wat is my problem?? im like madly in love w natashia... im madly obsessed. i kiss him and wish it was her. i dream her i breath her. i dont remember ever being like this w anyone else, n i dont know how 2 act around her b/c i dont know if shes straight or wat. and she probly is... listen 2 her go on about sam. in spanish i wanted 2 ask 4 her number but i couldnt make the words come out of my mouth (im so pathetic) i probly wont even c her again till next year cuz she lives off base n the only time i ever see her is here at school. well me n alex are talking more now. maria said he was calling himself a bad man cuz id been leaving at lunch n he never knew where i was. but i was so bored! andres n maria would be all over each other so id feel awkward sitting there w them, or id be w him but hed always be catchin up on homework or sumthin so id just go off on my own. but now the more we talk the more i c hes alot like me... y cant i just like him back?!? we were sitting on the benches yesterday and when i looked up i saw natashia soaking herself in sprinklers again. my heart just fluttered n i couldnt stop staring at her till she went away. i feel so bad 2... cuz yesterday he said he loved me for the first time n i said it back but i know i dont love him that way... i want 2 be her girl. i want her 2 be mine.

dad called me in2 his room yesterday 2 talk, i almost had a freakin panic attack on the way upstairs wondering wat was it i did now. he all closed the door n started talking about my eating habits. i was like, wat brought this up again? we havnt talked about this in months! and he said he knows i dont like talking about it but hes noticing im loosing weight again n hes worried im going to end up killing myself and that its breaking his heart. i thought he might cry. i thought i was gonna cry. he asked me am i still eating and i said yea... even tho im not. all i eat is dinner, the rest i spit out if it goes in my mouth. he was saying this has been going on for over a year n soon its gonna catch up 2 me, and in another year ill be out of the house and out of his hands and whats gonna happen then b/c i wont have anyone 2 look after me n make sure i eat. i wonder about that 2. hes like, u know wat this can do 2 u but its like w/ smokers, they say they know wat theyre doing can kill them but they dont really believe it could ever happen 2 them. til it does. then he told me about how uncle nick died. it was so sad. i knew he had cancer but i didnt know all the details. he said uncle nick smoked pot n cigarettes every day almost since he was a teen, and one day he got this huge headache that wouldnt go away, so he went 2 the doctor n they did xrays n found 6 tumors in his brain. so they cut open his skull 2 test them n he said pieces of his brain splattered out b/c the tumors were so bad! then when they sewed his head back 2gether he started getting chemo but it wasnt working, n he started loosing feeling starting in his feet n slowly working its way up 2 until he could only open one eye, then he slipped in2 a coma and died. he asked, "do u think he woulda smoked so much if he knew he woulda died like that in the end?" i said no, n he goes, "if all ur organs fail n u die from this, do u think itll be worth it? cuz once they start 2 fail on u, u cant just change ur mind n say, o yea, i wanna eat now, cuz it doesnt work that way." it really made me think. but i cant change wat im doing b/c im so afraid 2 get fat. anyway i dont want 2 think about this. cuz as much as i hate it i love it and i know i cant stop. and the worst thing thats happened so far is when i run sumtimes i get dizzy or c spots. but all my blood n heart tests showed up fine. so im fine. im fine.