so im totally burn out today. seriously.... this weekend was the best. karry and nick and phil and page.... for a litttle while.. then we all broke off.. i met up with angel butt we didint talk very long. then at like 10... i met these two guys,,, antonio and eli. well eli declared i was his... i eman hes older then me.. butt they live in the bronx... he is supposed to call me sometime this weeek and let me know if hes coming down... THEY HAD PURPLE HAZE!!!!! oh man its teh best shit.... and then we had it again saturday night.... it was funny i stole karry away from nick and the 4 of us hung out and drank. chad was a little pissed... he didint want me to hang arounjd with them.... and tongith.... dylan,chad, and an old old dfrend Derek is over and he brought 2 of his friends... derek and his friend phil are major league hotttttt!!! and the girl is cute 2.. butt theyre older and dont date younger... so im out of the picture... butt its ok... derek and i were never really close... butt oh welll.... i think im gonna give on trying to get anthony lloyd... he seems happy with his girlfriend.... i guess we'll jsut b friends.. its all good. TJ is supposed to come over tongiht and jam too.. well sing *hehe* im waiting for tracy to call bac kto let me know when shes gonna cut my hair....i wrote al lot.... oh welll

i understand now why he chose her over me... and im gonna let it go.... none really knows our whole story.. butt i was inlove wiht.. and im more in love with him now more than ever. butt as far as im concerned he never really loved me... im just gonna have to get over that. thats what hurts the most... at night .. all i dream about are the memories we shared... now i wonder if they were just a dream....he is the only person i was able to trust for the longest time.... mi mistake... i dont regret falling inlove with him... id still die for him... butt i dont know if he ever really loved me...a nd his word means nothing to me now... it just hit me that now im alone... maybe ive always been alone... maybe not.. i dunno anymore...

he runied mus... now im gonna ruin my life and take him down in the process so last nigth after work.... meg caught him walking with karry... he was supposed to wait for me... i mean we only had sex 3times yesterday.... so she asked him what he was doing " i can have friends" is what he said .... so meg said " not friends qwith benefits" hes supposed to b with me.. he said he was... he wanted to start over... well when i got off work.. he got in my face... and said hes gonna go have sex with her..... so i told my mom everything.... and if he were to show up tonight.... we were gonna call the cops... im getting a PFA against him.... its Protection From Abuse..... i love him soo much.. butt all he does is hurt me... mom understands.. shes going through a divorce with dad... i guess thats what nick and i are going through.... soi have the divorce and nick to deal with... mom and i were gonna call the cops on dad and nick... butt we're blth drunk.... lets see what happens tomorrw... the bad part is... i work with karry. and it hurts so much.... so fuck life.... fuck love.... im not even sre if this whole year and half with him was a lie or not... thats what hurts the most....im gonna go back to the way i was.... screw trying to b a beter person for someone.... he couldnt eve n be honest with me.... im lost and am in soo much pain.... more than anyone can imagine... it sucks.... so ive been drinking... that'll make him happy. i HOPE hes happy with her... the PFA is more for me that for him.. i wana forgwt about him... butt ill never find anyone that im comfprtable with.... like i was with him... i need to b put in line and knocked around... he taught me to fight... well that was a mistake.. ive already broke 2 of his ribs.... and ihave witnesses.. if he comes tomorrow.. itll b self defence....

he runied mus... now im gonna ruin my life and take him down in the process so last nigth after work.... meg caught him walking with karry... he was supposed to wait for me... i mean we only had sex 3times yesterday.... so she asked him what he was doing " i can have friends" is what he said .... so meg said " not friends qwith benefits" hes supposed to b with me.. he said he was... he wanted to start over... well when i got off work.. he got in my face... and said hes gonna go have sex with her..... so i told my mom everything.... and if he were to show up tonight.... we were gonna call the cops... im getting a PFA against him.... its Protection From Abuse..... i love him soo much.. butt all he does is hurt me... mom understands.. shes going through a divorce with dad... i guess thats what nick and i are going through.... soi have the divorce and nick to deal with... mom and i were gonna call the cops on dad and nick... butt we're blth drunk.... lets see what happens tomorrw... the bad part is... i work with karry. and it hurts so much.... so fuck life.... fuck love.... im not even sre if this whole year and half with him was a lie or not... thats what hurts the most....im gonna go back to the way i was.... screw trying to b a beter person for someone.... he couldnt eve n be honest with me.... im lost and am in soo much pain.... more than anyone can imagine... it sucks.... so ive been drinking... that'll make him happy. i HOPE hes happy with her... the PFA is more for me that for him.. i wana forgwt about him... butt ill never find anyone that im comfprtable with.... like i was with him... i need to b put in line and knocked around... he taught me to fight... well that was a mistake.. ive already broke 2 of his ribs.... and ihave witnesses.. if he comes tomorrow.. itll b self defence....

im so confused and hurting. apparently mi mom is getting kicked out of the house.... mi dad is winning the divorce. it sucks kind of. i have to decide who i wanna live with. uncle chuck is trying to go back into the service. he wants me to support him.. yet he invited me to go to washington DC for a war protest. i am supposed to see nick tomorrow... butti havent talked to him since tuesday.. so im not sure whats going on. we started talkingagain like we used to.. andi understand why he turned to karry and not me.butt it still hurtds.... he finally hit his breaking point and went crazy.. butt i got him back on track.. buttt nowi cant find him..and it sucks bc i got so close to him those 3days on the phone..adn now i havent talked to him in 2days... it hurts so much.. he doesnt get that my heart is aching... butt waht else is new... im trying to b happy.. butt at night.. when ithink of everythin... all iwanna do is get fucked up... and that doesnt solve anything.... whatever. i swear i cant stand this bopolar stuff... i cant control it all the time... im tryingbutt its wearing me out

im so confused and hurting. apparently mi mom is getting kicked out of the house.... mi dad is winning the divorce. it sucks kind of. i have to decide who i wanna live with. uncle chuck is trying to go back into the service. he wants me to support him.. yet he invited me to go to washington DC for a war protest. i am supposed to see nick tomorrow... butti havent talked to him since tuesday.. so im not sure whats going on. we started talkingagain like we used to.. andi understand why he turned to karry and not me.butt it still hurtds.... he finally hit his breaking point and went crazy.. butt i got him back on track.. buttt nowi cant find him..and it sucks bc i got so close to him those 3days on the phone..adn now i havent talked to him in 2days... it hurts so much.. he doesnt get that my heart is aching... butt waht else is new... im trying to b happy.. butt at night.. when ithink of everythin... all iwanna do is get fucked up... and that doesnt solve anything.... whatever. i swear i cant stand this bopolar stuff... i cant control it all the time... im tryingbutt its wearing me out

oh my goodness. so today was the 1st day of school. it was fun seeing everyone again. butt i cant stand mi schedule. mi first few classes are all preps..... so nick and i .... i think we're gettin bac ktogether... i think im getting him to calm down. its all goos. he's calling ill... brb

ummmmmmmmmmmmmm... so tuesday .. mom drove ivy chad ant and i to atlantic city.. grandma was there and of course we hardly saw her... she was i nthe casinos.... tuesday night ivy and were jumping in the elevator... and when it hit the 2nd floor... we jumped ... adn the elevator droped 6feet and stayed there....we were stuck in the elevator for an hour... the fire department had to come and get us out... we climbed through a hole that was like 1.5 feet tall... i was crying and laughin at the same time.. ivy was going nuts and when the lights went out.. thats when it hit us.. that we were stuck.... i called nick and he said he didint feel good and he wanted to sleep.. all i wanted was for him to b there for me and he wasnt.... i had to see the doctor.. bc i was hyperventilating... it was like 1 in the morning when they got us out... then we went to the boardwalk and stuff... it was fun i cant wait to go back to school... im gonna change mi rep... i dont like what it was last year

so ya let me tell u the hole story from last night the girls at work and i were gonna jump nick and karry... but i didnt want them to get hurt. so when i got off work.. i found nick and karry together.,, they were laying down.. they had stolen beer from landers and the cops were called on them,.... i didnt care.. i went up to nick and started kicking him... i think i broke his ribs.. he got up so i started pushing him around and slapping him... then him and i got into it.... kary had a friend with her,.,,, and when i went after karry.... the girl got in mi face.. so i had to deal with her.... i was going on a rampage.. butt the cops showed up.we had to empty our purses and pockets.. they found karry's bowl.. shes such a stupid bitxch.. she let /made nick take the blame for it... nowim gonna get her for being a bitch./.. i made her apoligize to me fro fooling around with nick... i met up with jer .... nick told me if he ever saw jeremy again... he would kill him... so jer and i drove up to see nick and the state trooper at landers and mi bro followed... nick is gonna give names... i know he will... and if he does... its finally over... noone wants to have anything to do with him... last night was bad... butt i told mi mom the truth something else happened butt i cant write it down... because someone who shouldnt read it ... might

so ya let me tell u the hole story from last night the girls at work and i were gonna jump nick and karry... but i didnt want them to get hurt. so when i got off work.. i found nick and karry together.,, they were laying down.. they had stolen beer from landers and the cops were called on them,.... i didnt care.. i went up to nick and started kicking him... i think i broke his ribs.. he got up so i started pushing him around and slapping him... then him and i got into it.... kary had a friend with her,.,,, and when i went after karry.... the girl got in mi face.. so i had to deal with her.... i was going on a rampage.. butt the cops showed up.we had to empty our purses and pockets.. they found karry's bowl.. shes such a stupid bitxch.. she let /made nick take the blame for it... nowim gonna get her for being a bitch./.. i made her apoligize to me fro fooling around with nick... i met up with jer .... nick told me if he ever saw jeremy again... he would kill him... so jer and i drove up to see nick and the state trooper at landers and mi bro followed... nick is gonna give names... i know he will... and if he does... its finally over... noone wants to have anything to do with him... last night was bad... butt i told mi mom the truth something else happened butt i cant write it down... because someone who shouldnt read it ... might

so ya.... im after chelsie because she got tom my in a lot of troubly fro something he didnt do.... (i hope) butt tomorrow... if nick comes over... im gonna make him and karry pay.... so he had sex with that nicole girl only 3 times not 4.... next time she e ver comes around this place... i willl beat the livinv shit out of her.... i blame njick./.. butt i also blame the girls bc they all knew he was with me... well.. im not taking anyones shit anymore.... sorry... imdone with that mi dad is an asshole and trying to get me busted for drugs i dont have.. hes blackmailing me.... it was his fault... he cant take the truth i finally got power back call me matty (2796)

im done with love.... nick cheated on me again... and he dissed me and shit abotu me to my friends... its my fault for beliving things have changed.. butt they havent... he hurt me again... im not even sure if i have a heart left... i stil lcare about the gang.. butt those 3 stupid words hold no meaning to me anymore.... he wont even say it to my face... i caugth him with other girls... he broke his promises... im stupid for gettin back into this... im gonna make him pay.... ill make karry pay too... wait and see... i fee llike shit... im gonna get a restraining order against him tooo.... and at the fair... *hehe* he-'ll pay alright... just wait and see

im done with love.... nick cheated on me again... and he dissed me and shit abotu me to my friends... its my fault for beliving things have changed.. butt they havent... he hurt me again... im not even sure if i have a heart left... i stil lcare about the gang.. butt those 3 stupid words hold no meaning to me anymore.... he wont even say it to my face... i caugth him with other girls... he broke his promises... im stupid for gettin back into this... im gonna make him pay.... ill make karry pay too... wait and see... i fee llike shit... im gonna get a restraining order against him tooo.... and at the fair... *hehe* he-'ll pay alright... just wait and see

u know what i cant stand.. over prtective moms.... seriouslyu...we need to b able to make our own choices...... even if we make the wrong ones...its our life.... ya u have a part of it... butt its nto your life. mi mom always tells me " i gave you life and i can take it away"... im grateful for mi mom... butt im old enough to know whats rigth and wwrong... i dont wear diapers anymore.... i cant wait for school. i have to go back to work.. so im gonna hit the shower

damn it he did it to me again.... nick told me he would come over today.... butt he never showed up... i waited for hours... and he never showed.. then he drove past the house with tom at noon,,.... butt he never stopped. he went to a party last night... butt jer and tom came back... i dunno a bout him.... he disses me for beer and drugs ./ i mean he promised me he'd stay away from karry... it makes me wonder... what else is he hidin from me.... or who... i dont trust him and i have the right not tooo... mi head is telling me to just say fuck him... butt my heart....hes breaking mty heart butt i still love him school starts on the 29... and things will change... mi life at home and at school are two completely diferent lives .... i feel liek im liveing 3 lives and i dunno what to do... i dont really know who the hell i am... ya i can make decisions for myslef .. butt im never fully ahppy with them.. im confused i dyed my hair again.. it looks really cute... its a more natural color... butt for school im gonig to red... then back to mi burgundy... its mi favorite... i feel like crap... i think im getting sick a gain.... and its killing me... im soo worn out... i have to work today at 5.. butt t philippe is coming in.. so i dont have to do everything by myself... its ok... im going to the FAIR ON WEDNSEDAY and on the 23,24,25 i'll b in atlantic city with mi bro mi mom my g-ma anthony lloyd nad ivy... its gonna b a blast...

im so exhausted.... i didint have a very good sleep at all.... i mean i slept lik 10 hours and stuff... butt it was a restless slepp... whateevr.... so asley jamie jer and i went over to tommmys and i saw mi boy... hes comin over tomorrow again.. mi happy i think.... reallly i am.... i dunno... i had freaky dreams and stufff last nigt...and mi spelling sux... sorry im worn and i think im gettting sick again... so i got the shot the other day... so i cant get pregnetn and im gonnna lose my period... itscool.... mi only problem is that stress promotes bgleeding... and i have a lot of stresss august 23-24 im going to atlantic city... yay then school starts on the 29th ...i cant wait.... really i cant... butt im trying to lose a few more pounds before i go school shopping in 2 weeks

matt_ i never seem to get in touch with you... u have to call me.... plain and simple... 224-2796.. or just stop by the hosue.... seriously.. ya i am bi-polar.. i cant help it.. mi mom and mi bro are

im going to warped tour IM GOIGN TO WARPED TOUR! IM GOING TO WARPED TOUR!! MEAGHAN ANDI ARE GOING TO WARPED TOUR!!! WE'RE GOING TO WARPED TOUR!!!!!!!! so mi parents suck.... big deal... but thenext time... i will lash back at her and i will elaev again... i have no prob. with dad....

im jsut sitting here... trying to find myslef.. i need to rewind myself.. i dont remember the rwest of the words... mi guinea pig is in labor.. its sooo rad. so yesterday jer,mat,tom,nicole.nick and i all hung out in honesadle.... i missed matt soo much.. it was great to see him again... nick pissed me off.. butt its ok.,.,, its jsut that... i dont see jer much anymore.. bc mi parents dont like nick...and jer is friends with nick now... i got my shot yesterday.//// so i wont have my period.. andi wont get pregnent!!!! butt nick andi are still trying for kids... its all good i wish mat webb wasnt soo lazy

so ya... i started cleanin my room and everything... jeremy came in and passed out on mi bed.... so i stopped cleaning and laid down with him for a few... butt it gott too hott... anthony just left with barry,braqndon,jim,anthony//// anthony and jim lloyd stayed here last night... and theyre coming back in a coupledays!!! anthony lloyd wanted to kick nicks ass for hittin me.... it was funny... i kind of wish he did tooo.... honestly... i like ant he's pretty cool BRENDA IS MOVING!!!!!!!! im gonna cry HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGHAN MY LOVER