potential for greatness

its a feeling you can't describe, with a coffee in hand, sunglasses on and a belly full of breakfast. its moment like these where a cigarette would fit perfectly. a little taste of hot, smokey tobacco washed down with even hotter coffee with just a touch of french vanilla in its after taste. its truck stop coffee and i asked for it black, so i dont know if that flavor is supposed to be there or not. but im not complaining. its better than the charcoal flavor you get when you get the last cup of the pot. its the feeling of heavy eyelids in the morning when you first wake up. how the sun seems so much brighter and it feels like its the suns personal vendetta to blind you. but you squint and get through it. because its only nine o'clock in the morning. its nothing but the open road from here on out. its the feeling of empty highways surrounded by empty fields. you think of what would be planted in them if something were planted in them. but you don't know enough about iowa agriculture to know what grows here this season. its mile marker after road sign after rest stop after truck stop. repetition with different names and different colored signs. but you cant look away, because the potential for greatness is far too great and you dont want to miss anything that could be considered great in iowa. it could be the last great thing you see here. you're captured by the open sky and the endless land. you feel like you're flying but the steady vibration keeps you grounded. its the feeling of a clear mind clouded only by bad habits. which seem twice as bad because its such a wholesome place to be. maybe its because you're so far away from where you're from. but the clear mind is great because when inspiration meets imagination the result is freedom. and for once, you dont mind the wait for inspiration. its a nice, clean wait. free of frustration. its the feeling of picking up postcards from all the places you've never been before. you make a mental note to call and tell scott you were on his side of the country and you would have stopped to say hi, but you aren't in touch anymore. its the warped voices over the radio as you get further and further away from the big city and closer to the open country. as each mile marker passes, you being to feel infinite. because you're further from home. which means you're closer to feeling fine. its indescribable feelings such as those that make me feel like one day i could be something great.
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i wasn't in love with him, i was in love with the way he treated me. and oh how easy it was to fall in love. i was having a love affair with roses on my doorstep and letters in my mailbox, jewelry from tiffany's and phone calls just to say, "i love you." it was the parts of him that had me fooled this was real. his hands, his eyes, his voice and his passion for me. he was so in love. i couldn't even entertain the idea that i didn't feel the same. but i didnt know any better. when someone loves you as much as he loved me, you're supposed to love him back. but it hurts to think back to the magical nights that peppered our relationship. like the night in san francisco, or the night up north we spent under the stars. to think of those nights any other way other than deeply in love seems to erase part of the magic. and a part of me. as if i was only partially there. the pains in the pit of my stomach should explain it. but if not, im not sure my lips could do it justice. its an explanation that i dont have to explain. although i feel like i owe you something. anything. but what can i say? nothing i'll tell you can make up that year that you'll feel you lost. it wont bring anything back. but how can i not say something? anything? i must confess. because confession is the human condition. because this would look so much better on your shoulders than on mine. but it seems secrets are easier to hide behind my eyes than yours. yours are just too honest to be believable. the girl next door probably has more skeletons than you. but why don't you take this one for practice. because i can't bear this burden any longer.
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the first time i met you was just the other night. you were sweet and charming and very polite. you held open doors and asked me about my favorite bands. and i couldn't help but think, "he looks like a guy who understands." you're an easy guy to talk to, thats for sure. i'm not sure what it is about you, but you can tell that your heart is pure. who knows why, maybe it's because you're so close to your mom. maybe i'll have to wait and read about it on poetry.com. i went to that familiar page and looked you up just like i promised. the chance to get to read something you've written is not an opportunity i would have missed. i read them all through until the very end and i have to say, you are quite talented, my friend. i got to the very last poem entitled, "the person i don't know." and i thought to myself, "that just might be the sweetest thing anyone's ever writtten me. he must be a pro." and i flashed that smile that caught you by surprise, and i said, "this proves it. he's different than all the rest of those guys."
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the new song i wrote

i met a really sweet guy today he was such a gentleman, he wouldn't even let me pay but i had a little secret i forgot to mention i sure hope this doesn't cause a lot of tension but i have something that i really need to say you may not want to hear it, but you should listen anyway i like your sister i really really really wanna kiss her i think she's really fine i just hope you don't mind cuz i like your sister i really really really really dig her i hope she likes me to but if not, i guess you'll do now don't get me wrong, you're a really great guy but i think i'm gonna give girls a try i had a really great time on our date but where are your manners, introduce me to your sister, kate. i hope you don't take this the wrong way but if it doesn't work out, i promise i'll call, okay? i like your sister i really really really wanna kiss her i think she's really fly is she a lez, or is she just bi? you don't know? that's cool too do i still get that second date with you? thanks for introducing us, i appreciate it no hard feelings, i know you hate this you've really been super about this really understanding about my feelings for your sis i feel like i can tell you anything hey, maybe you could help me pick out a ring? cuz i like your sister i really really really wanna kiss her she even understands why i picked you as my best man cuz i like your sister and i really think our love is true and i owe it all to you
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flight 410 in the late part of a nearly perfect saturday afternoon. the sun was out but slightly covered by a hazy layer of clouds. today is good day to fly. i used to pretend i was afraid of flying so the person next to me would assure me that everything would be okay. i was young enough then for it to pass without skepticism. now that i'm older, i get funny looks when i grip the arm rests as the plane steadily plummets to our final destination. but what i hadn't realized is that during all those years of pretending, i actually developed a very real fear of take offs and landings. so each deep breath in and counts to 10 is as real as it gets. my hands are clammy and my heartbeat has picked up its pace. i guess thats my hearts way of saying it recognizes the gallons of adrenaline passing through my veins. i fear the desent but i can't wait to land. the girl sitting next to me is sort of how i imagine myself. you know, if i were completely different. she's blonde and beautiful but not in the traditional sense. she looks like barbie's second cousin twice removed. the beautician, not the flight attendent. come to think of it, maybe its not me she reminds me of. but a girl i met just a few times a few months ago. her name was nikki and she was attending beauty school. what a striking resemblence. only i'm pretty sure the extent of this girls habits are biting her nails and singing off key. something so much less complicated than meth and pabst. the in-flight movie is not one i've seen before, but it isn't one i'm interested in. i close my eyes and begin to listen to my surroundings. the babies crying because they haven't learned to pop thier ears yet. the guy tapping away on his laptop, definitely not writing an email to his wife or kids. someone wants to know the score of the game and someone else wants a new set of headphones. once again i glance over at the girl sitting in the seat next to mine. you didn't actually think this was a story abouot my flight, did you? oh you did? that's sweet. she seems so much more important than anything else on this plane. she is lifting and closing the window shade as if she's having an argument with the sun and the fucker just won't listen. i silently laugh to myself at this analogy. the shade is up right now and she occassionaly looks out but never for very long. i think she's a nervous flyer. something we have in common. she takes out her CD player and i can't catch a glimpse at the CD before she pushes play. she seems uninterested in what is playing through her headphones and checks out the movie, but can't seem to get into that either. the flight attendent comes by and is offering drinks. she takes a diet pepsi. something else we have in common. the shade comes down as she eats her pretzels and drinks her diet soda. she's not focusing on anything and i wonder if she can see what i'm writing. probably not. she finishes her lunchtime snack and gets out her book. hot pink cover and it looks like she's just started it. i could ask her if she likes it so far, but i'd rather observe and not interact. the shade goes up about halfway and she cracks open her book. i have my own headphones on and my music is almost a soundtrack to our little romance. she pulls the shade down completely as the plane takes a turn to the west and its almost as if we're flying directly into the sun. she keeps reading and i run out of stuff to write about. but i'll keep one ear uncovered in case she wants to talk. you know, in case she catches on to my ability to have a long romantic love affiar with her in my mind without even saying three words. in case she wants to talk, i'll be here. in case she gets nervous, i'll be here. and when it comes time to land, we'll grip the same arm rest and touch hands. and then i'll never see her again. and she'll just be my two hour love affair that i never met. three if you count the time change.
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wouldn't you agree?

i'm up tonight, in between things to study. i have plenty to do, but nothing that quite fits my mood. nothing i dread, just nothing i crave. and i happen to think life is too short to do anything less than what you crave. this will be the headlining theme from now on. life is just too short to live without a headlining theme. wouldn't you agree? all things executed need to be thought about entirely more than they are at the current moment. and all thoughts need to be more thoughtful. by leaps and bounds. eyes should be opened more often, mouths should be closed, and paying attention should be mandatory. and now that your eyes are open, you might as well take a look around while you're here. wouldn't you agree? correspondence and communication is key. pick up a pen a little more frequently and purchase your own stationary. write home about things that don't necessarily matter to you, because more often than not they matter to someone else. always say what you're thinking, life is too short not to share. find your heart and open it. let someone in, it keeps you sharp. write more love songs and love letters. don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel. write poetry for strangers and leave it in unexpected places. moderate the creation of boundaries, but embrace isolation. some things can only be processed when alone. worry less, live more. jump in head first and focus on the present. work less and relax more. stretch out your day and enjoy every second of it. take deep breaths and spend more time outside. do not think about wrinkles or what gravity will do to your body in ten years. just the same, do not think about bad memories or what you wish you would have done. make up for it now - karma is alive and well. do not think about what you would have done differently. spending too much time in the past will diminish your future. wouldn't you agree? give one hundred percent more consideration to others than you currently do. the end result will be beneficial. keep your promises but eliminate false hope. become less obligated and allow yourself to want more. go back for seconds and do not allow guilt to overrun your life. take a second cookie, break it in half and offer it to the one person in the room who isn't smiling. trading cookies for smiles can be theraputic. wouldn't you agree? eliminate rage and increase the peace. focus more on reconstruction than deconstruction. mend hearts, don't break them. increase toleration and expand your mind. you might learn something. practice being extroverted. a simple conversation could save someone's life. strive to be someone's miracle and achieve your goals at all costs. dream big and never settle. wish often and daydream frequntly. treat every weekend as if it were a vacation. seize every opportunity and never look back. regret less and embrace more. life will always be unexpected, but its better that way. wouldn't you agree? reach out and touch lives. do not empower stereotypes, instead break all walls and boundaries. listen to your heart more and your conscience less. try to gain an outside perspective on the lives you touch so as to never undermine the power to make things happen. nothing is a waste of time and you shouldn't view it as such. do not purchase good china and then keep it locked up until relatives arive. go out in your formal wear. always save the best for last. life will give you what you need, but you must be capable of taking what you want. fear less and take a chance. do not think of anything as a tragedy - always rearrange the point of view. if the bungee snaps, the rocks will catch you. never plan for emergency and take life in stride. no one is out to get you and bad things happen to everyone. wouldn't you agree?
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the night the lights went out.

we were driving down the highway at probably dangerous speeds. we had the radio turned up because neither one of us wanted to talk. which was fine, because neither one of us needed to say a word. the music blared out of my speakers and you were screaming along at the top of your lungs. i put both hands on the wheel and pretended to be thinking about much more important things. i was focusing on your voice and the way it bounced around in my car, even though the window was open. we turned the dial and switched from station to station trying to find a better song to sing along to. when we found one we liked, we'd hit the volume button and shout the words like we'd been dying to say them for years. you knew all the words to all the songs and i only knew the choruses, but i didn't really feel like singing along anyway. so i sat in the drivers seat and pushed harder on the accelerator as i listened to your voice. your voice seemed to crack at all my favorite lines and i tried not to take it personally. you were a little intoxicated so i wouldn't allow you to take all the blame. i sat back in my seat and watched you from the corner of my eye and thought that this moment needed to be recorded. we should hire a photographer or have our own t.v. show, because we both knew that this is what america really wanted to see. we were on our way home from a party with far too much booze for the amount of people attending. but we seemed to be throwing out more empty bottles as every hour passed. with the mixture of alcohol and hormones racing around the apartment, drama was in the air. and this time it didn't involve you or i, so we left. we had a craving for taco's rather than another shot of jack daniels so we got into my car and hoped i had counted my drinks correctly. we both made it home safely and we said goodbye with our traditional hug and i finally gave you the kiss you had been asking for all night. you seemed glad to have it. you gathered your things, left the bottles in my trunk, and slammed the door. i kept my lights off and watched you walk away. suddenly you turned around and came back to the passenger side door. i unlocked it and you leaned in and i thought it was because you wanted another kiss. you know, one for the road. so i was a little more than devastated when you asked if i had your shirt. i pulled it out of my back seat and handed it to you reluctantly. you said thank you and then paused, looking at me. you leaned in for another kiss and said to me lightly, "i left it on purpose so i could come back for another kiss." funny thing is - its three days later and i haven't spoken to you since.
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a letter to kiins.

obviously you need someone to commit and i need someone to give me what i want. and what i want is for someone like you to not exist. i swore we had this conversation days ago but i don't recall yelling at you the last time so the topics obviously weren't the same. my mistake. i'm not sure how this subjet came up, but i'd like to know so i can avoid it at all costs. you set me up with land mines all around and you want me to close my eyes and just start running. let me make this a little clearer for you: just running is just a little impossible for me. and no, i don't want to talk about it. which is fine, because you wouldn't pressure me into talking about things like that because thats just not the person you are and that's what i loved about you. i even wrote you a five and a half page letter about it. and i addressed it perfectly and attached the right amount of postage so it would get to you without delay. so i still don't know what you're complaining about. it's not like you didn't get an invitation in the form of a letter the other day inviting you to know exactly what was going on. so i'm going to have to ask you to focus. that would be great. so back to my point: the distance. we've talked about it for so long that we've both made it seem like it wasn't an issue anymore. well, i lied - it was always an issue for me. and tonight i just wanted to see what you'd say, so i stayed a little longer even though you were throwing red flags to run like you were winning some sort of goddamn contest against me. but thats when things really heated up. you brought it to my attention and told me you were worried that i wouldn't commit. i started asking questions that you had to struggle to answer, because i knew exactly what i was doing. i listened to you politely crush everything i had been working for. and you showed not even the slightest bit of remorse in your eyes. but it was finally coming true. i finally had the perfet example to show you exatly what i've been meaning to say since the first day i met you. "stay away from me." and you never listened. in fact, more often than not you followed that line with a compliment. even though that was far from what i wanted. truth is - the distance was more of an issue than you thought it would be. and that just proved me right. i knew exactly what i was talking about and i would've given anything to have you see it. but no, you were just too in love at the time. good thing there was a sober mind between the two of us. so you finally admitted the issue. that the distance is a problem for both of us. you want something that i can't give to you and i don't know what you want from me. i can't give you any more than i'm already giving and that still isn't good enough for you. at the risk of sounding cliche, i'll never be good enough. i'll never be able to give you what you want because i don't want any of that. and i dont think i could live with myself if i asked you to settle for a life you dont really want just so you can be with me. so i'll do what i do best, i'll run. i'll say some snide comment that will make you second guess my love for you, and then i'll say my tride and true line about, "i'm bad news. just forget you ever met me." and with any luck, you actually will.
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physics of humanity

i'm sitting in the middle of the party and something is happening to my brain that i dont quite understand. the room has this smokey haze that smells a little like mold and a little like my nana's perfume. i try my best to ignore the scent that is permeating my clothes. i try to ignore everyone around me, what they're doing and why they're doing it. but soon enough i can't help but pay attention to my surroundings. everything seems so fast and so interesting that i cant stand to miss a thing. i become fascinated with why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. like physics, but for humanity. i pause the party and let my mind play. i watch the people and try to figure them out. why does marx tear off the labels on his beer bottles? why does mike close one eye when he's drunk? how can john hold down so much alcohol and still be sitting up on his own? "it's a wonder," i said. and maybe that's because its about humanity and not gravity. people are amazingly deep and manipulative creatures. if you open your eyes, close your mouth, turn on your mind and focus, you can realize just how complex we all are. and its an amazing sight to see. i feel like the tour guide at the zoo - only instead of animals they are people and instead of cages, they have lives. but trapped inside them none the same. people play others like musical instruments. you say one thing or do another for a specific reaction from someone in the room. and if you're not smart enough to play an instrument, or at least recognize a musician, then you will soon become part of an orchestra that will make you wish instruments were never created. i watch her play him like a clarinet and i shake my head at how naiive he is. how can he still be interested in a girl like her? but the truth is she was smart for knowing the music, but was immature for humming along. and he was an idiot if he didn't realize what she was up to. but thats the interesting part about physics. there are only three types of people in this world: people like him, people like me, and people like her. and if i had any say, i'd hand him a gun and tell him to shoot her in the face. because he was sweet and didn't deserve to have his heart broken. because i wanted the best for him. but she...she just deserved to die.
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i like to pretend a lot. i never had that fine line drawn in the sand that gave me boundaries. no one said to me that this side was real and this side was make believe, and that you shouldn't spend too much time on the make-believe side, because you may never come back again. and now that i'm a sophisticated seventeen year old girl, and i'm about to be shoved into the real world, i'm dying to be thrown back in to the make-believe side of things. i pretend like we're closer than we actually are. i pretend like what has happened recently hasn't happened at all. i fill our conversations with useless dreams and even more useless fantasies because i'm hoping that if i can string along a chain of events long enough, then i might be able to survive on what doesn't really exist. i'll be able to hop from one magic cloud to the next without ever looking down. it'll be perfect. just like i imagined. there is just one problem. its you. i keep forgetting that you don't believe in pretending. you think it's such a waste of time. you'd rather be sitting in the corner by yourself thinking about the rut your life is stuck in. you don't seem to be going anywhere and you hate that feeling. let me let you in on a little well known secret - everyone hates that feeling. and once upon a time someone once did something to make it so he never had to feel that way again. he created the imagination. but you - you refuse to use the gift you've been given. that's perfectly fine. but don't come to me when you have nothing left and your thoughts are driving you bloody mad. because i'll be busy. busy spinning dreams into clouds like cotton candy. and sure, the life that surrounds me may not be real, but its probably better than the one that lays ahead of you. speaking of you, you should be terrified of what you have to face. the future isn't friendly, especially if you're in it alone - without even your imagination to rely on. i bet the second you step into reality, the second you feel your heart pick up pace, you feel your hands begin to sweat because you have no fucking idea what lies ahead of you, i bet right then you'll really wish you would have listened to that person you met that mumbled something about imagination. you probably wouldn't feel so alone right now.
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jem

the car was moving a little too fast for my liking and the driving was a little eratic. i just assumed the driver had something else on his mind. but that was quite alright with me because i did too. i couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling i was experiencing, but i think it felt a little like wanting to escape. and i closed my eyes and tried to drift off to anywhere else other than that car. i couldn't seem to daydream my way into another life fast enough. the clear night sky perfety showcased all the stars i cared to see. it was perfect for that particular night. the car was filled with teenagers who all seemed to fit perfectly together minus two. one was me and the other was someone pretending to be like everyone else. i couldn't seem to say this out loud but i hated the way she was holding my hand and the way she had her head on my shoulder. but i didn't say a word, because it wasn't exactly my place. the car was filled with lyrics of popular songs by popular artists that i didn't quite know the words to. so i mumbled along with the other people in the car and acted like i was best friends with the person who wrote it. just like everyone else, of course. i couldn't really help but let my mind wander and since i was so close to the house i grew up in, i was immediately reminded of my childhood. but suprisingly i couldn't think of a single memory that i could focus on long enough. but i turned my head and looked out the window and acted like i was deep in thought. that seemed to distract me long enough until we pulled up to our next destination. as the night came to a close and we all said our goodbyes, i was reminded of a scene in a movie that i saw in my early teenage years. this night ment more to me beause of that moment than i could ever let on because my childhood dream was finally coming true - my life was turning into the lives i saw in the movies and i couldn't wait for my next staring role.
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Untitled

a letter to you... "when did you know you were in love with me?" "the first time i layed eyes on you," he said. i hoped he wouldn't ask me the same question back because i could think of nothing to say that would cover up my less decisive answer. someone must be watching over me because he didn't ask the only question i couldn't answer. truth is, i did have an answer, i just couldn't tell it to him. when he asks for the exact moment i fell in love with him, i wouldn't even have to think about it. "that's an easy one," i'd say. "i never did." he would be shocked and hurt almost as if planned. but if you want me to be honest, i can't offer you anything but the truth. truth is, i probably have plenty of secrets that you don't want to hear. good thing for both of us, because i'll never say a goddamn word. which is fine with you either way, i suppose. because what you don't know won't hurt you. but it doesn't matter anyway, because i can't seem to put my feelings into words. maybe thats because there isn't enough lined paper in the world for that. but i suppose i could try for the next page and a half... so, as long as we're on honesty, i can honestly say this won't turn out like you've planned. i can't even keep up with you and that generally leaves someone feeling inadequate. which is fine - because it's always me. but there's only one thing i want to say to you. and i have no idea why its so hard to say to your face, but here goes: you're moving too fast, because i don't love you. although i like all these pretty little suburban lies you whisper to me after breakfast in bed; it damages my reality. never in my life did i think i'd find someone like you. but now that i've found you, i can't seem to slow things down fast enough. there's a minor thing i've forgotten to tell you and it starts with a capital I. "i'm INCAPABLE of falling in love with you." swallow that. and you did. and you were crushed - right on schedule. i don't know what i expected exactly, but i fell fast asleep while dreaming of far off fantasies of another life together. i guess if i can convince myself that it's all just a dream, then maybe we might actually have a shot at a relationship. ...that might have been lost in the mail.
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the jacket

i snuggle up to your blue and yellow jacket. i close my eyes and inhale that familiar scent. my face is smashed against the zipper and i remember the last time i saw you in it. this is your basic blue jacket that you wore over your sunflower yellow shirt. and this is how it got its name: we sat in the parking lot at four in the morning, sitting on the hood of my car and we argued for 47 minutes on exactly what shade it was. we named all the colors we could remember from our big boxes of crayola's. you said it's just blue, i said pastel blue, you said light blue, and i said basic blue. you let me win, and i loved you for it. with my face still smashed against the zipper, i inhale your smell that doesn't seem to ever go away no matter how many nights that jacket spends in my bed. its a mixture of smells that i couldn't describe if you asked me to. its a complicatedly simple smell, but i love it all the same. i sit here with my arms in the sleeves and my face buried in the fabric. without even trying im already thinking of you. this is the next best thing to having you. and then my alarm goes off, its 6:30 in the morning and its time to get up and start another day without you. i pull the covers back over my head, close my eyes and try to remember what it was that i was dreaming of. i suddenly remembered that i was dreaming of a girl that i've never met and that my face was buried in my own jacket that smelled too stongly of my own perfume.
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If I committed suicide...

If I committed suicide I'd be old fashioned and slice my wrists I'd get blood on the living room carpet Yeah, my mom would be pissed. If I committed suicide I'd buy a gun and shoot myself in the face Now I'd have to have a closed casket Otherwise my brains would be all over the place If I committed suicide I'd drown myself in the ocean Now you have an explanation Just tell my family I didn't want to cause a big commotion. If I committed suicide I'd jump from 150 feet or higher I'll plead temporary insanity And say I wanted to walk the telephone wire. If I committed suicide I would overdose on a sleeping aide So when someone blamed you for my death, you could say, "It wasn't my fault, she hid it in her lemonade." If I committed suicide I would tie the rope around my neck Now all you owe anyone is an apology "I'm sorry, she was in the shower," you'd say, "I didn't think to check." If I committed suicide I would use electrocution "I'm sorry," I'll say, "It was my only solution." If I committed suicide I'd lock myself in the freezer at work We could say it was an accident That the temperature guage went berserk. If I committed suicide I would swallow 9 oz. of terpentine And I'd blame it on my father, because one day he said to me, "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't even think you were mine." If I committed suicide I'd jump 250 feet into a big body of water And when the coast guard can't find my body You'll hear my father tell them to go out and search again, because "she's my only daughter."
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stuck in reverse

it's become so hard to pull away from you. i can't stop thinking about you and the guilt increases more and more as every second goes by. i don't think i realize just what i've let go. i don't think i realize just what i've lost. but i take out your letters and i read what you've written to me over the past year and i realize that it's you who has lost a good thing. we've been playing this game of charades for months and i cant believe i didn't recognize your strategy until now. it wasn't me who let go of you, you were the one with the empty promises and the life that wouldn't take you anywhere. i try to face it every day that i'm better off. but i wonder what you tell yourself every morning when you have to look at yourself in the mirror. i'm sure you think i've forgotten all about the things you used to say to me. as long as i wasn't armed with your words then you could make me believe this was my fault. but i remember oh so clearly now, and there isn't anyone to blame but yourself. so turn that finger around, miss-put-the-blame-on-anyone-else. this is your fault. it was all layed on the table like some well though out plan. and i can tell i wasn't supposed to find out. but now that i've uncovered the truth, you have nothing to hide behind. no where left to run. so as long as were playing this game, its my turn, right? i wanted you and i to be us again. and thats all i thought about for ages. but now that i can't believe a word you say, i don't have a choice in what i'm supposed to do next. so i ship the evidence off to you with a goodbye letter that explains it all. all i have left of you is the memories we shared. i look at the pictures and i've never seen my smile so big. but now i look at myself in the mirror and i've never seen my heart so broken. congratulations, dollface. your wish to change me into a better person has come true. you just didn't think it would come true without you. "and the tears come streaming down your face. when you lose something you can't replace. when you love someone but it goes to waste. could it be worse?"
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10/7/87-6/25/05

it's late at night or early in the morning - i can't tell. the numbers on the clock are blurry but i dont try to focus on the numbers. even if i could see them, i wouldnt care what they meant. i cant sleep and my brain is what is keeping me awake. everytime i close my eyes, it doesnt take long before im dragged back to last saturday night. all i want is some peace and quiet, but for some reason something inside me wants to go back to that night at the hospital. maybe this visit will be a little friendlier. i remember it like someone else is telling me their life story. i dont feel any different. and i dont want to be any different. i still want to tell the same stories: i've never broken a bone, and i've never stayed overnight in a hospital...at least it was never me they were treating. but this past saturday was my story. and these memories were mine. and if it weren't for all the drugs pumping through my veins i might be able to tell it a litte more clearly. i remember arriving and i remember checking in. they asked if i had been here before and i said i wasn't sure. they looked in the records and said i was born here. i mumbled, "small world" and was dropped into a chair and asked to wait. i remember all of my nurses. they had deep southern accents and they all wore cadillac blue eyeshadow. they were blond and slightly overweight and never used my name. it was "baby", "sugar" or "sweetheart." those names belonged in bedrooms of blushing teenagers laying between the sheets with thier first loves. they didn't belong in the emergency room at sutter memorial hospital. and they certainly didn't belong to me. didn't they know i was different? maybe it was my cookie monster slippers that threw them off. or the yellow blanket with the ducks that made them think i needed comforting. i should have told them i was almost an adult and they didn't need to treat me that way. i blame it on the poison in the IV they had stuck in my arm. i'd never tell a soul that i didn't speak up because i was scared. and their soft, southern voices permeating my consciousness was somehow relaxing. maybe my toxic saline solution was just starting to kick in... things faded in and out. i wasnt really able to focus on anything for a while. but it was nice to not be focusing on the pain. i tried to commit what i could to memory because i thought i would want to remember my first stay in the hospital. turns out i should have screamed for the nurse and asked for more morphine. i remember the bright white lights and my constricting wrist band. i remember the brightly colored nurses outfits and i remember closing my eyes as they pushed me through the double doors. i heard the woman explain to my mother that she had to wait here. i remember struggling to breathe as i felt my mom let go of my hand. i wanted to be angry with her because she promised she'd stay with me. but as i heard the whispers about "prepping for surgery" i couldn't stay mad because i might not wake up again. i remember coming back after failing the very last test. i remember the tiny baby from the waiting room with the fever. i remember the crying little girl with the sliced open hand. i remember seeing the old pale man with the oxygen mask as his wife sat nearby with her head in her hands. and i remember hearing the nurses call my mothers name as i drifted off to sleep... they said i could go home now. they said to take it easy. i sat up slowly with the help of my doctor. i looked at his name tag and made a mental note to tell god that theodore muller was a good man. he helped me into the wheelchair and pushed me out the door. i said goodnight to the guard as he forced a smile on his face. i wondered just how bad i looked. i dont remember the trip home and i dont remember getting into bed, but i remember i was supposed to call you so you wouldn't worry. i closed my eyes and told myself, "maybe tomorrow." i lay in bed wondering if all that had just happened was reality or if it was just a dream. "it was a dream," i said quietly to myself. my mind went blank as i was trying to remember that familiar daydream that always put me to sleep. and then i realized - i've been dreaming about hospitals all week.
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the summer application

i drove to your house to pick you up in hopes we could sit and talk for a while. there were plenty of things i wanted to say even though i told you i didn't feel much like talking. truth is, i didn't feel like talking - i felt like yelling. i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs because i wanted the whole neighborhood to hear about you and me. i unlocked the door and let you inside. we drove away and i had no destination in mind because i really didnt want to be there right then. things seemed to be so much easier in my head. i had so much more courage when the silence wasn't begging me to speak. and the more and more i thought about you, the less and less i had to say. and then that famous line from that famous song i love oh so much played on the radio. i drove to the church because i wanted this to go just like the movies promised it would. it seemed more creative than any other place i could think of. i parked the car and shut off the lights. i took the keys out of the ignition and stared straight ahead. how could i say all these things to you? i wasnt so sure just then that i would be able to go through with this. you tried changing the subject as much as possible, but you didn't have to let me know that you were just as uncomfortable as i was. "yeah", i thought, "this time its going to be hard to say goodbye." but once i started talking, i just couldn't stop. and suprisingly enough i stayed on subject. you were really good about listening, and i was glad, because i was really good at spilling my guts. i mentioned everything that was going on in my brain and i layed my heart on the line. all for you. and somewhere out there, someone was resenting me for never opening up. it took me a while to realize that you had been crying the entire way through. you always were the sensitive type. i couldn't bring myself to comfort you. i couldn't look at your tear stained eyes because i might crumble and lose my nerve. i couldn't hug you or touch you because i couldn't seem to make my arms move towards you without slapping you across the face. i gave you your opportunity to speak, and the silence was punctuated with your heart wrenching sobs. it was hard for me to grasp that i was the cause of your tears. but it was hard for you to grasp that you were the cause for the end of the relationship. these were your realities and these were the consequences you were facing, and i had no desire to hold your hand as your learned these important life lessons. you leaned over in your seat and you threw your arms around me. so many people had done this before, because everyone is fascinated with my ability to tell you i love you and that i'm doing this for your own good, and then drive away with an empty heart without even so much as a smile. i say that i love you, because i do. and i explain for the last time that this will be the end of us, but you continue sobbing with your heavy arm draped across my chest. and instead of turning my head and reassuring you that it'll all be okay, i turn my head away from you and i stare at the stars and begin to think of that famous line from that famous song that i love oh so much. you said you had to step outside for just a moment and at that point i wasnt sure if you were planning your escape. but i knew you'd be back because i knew you still had hope for us. but just as i was realizing this was going to be the end of us, you were realizing you couldnt stand to sit next to me anymore. so you got up and stepped out of the car. you took your jacket off, even though it was a cool summer night. i watched as you sucked in a deep breath, and then i shivered as i watched your shoulders fall with your exhale of hope. i asked myself how i could be so heartless. and then i told myself, "its easy to be heartless when you've just had your heart ripped out." you came back to the car and by this time i was ready to leave. i had said what i wanted to say and i had gotten the desired effect. and now its time to leave - to recount the memories of our long and tragic goodbye. so i dropped you off around the corner. as our final farewell lingered, i searched so hard to see if i thought this was all a mistake, but i felt nothing as i let you step out of my car and out of my life. and i sat there for a minute with the radio on, and that famous line from that famous song that i love oh so much poured from my speakers. and i thought, how ironic. so i turned up the volume on the radio, and i turned down the volume on my heart, and i said to myself, "there he goes," i said, "there goes the last man to ever break my heart." "...the style is perfect for the material, and the emotions perfect for their moments."
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twenty one

oh, honey, you're too young for a pose like that. with your hand strategically placed across your chest with your razor-sharp collarbones. that sweet, innocent smile and that look in your eye. its time to grow up, dear. but til then buy your lipstick one shade darker, wear a push-up bra and when he asks you for your ID, lean over the counter and give him a good look at what you're worth and explain to the stranger that you left your ID in your hello kitty purse. bat your eyes, pretty baby, because they dont lie. but thats not what he's focusing on anyway. your whore of a mouth looking like a bloody wound on your pale, porcelain face is what he can't get enough of. he's racked with guilt and you're full of pride because this, this is the first day of your life. you aren't anywhere near eighteen, yet you want to do what all the grown ups do. let me be the first to tell you, honey, it's no easy fight. its a descending battle that no one will win. a struggle between lovers always on the attack. there just wasnt enough love in the world to cushion your fall. this, this is what we call inevitable, baby. and it has your name written all over it. so give up the fight. it was such a nice dream, and i didn't mean to let you down, but lets face it, you can't claim what wasn't yours to begin with.
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vows of silence

i should fake sleep so i dont have to talk to you tonight. although it doesn't make a difference because over coffee you're silent enough for the both of us. we need a connection but you seem to push me somewhere way far away. your never here when i need you. i dont even bother to call you when i need a shoulder to cry on, because most of the time you are the cause of my tears. and you just dont care like you used to. which is fine because more and more everyday i realize my increasing ability to live without you. my love for you has run away with your compassion for my broken heart. i've been sleeping so strange at night, and i thought its because i missed you. but don't flatter yourself honey, its because i'm finally getting over you.
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i miss you and i miss the lifestyle we had. the friendship faded and neither of us jumped in to save it. but i know how busy and beautiful you are, so i take the blame for the failure and i choose to do nothing about it. going back over our memories and having a new philosophy on life and death, i realize that you'll be one of the people i meet in heaven. we'll be old friends just like we said we were going to be. and we'll talk about everything and catch up on old old times, but we both refuse to bring up the places we visited and the people we met in the time when we didn't speak. we're such old souls that it hardly seems worth the time to waste on such petty conversation. so we ignore the real past and we create our own; the one we both knew we were meant to have. the phone doesn't seem to be enough anymore, but it's not like either of us would know. i haven't heard from you and you haven't heard from me, but maybe we're the type of people who get lost in the everyday and when we re-unite, we have the best of times. maybe you're the person i come back for. because lord knows i don't long for anyone like i do for you.
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