 anything there. i know im gonna go back 2 shit. im not gonna eat again when we go back. i need 2 starve awhile cuz here ive been eating kinda normal n i feel so guilty and disgusting. thats like the only good thing of going back is im gonna start sneaking out again 2 run in the dark. i wanna cry but this house is full of so many ppl i have no privacy. i know its only a year till were gonna be back here again, 4 good, but still im so depressed.

im depressed again. there was nothing 2 do all day cuz it was raining, i hate this, rain in the summer. at first this morning me n dani sat up here goofing off and taking pictures but then we went downstairs n i got soooo bored... so finally i went off on my own for a couple hours n now im just all moody n shit. aunt ri came up w ashley n uncle joe. we all just had dinner. i escaped as soon as i was done. they all had spaghetti w meatsauce, i ate corn w butter spray on it. butter spray has 0 fat and 0 calories so i dont care if i eat it.and its addicting lol. last nite i tried 2 puke up the pizza we had 4 dinner. i shouldnt have ate it. but i couldnt. im such a reject bulimic. and a reject anorexic 4 eating it in the first place. i think im getting fat again. and i couldnt even walk 2day cuz of the stupid rain. i did like 500 crunches last nite. i hate my stomach.

i need sum sleep. stayed up watching south park reruns that show is hilarious. we went 2 the mall the other day finally!! the first time we went we only had a hour 2 shop so we were like racing from store 2 store w/o really looking at anything. i got a prom dress... its long and brown w/ a glitter flower on the side and spag straps at the top n a low back. its 2 early 2 get one but at home theres like no place 2 shop 4 prom dresses.

heehee 2day me n dani went 2 walmart n had so much fun. we took like all these pictures doing stupid shit. then we opened this bag of jumbo sized twizzlers but it tasted disgusting so we put it back n got the regular strawberry ones n sum fig newtons. we were eating them over by the benches that u sit on 2 try on shoes and i was like, well y dont we just sit down n have a picnic!! we were like laughing our heads off. i got these 2 really pretty bras even tho it took me 4ever 2 find sum that fit... i need 2 grow sum boobs lol. i got sunglasses n calcium pillz 2. my bones are like horrible i think cuz i hardly ever have milk n now my right knee always hurts and so does my back after i sleep. yah well, me n dani are gonna play fluffy bunnys lol if shes done w/ her tea!! laterz

ugh i hate my period i feel so bloated like a fat fucking cow. mooooo. anyway, courtney called last nite! i couldnt call her so i gave her my aunts number n she called cuz its free. it was cool till dad made me get off cuz sumone else might be tryin 2 call. like as soon as we hung up this dude called n hes like, ha u see? watever. so shes supposed 2 call me again sumtime 2day. we went 2 pick up dani yesterday n went out 4 pizza b4 coming home. im not gonna eat 2day cuz i feel so bad.

we finally got here friday nite... the plane ride was shitty, soooo long and my cd batteries ran out so i just tried 2 sleep the whole time. dani came saturday and spent the nite 2 nites in a row but we took her back 2 grammas yesterday so now ill have no one 2 hang w. aunt donna went 2 go pick her up friday when mom n dad were out 2 surprise them n when she came back told my dad, theres a big bag in the car i need u 2 go take it out, n hes like sure, n goes 2 the car n sees dani. mom went over when she got out n they both started huggging and crying. we talked so much n took sum stupid pix. so anyway i have no idea wat im gonna do 2day. i havnt even seen ryan yet. aunt adele said hes dying 2 c us but cant ever get off work. he worx at a restauirant so i think we should all just get in the car n drive over 2 c him like a surprise. but watever... no one listens 2 me. i think were going househunting later, i might go this time since theres probly nothing else 2 do. i checked my email but no ones wrote me since yesterday. courtney still didnt write me back n i wrote her like 2 emails!! we went shopping at walmart on saturday and me and mom were obsessing over all the new stuff and how different it is from spain. we were like 2 little kids lol. i got my ears pierced again 2. it was free except the earrings, i got black onyx. mom n dad are goin running so i gotta go watch kate n theo. i think everyone else is at work except krystina. later

yesterday we had that family therapy... i started bawling. god that was soooo long it was hell... they were telling her how i dont talk 2 them, that i can joke around and talk about lighthearted stuff, but as soon as it gets serious or personal i close myself off and put up a wall. mom was saying how im receptive 2 her moods n can tell when somethings wrong n when i ask she tells me, but when im moody n she asks y or trys 2 talk 2 me i never say anything. i mean i want 2 sometimes but theres certain things i really cant tell her or ill get punished, or she wont approve, or wont let me hang out w/ ppl. most the things that upset me r in that category. she was asking me if i wanted 2 be able 2 talk to them, i said to mom yes and they were like u both want 2 talk so y dont u? so i started thinking about all this shit n i was thinking if i told her certain things about me she wouldnt love me but of course i wasnt gonna say that so i just started crying. then they all sit n stare at me 4 like ever asking me stupid q's like y am i crying and what am i thinking about now thats making me so upset n wat do i think mom and dad are feeling right now and i was like i dont wanna talk right now!! at the end she was saying even tho shes leaving she thinks all 3 of us should have more family therapy cuz theres very high emotions running between all of us and she thinx we could all benifit from it. i was like hell no!!!! ive had enuf. anyway were leaving in a couple minutes 2 go c the other doctor 2 talk about the medical side of all this bullshit!!! its all bullshit! i swear i think dad wants 2 send me away. cuz hes the one who keeps talking about it the doctors never bring it up unless hes starting 2 freak me out and so i ask them about it. and the doc said she wouldnt cuz all my tests were fine. hes such a fucking ass.

here i m again... moms cleaning out her office so she dropped me n the kids off here. im just checking my email and theyre doing story time n craft stuff. i felt so sick last nite, stomache aches and leg cramps and i was either soaking in sweat all nite or freezing. i still feel shitty. i think it was dinner last nite, every time i eat now i feel sick. i got weighted yesterday... just barely 88. i drank soooo much water b4 and then didnt pee, i wanted 2 add as much weight as i could. it went up to 88, then back to 87, so i took this deep breath n it popped back up and the doc n mom just stood there staring at the number 2 c would it go back down so i stood there really still not moving til finally she was like, ok, its 88. ugh i feel so fat. but i cant lose any more or theyll send me away... i really dont no wat else to do.

so alexs party was last nite... i just made him a card, i didnt know wat 2 get him. the whole time in the car (dad insisted on driving me so that he could meet him even tho i was supposed 2 get a ride w maria) hes lecturing me on sex drugs alcohol n trust n all that shit pissing me off, then after he finally drops that he brings up the food thing saying im loosing weight agian and just totally being an asshole and getting me all upset. so by the time we get there im in a really bad mood n about 2 cry. so alex takes me up 2 his room until i calm down then we go back downstairs 2 where sweety and elliot n andres n grace r. its not just alexs party its like his bday n sum party 4 his mom combined so theres tons of ppl everywhere... and alcohol. sweety n elliot had beers so i was drinking sum of sweetys even tho it was soo nasty. then finally maria shows up n we talk a little until she dissapears off sumwhere. like a little later she comes back n shes acting all crazy. we were sitting on the couch n she pulls me back in2 her and is whispering that she just drank 2 beers by herself n shes already a lil drunk. so we go over 2 elliot cuz hes playing all these old songs n right behind him is all the bottles of alcohol n stuff. so we get him 2 pour us sum, i dont remember what it was. jack daniels i think. sweety was laughing at us saying, god u guys are gonna be so loaded! i drank like half n started feeling all hot n dizzyish n sweety was like, that was fast, u weight like wat, 2 ounces? so im sitting on the floor in the corner n marias blabbering away 2 sweety n i look over at andres n he looks kinda pissed, prolly cuz maria wasnt talking 2 him, i dont really know y. so i start sliding myself over 2 talk 2 him but then maria like leaps off the chair n slides after me going, o no no, where do u think ur going? so we start rolling all over the floor laughing, entwining our fingers around each other.... but eventually she got up n went off somewherem so i laid there on the floor 4 awhile then slid back over 2 sweety. i was like, wheres maria, i want maria, n hes like, yea i used 2 want her 2 but i think in a different way then u, n i was like, mm i dont think so... so then we were just talking for awhile i dont remember exactly wat about, but then i looked over n saw one of alexs cats chewing on my flip flop. so i slid over to the cat talking 2 it like no kitty, dont eat my shoe, come back in the corner w me and sweety. and i started luring it back w my flipflops. it was coming too untill james went and scared it off so i got kinda sad. i went over 2 sarah and was like, wheres the cat? james scared the cat away, have u seen the cat? n shes like, god britta, wat r u on? ok ill help u find the cat. so i started crawling all around calling 4 the cat n sarah was following me. then i got 2 the bottom of the stairs n kayla n cody were standing there looking down at me n shes like, can u walk? is that why ur sliding all around? and im like, i really dont know. then elliot comes down and tells me 2 come upstairs so we get up there n he leads me in2 alexs room n as soon as i walk in i c maria n she comes stumbling 2wards me calling my name and i start bawling all the sudden and shes bawling 2 and we hug each other n fall on the floor. were laying there n im like don't cry, y r u crying? n shes like, i dont knoooow!!! and im like, dont be sad, i love u, and start kissing her cheek. then she stops crying and we look at each other n just start 2 giggle and then were laughing uncontrollabley and then just start making out. stoner n elliot n sarah n andres were all in there 2 n they were like, ok really u guys need 2 stop now. and im like, no, we really dont, and andres is like ok im leaving. she was sitting on me and was like im not squashing u am i? and im like, no dont worry its a good squash. i had on my jacket still n was like, its really hot in here! so i started trying 2 take it off but i couldnt so she unzipped it for me and threw it across the room like sum mad woman n started 2 pull my shirt down. but then elliot said something so she went over 2 him n was like, u know elliot i dont know y i never told u this b4, but i really like u. but he was really good tho, the whole night he refused 2 do anything w her saying he couldnt cuz she was drunk n didnt know wat she was doing. he was the only one who really took care of us the whole time 2. he was trying 2 stop her but she kept coming on 2 him and i was laying on the floor watching them and then i started sobbing, i was crying, u always leave me 4 guys, u hate me! and she left him really fast n falls back on me comforting me and saying no i dont hate u! i love u, ive always loved u, and i was like, i love u 2, im gonna break up w alex and go out w u, and shes like, ur so bad, and started kissing my neck again. she asked me, do u really love natashia? and i sighed, yea, but she hates me. and she told me, she doesnt hate u, she just doesnt know u. then she rolled off me and whispered 2 me, would u care if i give eliot head? and im like, no as long as u do it 2 me 2, and shes like, ok, and goes over 2 him but he wont let her. i kept calling out, ellllliot, maria wants u... and hes like, yea im sure she does. it was funny. then i was like, ummmm, i think i need 2 pee! and they asked, do u know where the bathroom is? and im like i dont think so. so elliot gets up 2 take me and maria pulls me back down. i ran my hands down her sides n told her, i have 2 go pee now. ill be right back, ok? n she gets all excited like, ok ill go pee w/ u! just like when i was w courtney! and we both went in2 the bathroom but elliot was like, no u 2 r 2 messed up 2 be alone together n pulled her out in2 the hallway n stood there waiting 4 me w the door cracked open. i was sitting there peeing and started singing out, dont listen 2 me pee, cuz then i wont be able 2 go! n hes like, im not listening. when i was done i looked out of the crack n maria sticks her head in n goes, u know britta if i had a penis i woulda fucked u a long time ago, and i was like, if i had a penis id fuck u 2, and she was like really?! then she came in and sits on the toilet 2 pee and eliots like ok britta get out and i was like no i cant, we have 2 both be in here b/c she has 2 pee and i have 2 wash my hands. then we went back in his room n did stuff for awhile i dont really remember wat, till kayla ran upstairs saying marias dad was here 2 pick us up. we were like, shit! wat are we gonna do? but her dad ended up staying awhile 2 talk 2 the older ppl so i called mom 2 say i was staying later 2 so i could ride back w them but she said, no ur dad just left 2 come pick u up. i was like, shit! so we chilled out in alexs room sum more. i was more sober by then but maria was still staggering around the room going on about how we had 2 kill our parents n all this shit. then she zoned out n sat on the bed singing 2 herself and wouldnt answer anyone. finally alex came upstairs saying dad was there. so i got my stuff and elliots tryna get maria 2 snap out of it. he was saying, maria, brittas leaving now, over n over. so i go over n give her a hug n say ill sneak out later 2 c if shes ok n 4 her 2 wait up 4 me, n shes all serious, saying good luck, dont get in trouble britta, and im like dont get caught either, n shes like if we get in trouble well run away, and im like i promise! and alex has no clue wats going on cuz we hadnt seen each other all nite n hes like, is there sumthing going on i should no about? n eliots like, its one of their first times being drunk. n alex goes, ohhh, and gives me this sad concerned look. i turn back 2 maria and she sticks her finger in my face going, dont get caught britta dont get caught, so i start laughing and lick her finger and start sucking on it and elliots like, ok its time 4 u 2 go now, pulling me away, but i get away and give maria another kiss and alex is like, ohh, ok now! and pulls me away again, which pissed me off. i tryed 2 be normal around dad in the car. i kept babbling about stuff hoping he wouldnt ask me anything. if he thought it was weird i was being all nice 2 him he musta just thought it was cuz i had a good time at the party and forgave him 4 earlier cuz he never mentioned it.

wat is my problem?? im like madly in love w natashia... im madly obsessed. i kiss him and wish it was her. i dream her i breath her. i dont remember ever being like this w anyone else, n i dont know how 2 act around her b/c i dont know if shes straight or wat. and she probly is... listen 2 her go on about sam. in spanish i wanted 2 ask 4 her number but i couldnt make the words come out of my mouth (im so pathetic) i probly wont even c her again till next year cuz she lives off base n the only time i ever see her is here at school. well me n alex are talking more now. maria said he was calling himself a bad man cuz id been leaving at lunch n he never knew where i was. but i was so bored! andres n maria would be all over each other so id feel awkward sitting there w them, or id be w him but hed always be catchin up on homework or sumthin so id just go off on my own. but now the more we talk the more i c hes alot like me... y cant i just like him back?!? we were sitting on the benches yesterday and when i looked up i saw natashia soaking herself in sprinklers again. my heart just fluttered n i couldnt stop staring at her till she went away. i feel so bad 2... cuz yesterday he said he loved me for the first time n i said it back but i know i dont love him that way... i want 2 be her girl. i want her 2 be mine. dad called me in2 his room yesterday 2 talk, i almost had a freakin panic attack on the way upstairs wondering wat was it i did now. he all closed the door n started talking about my eating habits. i was like, wat brought this up again? we havnt talked about this in months! and he said he knows i dont like talking about it but hes noticing im loosing weight again n hes worried im going to end up killing myself and that its breaking his heart. i thought he might cry. i thought i was gonna cry. he asked me am i still eating and i said yea... even tho im not. all i eat is dinner, the rest i spit out if it goes in my mouth. he was saying this has been going on for over a year n soon its gonna catch up 2 me, and in another year ill be out of the house and out of his hands and whats gonna happen then b/c i wont have anyone 2 look after me n make sure i eat. i wonder about that 2. hes like, u know wat this can do 2 u but its like w/ smokers, they say they know wat theyre doing can kill them but they dont really believe it could ever happen 2 them. til it does. then he told me about how uncle nick died. it was so sad. i knew he had cancer but i didnt know all the details. he said uncle nick smoked pot n cigarettes every day almost since he was a teen, and one day he got this huge headache that wouldnt go away, so he went 2 the doctor n they did xrays n found 6 tumors in his brain. so they cut open his skull 2 test them n he said pieces of his brain splattered out b/c the tumors were so bad! then when they sewed his head back 2gether he started getting chemo but it wasnt working, n he started loosing feeling starting in his feet n slowly working its way up 2 until he could only open one eye, then he slipped in2 a coma and died. he asked, "do u think he woulda smoked so much if he knew he woulda died like that in the end?" i said no, n he goes, "if all ur organs fail n u die from this, do u think itll be worth it? cuz once they start 2 fail on u, u cant just change ur mind n say, o yea, i wanna eat now, cuz it doesnt work that way." it really made me think. but i cant change wat im doing b/c im so afraid 2 get fat. anyway i dont want 2 think about this. cuz as much as i hate it i love it and i know i cant stop. and the worst thing thats happened so far is when i run sumtimes i get dizzy or c spots. but all my blood n heart tests showed up fine. so im fine. im fine.

lalalalala, im going 2 fail this final... lalalalala, (i really dont care). :) peace!!

so down i want 2 scream cry stop die