Wake early, my soul is stirring, full and ready for the day to come. My equipment, is it ready? Yes, gather my ammunition, make sure the springs in the magazines are still going strong. My weapons, my good ol pistola, shes clean, ready for action, my long armed baby, in all of her 5.56 glory, clean and ready for the day to come, shes gonna get dirty. And, as they say, guns for the show, knives, for a pro. My two small skinning blades I keep for pinch, and my big bertha, clarity, is her name. In all of her 10 inch buck knife glory, right up onto my hip you go big momma, keep me warm. Hop into the trucks, I take the back seat, because I want that big bitch of a gun in the back. Roll out, go our usual path, and it hits us. Snap, snap snap whee! Snap snap! Panic striken? I think not, pissed that my morning has been interrupted by these rude assholes, and quite possibly ruined if things go south? A resounding yes. "6 o'clock, no 9, no, fuck that noise, start shooting at the muzzle flashes" I let a rip, a drum later, they still are there. We stop and take cover, how far out? 600 meters, too far, let's get a tad closer. Rush, up, cover, rush, down, up cover, rush. 450 meters away, that's more like it. Take a peek, close enough to start putting down serious fire to cover everyone. Continue the rush, we repeat the process, I see a burm, right down in front my friend. Theres quite a few of them, but it's okay, more to go around. Before you know it, we're running low, they are a bit harder to put down then originally thought, I get ready for a rush across a burm and the very possibility that it could be my last fire fight, it's okay, at least I'll bring some company with me to hell. We continue the futile fight, then before you know an incredible explosion, there was much chatter over the radio, me in my impetuous nature ignored it the entire time, couple of our fly boys decided to come pay a visit, hello friends! I'm covered in sharpnel, bleeding from every part of my shoulders, my face, got some metal in my left arm, it's okay, cover it with a bandage, still got a route to clear, it'll be fine. Good thing too, because theres plenty more where that came from, and plenty more need killing. And as I stand there checking everyone and mounting back up, I can't help but look up into that blue and dust covered sky thinking... "This is the life, I can't wait to get some more work done." And one I always get... "It's all in a days work, I like to think I live a rather interesting and adventurous life, can't be afraid to rush a person whos shooting at you, either way your probably going to die, but at least I'll die on my feet, doing what I love...Taking out the trash."

If there is just one thing that is consistent with mankind, it's war. And with war, come death, killing, violence, horrendous acts committed in the name of ones country, or cause. And the more and more I think about it, I really can't stand the thought of killing someone in cold blood, don't mind hurting them a bit, but when it comes to war, I really don't mind killing. At all. Being here has taught me one thing: It has confirmed my one true love; The love of chaos, and violence. It's something I hate to love, I don't want to love the violence, but I do. It's a rush like no other, unlike anything I've ever experienced. Put your head up to look, you see a muzzle flash, you go down quick, quick thought process goes into your head "That mother fucker just shot at me", and getting shot at actually calms me, cools my senses, because I want to kill him, more then he wants to kill me, I slow my breathing, I lift up my weapon, I don't mind the snaps, I know if I die, then it was my time, and it's a fate that I chose, because in a fight to the death, someone has to die. I close my left eye, I slow my breathing to an almost stand still pace. I begin pulling the trigger, "Is this what I really want to do?" A resounding "Yes, this mother fucker has to die, and I want to enjoy it." I pull hard with the meaty part of my finger. I fire again, staying committed to the belief that I am not here to wound, I am here to kill. And again, and again. The neck, what a wonderful place to hit someone I wanted to cause tremendous pain. Hes incapacitated Move, hes not going anywhere, time to get his buddies. Move quick, duck, get cover, flank, cordon and search, don't forget the controlled pair, don't leave a single one alive. It's all in a days work. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I lead a rather exciting life I like to think, only shame is the wars ending. Not enough of them have died. It's okay. We'll be back, and so will I.

So there is one thing good coming out of this deployment so far, besides of course shooting people in the face. Knowledge... The knowledge of computers, and the good, and the destruction that they can cause, I have and still am learning both, and I'm loving it. The scary thing is though, I searched for 10 minutes (granted I know what I'm looking for) and found many pre-built virus creation programs, ready to go, it's just like wow, it's really that easy. Sometimes though I feel as if I'm taking on too much to try and learn at once, but I want to learn it at once, and it all revolves around one thing; scripting, yet I'm trying to learn several languages at once, but it's how I learn, to learn backwards then forwards, from the middle to start, from the end then the beginning, to reverse engineer, then create It's how I learn, and it's working to a point. But so far with what I know, if I decided to go black hat could earn me a good 20 years in prison. Good thing I have no desire to, fighting the black hats is just too much damn fun, and challenging at times, when I get more then just something a script kiddie wrote. And my god, is there a ridiculous amount of money in fighting the black hats. But I deeply respect the hacking community, many of these people are self taught, and it really takes years, and a true and deep motivation to want to learn all of these things.

Why is it, that ALL infantryman I have come into contact with, have the superiority complex and think they are better then the irreplaceable signaleer? I'll tell you why, because since they are trained to fight and are always in need (who doesn't need easily replaceable front line infantryman?), they think they are the hottest shit on the playground, but I just find it funny, because I do more then an entire platoon combined (not counting menial labor). I have been sent to multiple sites and FOBs, why? To fix shit, that everybody else cannot fix. I have more training then most infantryman have college schooling, and yet they still think they are better? I can do the same job as them, I can shoot better then most of them, I can run just as fast and long as them, I can ruck march just as far (and in some cases further then some, pretty sad) and I can fight, shooting and hand to hand, better then a lot of them. The more and more I think about it, it seems like that I was a born problem solver.I solve everyone's problems, they're rocketing us? Oh fuck no, I'll shoot em in the face. Radio's down? No sweat, I'll fix that shit.You're computer is fucked up? I got you.You need another rifle on the convoy? I'm in, boom boom I move and kill just as efficiently as an infantryman.I find it sad that I can do an infantryman's job just as well as the infantryman themselves.So why, I ask, the superiority complex?It's all they got, to feel important, because the fact is, they are replaceable, expendable assets.Everyone in the military is expendable, but some, like the everyday commo guy, is worth 10 infantryman.Why is it that the Ranger Batts constantly are asking for commo guys, as early as basic, but never ask for infantry?I don't hate them, just don't see a point for them. Why have 50 people they all do the same job, when you have 50 people who all do different things that can do the exact same job as an infantry, as well as their own job?The military baffles me, but doesn't matter, I know I can hold my own, and the job of a rifleman, because I've done both, and done em both well.Superiority complex? The more I'm around them it feels more to me like an inferiority complex, because they are obsolete.But I'm happy, I don't have to pull guard or anything, that's for the grunts, so seeing as how we don't have to do that shit, tells me that we are more important then to be put on the menial tasks, and it's true, oh it is so funny.I can see why people stay infantry though.The adrenaline, the fear, the chance of success, the unknown, and wanting to completely beat out he other guy, causing as much death and destruction as humanly possible, while still coming out on top unscathed, there's no feeling in the world like it, knowing that hes dead, and you're not. It's like the dark, you can either be afraid of it and quiver like a pussy, or stand up and charge right through it, if you get hit, you get hit, I've seen it, I've heard it, all you can do if it happens to someone is look over, say, man, that really sucks, and keep going.Oh what a life we lead.

Some people, still hang onto the ideal that we are still fighting for freedom in the middle east, some people, ridiculously, believe we're fighting for our own freedom for the states. But only a fool truly believes any of that. I've become so lost in the sauce, I don't know what it is for anymore, if you ask anyone they'll say it becomes a battle to keep your friends and yourself alive, in that order. But what if you asked them before even going over, I couldn't even fathom the responses, because there would be a ridiculous multitude of them. I'm lost in my own thoughts, I see an explosion, and I see the smoke, hear the gunfire, I know someone, on any side, is probably dying or going to die. And I ask, what is it for? Sure, some of them are insurgents, some are Taliban, and those people are repressive douche bags that want nothing but terror and power. But heres the thing that not a lot of people understand, they will ALWAYS be there. "The only thing need that evil needs to prevail is for good men to do nothing." But heres the thing, what defines, good and evil? From different speculations, it's truly a point of view. After we invaded Iraq and started killing civilians, even though accident they were, we became the evil, the defilers, the invaders. We went from a liberating force, to an occupying army in a sense, to the people. And things are so torn up, that you can't tell which way is up anymore. But worse then that, we are here, so why not just let us do what we have to do? It's war, and war means casualties, war means you have to kill, war means you must witness death, and possibly you might die as well. But big wigs get so concerned about only winning, that they overlook so much, they opt to use our own forces rather then nationals that want to help, when, it's war, and war is a large game of chess in a certain sense, so let the pawns do their part, and let the surgical teams do theirs. When we first invaded afghanistan, and all of this is public knowledge now, it was written in a book, which is where I get these following facts, several teams of special forces, british sbs guys, and some regular army infantry man, with the help of thousands of afghan locals, managed to tople the taliban in just several short months, and the special forces didn't lose a single man, how did they do this? Because they did what you should do when you invade and try to take over a country or win a war in a foreign country, you bribe, befriend, and demand help from the locals that are sympathatic to your cause, and you make them help you win it, you coordinate, you win over the locals, you help them, and they help you, and then you take out the root cause of the problem you seek to solve. And that is what those men did. But then they sent in thousands of regular soldiers, the taliban slowly resurfaced, and is taking back the country little by little, or trying to, and the soldiers are getting stonewalled by politics now, not able to do their jobs, because shit has gotten fucked up over there. You don't send many, what a few can do, and you let those few, do their damn job

So I've decided I'm going to start writing about my experiences, in chapters, for my benefit and mine only so if you don't get something, too fuckin bad. Deployment... I had known it was coming for a very long time, but I didn't really care in the sense that I would be going somewhere, I cared in the sense that I would be leaving my wife and child for an entire year, but, I signed up for this, knowing this would happen, but we have a very stable relationship, so I'm not worried at all, I just miss her. I didn't prepare for the deployment at all, I mean hell, I packed my bags the day before, and only forgot little very easibly replaceable things, so I don't really care, I can pull that shit off like it's cake, you don't need a packing list, all you need is some common sense, which apparently the mass majority of people in the world, do not have. You know, I didn't really know what to think when it came to deployment, I was indifferent, as long as I didn't have to deal with assholish retarded people, I was perfectly fine with my line of work, but unfortunantly I do, but I do a very good job of bullshitting my way out of things, I really don't give a fuck if I look good for them or not, I didn't join them military to please people. But anyways, lets walk through it... That morning, deployment, we're going to Iraq, people are seriously still lying to themselves about it, get it through your head moron, we're going to war, lives are going to end, that is life, deal with it. It was a sad occasion, obviously so, I held my daughter, kissed her, held her up high, she loved ever second of it like the 4 month old she is, but, just like the 4 month she is, she passed out, I would hold her and she'd drop her head and start sleeping, so I just visited with the wife, we had our time, she got very sad, started to cry, but it was okay, I love that little woman. I remember the last things she said to me before I mounted up and left, and I quote "Don't forget to have fun, I know you get when your bored, and don't kill anybody your not supposed to." It's just like damn, do I really give off that much of a violent notion? Yes. And that is the way I like it, I love to fight, but over my short life I have learned the wisdom of holding back from a fight, because power is knowing when to use it, not just try to use it every opportunity. So, we head over to another units area, chill there, I just sit down, only thing going through my head is, "Fuck, I want to sleep." The prospect of deploying in several areas to a very hostile area, doesn't bother me for a second. I believe in 2 things, that quite possibly contradict themselves, but it gets me by, first fate is a planned thing, but fate bends to those who's wills are strong enough to make it through, and I believe if I was to die, then I would have done everything super humanly possible to stop that, and if I couldn't, well, at least I'd bring company down to hell with me. We get to isolation, I get sleep, finally, then 20 minutes after I fall asleep, we get on the buses, fuck, at least I get to sleep more comfortable now. "Enoy them trees, you aren't going to be seeing any for a while." Bullshit, I saw trees when I touched down in Iraq. We fly outta Kansas, long damn flight, on a old ass middle class type plane, showing us several movies over the flight to Ireland, in an out of focus shitty projector, I can't sleep, I just watch the movies, it was mildly entertaining. Then it's all I wanted to do was watch the movie, get out of my way bitch and give me a sandwich, I'm watching prince of persia 8 miles above the Atlantic! Beat that everybody. We touch down in Ireland, all I'm thinking is fuck man, I want a cig. We walk for what feels like a mile, probably was only like a quarter. We have to go through a security checkpoint, it's EXACTLY the same type of bullshit TSA type security we have in the states, to get IN an airport, after we get off a plane, just for like 45 minutes, they tell us to leave our knives and multi-tools on the airplane, otherwise the Irish will take them. HELLO! I have a fucking M4A1 Carbine in my hand! They don't take that? I could have a fucking bullet in the chamber and just blast somebody, yet your worried about a knife around 150 trained killers? Dumbasses. Anyways, we get through, I go to the smoking area, it's another mile feeling long adventure through fucking leprechaun land, the fuckers. I get my smoke, I am not satisfied, I smoke another, still, not satisified, I smoke a 3rd, "meh", it works. We get back on the plane. Six hours later, we land in the most foul smelling, small, country, that has a constant haze of sand halfway up the sky, at all hours of the day every day; Kuwait, what a shithole. I ask myself, "Really, what am I doing here? I should be in Afghanistan, or Southern America helping the SF fight the new violent cartel's rising down there, someplace where my presence would make a difference and mean something." Fuck it, I'm still getting a untaxed paycheck right? WROOOOOOOOOOOONG! NOT GOOD ENOUGH ! So we get there, it's hectic, blah blah blah, besides just going to random places in a sun scorched desert, we did some training. Did the usual stuff, medical crap, briefings, all that good shit. Then came the fun.... The last day of training, we did rollover training, where we go in a simulator that is like a humvee, it turns upside down, and we practice getting out, sounds easy? You try pushing a 250 pound door after being thrown upside down several times and you couldn't find a horney pussy with a heat seeking missle. I eventually get out, Then later that day, after chilling outside 3 hours doing jack shit, we go to the convoy type vehicle, it's like a big truck that a few people can fit in the back, it's a transport vehicle. We get to my turn, and we're upside down, I get the bright idea to unbuckle myself, the buckle is like 2 seatbelts put together side by side, keep in mind this is with all my gear on, bout an extra 30 pounds, there's a slight lull, I unbuckle, I sit there for a second, my entire body trying to work against gravity but losing the battle quick, I say "Oh shit my straps are loose!" Which they were. I fall, about 3 feet, upside down, with 30 pounds of gear on, against a metal uneven surface, my head hits the ground first, then my side. I am completely lifeless, my friend says for about 3 seconds he seriously thought that I was dead, all I remember is falling, then getting up laughing saying, "Holy fuck my head hurts, hurry up and get the fuck out of this truck, it's hot." We end up having to do another rotation, this time I'm on my back, they put us sideways, I unbuckle myself but cannont get up, at the time I fail to realize what is going on. Afterwards while I am eating, I notice I'm eating at a incredibly slow retarded kid like pace, then it hits me, I have a fucking concussion, awesome, 6 days into deployment and I already have a un-combat related injury, I didn't really care though, did I go to the medics? No, but did I go have a cig, a cup of chi tea, then watch a movie and go to sleep? Beat your fat ass I did, and it was awesome. We finally mount up to get to Iraq, they issue us rounds, people are panicing, finally realizing that we are going to war, to a combat zone, where people want to kill us, but I want to kill them more. Now, what is the only thing I am thinking when we get our ammo? "Yo, is this all the fucking ammo I'm getting?" And as I look at them, I realize each bullet is an opportunity to give a haji a mighty nice day, and I intent to deliver that good day to him sometime, but until then, I'll chill. The time it finally hits me that it's real, it was just a split second, it's when I saw the military plane they were flying us in on, as I was walking up the cargo door, is when it hits me, but not what I thought would hit me. What hits me is, (inner monologue) "I shouldn't be walking up this with a bunch of gear to go to some retarded born to fail country...I should be running off of it at 60,000 feet for a halo jump, with 11 other guys, with the only mission is to take the the born to fail country back from the insurgents, surgically, one by one." But for now, I'll deal with it

Pulling down her pants Yanking off my own Underneath the mistletoe, I'll make your sister moan! Ohhh heather's hot heather's hot we'll go all the way! I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, and down on all fours! And now for a Hanuka song! He has a little sister, she gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play EVERYBODY! Sister sister sister Speaking of christmas... I'm getting a fucking Gucci suit for christmas. I'mma ballahhh

Now with picture action ! 30 minutes after I fucked up my foot. The next day Both 2 days later (monday, today) Awesome shit ain't it? At least I got a funny story out of it.

Some days, I'm okay, others, I'm a mess. It doesn't make sense. I've let go, I'm okay with it now, I'm over and done with the past, and I've learned from the past. But for some reason, I'm still here, when I shouldn't be. What is the one? Am I relapsing, or is it something more? Am I just wanting what I can't have? I get a new one, and think of the older one. What is going on in my mind? Someone help me figure it out. But, on a brighter note, I'm dancing more :) Me dancing=me happy What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) Today I don't feel pretty And I'm tired of trying to fit right in Don't think that your so great 'Cause being great must suck We don't always see the bright side We all need ego suicide You hung my head today But I have licked my wounds and carried on Everybody needs some sympathy Santa seemed to miss my chimney Reality is truly scaring me So stand up straight and firmly say What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) My heart is in the right place So wipe that smirk right off your face Don't make me feel like that Cause that's just plain not nice We don't always see the bright side And I lied when I said I was fine You slapped my face today But I have licked my wounds and carried on Everybody needs some sympathy Santa seemed to miss my chimney Reality is truly scaring me So stand up straight and firmly say What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) Everybody needs some sympathy Santa seemed to miss my chimney You stole my luck from me And now my fortune cookie's empty! Cause you came and you stole it all from me! So stand up straight and firmly say What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers) What you see is what you get (don't ya know) (Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker) Look at me and don't forget (don't ya know) (Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers)

So there's this girl, the same girl, that I've been talking about for months. Lets see, how do I go about saying this, lets try this; She is the only person, that if she really didn't want me to go into the army, and I knew we would be together, instead of using the army to get my education, I'd just go the usual route, and go to college instead. Because somehow I just know if we were together, we'd be together for a while. But, we're not. So what's it mean in terms of my feelings about her, am I just hung up on her, and just lying to myself about the "what if's" and "if we were...", or, do I really truly love her? So, I still feel the same emotional wise when we were together as I do now, so, what all does it mean really? Like, it doesn't control my actions or anything, I'm dating someone right now, but, shes still in the back of my head, and I know that I can't really see someone else the same way I do her. But damn, what does this all mean? Do I love her, and just really miss her, or am I just lying to myself for some reason? And yeah, she was right that I depended on her a lot when I was with her, yet, I still feel the same, emotionally about her right now, that I did when I really depended on her. So what's that mean as well, I still have the same feelings now as much as I did when I depended on her a lot, now I don't depend on her at all, and I still feel the exact same way. Nothing really makes sense right now. If it's confusing, that's fine, it's still really confusing to me as well. You're not alone together we stand I'll be by your side you know i'll take your hand when it gets cold and it feels like the end there's no place to go you know i won't give in no I won't give in. Keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through just stay strong cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you there's nothing you can say, nothing you can do there's no other way when it comes to the truth so keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through So far away i wish you were here before it's too late this could all disappear before the doors close, and it comes to an end but with you by my side I will fight and defend I'll fight and defend yeah yeah Keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through just stay strong cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you there's nothing you can say, nothing you can do there's no other way when it comes to the truth so keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Hear me when I say, when I say I believe nothings gonna change, nothings gonna change destiny whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly Keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through just stay strong cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you there's nothing you can say, nothing you can do there's no other way when it comes to the truth so keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Keep holding on Keep holding on There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do There's no other way when it comes to the truth So keep holding on Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So, what a weekend. It was pretty fun, I consumed a ridiculous amount of alcohol, yesterday alone I probably drank 20 beers throughout the course of the whole day and didn't even get drunk, my tolerance is getting way the fuck up there. I'm dating someone her noww, it's pretty awesome, she told me something on saturday that is really crappy, because someone did something to her ridiculously terrible, and when she told me, I just said, don't tell me his name, because if she did, I would have gone after him, because you just don't do something like that to a girl, period. But, I had my PT test on saturday. I passed my sit ups and push ups with flying colors. But I failed my 2 mile. Not gonna make excuses or anything, simply, I just failed it. So, I was severely disappointed with myself with that outcome, so yesterday I went out, and stayed outside for a good 4 hours, until I had ran 7 miles. And today, I'm doing the same thing, and tomorrow, and every day until I leave. It may seem like a lot, but really, with what I want, it isn't. I need to be able to run 2 miles within 11 minutes or faster, 5 miles within 45 minutes or faster, and then I need to be able to just run, period, and not stop for hours, regardless of the weather, or conditions, or anything. I've realized, in order to do what I want to in the army, I need to fully commit my entire life to it for however many years I'm in the army for. And that's perfectly fine, because when it comes down to it, when you want to be great at something, not just good, you have to surrender yourself to it, and have absolutely nothing but that, that's what makes people so great at things, because, the thing they do, whether it's music, or being a doctor, or whatever, it's because they fully commit themselves to it. But not everyone can do it, because not everyone is strong enough. But anyways. Mike's going to SJ next week and the week after, and hes giving me his house key so I can use it as a place to crash when I'm too faded and to have little kickbacks, so, it's gonna be pretty down. Don't really have to use the military card to get laid anymore since I've finally got her, so, that's pretty cool :). Hope everyones havin a good start of the week! Haha, I know I ammm ;). This song is the shit.

So, tomorrow I have a company wide PT, which means; EVERYONE in southern california comes to port hueneme, the CB base, and we all do PT, in front of hundreds of people, to show everyone what we're all about, and then we do events, and then get free food. I get promoted tomorrow, I'm pretty fucking excited, I'm gonna show everybody, up, it's gonna be pretty badass. But yeahh, it'll be funn I suppose, the only people coming are mike/sarah/ashley, which are really the only people people that have been there for me, so I'm pretty happy with that turnout. When I went to MEPS on monday, it was those 3 giving me the encouragement that I can finally do it, and get through it, and they constantly are giving me the encouragement that I can do it. Granted, Sarah is pretty bummed that I'm leaving because we've been waiting for a long time to finally get together, but, it's what I want, so shes showing up for me tomorrow to support me, I couldn't be happier :). Hope everyone has a great fuckin' weekend!

I had thought, that when she called me last Sunday, and apologized, that I forgave her for everything, I had thought that even before she called I had forgiven her for everything and wasn't mad anymore. But ever since she called I've been thinking a bit lately, and I do still forgive her, but only to an extent, because I'm still pretty pissed at her. I dunno, I could go on and on why, but I know why I'm pissed, and I'm sure she does. Just makes me mad, she calls me out of the blue, then randomly apologizes for everything, and I think, oh cool maybe we can work on being friends, and then she just goes and keeps ignoring me, when all I did was ask a simple question, yet, she still ignored me, I don't think you can say you were too busy to take a minute to answer just a simple question, but hey, I don't really care anymore, I'm really pissed off right now, so I'm sure I'm just talking out of my ass, but it just bugs the hell out of me, because I have no idea why she does some of the things she does sometimes, when, I haven't even done anything to piss her off, as far as I know, yet it seems like I keep constantly pissing her off? This is weird, why do I constantly keep making entries about her, not even just about one thing, one I say I'm pissed at her, one I say I miss her, the other I think about her, blah blah blah, why the hell do I keep coming back to her? I mean, I'm already over everything, and past it, I know that for a fact from the last few days experiences. But it's just like, shit! I'm happy again, excited, I'm all crazy again like I used to be, and I'm the good old Jeremy again, yet, I'm always coming back to her, I'll be with a girl, and then later, I'll think of her again, it's confusing the hell outta me, what's it all mean? Blah, I dunno, I don't get women, probably never will, and I don't really care. I'm going to the base, and I'm gonna go get my drink on with the rest of the boys.

Never made it as a wise man, I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'. Tired of livin' like a blind man, I'm sick of sight without a sense of feelin, And this is how you remind me This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you a heart worth breakin' And I've been wrong, I've been down Been to the bottom of every bottle These five words in my head Scream "Are we having fun yet?" yeah, yeah, yeah,no no yeah, yeah, yeah, no no It's not like you didn't know that I said I love you and I swear I still do And it must have been so bad Cause living with me must have damn near killed you And this is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you a heart worth breakin' And I've been wrong, I've been down Been to the bottom of every bottle These five words in my head Scream "Are we having fun yet?" yeah, yeah, yeah, no no yeah, yeah, yeah, no no yeah, yeah, yeah, no no yeah, yeah, yeah, no no Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing And this is how you remind me This is how you remind me This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you a heart worth breakin' And I've been wrong, I've been down Been to the bottom of every bottle These five words in my head Scream "Are we having fun yet?" Yeah, yeah, "Are we havin' fun yet?" Yeah, yeah, "Are we havin' fun yet?" Yeah, (five words in my head) yeah, "Are we havin' fun yet?" Yeah, (five words in my head) yeah

My god, what a fucking day, lets start off with this simple fact; Last night I fell asleep for the night at 8 pm at night, that's the first time since I was like 12 that I had fallen asleep that early. I feel like telling allll about it, so lets start! I start off by waking up at 2:15, and just getting ready, making sure everything is good and in order. Left at about 3:40 or so, took about an hour and a half to get there, and I get there, I'm confused as hell, I'm supposed to go to this room for a briefing, but it was already going, so I had to wait, I go to my briefing, then I go to the army liaison office, and everyone just immediately knows who I am for some reason, it was like I was all famous, but anyways, they give me all my shit, and then I go to the medical ward. Oh my god, the worst thing ever there. But some good. I go there, go through some briefing, and I spot the hottest chick ever in there going out for the coast guard. So I'm off taking my audio tests and visual tests, then at the visual test when I was waiting for it, was talking to her, and she wasn't shipping out for a while, so I was talking to her, and got her numbahhh, so I'm definantly gonna be hitting her up. Then after that I saw another super hot chick in the army, and I got her card as well, so woot! But anyways, took forever on the piss test cause I didn't have to piss, and didn't make it easy that there was some guy just standing there watching me, but anyways, got to the physical. The doctors there are the biggest douchebags, got to have some old guy who can barely walk squeeze my nuts and all that shit. I know for a fact they didn't like me, and they wanted to disqualify me, and I had to go back to them for airborne physical as well. But anyways, after all that shit, had to keep going back and forth from the front desk to the counselors, and finally got my shit done, and was waiting for a swearing in. I started waiting at about 2:30 or so, maybe earlier. I was in the front room sleeping for like 2 hours then finally was called in for a swearing it, had to go through yet another briefing, then FINALLY, went to the room, and guess what, yet ANOTHER 20 minutes of waiting, then the Major finally came in, and we swore in. And right there, I felt an immense sense of honor just swim right over me, because as of that moment I was officially in the army, and I felt so great taking that oath. And then I finally got to go home, and I got some free shit as well. But anyways, talked to one of my ex's that I hadn't talked to in a few weeks, it was good talking to her, but she seemed kinda confused or mad or whatever, couldn't really tell, that we always come back to each other, but, my thinking is, whenever something like that happens, maybe something is meant to happen, just have to take a chance. But anyways, I've been talking to this other girl, and she is the type of girl that I would date while I was in, because I know she wouldn't be doing anything while I was gone. But it's weird, because when my ex called me, I immediately stopped talking to this girl and focused on her entirely, so, I just don't know what's going on with my emotions. But, I don't think anything will happen with theee ex anyways, so I'm just going to continue with this girl, and hope for the bestt! But hey, you never know really whats going to happen, because I told one of my other ex's I joined the army, and she was immediately like "omg I'm going to be home the weekend after thanksgiving, we have to hang outtt! text or call meee!" God damn, Mike was right, the military card works, it already worked last night ;). So, PT today, that'll be fun I guess. I just hate that, I'm still constantly thinking of her, Jenna, when I know nothing is going to happen, I just don't understand why I keep thinking of her, I don't want to, yet I do, but if someone is in your mind constantly, and for that long, maybe their meant to be there? I guess we really meant it when we said, we're like boomerangs? Fuck, I dunno. A withered past and a blurry future, My hearts on an auction, It goes out to the highest bid. I live to fast, and I know I will lose her, But there is an option, to die is to live in her head. So I'll hang on, never let go. I dug this pain into my chest. It's dead One last chance to reverse this curse, You stole my heart but I had it first. And now I see you've got something to prove, And nothing to lose, so let me tell you the truth. A deadly wish but it should've come sooner, A corpse in a funeral that I would never attend. There is a light on in the back of this house, But you're not around, to die is to live in her head. So I'll hang on, never let go. I dug this pain into my chest. It's dead One last chance to reverse this curse, You stole my heart but I had it first. And now I see you've got something to prove, And nothing to lose so let me tell you the truth. So, this goes, out to, the ones that fall in love, And to, the girl, that filled my dark. Last night I had the weirdest dream, That you and I drove off the darkest streets, Passing through these city lights, Closure for the kids that died. One last chance to reverse this curse, You stole my heart but I had it first, And now I see you've got something to prove, And nothing to lose so let me tell you the truth. So, this goes, out to, the ones that fall in love. An to, the girl, that filled, my, dark

All the windows, Swear to miss you, And the doors are cell block tight, Sweet sedation, Sweep the issues, And the clocks about to strike Did it call you down, Are you back just yet, Waiting now please come set me free, And the only sound is a minute left. This could be, this could be the last time It's a chance to fix mistakes, One more for the last time, Don't you throw our dreams away, Don't waste this chance with your smile 10 seconds left on this dial, This could be the last time. Along the staircase, I dream to hear you, In a whisper quiet room, Space for thinking, Space to scream to, But the echoes sound like you, Not the stars at night, In a pitch black sky, I don't know just wants to see you But the time is right and it only flies This could be, this could be the last time It's a chance to fix mistakes, One more for the last time, Don't you throw our dreams away, Don't waste this chance with your smile 10 seconds left on this dial, This could be the last time. It's only us, It's only now, A simple wish, It's only tonight. This could be the last time, Now I've made our last mistake One more for the last time, And you throw our dreams away, (This could be, this could be) Don't waste this chance with your smile (This could be, this could be) 10 seconds left on this dial, (This could be, this could be) This could be the last time. (This could be, this could be) It's only us, It's only now, It's only tonight.

I just looked at near my bed, there's still a box there, full of her presents, yet she doesn't want em. What a waste of money. I think that when someone won't accept a present from you, it's a testament of yourself as a person to them. AKA, they hate you, but, oh well, I'll be gone jan 7th anyways (ship out date had to be pushed back, due to recruiter bullshit), speaking of the army anyways. My job is finalized, my dates are finalized, everything is good. The lowest I could enlist for my job, is 5 years, and no signing bonus. Doesn't matter to me, it will be a job I enjoy, and after 2-3 years, if I don't like it, I can re-class to another job. I'll be training for 8 STRAIGHT months, no leave after basic or AIT or anything, just straight. But the cool thing, I already have E-2 in the books, (private first class), so I'll already be ahead, and if I refer someone, I get E-3 (corporal), so, that's cool. I also get to go to airborne school, but, what sucks is, I'll be in Georgia, in August, training, but hey it's worth it, I'll get an airborne badge, and badge for my uniform, and an extra 150 bucks a month. I'm excited, but scared. But, I am happy for myself, finally, I finally get to make something of myself, I have my job solidified, and I get a degree in it just by completing the training, and I can go straight to a civilian job after I get out, if I decide to get out, and I have a guaranteed interview with a company of my choice for after I get out. I'm fucking set. And after I get out of training, I'll have over 12,000 bucks waiting for me in my bank account. I'm just still wondering, did I make the right choice, did I do the right thing? Well, I'm sure when I'm over in Iraq or Afghanistan. And some bearded douchebag is shooting at me, the answer will come to me. But, happy, I feel wanted, I told someone all this, and she said that she doesn't want me to leave be out of her life at all, so, maybe I will have that certain someone that sticks with me from day 1 to my deployment, to when I come back, lets see. I swear in on monday. Whoever wants to come see me swear in, can come, I really hope the people that I really care about show up to see, I've already been asking a few people, because it's not like graduating training, it's just the one and only time throughout your entire military career, it's a very moving thing to see, I wish everyone could see it, people brave enough to vow themselves to something much bigger then themselves, and I am proud to finally be a part of that. I can finally have something about myself that I'll be proud of, for the rest of my life. Not to mention, I'm gonna get freakin ripped just from basic too :).

Everyone I know around me save for 2 or 3 people, are changing. Changing friends, habits, personalities, you name it, it's happening. I haven't changed since I was about 17, I've mature pretty fast in that part, I had to. I'm scared about leaving, because, Mike told me that everyone loses themselves, they lose who they are, they completely change. I think what I'm afraid of nowadays, is, I'm going to lose who I am, and that is the last thing I want. I can deal with losing friends, girlfriends, close friends that change me, because, if I lose them, then obviously I wasn't meant to be with them, or be friends with them, as simple as that, because I tried hard for every single one of them. But, the one thing I can't deal with, is myself changing. I can't deal with waking up one day overseas, and shoot someone, and, just get over it like it was nothing. Humanity is the last thing I have that is myself, that no one else can take away from me, or anything. I don't want to lose who I am, or my humanity, like have you ever seen casino royale? What Daniel Craig says is true, if your in a job like that for too long, you lose your humanity, and you become a systematic killer. I would know, because my brother is a systematic killer, hes in that stage of life where he doesn't give a fuck, and doesn't care about anyone, and won't let anyone hold him back, no matter what. I don't want to become that. I'm still going to go, I picked the job I want, Forward Observer. I told Mike I wanted that job, and he laughed and said, "I hope your family can deal with heartache easily." Artillery observers are considered high-priority targets by enemy forces, as they control a great amount of firepower, are within visual range of the enemy, and are often located deep within enemy territory. This oft-overlooked position is considered one of the most dangerous and challenging positions on the battlefield for a variety of reasons. FOs are highly skilled and usually exceptionally intelligent. He is also able to work silently for long periods of time, as some missions may range from a few hours to several weeks, long. He can operate with minimal support located both on or behind the enemy lines. This is an essential skill because the artillery and infantry/cavalry often pass the support responsibility to the other element when an FO becomes attached to another unit. The gaining unit is expecting the losing unit to provide support, and the losing unit expects the gaining unit to provide support. This generally requires FOs to fend for themselves and get equipment, supplies, and other necessities wherever they can. Forward Observers, due to their intelligence, adaptability, and broad range of combat skills are often superb candidates for many special operations units and training. FOs are also considered to be 'crazy' and 'eccentric' by their peers, due to their dangerous mission profiles and their usually innate strong sense of independence, dislike for rigid authority and protocol, and general proclivity towards sarcasm, grim humor, and general disregard for rules such as those concerning uniforms, saluting, etc., which many FOs do not believe apply to them in the field. This famous streak of rebelliousness and their high esprit de corps make them a coveted, versatile and dangerous asset to many commanders' arsenals, since FIST and COLT teams will often take on mission profiles normally shunned by most regular units. This job fits me perfectly. I'm going to be in the shit, 24/7. I just wish, there was someone that when I come back, can bring me back from the blackhole I know I'm going to jump into, I just hope to god, that, whoever that person is, is there for me, from day 1, from my first deployment, and, there to rescue me from myself when I come back home. It's a lot to ask of someone, but I really hope there is someone like that for me.

Is officially known now as NOT A FATHER'S DAY!! Just watch the first minute I did this dance not too long ago And my all time favorite, the bro code

Is this feeling still here. I'm still hurting, theres a hole in me, but I don't know what I'm missing, and I don't know what can fill it. These last few weeks, it seems like I'm in a completely different world. Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save TonightUploaded by Eagle-Eye-Cherry