2 years. It feels so distant. Let me recap. I made it back to Germany in one piece. I cannot remember much after that. Darkness took me. Much was like it is now. I completed school and had to look for a job. Eventually - in a nutshell - I made it to cologne for an internship at a sound studio. I took most of the time to heal some wounds, get on track with my life, get back into game development and talk to old friends of mine. Eventually, in fact, I started to have fun. I met with Flo and spent roughly 6 months in cologne. Back in Berlin, in November of 2006, it didn't take long for me to get a job in Hamburg. Game Development, the one thing I always wanted to do. To make a long story short - I've been living in Hamburg for the past year now. I made lots of contacts, but I guess you can hardly call them friends... I was never really the most outgoing person. Apart from the job, and the fact that I'll be doing my driver's license soon - the biggest news is my new girlfriend - Sibel. We met online, while I was chatting in some dating rooms. I guess I was sick of my past, and just took the chance and time to sit down and change things in my life. Seemed to have worked. It will take me a while to fully express the things that have happened, the relationship between Sibel and I and just my life in general. I don't have much strength to write anymore. I don't have much strength for anything anymore. Yes I know - its confusing to read when there is absolutely no reason that I shouldn't be happy and motivated and alive. I guess the fact that even now I seem to be emotionally unstable - within a relationship and a life of my own - it shows that something is wrong. something is very wrong. Perhaps I'm just not a happy person. Perhaps I take things to hard on myself or I am a victim of my own emotions as someone once told me.

This will be my final and last entry. A lot of things have happened and changed since I arrived back in Germany. I need to let go of the past - and I need to let go of certain people and move on. Part of that was my trip to the states in the first place, part of that will be my last entry here in this journal. It tells of my life in the past - of my good times, of my depressive times - my loved ones, my enemies - this journal has been with me for a long time - and through the publication, it made some hearts flatter, but also broke a few. I will uncover private entries and publish those too, and who knows - I may come back to finish my Diary about Rae - the only girl friend I had in my life. But for now, I will say goodbye.

Last day today - tomorrow im back in germany. kinda sad but also exciting. "It'll be an adventure" - lol, at least thats what Shelby would say :) Yea I'll miss my time here...its always wonderful when I'm over here - but the last couple of days have been a little depressing.. o well. I just got back from shopping and had to get an extra bag - lol. quite funny actually cuz I always seem to come back from trips with an extra bag. Damn - i was supposed to hang out with a friend of mine today, and we took way longer with shopping than I had thought we would - and now I can't get a hold of her. its sad - i wanna see all these ppl before I leave and I feel like i'm not gonna have the chance. we'll see how it goes - i guess my next entry will be back from home in germany. :) see ya

wow - I'm actually happy. Christmas is over - I had a tremendous blast - and the next couple days will be quite awesome as well. Gonna go see some friends in a bit - actually throughout the entire day, and then there is a party tomorrow supposively. Can't wait :) Anyways - the ass-slap with that girl the other day is settled - I'm soo glad. We were both just confused that day over our feelings I suppose - because everything went pretty fast - and I said that since I'll be leaving in a week - its not really the time to argue and discuss - so there is a choice to be made. Well - we're meeting up today - so the choice has been made. I'm happy. :)

so uhmmmm yeeaa....I hung out with Cassie yesterday - shes back from Canada and we spent some time at Liz's house and started watching a couple movies....and... ....ok I have no clue - cuz Cassie is just a good friend of mine - we had lots of fun when I was part of the exchange program, but one thing led to the next and we started making out all night - it was craaaazy. I'm soo confused, because same shit happened with Steffanie, and its just insane. Well - at least i'm enjoying my time - but with Cassie its so strange - like I wouldnt wanna date her and all - but for some reason I always feel this butterfly feeling around her - and shes the only TRUE FRIEND (nothing more) - with whom this ever happened... im pretty confused, but ok. it couldve gone to sex - but it was like 5am in the morning - which is a fucked up excuse, but ok. it was interesting to realize that both of us made different moves on eachother. im not gonna go into detail - but it was just - well it puts a smile on my face.

so yea - im getting soo much better now, its hella tight. im so sick of drama and some ppl just need to grow up and be mature...i have nothing else to add or do! its an awesome feeling, cuz it took me some time. Im a very caring person and sometimes i even try to help or be there for ppl when its really not my place to be...and I think im off from that! so SCREW U BIATCHES!! lol yea o well - im gonna head to bed!

wtf...Max was laying in my arms the other night at the Teen Center - and i didnt care...its good to have someone in ur arms...its not like I felt anything for her - so yea - Max goes off and tells Rae about it and Rae also knows that im spending my time at Brandis house, and she goes all like - do you think Felix's gonna end up with Brandi - do you feel something for Felix? being all protective and shit - and im just like sitting here - going WTF... I dunno - its sorta annoying me - because she didnt show any concern or feelings or whatever towards me, when she was around me (Rae that is)...sooo i dunno why she would be all protective and shit. anyways...whatever.

I would like to take the oppertunity and thank the following people for their support: Kristen Max Alex Steffanie Shelby Debbie Liz Chari Chari as well as special thanks to: Brandi

well - lots of things happened since I last wrote. Here's the bottom line, although its unusual for someone to write it at the beginning, lol: I'm doing actually really good, I'm happy and all - yes I'm even smiling. I'm ok with being in love, and realizing that it would never work out - and I think its pretty safe to say that I'm completely over Rae. I guess, in some way, I took this trip to sort my feelings and get them straight - so now there you have it. I feel happy :) Yea well - where can I start, its a pretty bitch-ass long story. This trip started off pretty harmless - Rachel and I lived under one roof and things were weird for a while, but we were having a good time, and then suddenly shit just hit the fan, and things broke apart. Rachel started hanging out with her friends every single night, and I stayed home. She came home late, meeting up with Ryan, her boyfriend and it just put me down emotionally and I was getting frustrated. So anyways, I talked to her friends and all, and I did quite a bit of councelling while I was up here - and everyones worried about Rae and no one knows whats going on - so anyways. We did have a really nice Birthday with her. She was actually happy and we were able to talk and laugh - and the next day is really when shit went crazy. She was going to work and promised me to be back, so we could watch "Ring 2", which I had just bought and never saw, and so I waited until her shift ended, and she came home and all - and freshened up in the bathroom. So then her dad walks in and asks her about plans for tonite, and Rae goes "Stayin home, unless you're gonna allow me to hang out with Kristen" - so at that point I was already like "uhh, wtf....what about the movie". So her dad is all like "nahh its fine, I think its a good idea if you stay home" and so like they get into an argument and Rae eventually gets her dad to allow her to hang out with Kristen. Anyways, Rae goes off making completely different plans when she promised to watch a movie with me, and goes downstairs to get ready, and her mom confronts her about plans with Kristen, and doesnt want to let Rachel go. So Rachel gets pissed and it just breaks the ice. She decides to move out, etc...packs her bags and everything, without having her parents know...and I'm sitting in her room and i'm all like....ok...here we go...what the fuck. so I talk to her and I tell her that shits gonna hit the fan and that its really not the right choice at a right time... anyways, Rae doesnt care, we hug etc, and she tells me not to tell her parents. So she leaves and shit, and couple hours later her parents walk in my room and ask whether I knew where Rachel was, and so I lie to them and tell them that I have no idea. Basically, shit just drops from that day on... No one knows where Rachel is, her dad is HEARTBROKEN - and I mean - HEARTBROKEN - I have never seen someone worry about her daughter and seen so much love, than from that person! So David (her dad) goes out to look for her that same night, and tries to catch her after her shift at the pool a couple days later and they get into some physical fight, and short story is: David gets arrested. Anyways, drama all over the place...I'm going on living my days at Raes house and shit, and Mitzi walks up to me one day and says "So Rachel told me that you two talked for about an hour about her running away"...and i'm like ok...WTF! Rachel makes me promise not to tell her parents, and then she goes off telling her parents that we talked! WTF. Anyways, I'm in Seattle and when I come back, someone *hint hint* broke into Raes house while I was gone - and I just loose it...I had a really bad cold that day for several days, and I got the worst headache in my life, so I just talk to her parents and move out to a good friend of mine. so anyways, now im happy staying there and shit, and stuffs cool...but personally, I think Rae and her parents really need shit figured out. I talked to murphy and all - and although there is still the urge and feeling of wanting to help Rae, etc...I just can't. I let loose and Rae needs to help herself...so there is nothing else for me to do, and quite frankly it isnt my responsibility anymore either. I can finally move on, and I'm starting to do that. I wish things wouldve been different. VERY different - but some of the stuff that has been going down is just... anyways...I just had to let loose, so there u go. I still read Raes journal and myspace, to keep track of whats new, but beyond that - I havent talked to her much, and she has to make the move. I'm done for. I've been doing a lot of giving in the past 3 years...and I'm exhausted. Chapter Complete. I wish Rae all the best - I hope she does figure out her life sooner or later, but I understand now - its not about us anymore, its not about me anymore. :) and with a smile - I end this post.

well - I suppose this trip went quite different than I had hoped... I feel pretty bad, although I smile a lot at murphys...but im still hurt. Hurt about quite a number of things...but I guess it doesnt matter.. ..not to Rachel anyways. Ive just been totally blocked it seems... and it stuns me. I mean - she was the one who wanted me over for her bday and everything - and now we hardly talk to spend time together. What I do respect, however, is the trouble shes going through...but thats the other thing: she never opened up to me and told me, which would have led to a lot less confusion. I never knew about a miscarriage, etc. and it shocks me...I would imagine - along with the rape - that it takes a lot of time to process that. But Rae has to understand that I want to be there for her. I don't hate her, I don't even look down on her for dating...but its just hard for me at the same time. I just feel unappreciated, in a way. She's constantly out, comes back towards midnight, makes plans without clueing me in, and thinks that I want my distance from her. When I tried to talk to her, she said that as long as I don't question her feelings, everything will be alright... Being someone who cares about her, however, I can't ignore her feelings... I'm not sure about this one anymore, but I think she lied to me about spending the night at Kristens. She came home late the other day and talked to Ryan (her new boy) and mentioned something about a Hotel Room. So thats what I'm guessing where she is tonite, but I might be mistaken...I dunno. I wish someone would be online to talk to me... well - I'm not quite sure what to do really...im pretty down... Its not like I want to date her again, or something - its just that I still care about her, more than a friend, and I feel like being treated less than a brother... o well - I could go on writing for hours, but its gotta stop somewhere.... we'll see how it goes...im not sure if I'll extend my ticket....i havent seen rae happy at all, that I'm here....so staying for xmas would just be sort of a waste I suppose....this trip isnt just about what I want, its what the two of us want - as friends, as buddies, as whatever...

either girls are just bitchy sometimes or im a complete fuck-up. hung out with cassie today at the mall - all was good - had a great time - took her out for lunch - came back to see a movie with her - we cuddle - everything is fine - things even move a little closer and intense - and as soon as I see the oppertunity, I just HAVE to smack her ass and ruin the evening. she gets pissed because so many guys smack her ass - I appologize and it all just goes terribly wrong...now its just weird being around her......... fuck.

well lots has been happening really since my last post. lets see...that was when Rae got taken out to dinner by Ryan. Well...every other day when shes at work and shit, she says that her shift ends at 9:30, but she doesnt get home until like 11:00 or midnight. (wonder why...) and its just sorta bringing me down because im just like laying there alone at home, watching movie after movie and its no fun. we're talking again, so thats good i suppose. But her attitude is just... i mean she lied to me. She said she was gonna hang out with max today and shit, and yesterday was kinda funny cuz she came home and I pretended to be asleep for like several hours, and she just kept me lying in her bed, while she talked to Ryan on the phone and shit. So through that conversation I found out that they had sex and all, and that they will spend the day at a hotel or something today. "Cheap Rooms for cheap girls..." lol. anyways.. it all just sucks, but its pretty interesting actually. I sorta see a pattern in her dating strategy and I was gonna talk to like Danny to figure this one out, but like, she asked Ryan on the phone why he loves her...why it was her that he loved..and shes done that with me too, exactly the same wording and pronounciation. really strange... anyways, im eager to see how long this thing with Ryan will last...i cant see a 23 year old honestly falling in love with an 18 year old. but ok...lol anyways, i gtg soon so ill write more later.

ah whatever - im just gonna lay this entry open public... its all just fucked anyways. Rae and I broke up 3 years ago and gave eachother hell and didnt talk etc, and well - tried to move on in our lives and then we get back to talking and Rae invites me over to stay at her house....what do you expect - eventually shits gonna hit the fan. So things start out being ok, and all...we're friends, but then as the days pass I get sucked into this world of relationships and loved ones....its drivin me nuts. I dont even know that rae expects of me...to just all ignore it? I'm tryin my best to not ruin every day of hers already...but ive got feelings too ya know... so this ryan guy...well she's going out to dinner today with him an all, and yesterday at the movies im just like sitting next to her, as she text messages with him throughout the entire movie....and I'm not supposed to be maybe hurt in ONE way or the other?? we come home and i was pretty hurt and stuff and didnt feel very good so i went straight to bed. couple minutes later she shows up and lies in my bed and all...and after debating over myself, i started taking her in my arms and appologized for being such a jackass to her. I was gonna explain the entire deal - how i still have feelings for her and shit, come to think about it now, that wouldve probably made things worse, but anyways - so I appologize because I know that it must be hard on her having me over and her parents talk about me all the time, and I'm tryin to give her some space, some time - possibly with Ryan...and I tell her that - and she suddenly jumps up, barricades herself in her room and doesnt talk to me. I was tryin to talk to her, because i have no clue whats going on, and she starts crying....and...sigh......i knew something like this would happen - but i cant just switch off my emotions....maybe james and danny can, but I cant. ive been tryin for 2 years to live on and shit, and now it all comes back. i feel like a complete ass and at the very beginning rae already said "i dont think you actually like me like that anymore" (loving her) - and I was already like "if u knew"... but anyways, whats the point...she doesnt love me like that nor will she ever read this... ah whatever - fuck it. i gtg.

ryan asked rae to dinner tomorrow....so ill be home alone. rae thinks that things are fine, but to me they arent. i dunno why. i just wanna bawl my eyes out really. but on the other hand shes right....i should move on, and its better to not have feelings for her, because of the long distance... god I feel like crying... i dont think i shouldve done all this. i think steffs gonna be good for me, but i cant attach to her either...itll kill me. whats wrong with me - why do i feel like this ALL THE TIME...for the past 2 years and cant get off this depression and be happy and live life to the fullest....why. rae's smiling and jumping around about ryan and deep inside im so hurt and broken. i guess i dont want to show or admit it though...mainly because i shouldnt be hurt and broken....it shouldnt be my concern anymore... :( i dont know what to do...i laid awake for quite a while yesterday and talked to cassie and she says it would kill me and that i should open up and show my emotions....but i dont want to ruin things with ryan and rae....i dont want to be the ass getting in between... ...nor do I want to admit that theres still something i have for rae...but im not even sure of that....its just that i cant explain the feelings that i have had lately...they dont make sense... ...but when does love ever make sense... Rae says that she hopes im happy for her...but i cant even grant her that wish... i feel downright awful...and EVERYONE knew that I would... ...i said, no - its ok - im over her - itll be ok...

i dont know whats going on... maybe im just longing for the physical...but why do I still see Rae as I used to... I spent a great deal lookin at her sleeping today, and earlier i could just cry over everything. to be honest, i feel like ending it all if i should be blunt. i dont feel like doing my internship anymore... i feel depressed and god....i dunno - i feel i shouldnt have done this trip, and at the same time im happy that i did.... :( I keep hearing ryan.....it drives me freakin insane - im not gonna go to rock n bowl...its prolly gonna give me the rest...

yea...well....got nothing to do. kinda bored. i was hoping this isnt gonna happen, but im fuckin depressed and i really dont know why. im prolly not goin to rock n bowl tomorrow...i dunno....depends on the ppl. if brandi is there, ill go. if no one else besides rae is there (that I know), then i wont. its for the best - and i always have stuff to do here, so...yea. man this sux...for the past 2 years i was trying to get over rae, and thought I made it, and now comin here, it like all comes back...and i have no clue as to why. well im gonna go see steff on wednesday...get me on other thoughts and stuff.. school will do me good too - I HOPE! shit if I see danny and the other guy hangin out, then fuck that.....dammit. i had no clue this was gonna happen. my friends and parents were so right about all this being a bad idea. well I mean, its not bad, bad...I'm happy I'm here etc, but this shit makes me jump the wall...fuck. well maybe im just talking myself into something. What pisses me off besides that is the thing in January - my internship - because i never felt like doing it, and when I return to germany, i will have to do it for 3 months. i guess itll get me on other thoughts too at least....i hope. I dont wanna sit another 2 years trying to get over her... i just dont get it.

ok this evening sucked. meeting danny, hearing about raes exs all the time, her excitement about her other boy...sucked ass. At the end of it all, I was just like "uh huh...yea...sure...ok". Yea...thats the part I wasnt looking forward to, on this trip. Then to make things even more weird, Rae stuck onto me, getting herself warm and I ended up hugging her....its just hella strange. i hated today...we did crap and i was cold, and....and....whatever...gotta go

well im in Rae's house atm...shes at work and im just talkin to a bunch of ppl... ...im really close to cryin actually... im tryin to like swallow everything thats going on in my mind and i knew this trip will be somewhat akward if not hard, but there is a thick line between imagination and experience. well carolyn is back now...i cant cry now. ttyl

well im arrived on bainbridge. I'm hella happy...as if Life turns on you in a matter of a day. I think itll all really kick off when ill meet other friends and stuff, but for now, i must say: things for me are sorta confusing right now. Rae and I just look at eachother once in a while, and although i dont wanna say that we're thinking the same, I do feel that its as if something was missing. I hope things will somehow sort themselves out during the next couple weeks, but yea...i dunno...its....just weird. I told myself its gonna be alright, but its actually harder than I thought... Hearing about her boyfriend and all, n me not blowin up and just accepting it...anyways. well - carolyn is here! yay! :) we all played a game of life which was fun and later this evening there's supposed to be some sort of party at the teencenter where I can see everyone else. so yea - awesome! :) Monday im seeing Liz, and well I guess its all gonna be good. i'll write some more later...

OMG OMG - 1 week left! Next week I'm in the STATES!!!! YAAAAAAAAAY!! Can't wait, can't wait, getting hyper!! OMG OMG!! hahahahahah raaaaaaawr Back to Pepsi & M&M's!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeee OMG I LOOOOVE YOUUU BAINBRIDGE HAHAHAH - I WAS JUST SPELLING "BRAINBRIDGE" :D SEE YOU ALL SOOON!!!! xoxoxoxox