Lloyd. The 'dish. I'm still pissed off at him, and no, i'm not about to forgive him. He was in what you might consider a "slump". One he'd put himself into, but that's beside the point; everyone slips from time to time, right? Except that Lloyd enjoys slipping, quite clearly. God knows why, i'm beyond the point of really giving a shit. I'll tell you why shortly. But first; as i was saying, he was low, and i decided to help him out, like my friends do me when i'm stuck. I wrote to him in his journal (donut), a private entry (i still know his password from a while back). This is what i wrote:

~~~~~

I realise how intrusive this seems. But human contact for me at the moment is not an option.

I'm scared for you, and that's why i'm writing this.

Read me. Please. If you do not, you confim all the things peoeple are saying about you behind your back. If you do, you show, at least to yourself, that you are stronger than they think, and as strong as i've always thought you are.

My brother's worried. He's really worried, and you know that that's bad, because you know he rarely talks to me, and he's talked to me about you. He feels that every time he trys to talk to you, you push him away. I can understand why, but he wants to be there for you. Kris misses jamming with you, but can't handle you at the moment.

I've heard about your new friend. He does sound like me when Kyle knew me. He's a wise old sod, my brother.

He was telling me how you're trying to find your new self. But it's a concept he can't understand completely, because when you're hanging with Kris and him, or with me too, you're not "cyber-goth lloyd" or "pill-head lloyd". You're just Lloyd. And that's the Lloyd we love.

I'm concerned too. Kyle said he asked you why you're taking pills, and told me you said it was for "release". He got hooked up asking "release from what?". But that's irrelevant. Lloyd, it's taken me a year and a half to stop using drugs for "release". You're stronger than that. My brother, my mother, and everybody else who i asked, advised me not to let you party with me. I thought about it for a long time. They said you couldn't handle it, and i was convinced you could, that you would be able to handle it. Now i'm dissappointed, because you've proved them right, and i had a lot of faith in you. Sorry dude, but its the truth. Pills are for enhancing reality, not escaping it, just like all drugs should be. Heroin, crack, those are escapist drugs, junkie drugs. Nobody, least of all me, who -you know- has seen junkies fucked up beyond all help (not talking Ellie, thats nothing [ed: in context]) wants to see you go down that road. Because it's so easy.

I lost a great deal of your respect when i got into drugs. Do you remember? Don't let yourself down man. Please. We're all here for you, we really are. But eventually, one by one, all the people who've stuck by you are going to drop out. They can only hold on so much before you push them away completely. Please just remember who your real friends are. Please remember who has stuck by you, and will always try to. I'm always here, i've been through some shit, i hope you feel i can relate to you in someway, and so i hope you feel you can come to me. We love you dude.

chris

~~~~~

Wanna know his reply? You ready for this?

~~~~~

oh my god, i really should talk to someone about this.

truth be told, i've just made a mountain out of a molehill! i don't know how to explain in words.

one thing i do know how to explain, what the fuck does one say to the biggest stick in the mud about drugs? 'uh, for fun.' you know what kyle's like. and maybe i have been pushing everyone away, but maybe that's because i feel like i'm changing, i'm growing all new ideals and becoming altogether very different from kyle and kris. i've never really felt comfortable talking to kyle about feelings, y'know, cos he's so fucking uptight all the time. and another thing, for kyle to feel like he can fuckin psychoanalyze everyone the way he does, that fucks me off to no end. feels he can label and stereotype everyone. and that he can judge everyone. that he can judge me. NO. he can't judge me because he's a cunt and has NO real experience of anything in the REAL WORLD because he's married to fucking drama. he's too busy fuelling his mind with BULLSHIT FALSE REALITY. i'm sick of his fucking giant ego, i'm sick of HIM repremanding me and feeling like he can boss me around. he's a motherfuckingcuntasshole and i hope he dies the death of a thousand martyrs.

i'm very VERY angry, and very very tired and the sad sad truth is that my using isn't as bad as everyone is under the impression it is for SWEET MOTHER FUCK KNOWS WHY. god alone knows why, but the minute i mentioned pills to kyle, he blew it out of proportion and disowned me, refused even to give me a hug goodbye. way to make me feel loved and supported, great friend. well fuck that. fuck him. fuck everyone. given the opportunity i would KILL EVERYONE WITH A MOTHERFUCKING BROKEN GLASS BOTTLE BECAUSE I'M SUCH A FUCKING ANGRY LLOYD BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK CAN'T PEOPLE JUST FUCKING GET OVER THEMSELVES, GET OVER ME, GET OVER WHATEVER STUPID FUCKING HANGUPS ARE KEEPING THEM FROM JUST LEAVING ME THE FUCK ALONE. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. can't cope with this, i have art work to do. my friend tash is spending the day here with me. i know real pain and suffering because i know tash. stick-thin, she lives in a rented room in a shared house just off oxford road at the tender age of seventeen. since all of her friends go to college, she is very lonely, especially since she can't go back to college and has to work full time. her parents disowned her. this is her week off. all she's been doing is going out and getting very very drunk in her free time. she doesn't eat properly, just pays her rent and goes out drinking. and the tragedy of my life is that i want what she has.

i'm still angry.

end transmission.

~~~~~

Fucking little whiny shit. My brother read this and cried. My brother NEVER cries. He hates crying. I feel sick writing this. What's the worst part? That Kyle's forgiven him.

Fuck Lloyd.

At the time, i even wrote a reply, god help me. And i almost made the mistake of forgiving him. This is what i wrote. Stupid me.

~~~~~

We're worried. That's all. There's no need to hate us because of that fact. Why do you do that, anyway?

See, now i'm pissed with you too, because you just shat all over my brother. That's harsh man, no matter how you're feeling. You're not gonna have anyone left soon. I know you're angry, but hold some of it in. Kyle loves you unconditionally; you KNOW that he'll be here for you when you're ready. But if you hurt him much more, i can't promise that fact.

Pain and suffering is what you make it, like life. I did what your friend's doing. That's not pain and suffering, alcohol is self-induced. If she's in a bad state, get drink counselling. I'm getting drug and drink counselling, i can tell her how it goes if she's interested. My old heroin junkie friends are in much worse states, but they were too far gone to get help. I'm glad you want to help her though, that's good. Bring her up though, don't let her slide down. I've been letting Ellie slide, pumping her full of drugs and ideals of escapism. But i gotta be there for her; she's not strong enough to realise she IS strong enough to do it on her own. I actually just got a call from her, told her that i was writing about her, and just admitted what i just wrote to her. Ooh.

Yeah, I know drugs are great fun, i still LOVE my drugs. But i love the people who love me more. I'm off the drugs now so i can be here. For the first time, i've got Kyle back as a brother. Not cause he went away, but cause i did. People are worried most about you using because you've shown them that you don't have a lot of control. Nobody thinks you can hold yourself together man! If you wanna prove them wrong, show that you don't need to get off your face to be happy.

Dude, i'm here for you man, but please don't push me away too.

~~~~~

Maggot. Fucking dirty maggot. He's hurt my brother. He KEEPS hurting my brother. He's hurt Kris, he's hurt Kris' mum, he's hurt my mum. He's hurt every single person that's ever tried to help him. And now he's tried to hurt Miranda, and THAT IS NOT FUCKING ON. Lloyd wants to stay away, or i will hurt him.

I am NOT a happy bunny right now.