Happy New year everyone, Well another year has gone by and another one to come. I wonder how this year is going to be hopefully a lot better then last year. My plan is to meet new people, graduate from high school and get my own place with the love of my life. I’m so scared to move out I’ve been planning for so long but nothing ever happened because something would always get in my way. I have had an interesting start of the New Year, but nothing to get me upset, I really can’t wait for things to change, I can tell that it’s going to be a good year and I’m not going to let anything get to me this year. Well I can’t really say that but I’ll try not to let things get to me, why should I all it ever does is stress me out and I’m going to have enough of that with school and getting my own place. April then I’m out of this place :D god I can’t wait, just me and the love of my life all by our selves. But I’m off till later

I'm really sick of everything lately like for one guys. They the confuse the hell out of me and they just really piss me off, I can't stand them anymore, I really can't stand anyone anymore. I'm suppose to go away with David in two weeks and I'm really happy about it I just can't wait even though its only for the weekend and I just want to leave for good but what ever and never come back that would be so great but that not going to happen for a really long time. Me and Nikki are planning on moving in April and I'm really happy about it get out of this house. Really its the only thing I'm really looking forward to. Nikki and David are the only people I can really count on and it pisses me off I feel like I don't have any other friends I'm just someone to talk to whenever you bored well you know what I say to that good fuck yourself, I'm not going to waist my time on people that really don't care, why should I they never do anything for me they just don't care why should I. I'm getting really sick of school I don't know if I really want to go back for more school next year I think I just want to find an ok job move out and move on with my life, but not here somewhere else. Some were far away were no one will be able to find me, not that anyone would try to find me. God I'm so pissed I gave my ring to some guy, just so I had a reason to see him and now it just gives him a reason to see my best friend. They say he likes me but really I think he only likes the drunken me or he only likes me when he's drunk either one I don't care but that's really what I think. If you ask me I think I should stop thinking so much and just move on and if he likes me he'll do something about it and if not well then too bad. This way I wont be sitting here all upset about something I'm not even sure of.

Well haven't written in this thing for a long time, lots of things have happened so I dont know were to start off. I've been going to the bar a lot ever since I turned 18 and I really don't like that place that much, it's just not something for me I guess. But one good thing has come of it I met this really great guy and were both really into each other. He's so funny and sweet, everytime I think of him I get the biggest smile on my face, it's just really nice to be happy about something finally. Nikki and I haven't really been hanging out as much since her new boyfriend but we still talk and hangout when we can which is still really fun. Schools been going pretty good I'm only doing really bad in one of my classes so thats not too bad I can always get better and I have been I need to get out of that school this year. I can't wait till grad and everything.

I haven't written in here in a long time so I thought I should. It was a really long summer, but I had lots of fun forgot about Corey:). So happy thats over and done with. Hung out with Nikki for almost everyday of the summer, Which was so much fun, if you want to have a great night out call up Nikki she's always great to hang out with. I also started hanging out with Christina and well she's just as fun. Having Nikki and Christina together is so much fun. I really didn't think I was going to have a fun summer without Leanne but I had a better summer then what I would have had with her. But lets not talk about her. My birthday is coming up on the 26 of Oct and I just can't wait go party with Nikki all night long and Kevin, I didn't forget about him. God were going to have a blast. I really have no idea what I'm doing for it yet though it's to make up my mind. Going to my first show this weekend and I can't wait I think its really going to be fun. But thats all I have to say for know until later bye bye

Thursday: had to babysit all day then got together with Nikki and we went to Mongos Grill yummy. It was my first time there and I totally embarrassed myself in front of all the pretty boys but meh it was all fun:). After Mongos we called David, and him and Chris came to get us, they were being such assholes. So when we got together with them are fun of the evening left. Friday: Nikki and I went to the forks and at first it was pretty boring but after a bit we run into many people and we started having fun. Nothing really exciting happened on Friday. Oh wait Nikki was getting hit on bye this guy DK so bad it was so funny. Saturday: I did nothing all day then went to the EX with my sister and Nikki and everyone. It was raining the whole time we were there though and it made me so sad but at the same time very happy. I didn’t know you could still have fun playing in the rain when you were 17 and older. Well after the Ex my sister took me and Nikki to Stephens house, and Matt was there so we hung out all night. Damn Nikki she embarrassed me the whole night urrrrr she does that way to much, but it was really funny and I had a lot of fun laughing my head off at myself. Tonight: I’m going out for a movie and dinner with Kevin, I rather be doing other things but it’s one night together for like another month so I better do it. God I loved my weekend so much :D. I cant wait till my parents go to the lake then I’m going to have fun he he he. There’s all these guys every were and its making me so happy just meeting these new people and everything, but there can still only be one and I hope this isn’t like the last guy I liked, just one night thing because were to good of friends urrr I hate when people say that it angers me. I got close and I was happy being in his arms and I don’t want to hear were just going to be friends, oh or maybe I’ll never see him again, I better see him again cause that would totally suck if I didn’t or I did but in like a couple of years or something stupid like that. Heres some grad pics Chris, Me, David, and Evan Me and my beautiful hair:D

Well so much has happened since I was last on thins thing. Corey hates me still that ok I had my chance to talk to him and I feel so much better I will always love him but I fucked up and things are over and that fact no longer bothers me. My cousin got married I’m so happy for him he’s so happy, and my other cousin has moved back to Manitoba :D On my fathers side of the family everything is going great and it makes me happy that I’m finally getting to know then it only took 17 years for this to happen. On my household side of the family I don’t even know anymore because I don’t feel like I’m really apart of, I just leave hear and that’s it. Al’s dad has cancer again I hate all this death around me, it’s stupid and it makes me angry. Me and Nikki are getting so close again:D I missed spending time with her she was one of my best friends I have some of the best memories with her and now were just going to make more. She stayed over all weekend this weekend it was so much fun. She got David off my back and if he still wants me he’ll get his ass kicked:D that would be way to much fun. On Friday David came over we went and got Nikki got some boss and came back hear. Nikki was on my MSN pretending to me hitting on Alex it was funny because he knew it wasn’t me, I phone him to telling it was her and we ended up talking on the phone till about 12 and then he came over. I feel so stupid a lot got fucked up with David and Nikki and I did some things that I probably shouldn’t have but I did because I wanted to but he didn’t believe and now I’m scared I fucked up our friends ship again. I’m way to good at fucking up my friends ships I should get and A+ in that, fuck that makes me so said. Yesterday I was babysitting with Nikki and it was so bad cause we were so hung over. We went to Leanne’s to drop of a tape but she was a work so I stayed and talked to her mom it was nice I miss that family so much and I miss them again. After that we went to Husky so Leanne could she the kids it was nice I’m happy they got to she her because we were all so close. After that we went to the park called Alex but he was to lazy and didn’t want to hang out with us what a bum. To end our day we took the kids on a bus ride to go home the first time on a bus for them :D Alexis loved it. Later David and Chris came over but before they got there Nikki phoned Corey and bitched at him and I heard things that really hurt and I totally broke down it was so bad. I phoned him and we talked about everything and at first I was crying and at the end of the convo I felt so much better I was happy, not sad it made me happy to get everything out. I feel really bad because he still doesn’t know everything and it’s really not fair to him but the world doesn’t work like that. There this guy I like at the moment but he doesn’t feel the same and I feel so stupid cause I sorta let everything out and just let myself go probably because I was drinking but if I hadn’t I would have just kept everything in, it probably would have been better that way but it’s hard to like someone and hid it. I just can’t forget about him he keeps running through my head, his lips, the way he kisses, he’s so good looking, so nice he always cares and he’s always there for me and it makes him look about a million time better in my mind even though I don’t think he could look any better. I’ll never have him and I feel so stupid for everything I did, I should just keep my feelings inside its better that way. Crystal

I’m sorry I’m trying very hard to hate you but its just not working I love you way to much. I’ve tried so hard to move on and I thought I did but all I’m doing is lying to myself and I’m so sick of it. I just want to be happy am I not aloud to be, Why not? Not like anyone one really fucking cares they say they do but they just lie its really nice to find out the truth. If you don’t like me don’t talk to me but don’t try to pretend there’s something there that really isn’t there. I’m always sad well if you ever listened you would know why the thing is you really don’t want to know you just pretend. Don’t worry you don’t have to hear anymore I’m finished with it all I have myself until I leave this place forever never coming back this will be the last place you’ll ever find me. All guys can go fuck themselfs!

WOW This was stolen from the diary of another person. You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out. Fine -- but before you kill yourself consider these facts: Suicide is not usually successful. You think you know a guaranteed way? Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone. What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal. What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go. What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. But...Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job - - but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later.And we'll work with whatever you have left. IF YOU’RE READING THIS, PLEASE STEAL IT AND PUT IT IN YOUR DIARY TOO

Its over all of it over your gone as a boyfriend and as my best friend my whole world has fallen right in front of me and I couldn't do a thing about it. Its like all the things I said didn’t matter, all the times we shared didn’t matter, I didn’t matter, the love you said you had from me just gone like that. I tried so hard but I am no longer trying you want me to go away I am going away, I just don’t know how you can let go of something you loved oh so much just like that like it really didn’t matter any way. It mattered to me. Yes I know this is all my fault but I tried to fix it I tried but you just didn’t want to. I'll never forget a moment. I had all my good times when I was with you every bad moment and every good moment how am I suppose to let that go, but let go is all I can do know. I really don’t know anymore, I cant stand watching everything go the way it is going. Today was the only day I ever lied to you and look were that got me, and the reason I lied was to keep you in my life but I didn’t know what to say and you left my life forever this time. Some days I really rather be dead and today would be one of those days. Not like anyone would cared if I was anyway.

Its funny when ppl seen something wrong with you they try to be your friend but then when everything’s fine it will be just like before. Its over its finally over, I’m taking down the pictures, you said you wanted to be my friend, well if you wanted to be my friend then why don’t you show it. You really don’t you just said it to make me happy but really its made me even worse but its all good know because I’m done with it all. lately I've been thinking of the end more and more but every time I do I think of Alexis and Zander, I love those kids more then anything in this world and I don’t want to miss them growing up but I also don’t want to live through this anymore I'm so sick of everyone else. I miss you so much and you don’t care your just moving on forgetting about it forgetting about everything, I'll never forget it, Im going to remember every touch every kiss every word you said like it was that moment. I'm sick of the dreams, I'm sick of the pain and I know its never going to go away, you may but everything else wont.

Its nice to see who your true friends are when something goes wrong and thank you to the ones that haven’t treated me like crap. Its going to be a month in 2 days and it still feels like it was yesterday. I miss you I'm barley getting through this. I was cutting myself but then I think of how maybe I'll get you back so I stop, but in a weird way cutting makes me feel better or not feel better but just makes everything else go away it feels like its the only thing I can do to get my pain out because I cant talk to him and I want to so bad, but its all about you so I cant and why would you want to know how I feel. I need that friend that I can talk to about everything you were that person and know your gone. Its funny you always said how I never told you anything but I told you the most you knew what was inside me how I felt. My friends say I’m not the same anymore that I need you back, I’m not fun anymore I'm just not me. Its funny how a month ago people thought I would be with some one else and well I'm not your still the only one in my mind and your always going to be in my heart. I wonder if you ever think about me because I think of you every second. I cant do my work I cant talk to people with out you coming in my head your always there. I wish this never happened, we were so close to, so happy and know look at us we barely talk you barely look at me, when in the corner of my eyes I just stair. People say I should take down the pictures but I just cant I cant let go, I don’t want to let go. I want your arms around me just holding telling me you still love me and you still think about me, but you want nothing to do with me. Some nights I think I should just end it, end all the pain in my heart, I really think everyone would be better off no one really wants me around they just put up with me because they feel sorry for me. I really need help and need it soon because I’m scared of what I want to do. I want my best friend back, the love of my life, my Corey. I'll love you forever even if you hate me.

Well things have been going ok I guess can’t really get worse then it already is right. Corey went with me to get my dress the other day it was so weird all I wanted to do was through my arms around him and start crying but I new I couldn’t. Why did I have to be so stupid? I fucked up the best thing in my life and I’m probably never going to get it back. Every day he’s all I think about from the moment I wake up well no not even that because I have nightmares about him as well so every moment I think about him. I wonder how I could do something like that to the one person that treated me like an angle and loved for who I was, I’m never going to find someone better then him he’s the best there’s no better out there well in my eyes. I love him so much and he’ll never care again. It really hurts to know what I did to him. Well at least were talking and stuff not out of school but it will get better I hope, and maybe one day I’ll get another chance oh that would be the best day of my life if it ever happened.

Well I dont know what to think anymore, I miss him and I love him but at the same time I just cant stand him. I dont know my heads going in a millions different places. I still dont understand how you can tell some you love them over and over again but the minute they do something wrong all that love is gone. But at the same time I dont know how I could do what I did to him, I love him so much but I still did it I really wish I could remember what I was thinking. I am the worse person. I through my life with him away, and I dont think I could ever get that back. I dont know what to do should I move on or should I wait and see if I could ever get him back, he deservers so much better then me maybe I should just move on and let him be happy with some one that’s good enough for him but in my eyes no one is good enough for him. Some one will make him happy one day though and I hope that person never does what I did because to lose him is to lose your whole world, well in my eyes. I should probably just leave him alone but at the same time I don’t want to give up because I need him, he helped me through so much, I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

All is quiet, Silent and dreaming, But I cannot sleep, My insides are screaming, I want to get out, Be free from this pain, Addicted to blood, Obsessed with the vein, To die would be easy, To run would be weak, So here with my blade, Salvation I seek, A cut for the pain, That dwells deep inside, A cut for the mask, That I hide behind, A cut for my heart, That beats cold and black, A cut for the girl, The one I want back, These line's that I cut, They help me survive, It's because of these lines, That i'm still alive, So keep that in mind, The next time you ask, The next time we meet, It might be our last.

Well lately thats what I’ve been thinking about, I see my life as nothing so why am I even hear anymore. I dont know what to do without him, and knowing that its all my fault. I've never felt so dead in my life, I have no clue on what to do. I know I need to leave him alone but I dont want to, I don't even want to think of life without him but I have to and it kills me. I have nothing without him, I hate myself for what I have done I knew I was going to screw things up because they were to good for me to believe. I wish some one would just get rid of me, rid of my pain. I'm starting to turn to drugs again they make me feel nice even though I dont want to be doing them I never wanted to go back to this life and Corey was always the one that should me the right thing but now I have no one to show me. I'm just throwing my life away without you and I dont know what else to do. Maybe it will be My time soon.

Well today was fun I found out more rumors. Guess what I took advantage of this guy, but I dont see how. I am so sick of ppl sticking there nose were they don’t belong. Some one I thought was my friend told one person but somehow I got all over the school and no one knows what happened but me and the other person involved. You would think that I got what I deserve but not for some reason some one thinks I deserve more. What did I ever do to you no of it didn't have anything to do with you so like really just keep it to yourself. But its like no one can do that. You know whats really funny is when ppl sit there and talk shit about someone but then when you dont have much your hanging out with the ppl you talk shit about. I've already lost what I cared about so why dont you just leave it alone. If anyone new how I felt then maybe they wouldnt be doing this to me. I just dont know who ppl could want someone to hurt so bad even if they deserve it. Ppl do things wrong its a way of life thats how you learn. I've learnt trust me I have so why are you wishing more pain on me I think I have enough. It's funny the other day I felt like hanging myself because of what I did because I hurt who I cared about, then I lost him and it hurt more but I deserved it, But then to top it all off ppl started spreading my life around when no one need to know but the ppl that were involved and they did but no everyone has to know about my life. Because all the stress i've thought of either things to get rid of it and if you want to call me a coward then sure go ahead but I rather be dead then go through this, and some days it just feels like its the only way out because it is and it scares me because I want out so bad. Yes I know I'm running away from my problems but it didn't have to go this far but it did. But im sad enough so bye.

Place an X next to those that are relevant to you: Have you ever... (x)wanted to throttle someone (x)watched Sesame street (x) snuck out of the house ( ) gotten lost in a supermarket ( ) saw a shooting star ( ) been to any other countries besides the uk (x) had a serious surgery (x) gone out in public in your pajamas ( ) kissed a stranger (x) hugged a stranger (x) been in a fist fight ( ) been arrested ( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose (x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator (x) swore at your parents (x) been in love (x) been close to love ( ) been to a casino ( ) been skydiving ( ) broken a bone (x) been high (x) skinny-dipped (x) skipped school (x) flashed someone (x) saw a therapist ( ) done the splits (x) played spin the bottle (x) gotten stitches ( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (x) bitten someone ( ) been to Niagara Falls ( ) gotten the chicken pox (x) kissed a member of the opposite sex (x) kissed a member of the same sex ( ) crashed into a friend's car ( ) been to Japan ( ) ridden in a taxi (x) been dumped (x) shoplifted ( ) been fired ( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex (x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back ( ) gone on a blind date (x) lied to a friend ( ) had a crush on a teacher ( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans ( ) slept with a "friend" ( ) been married ( ) gotten divorced ( ) seen someone die ( ) had a close friend die ( ) been to Africa (x) Driven over 400 miles in one day ( ) Been to Ney York ( ) Been to Paris (x) Been on a plane (x) Thrown up at a party ( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire ( ) Eaten Sushi ( ) Been skiing/snowboarding ( ) Met someone in person from the internet ( ) gone to college/uni ( ) graduated college/uni ( ) done hard drugs (x) tried killing yourself ( ) fired a gun (x) purposely hurt yourself (x) taken painkillers (x) love someone or miss someone right now (x) forgiven something you can't forgive (x) cried over nothing

Well so much has gone on. On Friday it was my sisters b-day and Corey came over we talk about some stuff nothing good. Saturday hung out with family and got some Greenday tickets oh yea that’s right and there floor tickets :D. Sunday got my hair cut and died. Yesterday went to Kevin's with Heather and it was so much fun. But yea going there on Friday again its going to be a blast.

This week has been so crazy and it's only started. Yesterday I was at school until about 4:10 trying to solve my mind problems but that didn't work out to well. I really thought it was going to be the end for me and Corey but I thought and thought and I could never lose the guy he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and without him I'd have nothing. I love the guy I can't lose him but yea. I'm falling so behind in school its getting crazy, well really I'm not anymore because I finished it but I was really behind. Work is being stupid I don't know if I even have a job there anymore. Whatever I think I'm going to go apply some were else. I hope I get Greenday tickets I'll cry if I don't, I need to go. Well going to go do something not so boring.

It is the big V-day tomorrow and well I think its sucks because all I am doing is going to a party. Corey and me are not going out I would like to but he says this is just a pointless holiday but I think its cute whatever. Corey says it is going to be just him and me on Friday I hope so because we need more alone time all we get is our 2-hour spear and well I like it but really, we cannot do anything because we always have to go back to school. Well I will see what happens I really hope he does not break my promise because if he does I will be so mad.