It seems that i'm a very self-absorbed person. I've found an article called "How to tell if you're self-absorbed". Perhaps the fact that i'm answering this here means that i am, indeed, self absorbed. However, seeing the world. Perhaps i am not. Maybe it's just a little. In any case, i'm seeing relationships as a two-way street, whereas i used to give and give and feel resentful when i got nothing back. Now, i expect to be given things back, otherwise i will give less. If i get nothing, or just a little, that is what i will give in return. My old self would try and work out just what it was that i was doing wrong when someone wasn't putting as much into me as i was them. My new self can't be fucked with this kind of excessive giving. While i will, still, give a lot in the beginning of anything, if it's not returned, then i will give less and less, until what i'm giving matches how much the person i'm responding to is giving. This seems to be how most other people work.

I still don't fully understand people. But seeing myself more in this world, instead of others so much, i can understand a substantial amount more. It's quite sickening, how much pain and misery people cause to themselves.

Anyway, self-absorbed questionarre thingy:

1. You try to win over everybody else around you by setting unrealistic goals. If you engross yourself around the clock in goals impossible to achieve, then you can be considered self-absorbed.

Uhm, no. Not any more.

2. Think you are "too good" for the friends and loved ones who have done nothing sinful but be caring to you?

Again, no. I'm starting to wonder if the feelings i thought people feel for me are really what i think they are; i'm seeing more than i've ever seen. This is not a bad thing, and i've talked it over with my my mum, the one person who knows me best (in all the ways she can, obviously).

3. Believe that you are so appealing, you can cheat on your partner and be with as many dates as possible.

No. This trait was lost a long time ago.

4. Think your problems and needs are the only things that matter.

Not at all. Not in the slightest. Before, though, i think this was true. I realised other people had "problems and needs", but i was too busy worrying about my own to be concerned with them.

5. Buy too many expensive things for yourself, branded things that you want but do not exactly need.

No. I enjoy shopping, but i'll never buy anything that serves no good purpose, such as something that simlpy makes me look betetr than everyone else.

6. Set "standards" for who should be allowed to talk to you.

True to an extent. I don't like talking to certain people, and i don't like them talking to me, but i DO work in a shop. Outside of work, i would talk to pretty much anybody, but it's easier to tell, after talking to a wide variety of people, who's really worth listening to, and who's boring, selfish, or has nothing to offer.

Tips for the self-absorbed

+ Seek help, be more open

- Yes, i need to work on this. Otherwise i'm gonna think myself to death. My thoughts aren't stopping; they'd normally clog up, but they're just not. It's very, very strange.

+ Remember this quote, "Perfection spells paralysis"

- Yeah, okay.

+ Do not be afraid to cry

- I am not afraid to cry. I've always known that anyone who scoffs at a person crying has insecurities of their own that they've been unable to get past.

+ If you are self-absorbed as a result of others bullying you in the past, do not trash-talk innocent people who care about you.

- I do nothing like this. People who do sicken me.

+ When you save your energy only for yourself, and do not care for others.. You will have a boring life

- Perhaps, but perhaps the fact that i finally am using my energy for myself, instead of always for others, is a good thing?

+ Talk to someone you trust

- It's hard to find someone i trust at the moment. I don't know what i want.

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Continuing on; no, i don't know what i want. Being "normal" has just complicated things and made everything a lot blurrier. Hell, i don't know who i am right now. I DO know i'm different. But who have i become? It scares me to see myself as i am now. It's unfamiliar. However! I can see the drive for success and achievement in me.

On a slightly unrelated note, i WILL NOT be dragged down by those who believe money means success. Happiness means success, and money doesn't equal happiness. Fulfillment, for me, equals happiness.

Who am i?

~~~~~

More 'research':

"Self absorbed: does things primarily for the benefit of themself, puts their feelings first, can't do anything when they don't feel good, swayed by their emotions, more concerned with themself than others, prefers personal glory over team victories, pleasure seeker, uses their looks to get what they want, gets angry when they don't get what they want, dramatizes their suffering, wealth seeking, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic"

No, this does not sound like me. This sounds like Ellie. And that's not me being cruel, at all.

~~~~~

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power.