midway through the conversation there were tears rolling down my cheeks and i was sniffling. i was trying hard not to make that pathetic sob sound. we speak in riddles and dance around in circles before there's a take off and finally a landing. we arent at Final Destination and couldnt be with the load of crap we took with us. by the end of the day i'm suppose to be ok. i'm thinking about it already and that's never good because when i think of things too much they dont tend to happen. i wanted to go to six flags one day and i thought about it too much so then it started to rain. i stood on a rock over a hill and the rain pounded me down. we never made it to six flags. i seem to be cursed. midway through the conversation we were serious and yet not. we were answering each other quickly so i know i had his full attention. most of this hurts a lot. most of my time hurts a lot. a lot of it is my fault. i dont blame anyone. that is, i shouldnt blame anyone. he just wants the truth and i just want to let go and cry forever. crying just feels so good. yet feels so bad. it's interesting how the days are going by. going away. staying. leaving. kicking back. unable to get to sleep. "it's just life" those words make me so angry the tears start building and falling faster. how can one say that? how can you say that to me? i need to learn how to protect me. i need to learn how to be strong. i need to learn to stop floating around and just swim. because that's the only way i will survive. i have to survive. -amanda