it's late at night or early in the morning - i can't tell. the numbers on the clock are blurry but i dont try to focus on the numbers. even if i could see them, i wouldnt care what they meant. i cant sleep and my brain is what is keeping me awake. everytime i close my eyes, it doesnt take long before im dragged back to last saturday night. all i want is some peace and quiet, but for some reason something inside me wants to go back to that night at the hospital. maybe this visit will be a little friendlier. i remember it like someone else is telling me their life story. i dont feel any different. and i dont want to be any different. i still want to tell the same stories: i've never broken a bone, and i've never stayed overnight in a hospital...at least it was never me they were treating. but this past saturday was my story. and these memories were mine. and if it weren't for all the drugs pumping through my veins i might be able to tell it a litte more clearly. i remember arriving and i remember checking in. they asked if i had been here before and i said i wasn't sure. they looked in the records and said i was born here. i mumbled, "small world" and was dropped into a chair and asked to wait. i remember all of my nurses. they had deep southern accents and they all wore cadillac blue eyeshadow. they were blond and slightly overweight and never used my name. it was "baby", "sugar" or "sweetheart." those names belonged in bedrooms of blushing teenagers laying between the sheets with thier first loves. they didn't belong in the emergency room at sutter memorial hospital. and they certainly didn't belong to me. didn't they know i was different? maybe it was my cookie monster slippers that threw them off. or the yellow blanket with the ducks that made them think i needed comforting. i should have told them i was almost an adult and they didn't need to treat me that way. i blame it on the poison in the IV they had stuck in my arm. i'd never tell a soul that i didn't speak up because i was scared. and their soft, southern voices permeating my consciousness was somehow relaxing. maybe my toxic saline solution was just starting to kick in... things faded in and out. i wasnt really able to focus on anything for a while. but it was nice to not be focusing on the pain. i tried to commit what i could to memory because i thought i would want to remember my first stay in the hospital. turns out i should have screamed for the nurse and asked for more morphine. i remember the bright white lights and my constricting wrist band. i remember the brightly colored nurses outfits and i remember closing my eyes as they pushed me through the double doors. i heard the woman explain to my mother that she had to wait here. i remember struggling to breathe as i felt my mom let go of my hand. i wanted to be angry with her because she promised she'd stay with me. but as i heard the whispers about "prepping for surgery" i couldn't stay mad because i might not wake up again. i remember coming back after failing the very last test. i remember the tiny baby from the waiting room with the fever. i remember the crying little girl with the sliced open hand. i remember seeing the old pale man with the oxygen mask as his wife sat nearby with her head in her hands. and i remember hearing the nurses call my mothers name as i drifted off to sleep... they said i could go home now. they said to take it easy. i sat up slowly with the help of my doctor. i looked at his name tag and made a mental note to tell god that theodore muller was a good man. he helped me into the wheelchair and pushed me out the door. i said goodnight to the guard as he forced a smile on his face. i wondered just how bad i looked. i dont remember the trip home and i dont remember getting into bed, but i remember i was supposed to call you so you wouldn't worry. i closed my eyes and told myself, "maybe tomorrow." i lay in bed wondering if all that had just happened was reality or if it was just a dream. "it was a dream," i said quietly to myself. my mind went blank as i was trying to remember that familiar daydream that always put me to sleep. and then i realized - i've been dreaming about hospitals all week.