God I am SO behing with updating this thing.

SO.

Me and Ryan broke up, but we are def okay. Then I was pretty much dating Carly, but Jordan and I got into a fight, and it made more sense to be in a long distance relationship with Jordan than with Carly. So we were good, coastin. Washed my blankets a thousand times, the ones she gave me that is, and slept on good mode for a while. Our communication started to die, and on Valentines day it became evident. We hardly talked all day, then I asked to skype, just so I could show her what I painted her, and she said no; it was game night. so I called her, and we talked for roughly 12 seconds. Also, I just need to get this typed up on here so I can remember it in years t come, or something like that. So we decided we needed to talk, so we could figure out how to communicate better.

I guess it is funny, but I said, "this sounds like a breakup talk haha"

"..."

"Great."

Or something like that. Funny now, not then. So it all got flipped.

I was the perfect storm of sad, angry, and confused, so that none of those ever really showed.

I kept trying to find solutions, I could visit once a month, talk/ skype every night, I even offered to transfew to CSUCI, that is how much I was willing to do, but she wasn't having any of it. I could tell she had her mind made up, but I wanted to keep trying. I got tot he point to wher eI said, "If you love me, then we can make this work, but if you don't, tell me now so I can move on" and her answer was "I don't know how I feel".

I will be damned if I have these strong feelings and not have them returned. That wasn't how I felt then, but whatever.

So, what I think, is that she just can't go through the next few years and be with someone who she isn't actually with. I understand, but I am not willing to let someone have fun and be with people under the pretense that I'll be there in two years. She is not getting the best of me, without taking the worst.

I understand that I can't give her what she wants, but that is just how it is going to be if she wont make some fucking changes. At least make some compromises.

OMFG. comeback kid you devil. It was always us against the world, now its just me. Hawt.

I'll get to good stuff I promise.

So yeah. She brought up me drinking, but why the hell should that matter, if I'm the one you love, than fuck the rest. So obviouselly, I was having a bad day, then a bad week.

I didn't talk to anyone about it at all almost. Since then people know, for example I literally told Peter as I am writing this.

I was planning on coming home on Thursday for her birthday, but that died. I mean FUCK, she couldn't wait one more fucking week? God damn. So not only am I not coming home, I am out over a hundred bucks.

I was gonna pay for the whole thing, but we settled on half and half and she keeps the tickets. Sucks but whatever. Let me pay for my new plugs, 00 bitches.

Good things. Almost. since then I am a lot better. Lonely, granted, but better.

I had a few talks with people, but nothing helpful or not ending with "lets get some drinks". Please no more drinks.

The one talk that actually helped was with Lindsay. We both needed to vent, and are in very similar circumstances. Plus, obvious histories are obvious. It just felt good. Then I had a few angsty moments, and she totally flipped my perspective on love with a fucking tumblr post.

"Falling in love doesn't suck, falling out of love sucks."

She actually said, "Oh c’mon, you know it’s true. It’s the falling OUT of love that sucks balls" but whatever.

This processed sucked because only two girls have REALLY broken up with me, so I'm just not used to it, but I am okay now. If anything, I am just mad, with a hint of lonely. Just a HINT.

The general concensus is that I need to stay single for ONCE. People said I wouldn't make it a week, but it is almost Tuesday.

More importantly, there are only two people I would even consider trying to be with, one of which is an impossibility, and the other, I only know her as "Purple Beanie".

We all know how easy I fall in love, and if you don't, just take it as a truth.

So, single it is. School sucks too. I just wanna be doneeee, but it wont come any faster. I want that painting out of my fucking room, which needs ot be cleaned SO bad. SO bad.

Can't live in yesterday. God DAMN you CBK.

My new shoes gave me the worst blisters. I think they might have gotten ifnected from all the mud too.

I played baseball with my residents, got beaned in the thigh by the fucking pitcher, got my feet infected by mud-death, then had a suprise ten mile run. Good.

I wanna talk to Lindsay, but she is asleep. I want to stay up late and talk to her, but I don't think it is going to happen, at least not tonight. Haow.

I need a nap.

*166* note to self

166 note to self