I am depressed I might as well and come out and admit. I have forgotten how to feel what is good in the world and can only remember the pain. My mother has been sick for so long that I have forgotten what it was like when she was happy. I have to give up on a so many dreams. So many dreams are just out of my reach. To so far away that I can no longer reach out to feel them. I have forgotten how much I used to love. How much I used to care. Now I just feel and empty void of depression. This all consuming darkness choking out my soul. It just keep getting worse and worse as each day passes on. Like a cancerous tumor eating away my very hope. I am so lonely and so cold inside that i cant even feel warmth anymore. At times it will tingle up in me when I am with a few special people that make me feel good inside. But those people are becoming less and of a help to me. Soon they will be just the same as everyone else. A cold peice of anguish. I have never truly been depressed before. I dont like it one bit. I feel like i have lost everything and nothing is coming in to replace it. This isnt some chemical inbalance in my brain. It is the accumulation if pain that I have tried to acknowledge and accept, But to much is coming in at once for me to repair it all. Then it builds up and keeps coming and I cant seem to fix any of it anymore. None of the hurt leaves me. It just keeps circling around me and filing me back with the same hurt over and over again. None of it will go away. I dont know how to deal with the pain any more. I dont know who to talk to . Who i can trust. Im ot sure about any one that is close to me now. Not a single one. I just want to feel happy again. Not like i am trapped in an endless cycle of hell. I want to dream and draw agian. I havent drawn anything is almost a years time. I cant seem to create any more. This banality of the world is consuming my very creative soul. There is no inspiration on me. No light in which i can create. No room for love...or compassion. What litttle I have left is trying to escape. Drowned out by the darkness. My wil is broken. My heart is dead and I have long passed the point were i can just mindlessly numb out the pain. Ive tried and I ve tried agian. But it just stays there. I dont cry any more either. That too has been stripped of me. I mostly just sleep. Wake to work and sleep some more. Thats all I can seem to muster. Even that is becoming harder. Soon I know i will not be able to sleep just lie in a half slumber racked by nighmarres of my past and lost in my own insanity. Not much longer before i reach the bottom of reserves and i forget what it felt like to be happy. When that time comes i do not know how long I will be able to ho;d on to this life. But i am not there yet. Eventually this numbness has to lift. OR i fear i will never feel joy again,