this is all new to me, but i dont want you to think i'm a beginner, so i pretend like i've had all the experience in the world doing this and that i know just what i'm doing. i have you convinced that i'm an old hand, so you close your eyes and let me lead you. but the day i disappear, you jump in the driver's seat and become the deadly detective. you ask me all sorts of questions to which i don't know the answers. i try to be cute and fish for compliments and i try to make you laugh. but you won't budge. you want me to know that you're all business and you're too grown up for all these childish games. so i straighten out my smile, clear my throat and make up a lie; because that's what adults do. i said whatever came to mind that sounded grown up, just like you. you didn't like what i had to say, but that was all i could give you because that was all i had to offer. i wasn't about to give up any more information because i knew you had enough to keep yourself satisfied. we both knew that your deadly disposition wouldn't last. you want more and i want less but neither of us really want to talk about it. and when i say neither of us, i mean me. i won't allow anything to come of this because i'm too scared of what that means. nothing is that hard for you, so it's hard to imagine me being terrified to let my guard down. i refuse to explain and you get so frustrated. "how am i supposed to love you if every time you look at me, you plot on how to leave me," she says. "i'm not plotting on leaving you," i say. "i'm planning on what to do when you leave me." so i kissed you with my eyes closed and my heart open and i pulled you as close as i could get you before you pulled away. and we both knew that's what you wanted and you weren't going to find it anywhere else. so we switched places and i had you convinced i knew exactly what i was doing, once again. trouble is, we were both just teenagers learning about life for the very first time and neither of us wanted to admit to anyone that we had no idea where we were going or how we were going to get there. so let me act the part and lets really put on a display. if we're putting on a show, lets put on one that people will watch. and its going to go a little something like this: you'll take my hand and i'll look at you adoringly. i'll put my hands all over you and we'll act like we're so in love. we won't talk about what's bothering us, and we won't talk about the fight we just had. now is not the time. and i don't feel like going back into the past to dwell on the traits that you found you didn't like so much. what part of that don't you understand? people never like talking about how they're not good enough. and i'm no exception. so lets move on with our happy happy lives and our happy happy smiles, because god forbid we let our faces crumble now. you want the romance and i want the affection and you were the best person to call. who knew that one certain quality in yourself that i'm looking for in a partner now, was the deciding factor on why i couldn't be with you anymore. thanks, irony, for ruining a relationship that was doomed to end before it ever began. but i thought i knew what i was doing, so i said yes when you asked me to be your dying devotion.